Hi Im new around here.

[Guest guest]

Hi I am new around here. My name is Laurie and my biological father has BPD.

When I was 17 I chose to sever all contact with FADA after he beat me up in my

high school parking lot. This was not the first time I had suffered at the

expense of his illness. I am now 30.

Currently Darrell's father is dying from Altimeters. When I say dying I mean the

Dr's told us a week ago that he had less than 24 hours to live.

During my visit last week to my Grandpa's death bed a reunion was forced between

FADA and I. I chose to go with it to not cause further duress in my Grandmothers

life during a already emotionally charged time.

Since that time I have been a emotional wreck. My husband did not know me when I

was going thru this turmoil and does not know how to relate to me. My family

thinks that I should just let bygones be bygones but I just cant do that after

all I have been put thru. I have no one to talk to about this mess, this is why

I am here.

Yesterday FADA called to tell me my Grandpa was letting go and I returned to my

Grandparents home. All was civil and I tried to slip out while FADA was out of

the room to avoid another unwelcomed 'moment' - sadly I was unsuccessful. Hugs

and " i love you's " were hurled at me. I left as gracefully as I could. In the

hour it took me to drive home FADA requested to be my friend on facebook and is

sending me messages calling me 'sweetheart' and saying 'i love you'.

I have ridden the BP rollercoaster before. I know this isnt 'real' but once

again I find myself questioning my actions from almost 14 years ago. In the end

I know I did the right thing but I hate how I can doubt that after all these

years.

-laurie

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group Laurie.

I understand your feelings of self-doubt, even when you intellectually know that

your bpd father has a well-established pattern of alternating

sweet-then-abusive-then-sweet behavior.

Its so easy to feel sucked in by the sweet, kind behaviors (these surface when

you are " painted white " by the person with bpd) even though you know that

they're just temporary and will switch again to toxic, hostile behaviors when he

decides that you are painted black again.

Its particularly difficult and self=doubt-inducing when you're getting NO

validation or emotional support from your other foo (family of origin) members

who are saying " let bygones be bygones " ( " Oh, just shut up and let him

emotionally scar you and beat the crap out of you! " ) and NO validation or

emotional support from your husband, either. That's got to feel very isolating.

Perhaps a short course of marriage counseling can help you with that part of it,

at least? With the support and guidance of a therapist, maybe you can share

with your husband what truly devastating emotional injury your father did to you

so that your husband will understand your feelings and be more supportive of you

in this matter.

It does mean a lot to have validation from others in these matters. You have

that here at this Group; we get it. We've been there too. But having someone

that you know personally to give you understanding and support, particularly

your husband or your siblings, that means even more.

In any case, welcome to the Group, and please know that we DO " get it. " We

understand the need to protect ourselves from our own parents when they have

this devastating mental illness that can negatively impact the entire family

dynamic.

-Annie

>

> Hi I am new around here. My name is Laurie and my biological father has BPD.

>

> When I was 17 I chose to sever all contact with FADA after he beat me up in my

high school parking lot. This was not the first time I had suffered at the

expense of his illness. I am now 30.

>

> Currently Darrell's father is dying from Altimeters. When I say dying I mean

the Dr's told us a week ago that he had less than 24 hours to live.

>

> During my visit last week to my Grandpa's death bed a reunion was forced

between FADA and I. I chose to go with it to not cause further duress in my

Grandmothers life during a already emotionally charged time.

>

> Since that time I have been a emotional wreck. My husband did not know me when

I was going thru this turmoil and does not know how to relate to me. My family

thinks that I should just let bygones be bygones but I just cant do that after

all I have been put thru. I have no one to talk to about this mess, this is why

I am here.

>

> Yesterday FADA called to tell me my Grandpa was letting go and I returned to

my Grandparents home. All was civil and I tried to slip out while FADA was out

of the room to avoid another unwelcomed 'moment' - sadly I was unsuccessful.

Hugs and " i love you's " were hurled at me. I left as gracefully as I could. In

the hour it took me to drive home FADA requested to be my friend on facebook and

is sending me messages calling me 'sweetheart' and saying 'i love you'.

>

> I have ridden the BP rollercoaster before. I know this isnt 'real' but once

again I find myself questioning my actions from almost 14 years ago. In the end

I know I did the right thing but I hate how I can doubt that after all these

years.

>

> -laurie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Laurie,

I'm glad you made it over here. I wanted to second Annie's thoughts, but also

add a warning: beware adding your BPD parent as a friend on Facebook or any

other social networking site. The stories I've seen about doing this, plus my

own experience with my nada, suggests that this is just a tool for manipulation,

survellience, and invalidation for them. It's a tool for them to control you (in

my experience). So I would suggest setting a boundary there and not allowing him

to " friend " you.

I would also check your security settings. Maybe just block him so he doesn't

even know your online. I know it seems harsh; it seemed that way to me at first;

but then my nada pushed me to the point where I had to, because of the way she

was using it to try and manipulate and re-write what she had done.

Just a piece of advice, to take or leave...

[Guest guest]

Currently my privacy settings are very high - just to prevent any spying. I have

everything set to friends only and have all my daily feeds hidden from his

family. I need to get something done - since last night I just keep feeling

dizzy and tired - I know this is anxiety. I hate that after 14 years I body

still responds so strongly... I think once I do something I will feel better.

>

> Hi Laurie,

>

> I'm glad you made it over here. I wanted to second Annie's thoughts, but also

add a warning: beware adding your BPD parent as a friend on Facebook or any

other social networking site. The stories I've seen about doing this, plus my

own experience with my nada, suggests that this is just a tool for manipulation,

survellience, and invalidation for them. It's a tool for them to control you (in

my experience). So I would suggest setting a boundary there and not allowing him

to " friend " you.

