Trying to permanently escape

May 2, 2011

Hi, everyone. I'm new.

My mother and sister have BPD. My father... I have no idea. I read A Wolf At

The Table this year. Something clicked.

I'm laughing because the Oz metaphor is perfect. I've been using that imagery

for the past seven years without knowing anything about borderline personality

disorder.

I'm at one of those moments of instant, complete understanding. My family is

starting to make sense. I wish I knew about this group years ago.

This may be the longest introduction the group has ever seen. I apologize in

advance. I'm trying to convince myself that my family -is- dysfunctional and

that I am not a horrible person for wanting to sever ties with everyone.

My mother plays the Witch and the Waif. Before I knew about BPD, I described my

mother as sociopathic. I seem to be the only one in the family who can see that

her rages are controlled and her suicide threats are not true suicide threats.

My sister shows the same manipulative behavior patterns as my mother.

My father is violent. I describe him as having the emotional maturity of a

three-year-old. He'll go into a rage, my parents will fight, and then my mother

will leave a suicide note on the table and lock herself in her bedroom. When

they aren't on speaking terms, my father is the villain. When they are on

speaking terms, they gang up on me.

Where is my mother when my father is attacking me? " What do you expect me to

do? He won't listen to me. "

I remember riding in the back of the car with my brother as a little kid. My

mother was screaming " I'm going to crash this car into a telephone pole! "

I remember being scared to bring my friends home because of my mother's

outbursts. My mother didn't care if my friends saw everything. I remember

bringing my best friend home and getting backhanded across the kitchen floor.

My mother was SMILING. " Do you want me to pour this kettle of boiling water on

your head? "

As a teenager, I nicknamed her " Bathory " . " Mom " and " Mother " both

feel invasive. I never called my father " Dad " . We kids referred to him as

" Him " . Not Dad. " Him. " He's a nightmare.

Right now, I'm 24. I'm trying to get away from these people permanently. I'm

failing because I am not in good health right now. They're exploiting that.

I saw university as a way out. When I moved, my mother had to stay in control.

She or my father would actually drive to my university city and visit my

apartment uninvited. They made copies of my house keys to let themselves in.

My mother kept calling the University Health Centre. She was FURIOUS because

they wouldn't give her my health information.

She started telling me how much she loves my university city and how she and

That Man are thinking about moving there.

She tells everyone who will listen that I have " mental health problems " .

" You're crazy. You're nuts. You're just nuts. Oh you're so stupid. " I'm not

sure what exactly she thinks I have. She cannot think rationally enough to make

up a list of conditions that do not exclude each other by definition. Her story

changes every time she sees a new episode of Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil.

When I refused to take phone calls last summer, she called the university health

centre, who sent the police to my apartment to investigate a claim that I am

" suicidal " .

I had to explain to the police that I was not suicidal or about to harm myself,

suicide gestures are my mother's thing, not mine, and that my mother pulls this

kind of stunt all the time. I've broken leases to try to get away from that

woman.

I'm afraid to drive. Someone in my family anonymously called the Ministry of

Transportation in hopes of getting my license revoked. It didn't happen, but a

doctor on campus had to do a full examination and fill out a lengthy report. I

later found out that my father found this hilarious. Apparently, he tried this

before. Years ago, he anonymously reported my sister to the Ministry of

Transportation, and my sister anonymously reported him.

They've called the local police on me so many times that the officers recognize

me immediately. If I " threaten " to leave the house and " upset my mother " , which

is obviously my real motive for wanting to LEAVE, they confiscate my belongings

and call the police. My father disabled my car and confiscated my car keys, car

ownership, and car insurance on different occasions. I recently found a pile of

my medical documents and receipts from previous landlords in his bedroom.

Every time I say anything about how I find this wrong, my mother descends on me.

