Re: HELP- fada wants to meet me and break NC. What to do?

[Guest guest]

It helped me to begin to replace the scared, numb, weak feelings I had around my

nada with the repressed anger and righteous indignation I was not allowed to

express during my growing up years and beyond.

I'm not talking about me directing out-of-control rage or physical violence or

emotional abuse at my nada, I'm talking more in the nature of indignation at

being treated unfairly/insulted. I allowed myself to say to myself, " Nada, how

DARE you say/do that to me!? " instead of just going passive and submissive.

It was forbidden for me to have (well, to show) *any* negative feelings, so I

learned to squelch them down deep. I was not allowed to protect myself from

either physical or emotional abuse by my nada, I had to accept anything she did

to me or said to me as OK, accept that I deserved it and accept that I caused

her to be so angry at me and critical of me so often because I was not good

enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or successful enough for

her.

In my nada's twisted pd mindset, I *could* be good enough for her and please her

*but I was deliberately not being perfect.* I was *withholding perfection* from

her, denying her narcissistic feed by deliberately not trying hard enough, etc.

Talk about crazy-making! I tried so hard to be perfect that I was a neurotic,

robotic, emotional basket-case as a little child and into adulthood, but I

still was never good enough unless I brought her something she could brag about.

When we are not allowed to express our anger in a normal, healthy way we repress

it and then we become afraid of it. We feel that it makes us BAD to feel anger

or worse, to express it. Sometimes we believe that if we tap into this

repressed anger it will overwhelm us, take over, and we'll become lost in our

anger.

Therapy can help with this.

It can help us when we have interactions with our pd parents to stay anchored in

the reality that *we are adults now who deserve common courtesy and respect,*

and not involuntarily warp back in time emotionally to the little scared

children that we used to be.

We can learn to emotionally detach enough to observe our parent treating us with

disrespect, disdain or even contempt, we can observe them attempting to

manipulate our feelings with Fear-Obligation-Guilt, and feel angry and indignant

about it instead of cringing down in a submissive, subservient puddle.

Our adult self can protect our child self from our abusive parent, now. We have

the power now and we can be protective calmly and politely:

" Dad, I'm not going to discuss that with you. Is there something else you'd

like to talk with me about? "

" Mom, I will not sit here and listen to you say negative, hurtful, untrue things

like that about (my mother, my husband, my child, me). If that's what you

wanted this to be about, then I'm leaving/hanging up now. "

" Well, if that's the only thing you want to talk with me about, Dad, then, I

will say goodbye now and talk with you again some other time. I will not be

discussing that topic with you, though. "

" I can sense that / hear that you are upset/angry now, Mom. We can talk about

(whatever) later when you are feeling better/calmer. I'll say goodbye now. "

And you have the power to be emotionally prepared ahead of time to say these

things (to set and enforce your boundaries) and to then leave the restaurant or

their home, or hang up the phone. Do not stick around for more than one second

of emotional battering, you cut that off instantly (with one of the responses

above, even if it means talking over them.) For that reason I always recommend

having meetings with difficult, abusive parents in ANY other place than your own

home. Its MUCH easier for you to leave a restaurant quickly or leave their home

quickly than it is to get someone to leave your home!

(Always remember to park in a place where you cannot get blocked in and

prevented from leaving. Its always better to have a friend or spouse with you,

also, instead of meeting with an abusive parent alone.)

You have done nothing to feel guilty about merely for protecting yourself from

an abusive person. Parents do not have the right to hurl emotional abuse or

manipulations at their children, and they do not have the right to use or

exploit their children. Children are not possessions, investments, or servants,

or robots programmed to obey, any more than a child is her parent's lover or her

parent's parent. Its all wrong.

A self-supporting, responsible adult has earned the right to be treated with

respect and as a fellow adult by his or her parents.

So, do everything you can to just drop the inappropriate and misplaced guilt

that actually belongs on your parents' shoulders.

Their guilt is not your burden to carry for them.

-Annie

>

> My one year anniversary of NC came around Easter time. My fada sent me a text

message to wish me a happy Easter, and asked when is he going to see me. I told

him that I had no problem seeing him, but I do not want to see my nada. I have

zero desire to reconcile with her. He then tells me that I am wrong about not

wanting to see my nada and how " other mothers do the same thing but why are they

forgiven and I am not? " (this is referring to my mother in law, whom is nice to

me and my nada hates that).

>

> Anyways, my fada calls me last night to tell me he wants to have dinner with

me next week. I say yes, but I am a little apprehensive. He not only is a

" flying monkey " but the head of the flying monkeys! Because my nada was a Witch

( Lawson's book. I HATE confrontation and I am fearful that all this

meeting will be about is how I am a horrible daughter and how I need to respect

my mother, blah blah blah.

>

> I know I shouldnt but I see my fada as an abused wife who is fearful to make

his own decisions. I know that my nada most likely set up this meeting to " get

informatiion " and because I feel sorry for my fada, who never protected me from

her, I am fearful that I will feel sorry for him and revert back to that 10 year

old scared little girl who doesnt stand up for herself.

