my responce to that fb request

[Guest guest]

Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no responce but

I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am trying to define

boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

THanks in advance

-Laurie

Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things I am

processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not want

to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

[Guest guest]

I think you are saying far too much and possibly giving him fuel to use against

you. If it were me, and I had to say something, I would just say " I would prefer

not to have my family on my Facebook page. " Or just block him so he can't see

you at all and can't search for you at all, and if he ever asks just tell him

you don't know anything about it.

Remember, it's just a social networking site, and you don't have to explain

anything. It's YOUR Facebook page. You don't have to friend him, nor is he in

any way entitled to an explanation. If you want space then take it. You'll do

what you feel is right and what you need to do, but I've found that, in the

past, sending letters like that just leads to more trouble. I just don't want

this to cause any additional pain for you.

Again, this is just from my own experience.

[Guest guest]

Reasonable, rational, heart-felt explanations, even when couched in " I "

statements, are usually perceived by those with personality disorder as an

attack, as criticism, or as rejection.

They will argue with you about your own feelings, and tell you that you're being

insensitive (for not putting their wishes first) or too sensitive, (let bygones

be bygones), and you're being cruel for not doing exactly what they want you to

do. You can't have a rational, reasonable, give-and-take discussion with an

irrational person.

So my recommendation is to just block fada completely on Facebook so that you

are totally invisible to him, and then if at some point the subject should ever

come up, just say, " Oh, I hardly ever go on Facebook anymore, its just too

time-consuming. "

When you set a boundary, its not necessary to justify your decision, to get nada

or fada to agree to it or even understand it. You just do it. You can do it

gently, there's no reason to be harsh or cruel, but just setting a boundary in

and of itself will be perceived as harsh, unreasonable and cruel anyway by the

person with pd.

Just my two cent's worth to take or leave.

-Annie

>

> Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no responce

but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am trying to

define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

>

> THanks in advance

> -Laurie

>

> Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things I am

processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not want

to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

>

[Guest guest]

Laurie,

I'm sorry, this is just my opinion, but:

I wouldn't send that facebook message/e-mail. BPs don't understand boundaries,

and they will not respect boundaries you set for them. The way you would expect

a normal person to react to your message, a person with BP will NOT respond that

way. He will be on the defense, no matter what you do.

You don't owe your fada any explanation. I think sending this sort of message

could create a firestorm... so it may be best to just completely block him from

facebook and no accept his request or respond to his messages. You don't have to

let him back in if you don't want to!!

Again, best of luck

- Cvidzz

>

> Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no responce

but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am trying to

define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

>

> THanks in advance

> -Laurie

>

> Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things I am

processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not want

to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

>

[Guest guest]

I am doing this more as a way to say grafefully dont hug me - dont call me. I

havent forgot what you did but this is not the time to discuss. And so that he

cannot say once again how I have turned against him. To that ENTIRE side of my

family he is a saint. I have been NC with all but 3 people from that family for

15 years. They have a very primitive way of protecting the 'tribe' and

unfortunately they see it as a loyalty conflict. The unfortunate thing is that

They really are good people, just a bit backward. :/

> >

> > Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no responce

but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am trying to

define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

> >

> > THanks in advance

> > -Laurie

> >

> > Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things I

am processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not

want to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Aha, I didn't understand from your draft that you didn't want him to hug you;

that didn't register with me at all.

So, from your response I'm getting the impression that you don't really want to

resume any contact with fada at this point: you don't want to friend him on

facebook, you don't want physical contact, and you don't want him to phone you,

correct?

I still suggest that the least problematic approach is to just... withdraw, and

not respond. Remain in No Contact.

If you find yourself forced to attend another event that he will be at, I

suggest utilizing the " medium chill " technique, and do not allow physical

contact. Have your husband or a friend glued to your side constantly. If fada

lunges toward you for a hug, you dodge him, hold up your hand in a " halt "

gesture, and say, " No, thank you, father. " If he ignores your request and

approaches you again, then be blunt: " No, thank you: I don't wish to hug you. "

Then if he grabs you and forces you to hug him... husband can deck fada (if

husband is unable to body-block fada) or you or your friend can utilize a quick

spritz of pepper spray in fada's face, and then take your leave with a cheery,

" Oops, sorry! "

But that's just me.

