Guest guest Posted April 27, 2011 Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Even though fada definitely has abandonment fears, he's very supportive of me spending time with friends and knowing more about my friends (or so it seems). It's just really confusing when I get two different messages: I am changing jobs soon, so this week is full of good-byes and spending time with friends in my soon-to-be-old neighborhood. Fada knows I will be very busy these next few days, and is happy that I will get to spend time with friends even though so much is happening with the big move. Yet, when I don't call tonight (it was under 24hrs since I last called him) I get a nasty email asking if my phone is broken or if I am " avoiding " him. He clearly knows I am busy and was supportive of me being with friends just a day ago! I did end up calling and the call went smoothly. He talked as if he had never sent that email to me! How should I respond when this happens again? I just don't know how to handle the two conflicting messages (I know you are busy with friends vs. make sure you call us often) without feeling guilty or making our relationship seem super tense. Anyone have any good tips or resources on the sticky communication issues? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 28, 2011 Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 My suggestion is to start reading up about borderline pd behaviors so that you can take fada's controlling, demanding, manipulative behaviors less personally ( " Surviving A Borderline Parent " ), start reading up about how to set healthy adult boundaries for yourself ( " Boundaries " , " Stop Walking On Eggshells " ) and reading up about overcoming co-dependency, which is feeling inappropriately responsible for another adult's feelings ( " Co-Dependent No More " .) There are other good books about these subjects in the reading list section at BPDCentral.com. As an adult its not your job to be responsible for fada's fears or to cater to his excessive need for attention from you. If fada is demanding something like a " report " from you every 24 hours *and if you're allowing this*, then, frankly, that sounds kind of overly-enmeshed to me: an unhealthy over-involvement with each other. If you were dating a guy and you found out that he felt compelled to phone his mommy every day and tell her everything he did, including stuff he did with you, would you respect him as an adult male? As self-supporting, responsible adults *we are entitled to respect from our parents and we are entitled to adult privacy.* A possible example of the way this could work: You phone fada on Sunday (your once-a-week call, because you decided once a day is too much) and fada sounds tense and irritable with you. Perhaps he's angry at you for cutting back to once a week, but he refuses to discuss this with you directly, as one adult to another; instead he's acting hurt, like a wounded child. You make the effort to initiate a normal, pleasant conversation with him anyway. But he continues sounding terse (he wants you to feel guilty for hurting his feelings, apologize and beg for forgiveness) so you remain calm and polite, and just say something like, " Well, I sense (or I can hear) that you're upset now, so, I'll talk to you again next week; I hope you're feeling better then. It was nice talking with you. Love ya! 'bye! " In other words, you no longer cater to his attempts at manipulating you. You no longer apologize for simply being an adult with her own life. So if fada is going to blow his weekly phone call with you by being a pouty child, then, he's choosing to have a very short conversation with you. He's an adult, that's his choice. But, YOU have to figure out what works for *you*, in your own individual situation. You can do that when you're not held back by the false belief that just setting reasonable adult boundaries for yourself makes you a bad person or a bad daughter. Just asking for the simple basic respect that you deserve as an adult is *normal and reasonable* and there is no guilt involved. In my opinion. -Annie > > Even though fada definitely has abandonment fears, he's very supportive of me spending time with friends and knowing more about my friends (or so it seems). It's just really confusing when I get two different messages: I am changing jobs soon, so this week is full of good-byes and spending time with friends in my soon-to-be-old neighborhood. Fada knows I will be very busy these next few days, and is happy that I will get to spend time with friends even though so much is happening with the big move. Yet, when I don't call tonight (it was under 24hrs since I last called him) I get a nasty email asking if my phone is broken or if I am " avoiding " him. He clearly knows I am busy and was supportive of me being with friends just a day ago! > > I did end up calling and the call went smoothly. He talked as if he had never sent that email to me! > > How should I respond when this happens again? I just don't know how to handle the two conflicting messages (I know you are busy with friends vs. make sure you call us often) without feeling guilty or making our relationship seem super tense. > > Anyone have any good tips or resources on the sticky communication issues? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 28, 2011 Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 Hi Mike, My Fada and I have been thru many diffrent lengths of time of NC. Sometimes 3-6 months. Sometimes 2 years, more recently 15 years. Each time it does end in a emotional event (In my case the death of a grandparent). I can almost count on it. As you can see in other posts I am in the beginnings of a 'reconsileation' at this time. In my experience the NC will range thu all kinds of BP types. I wish you luck. -Laurie > > I haven't spoken to my mother in 4 months by my choice. Yet, she > hasn't made any attempt to speake to me either. Since I'm new here is > her not contacting me part of bpd behavior (queen, witch, etc.)? > Thanks for everyone's input. > > Mike > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 28, 2011 Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 it is failry normal. The first 6 months were the hardest for me. I just hit my one year mark and that was tough too. It always going to be tough when you take the blindfolds off and start to see the world through your own eyes instead of nada's and fada's. She probably hasnt made any attempt because she is blaming you for her actions. (typical nada behavior). I dont know her, but if she is like our nadas, you can expect a phone call soon to ask why you havent called and kissed her ass. Bottom line: you will hear from her eventually. AJ > > > > I haven't spoken to my mother in 4 months by my choice. Yet, she > > hasn't made any attempt to speake to me either. Since I'm new here is > > her not contacting me part of bpd behavior (queen, witch, etc.)? > > Thanks for everyone's input. > > > > Mike > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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