>

> Any advice?? Greatly appreciated!! Thanks!

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

AJ,

My recommendation is to set some ground rules beforehand. Tell

him upfront, before you meet, that you are not willing to

discuss your nada and that you aren't going to just sit and

listen to him criticize you. Meet him at a restaurant rather

than having him come to your home or pick you up to go somewhere

so that you can leave easily if he starts acting like a flying

monkey. Being someplace where there are plenty of other people

will probably make it less likely that he'll yell at you or

otherwise do something that will attract attention. Don't tell

him anything that you don't want him to tell your nada. That may

mean spending the meal discussing superficial topics. The

weather and various local sports teams are usually safe

topics. If his behavior becomes unacceptable, leave. You don't

have to spend a meal being verbally abused. Keep reminding

yourself that you're an adult and not subject to your nada and

fada's rule anymore. It may help to choose a restaurant that

isn't one you went to with your parents while you were growing

up and where you feel comfortable now.

At 01:41 PM 04/28/2011 aj91507 wrote:

>My one year anniversary of NC came around Easter time. My fada

>sent me a text message to wish me a happy Easter, and asked

>when is he going to see me. I told him that I had no problem

>seeing him, but I do not want to see my nada. I have zero

>desire to reconcile with her. He then tells me that I am wrong

>about not wanting to see my nada and how " other mothers do the

>same thing but why are they forgiven and I am not? " (this is

>referring to my mother in law, whom is nice to me and my nada

>hates that).

>

>Anyways, my fada calls me last night to tell me he wants to

>have dinner with me next week. I say yes, but I am a little

>apprehensive. He not only is a " flying monkey " but the head of

>the flying monkeys! Because my nada was a Witch (

>Lawson's book. I HATE confrontation and I am fearful that all

>this meeting will be about is how I am a horrible daughter and

>how I need to respect my mother, blah blah blah.

>

>I know I shouldnt but I see my fada as an abused wife who is

>fearful to make his own decisions. I know that my nada most

>likely set up this meeting to " get informatiion " and because I

>feel sorry for my fada, who never protected me from her, I am

>fearful that I will feel sorry for him and revert back to that

>10 year old scared little girl who doesnt stand up for herself.

>

>Any advice?? Greatly appreciated!! Thanks!

>

>AJ

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I'd consider saying no, thats your right. And if I said yes I'd do all the

parking/public place stuff recommended above, but let me add that I'd also

take cash so that I could make a quick, graceful exit w/o waiting for

someone to run my credit card.

XOXO

>

>

> AJ,

> My recommendation is to set some ground rules beforehand. Tell

> him upfront, before you meet, that you are not willing to

> discuss our nada and that you aren't going to just sit and

> listen to him criticize you. Meet him at a restaurant rather

> than having him come to your home or pick you up to go somewhere

> so that you can leave easily if he starts acting like a flying

> monkey. Being someplace where there are plenty of other people

> will probably make it less likely that he'll yell at you or

> otherwise do something that will attract attention. Don't tell

> him anything that you don't want him to tell your nada. That may

> mean spending the meal discussing superficial topics. The

> weather and various local sports teams are usually safe

> topics. If his behavior becomes unacceptable, leave. You don't

> have to spend a meal being verbally abused. Keep reminding

> yourself that you're an adult and not subject to your nada and

> fada's rule anymore. It may help to choose a restaurant that

> isn't one you went to with your parents while you were growing

> up and where you feel comfortable now.

>

>

> At 01:41 PM 04/28/2011 aj91507 wrote:

> >My one year anniversary of NC came around Easter time. My fada

> >sent me a text message to wish me a happy Easter, and asked

> >when is he going to see me. I told him that I had no problem

> >seeing him, but I do not want to see my nada. I have zero

> >desire to reconcile with her. He then tells me that I am wrong

> >about not wanting to see my nada and how " other mothers do the

> >same thing but why are they forgiven and I am not? " (this is

> >referring to my mother in law, whom is nice to me and my nada

> >hates that).

> >

> >Anyways, my fada calls me last night to tell me he wants to

> >have dinner with me next week. I say yes, but I am a little

> >apprehensive. He not only is a " flying monkey " but the head of

> >the flying monkeys! Because my nada was a Witch (

> >Lawson's book. I HATE confrontation and I am fearful that all

> >this meeting will be about is how I am a horrible daughter and

> >how I need to respect my mother, blah blah blah.

> >

> >I know I shouldnt but I see my fada as an abused wife who is

> >fearful to make his own decisions. I know that my nada most

> >likely set up this meeting to " get informatiion " and because I

> >feel sorry for my fada, who never protected me from her, I am

> >fearful that I will feel sorry for him and revert back to that

> >10 year old scared little girl who doesnt stand up for herself.

> >

> >Any advice?? Greatly appreciated!! Thanks!

> >

> >AJ

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>