However if you think a letter will work better for you, then that's your call;

we each have to decide what works best for us, individually. If you do want to

write him a letter I suggest being more direct, though, such as, " I'm not ready

to resume contact with you at this time, father. I'll let you know when I do

wish to resume contact. "

No justifications, no explanation, no arguing; just a simple, straightforward

and plain statement. Its not hostile, critical or mean, its not giving him too

much information, and its not vague.

You're not asking him, you're telling him your decision.

Its also not giving him any wiggle room; it puts you in the power position.

Then, do not contact him again or respond to his attempts at contact (he will

demand that you explain and justify your decision to him, you can bet on it)

until you *are* ready to do so, in your own time and on your own terms.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no

responce but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am

trying to define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

> > >

> > > THanks in advance

> > > -Laurie

> > >

> > > Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things I

am processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not

want to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Laurie...

This is a great letter, which would appeal to and touch any sane person, but you

have to ask yourself - am I dealing with a sane person?

I am afraid this is not a good idea. I am afraid you are setting traps for

yourself. I am afraid you are on the edge of a mine field getting ready to walk

on.

Only you know what feels right to you and what you should do, but looking at it

from the outside (granted I know very little about you through a message or two

on this board), just considering the possible scenarios made me tense up right

now.

Best wishes, no matter what you decide to do, and I hope I am not overstepping

my boundaries when I use the plural, you have us members of this community here

to give you support when you need it.

Arianna

>

> Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no responce

but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am trying to

define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

>

> THanks in advance

> -Laurie

>

> Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things I am

processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not want

to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Laurie...

As Annie said, I didn't really take your letter as a brief " don't hug me "

statement. It was too long, with too many explanations, it even rang a little

like you were offering some form of apology by way of explanations.

You are giving him way too much, way way too much, in my opinion.

No matter how good of people your family are, they have not supported you and

been a source of love, comfort and stability for you when you needed them most.

Furthermore, you have lived your life for 15 years without them, so it does not

seem that their presence is a prerequisite for your happiness.

Again, I would humbly suggest letting it go.

Arianna

> > >

> > > Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no

responce but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am

trying to define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

> > >

> > > THanks in advance

> > > -Laurie

> > >

> > > Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things I

am processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not

want to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, against your advise - which I really did weigh promise! I sent it with

one little tweek - took out anything resembling apology. I had a responce in

under 10 minutes..

" I will take whatever you have to offer, and be there when and if you invite me

in. The decision is yours. Only know that I love you and have never stopped. I

am grateful that we have reconnected. No matter what happen I will always look

at you in some way as my little girl, no matter how old you may be. I love you. "

Maybe he will respect my boundaries, likely he wont. And if he doesn't it is

back to NC. I am not playing the head games. I have better things to do with my

time and as you all pointed out I have done just fine with out him for 14+

years. And no, I sent no reply to his response. Don't plan to either.

> > > >

> > > > Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no

responce but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am

trying to define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

> > > >

> > > > THanks in advance

> > > > -Laurie

> > > >

> > > > Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many things

I am processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and do not

want to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on the other

there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been broken,

now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each other. Each

step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take time and each

positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will allow the time

needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably be easier to

just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be acting and I

would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that you will

appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am grieving for

many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it will be easy to

remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30 now. I am very

independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am actually much more

relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process, knowing that if they can

help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow familiarity the time it needs, and

not ask for more than feels comfortable to me, in order to foster a genuine

relationship.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was on pins and needles for you. I'm glad the response was somewhat mild. It

does, however, ring a little bit with manipulation, but it sounds like you are

reacting with your own strength.

As has been said, everyone must do what they feel works for them and what feels

right. I'm glad you did what felt right to you.

Good job.

