Guest guest Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Hi Everyone I have been offline for a long time, mainly because I have gone NC with NADA (more than 2 years) and the boundaries are so tight, only I (and my family) live inside and the walls are 20 metres high!! And I have had great peace and have been able to get on with my life. But Nada turns 79 soon and I have been wondering whether I should reestablish some very controlled communication. Perhaps I could meet NADA with a third person (who is excellent with boundaries) at the first meeting, who NADA knows and actually has a relationship with and so do I, and if that works get that person to suggest that NADA and I continue to meet at a therapist's office (my idea but mooted by the third party). The third party is willing to do this. I do not trust NADA but if she is agreeable to controlled visits, perhaps I could try it out. It may go badly wrong, in which case, I could go NC again and the only person who has to recut losses is me instead of having my whole family impacted by this. Why do I want to do all this? Because I have a sense of responsibility that I cannot shake. I was very close to my dear non BPD father and do not want his memory sullied by nasty family fall out once NADA is gone. I do not want my biological family going down the tubes (I only have one sibling who is the golden child, knows what NADA is like but in the past, has sometimes chosen to side with her and attack me although we have had it out and this no longer happens). So....forgive the rambling....and the long absence......any thoughts?? Am I only kidding myself, should I just forget it all, ride into the sunset....but then I will have to contend with the inevitable guilt that I did not try....one last time.....Thanks for your responses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 > > Dear , > > As one who also is very close to my non-BDP father, I understand much of what > you express. Honestly, my best advice is: follow your heart, but PROTECT IT. > As you mentioned, controlled communication is the key. > > May you continue to experience the peace you have established. > > Peace, > > > > > Hi Everyone > > I have been offline for a long time, mainly because I have gone NC with NADA > (more than 2 years) and the boundaries are so tight, only I (and my family) > live > inside and the walls are 20 metres high!! And I have had great peace and have > been able to get on with my life. But Nada turns 79 soon and I have been > wondering whether I should reestablish some very controlled communication. > Perhaps I could meet NADA with a third person (who is excellent with > boundaries) > at the first meeting, who NADA knows and actually has a relationship with and > so > do I, and if that works get that person to suggest that NADA and I continue to > meet at a therapist's office (my idea but mooted by the third party). The > third > party is willing to do this. I do not trust NADA but if she is agreeable to > controlled visits, perhaps I could try it out. It may go badly wrong, in which > case, I could go NC again and the only person who has to recut losses is me > instead of having my whole family impacted by this. > > Why do I want to do all this? Because I have a sense of responsibility that I > cannot shake. I was very close to my dear non BPD father and do not want his > memory sullied by nasty family fall out once NADA is gone. I do not want my > biological family going down the tubes (I only have one sibling who is the > golden child, knows what NADA is like but in the past, has sometimes chosen to > side with her and attack me although we have had it out and this no longer > happens). > > So....forgive the rambling....and the long absence......any thoughts?? Am I > only kidding myself, should I just forget it all, ride into the sunset....but > then I will have to contend with the inevitable guilt that I did not > try....one > last time.....Thanks for your responses. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Depends on your situation, my nada died and we were not in contact, but I don't believe that any contact would have been a healthy thing for us. So I have no regrets. In my case I woul dhave been cornered into being the enabler which I refuse to do anymore doesn't help anyone or anything. I had ot let her drama be jsut that her drama and move on with my life. Up to oyou though proflaf Subject: Greetings from To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, May 2, 2011, 4:23 AM  Hi Everyone I have been offline for a long time, mainly because I have gone NC with NADA (more than 2 years) and the boundaries are so tight, only I (and my family) live inside and the walls are 20 metres high!! And I have had great peace and have been able to get on with my life. But Nada turns 79 soon and I have been wondering whether I should reestablish some very controlled communication. Perhaps I could meet NADA with a third person (who is excellent with boundaries) at the first meeting, who NADA knows and actually has a relationship with and so do I, and if that works get that person to suggest that NADA and I continue to meet at a therapist's office (my idea but mooted by the third party). The third party is willing to do this. I do not trust NADA but if she is agreeable to controlled visits, perhaps I could try it out. It may go badly wrong, in which case, I could go NC again and the only person who has to recut losses is me instead of having my whole family impacted by this. Why do I want to do all this? Because I have a sense of responsibility that I cannot shake. I was very close to my dear non BPD father and do not want his memory sullied by nasty family fall out once NADA is gone. I do not want my biological family going down the tubes (I only have one sibling who is the golden child, knows what NADA is like but in the past, has sometimes chosen to side with her and attack me although we have had it out and this no longer happens). So....forgive the rambling....and the long absence......any thoughts?? Am I only kidding myself, should I just forget it all, ride into the sunset....but then I will have to contend with the inevitable guilt that I did not try....one last time.....Thanks for your responses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Hi , This is such a deeply personal decision; you are the only one who can know which risks you can handle and whether the potential benefits