Nada s , Suicide , and Tough realities

[Guest guest]

Many have posted recently about the nada trait so many of us know so

well, Suicidal Ideations. It may range from shrieking If you don t

love me I ll kill myself, to pouring out pills in her hand as soon as

she sees you come into the room, to long sighs and I d be better off

dead.

It is FOG. Pure manipulation. The books and therapists tell us, never

take a suicide threat lightly. Treat them all as serious. However,

in the case of a BP, some added factors come into the equation.

1. Often the precursor for suicide is not a blatant threat, but little

signs, such as giving away important items, or saying goodbyes, or I

love yous, where they seem out of place.

2. A person about to commit suicide, unless it is in a rage, usually

does NOT present as a hysterical ball of nada on the floor. Once they

have made the decision to act, they are more likely to be eerily calm

and at peace. In their mind, the things which are driving them to

suicide are now resovled: they are going to die.

( as opposed to nada screaming her threats to kill herself if she doesnt

get her way)

3. A person who is suicidal should have intervention. This does not

mean, if you dont give me ice cream , I ll kill myself. Ok, heres some

ice cream. Rather it means, I m going to put professionals on the case

with you right now. Often, passing the crisis and getting some help

will get them to the place of coping withouit resorting to suicide.

4. A person who is truly determined to end their life, will. Period.

All intervention aside, all help offered aside, if they truly decide

that is what they want, you cannot stop them forever.

5. About 10 % of BP s are considered statistically likely to end their

lives by suicide. It does happen. But that does not provide them

with a lever to manipulate you.

After intervening the first time, by calling 911 or a Dr, I would have

this conversation.

Mom, I do love you, whether you are willing to admit that or not. I

have done what I can to get you help. I truly hope you take the help,

and do not kill yourself. But if you do, it is all on you. It is not,

nor will it be then, my fault. I will not let you use that to

manipulate my guilt or feelings any more. If you call me to say, if you

don t do XYZ , I ll just kill myself because you dont love me, I will

immediately hang up and call 911 and tell them where you are and what

you ve said. You can deal with them, and not with me.

Under no circumstances will I do, or refrain from doing, anything based

on your suicide threats. You are not going to control my life by

threatening to end yours. If you carry out those threats, I ll be sad,

but I will not feel guilty for it.

This is never going to work for you again.

Look at it this way. 90 % of them do not commit suicide, but virtually

all of them use it for manipulation. We should let it work to the same

extent we let a hold my breath tantrum work for a 3 year old. Not at

all. It should make things worse for them every single time. They can

explain to the hospital. They can try to fend off the sheriff. But

whatever they were tying to get from you, absolutely does not happen,

and the problem gets pushed back to where it belongs: Nada.

Doug