> > > > >

> > > > > Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no

responce but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am

trying to define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

> > > > >

> > > > > THanks in advance

> > > > > -Laurie

> > > > >

> > > > > Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many

things I am processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and

do not want to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on

the other there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been

broken, now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each

other. Each step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take

time and each positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will

allow the time needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably

be easier to just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be

acting and I would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that

you will appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am

grieving for many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it

will be easy to remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30

now. I am very independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am

actually much more relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process,

knowing that if they can help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow

familiarity the time it needs, and not ask for more than feels comfortable to

me, in order to foster a genuine relationship.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Laurie,

I am so glad events have taken this peaceful turn. Just like with my own mother

(when I am expecting the worst) I wish and hope so much to be wrong, I truly

wished to be wrong this time.

Some things work out, some parents are not complete lost causes, we have to

believe that. So here's hoping that you will have a peaceful relationship with

your father for years and years to come.

You are in charge of things, you are holding the steering wheel right now and

that is a great start. Set your boundaries, define the rules and demand that

they be respected.

Truly, best wishes,

Arianna

> > > > >

> > > > > Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no

responce but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am

trying to define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

> > > > >

> > > > > THanks in advance

> > > > > -Laurie

> > > > >

> > > > > Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many

things I am processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and

do not want to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on

the other there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been

broken, now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each

other. Each step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take

time and each positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will

allow the time needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably

be easier to just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be

acting and I would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that

you will appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am

grieving for many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it

will be easy to remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30

now. I am very independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am

actually much more relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process,

knowing that if they can help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow

familiarity the time it needs, and not ask for more than feels comfortable to

me, in order to foster a genuine relationship.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> Laurie,

> Just be careful not to let your guard down completely, ever. I am glad for

you but worried at the same time. I think nadas and fadas really do intend to

do better and really do love us, but they can never change fundamentally. My

nada said something along those lines 10 years ago (not quite so well), behaved

better for a long time, especially after my dad died, but eventually went off

the deep end once again, and badly. I had let down my guard after so many years

of stable contact. I wont' make that mistake again. In retrospect, I can see

that once she got a boyfriend and began to feel more and more comfortable in

that relationship, perhaps needing me less, she began to relapse into old

behaviors. It was bound to culminate in a complete and total melt down, which

was of course directly at me. Hope is a dangerous thing, and I think the

hardest thing is learning to give up that last shred of hope for a normal

parent. So enjoy whatever good your fada has to offer, but just keep up those

boundaries.

> Gail

>

>

>> Dear Laurie,

>>

>> I am so glad events have taken this peaceful turn. Just like with my own

mother (when I am expecting the worst) I wish and hope so much to be wrong, I

truly wished to be wrong this time.

>>

>> Some things work out, some parents are not complete lost causes, we have to

believe that. So here's hoping that you will have a peaceful relationship with

your father for years and years to come.

>>

>> You are in charge of things, you are holding the steering wheel right now and

that is a great start. Set your boundaries, define the rules and demand that

they be respected.

>>

>> Truly, best wishes,

>> Arianna

>>

>>

>> > > > > >

>> > > > > > Below is what I am sending to Fada. I would love to just go with no

responce but I am afraid if I dont things will only escleate. Thoughts? I am

trying to define boundaries with out putting Fada on the defence.

>> > > > > >

>> > > > > > THanks in advance

>> > > > > > -Laurie

>> > > > > >

>> > > > > > Just getting around responding to your request. There are so many

things I am processing. On one hand I am glad to be reconnecting with family and

do not want to bring anything but comfort as we all go thru this loss, but on

the other there are some things I need to ask of you. Our relationship has been

broken, now we are in the beginning of learning a new way to relate to each

other. Each step of this will be built as trust is established. This will take

time and each positive experience will pave the way for more. I hope you will

allow the time needed for this and not see it as reluctance. It would probably

be easier to just act like nothing has ever been wrong, but that would just be

acting and I would always wonder what might come next. I would like to know that

you will appreciate my willingness to meet you halfway. Recognize that I am

grieving for many losses and trying to care and support others. I realize it

will be easy to remember me as the little girl who needs protecting, but I am 30

now. I am very independent and some think a little too self-reliant. I am

actually much more relaxed if others allow me the space I need to process,

knowing that if they can help I will ask for it. I ask that you allow

familiarity the time it needs, and not ask for more than feels comfortable to

me, in order to foster a genuine relationship.

>> > > > > >

>> > > > >

>> > > >

>> > >

>> >

>>

>>

>