are worth the risks. Maybe a " Pro " heading and a " Con " heading on a piece of paper will help you compare the risks and benefits. List each separate benefit in a column under its heading, and each separate risk or downside under " Con " , one per line. Sometimes it helps me to analyze an issue visually (I'm one of those who " thinks " visually.) Each of us has our own individual set of injuries that are still raw, or healing, healed, or permanent, and each of our nadas has a differing capacity to inflict new injuries, or rip the scab off of a healing wound, or, perhaps in some cases, actually help us to heal. You are truly the only one who has all this information regarding your own case, and only you can weigh and assess the personal cost or potential gain each factor has. Perhaps you have a trusted therapist who can give you some feedback based on knowing you personally, knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are, your level of healing and your resilience. Its truly about what will work best for you. But my own opinion is that if you have already been sacrificing yourself for many years, or decades, on the altar of " being a good daughter " and all it has gotten you is repeated trauma and injury, then, you've already given more than anyone should be asked to give. But if you are feeling healed, strong, powerful and resilient, then perhaps it won't re-injure you to try one more time to have some sort of reconciliation, with many boundaries in place. You can always go No Contact again if you find that there is no change and the toxic seepage is eating through your boundaries and harming you. As the adult child of a pd parent, it really is hard to wrap your mind around the idea that its actually OK to put your own needs and safety first, not mama's, and doing so doesn't make you a bad person or a bad daughter. If your mother were mentally healthy, *she* would not want you to put yourself in harm's way, and I'm betting a mentally healthy mother would rather die than hurt her child, herself. Maybe keep that in mind as you're making your decision. Best of luck to you, and either way you've got our support. -Annie > > Hi Everyone > > I have been offline for a long time, mainly because I have gone NC with NADA > (more than 2 years)�and the boundaries are so tight, only I (and my family) live > inside and the walls are 20 metres high!! And I have had great peace and have > been able to get on with my life. But Nada turns�79 soon and I have been > wondering whether I should reestablish some very controlled communication. > Perhaps I could meet NADA�with a third person (who is excellent with boundaries) > at the first meeting, who NADA knows and actually has a relationship with and so > do I, and if that works get that person to suggest that NADA and I continue to > meet at a therapist's office (my idea but mooted by the third party). The third > party is willing to do this. I do not trust NADA but if she is agreeable to > controlled visits, perhaps I could try it out. It may go badly wrong, in which > case, I could go NC again and the only person who has to recut losses is me > instead of having my whole family impacted by this. > > Why do I want to do all this? Because I have a sense of responsibility that I > cannot shake. I was very close to my dear non BPD father and do not want his > memory sullied by nasty family fall out once NADA is gone. I do not want my > biological family going down the tubes (I only have one sibling who is the > golden child, knows what NADA is like but in the past, has sometimes chosen to > side with her and attack me although we have had it out and this no longer > happens). > > So....forgive the rambling....and the long absence......any thoughts??� Am I > only kidding myself, should I just forget it all, ride into the sunset....but > then I will have to contend with the inevitable guilt that I did not try....one > last time.....Thanks for your responses. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Dear Thank you. What you say makes sense. I am not ready to take the plunge yet. Peace be with you too. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Mon, May 2, 2011 5:45:23 AM Subject: Re: Greetings from  > > Dear , > > As one who also is very close to my non-BDP father, I understand much of what > you express. Honestly, my best advice is: follow your heart, but PROTECT IT. > As you mentioned, controlled communication is the key. > > May you continue to experience the peace you have established. > > Peace, > > > > > Hi Everyone > > I have been offline for a long time, mainly because I have gone NC with NADA > (more than 2 years) and the boundaries are so tight, only I (and my family) > live > inside and the walls are 20 metres high!! And I have had great peace and have > been able to get on with my life. But Nada turns 79 soon and I have been > wondering whether I should reestablish some very controlled communication. > Perhaps I could meet NADA with a third person (who is excellent with > boundaries) > at the first meeting, who NADA knows and actually has a relationship with and > so > do I, and if that works get that person to suggest that NADA and I continue to > meet at a therapist's office (my idea but mooted by the third party). The > third > party is willing to do this. I do not trust NADA but if she is agreeable to > controlled visits, perhaps I could try it out. It may go badly wrong, in which > case, I could go NC again and the only person who has to recut losses is me > instead of having my whole family impacted by this. > > Why do I want to do all this? Because I have a sense of responsibility that I > cannot shake. I was very close to my dear non BPD father and do not want his > memory sullied by nasty family fall out once NADA is gone. I do not want my > biological family going down the tubes (I only have one sibling who is the > golden child, knows what NADA is like but in the past, has sometimes chosen to > side with her and attack me although we have had it out and this no longer > happens). > > So....forgive the rambling....and the long absence......any thoughts?? Am I > only kidding myself, should I just forget it all, ride into the sunset....but > then I will have to contend with the inevitable guilt that I did not > try....one > last time.....Thanks for your responses. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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