Guilt

[Guest guest]

I am being subjected to the silence treatment because I could not take my nada

to do her errands at the time she wanted to go.This was two days ago. How do I

stop feeling this nagging guilt for not snapping at attention everytime she

summons me?

[Guest guest]

At 08:50 PM 04/27/2011 Jocelyne wrote:

>I am being subjected to the silence treatment because I could

>not take my nada to do her errands at the time she wanted to

>go.This was two days ago. How do I stop feeling this nagging

>guilt for not snapping at attention everytime she summons me?

Remind yourself that she's an adult who is responsible for her

own needs and that you are also an adult with your own

responsibilities and that you are entitled to a life of your

own. Also, try asking yourself whether other people's parents

expect them to act as yours does? Are your friends and

co-workers all expected to drop whatever they're doing to do

whatever their mother wants? I don't think so. Sometimes it

helps to think about how you'd react if you saw a stranger

treating her adult daughter the way your nada treats you. If you

wouldn't think it was acceptable behavior then, why is it

acceptable for your nada to do it to you?

I recommend being thankful for the silent treatment and

forgetting the guilt.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thank you, this is very helpful.

> >I am being subjected to the silence treatment because I could

> >not take my nada to do her errands at the time she wanted to

> >go.This was two days ago. How do I stop feeling this nagging

> >guilt for not snapping at attention everytime she summons me?

>

> Remind yourself that she's an adult who is responsible for her

> own needs and that you are also an adult with your own

> responsibilities and that you are entitled to a life of your

> own. Also, try asking yourself whether other people's parents

> expect them to act as yours does? Are your friends and

> co-workers all expected to drop whatever they're doing to do

> whatever their mother wants? I don't think so. Sometimes it

> helps to think about how you'd react if you saw a stranger

> treating her adult daughter the way your nada treats you. If you

> wouldn't think it was acceptable behavior then, why is it

> acceptable for your nada to do it to you?

>

> I recommend being thankful for the silent treatment and

> forgetting the guilt.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you've been subjected to that kind of treatment. Treating you like

a hired hand, a paid companion, a chauffeur in her employ, is abusive in my

opinion. My nada is the same way. She is very impatient and she feels entitled

to treat myself and my Sister like servants. Not too long ago, when my Sister

was just a little late picking up our nada to drive her to some appointment or

other, nada had a total meltdown screaming rage at Sister.

Just keep reminding yourself that your nada's demands are unrealistic and

abusive. She is NOT entitled to treat you like a piece of crap on her shoe just

because you are her daughter.

Those with Cluster B personality disorders tend to treat other people like

objects, possessions, or servants, PARTICULARLY their children, and the only

reason we snap to attention and say " How high? " when she says " Jump! " is that

nada trained us to do this from our babyhood.

Mine used fear to train me to obey her instantly. As long as I can remember, I

was physically afraid of my own mother. If I displeased her I was likely to get

slapped in the face, screamed at, or even beaten with a belt, or humiliated and

shamed.

But emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, in my opinion.

Making you feel like a bad person, a bad daughter, for not instantly snapping to

attention and fulfilling your nada's every whim is just as bad. Being treated

like a slave is very demeaning and inappropriate and humiliating.

So instead of guilt, maybe allow yourself to feel some righteous indignation.

How dare your mother treat you like an object? A *thing*? She's not paying you

to be her servant, you are being kind to her and she is completely

unappreciative and demands even more of you. How incredibly entitled she must

feel!

I personally think this kind of behavior is due to a strong narcissistic pd

component. Its not uncommon for those with bpd to also have other pds as well,

or to also have Axis I disorders too.

So... you have the power to *not accept* the guilt feelings. You can overcome

this brainwashing you were subjected to, this inappropriate and misplaced guilt.

But if you're not feeling like you can do this on your own, then perhaps you can

with a good therapist who is familiar with treating the adult survivors of

abusive parents. That's what it took for my Sister. For years, I kept telling

Sister that she was giving our mother too much of her free time, and that no

matter how much she gave our nada it would never be enough.

Finally, it took my Sister going to a good therapist (a psychologist, who also

just happened himself to be the adult child of a mother with bpd) who was able

to " absolve " my Sister, release her from her inappropriate and misplaced

feelings of guilt.

He happened to be male. Maybe he represented the " higher authority " figure

Sister needed to feel truly absolved from her inappropriate guilt (?)

So, maybe that will work for you too; having a trusted psychologist/therapist

tell you that you do not have any reason to feel guilty for not wanting to be

disrespected and treated like a servant by your mother.

-Annie

>

> I am being subjected to the silence treatment because I could not take my nada

to do her errands at the time she wanted to go.This was two days ago. How do I

stop feeling this nagging guilt for not snapping at attention everytime she

summons me?

>

[Guest guest]

That's difficult because we've had a lifetime of being trained to do as she says

or else! As my nada would say if I didn't snap to it " Comes the revolution! " I

knew I'd better get moving.

As an older person now, I still get those knee jerk reactions of guilt grabbing

me. Then I have to talk to myself, remind myself why I couldn't do what she

asked/demanded and get busy. I have to stay busy for awhile till my brain and

stomach let it go. Let's face it: nadas will never let us go completely. She'll

be back after she's had her pout and power play. Then you just talk and behave

normally as if you had declined a request from a friend or neighbor. Pretend

she's normal LOL.

>

> I am being subjected to the silence treatment because I could not take my nada

to do her errands at the time she wanted to go.This was two days ago. How do I

stop feeling this nagging guilt for not snapping at attention everytime she

summons me?

>