>

> I would also check your security settings. Maybe just block him so he doesn't

even know your online. I know it seems harsh; it seemed that way to me at first;

but then my nada pushed me to the point where I had to, because of the way she

was using it to try and manipulate and re-write what she had done.

>

> Just a piece of advice, to take or leave...

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Laurie,

I have a very similar problem with my aging parent. For me, I think I am not

helping anyone

by being part of a toxic dynamic. My wife and 2 kids are the primary people who

have to deal with the negative effects of any ongoing toxic relationship. I owe

it to them and to myself to

realize that I can not cure the problem with my parent. I can only choose to let

her find her cure herself or keep doing what she doing, just to someone else.

If you are the family scapegoat, rest assured, you will be replaced in the

family dynamic.

And isn't great not to have to be involved with angry, hostile, toxic and

accusing relationships ? I have grown so much since setting my boundaries and

peace and serenity is

becoming much more of a constant in my life. To me, this is a personal growth

opportunity,

reach out and find the resources that work for you best.

Sincerely,

Tom

[Guest guest]

Dear Laurie,

First, I am sorry about your grandfather's condition. I hope you enjoyed many

wonderful memories with him when he was well.

As far as your fada - what a tough situation! However, don't lose sight of the

fact that you are so far ahead of some of us (like me) who only wish they could

have gone No Contact a long time ago. Don't let this temporary situation make a

permanent change in your life and rob you of your peace.

Think of this - you do not need to DO anything to keep your fada out of your

life (he's already out), but you do need to do things to take him back in. Those

are things like adding him on Facebook, talking to him, responding to his

messages, making room for him in your mind and in your daily life, etc. These

are all things you have to actively DO. But for what purpose? Would this add

anything positive to your life?

In my opinion, the best thing to do is to continue living your life as before

and to NOT do anything. In your shoes I would think that taking NO action is the

best course of action at this point. You may see him a few more times because of

your grandfather, but this is a temporary thing. Smile, avoid as much as

possible and be civil. It saddens me to say this, because I am sure it's quite

painful for you to consider, but after your grandfather has passed away and

funeral rites have been given, the situation with your father will automatically

resolve itself UNLESS you give him the opportunity to cling to you (by adding

him on Facebook, etc.).

Best wishes,

Arianna

> >

> > Hi Laurie,

> >

> > I'm glad you made it over here. I wanted to second Annie's thoughts, but

also add a warning: beware adding your BPD parent as a friend on Facebook or any

other social networking site. The stories I've seen about doing this, plus my

own experience with my nada, suggests that this is just a tool for manipulation,

survellience, and invalidation for them. It's a tool for them to control you (in

my experience). So I would suggest setting a boundary there and not allowing him

to " friend " you.

> >

> > I would also check your security settings. Maybe just block him so he

doesn't even know your online. I know it seems harsh; it seemed that way to me

at first; but then my nada pushed me to the point where I had to, because of the

way she was using it to try and manipulate and re-write what she had done.

> >

> > Just a piece of advice, to take or leave...

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Laurie,

Welcome to the group, glad you made it but I am sorry you had to find us under

such sad circumstances. We can ALL empathize with you. With children of BPs,

it's shocking to see how similar all of our stories and situations can be.

Hopefully you can find some comfort here knowing that the people here are going

through much of what you experience.

I'm NC with my BP parent too, but with circumstances like ill relatives it would

be hard to avoid a run-in. I agree with what everyone else has posted so far:

you have control of this situation to NOT get FOGged back into the toxic

relationship. You have no obligation to your fada. You do NOT have to add him on

facebook, you do NOT have to talk to him, you do not have to respond to anything

he sends you etc. You especially do not have to be guilted by your FOO into

re-starting the relationship. You have come to be with your grandfather in his

time of need, you are not there to " reconcile " the relationship with your fada.

You can be civil as needed, but you owe him nothing more.

Best of luck

- Cvidzz

>

> Hi I am new around here. My name is Laurie and my biological father has BPD.

>

> When I was 17 I chose to sever all contact with FADA after he beat me up in my

high school parking lot. This was not the first time I had suffered at the

expense of his illness. I am now 30.

>

> Currently Darrell's father is dying from Altimeters. When I say dying I mean

the Dr's told us a week ago that he had less than 24 hours to live.

>

> During my visit last week to my Grandpa's death bed a reunion was forced

between FADA and I. I chose to go with it to not cause further duress in my

Grandmothers life during a already emotionally charged time.

>

> Since that time I have been a emotional wreck. My husband did not know me when

I was going thru this turmoil and does not know how to relate to me. My family

thinks that I should just let bygones be bygones but I just cant do that after

all I have been put thru. I have no one to talk to about this mess, this is why

I am here.

>

> Yesterday FADA called to tell me my Grandpa was letting go and I returned to

my Grandparents home. All was civil and I tried to slip out while FADA was out

of the room to avoid another unwelcomed 'moment' - sadly I was unsuccessful.

Hugs and " i love you's " were hurled at me. I left as gracefully as I could. In

the hour it took me to drive home FADA requested to be my friend on facebook and

is sending me messages calling me 'sweetheart' and saying 'i love you'.

>

> I have ridden the BP rollercoaster before. I know this isnt 'real' but once

again I find myself questioning my actions from almost 14 years ago. In the end

I know I did the right thing but I hate how I can doubt that after all these

years.

>

> -laurie

>