" Mind your own business " makes her furious. Is that verbally abusive? She

claims it's verbal abuse. " How dare you say that to YOUR OWN MOTHER. " " You

don't appreciate everything I've done for you. "

For the last two years on Christmas, and this year at Easter, my mother tried to

OD on sleeping pills. Every time this happens, I call the paramedics. This

makes both of my parents furious. The ambulance at the front door is

embarrassing to them. I don't get it. If it's so embarrassing, then, um...

stop leaving suicide notes? It's either " I love you, take care of the cats " or

" My death will be on your heads. "

Flashbacks to me at fourteen, winter, leaving school early to go hunting for my

mother after she informed my father that she is going to jump off a bridge.

When the police arrive, my father manages to convince them that I am wrong and

bad for interfering because my mother " doesn't really mean it " . The police seem

to automatically believe anything my father says. My father is a good actor.

I'm enraged and upset, and he's perfectly calm. The moment the police leave,

the calm facade disappears and he CHARGES at me, screaming.

My therapist told me that " One of these days your mother IS going to kill

herself. Even then, it won't be your fault. "

I don't know if that's true. I don't care. I want to get out. I want to move

away and not have to worry about my parents calling my school or my landlord,

emailing me, tracking me on the internet, or -- like my sister -- hiring a

private detective to find out what I'm doing. I want to live without constantly

worrying about whether my personal documents are going to disappear into my

father's bedroom, or whether my father is going to disable my car again or get a

hold of my medical records and complain about me to our relatives, or send the

local police to my apartment door.

Or without getting half-literate emails from my father complaining that " Mum is

very sick " and that I am making it worse.

I have real health problems. On the other hand, my mother is always sick with

something or dying from something. If she has a headache, it's probably a brain

tumor. I'm sifting through notes on my computer to see what else she has

claimed to be suffering from. Cancer. Rheumatoid arthritis. This week, she

has a dislocated finger and gout. She is in SO MUCH PAIN.

So am I, but I generally don't mention it around her. If I'm in pain, she's in

worse pain. If I haven't slept in 48 hours, she hasn't slept either AND she's

" STILL WORKING LIKE A PICKANINNY. " She is only kind to me when I'm sick. Which

is disturbing. I don't want that kind of attention. I DO want people to

recognize that my mother is manipulative. It's probably a lost cause.

She walks around the kitchen speaking about herself in the third person. " Poor

old [Liz]. None of her children appreciate her. "

I want her out of my life.

I don't know how to accomplish this. I've asked the police if I could file a

restraining order. " Is your mother threatening violence? " " No, but my father

COULD be violent... " " Did your father threaten to physically harm you? " " Not

recently. He doesn't THREATEN. " So I can't get a restraining order.

I feel as if I'm being stalked. I don't care about my property anymore, but I

do care about the fact that they contact the police, my school, and my landlords

EVERYWHERE I GO. And they always turn me into some kind of manipulator. EVERY

TIME, my mother gets away with her stories. Even when she is supposedly

suicidal, she can have long conversations about how she is very upset with the

family because we are unappreciative. " Your mother is a nice woman. "

Here's a note to self from March: " My parents saw Augusten Burroughs. Now IT'S

TIME FOR YOU TO GO LIVE IN A SHELTER. PACK A BAG AND GET OUT. TAKE YOUR

[little] DOG TOO. "

As I said, I'm intimately familiar with Wizard of Oz imagery. Now I know why.

I'm reading about Flying Monkeys. I love this.

I'm an adult. I can leave. I'm not a victim. But I can't keep those people

away. Has anyone succeeded? How do you enforce No Contact?

Wow, this is long. This is a manifesto. Sorry!

May 2, 2011

Are you working? Do you have the money to leave? If yes do it!!!! If not I'm

sure we will have other ideas. It will be criltical to keep your info

secret. Perhaps a battered women's shelter could help. XOXO and welcome

On Mon, May 2, 2011 at 2:12 AM, permanent_transient <

permanent_transient@...> wrote:

>

> Hi, everyone. I'm new.

>

> My mother and sister have BPD. My father... I have no idea. I read A Wolf

> At The Table this year. Something clicked.

>

> I'm laughing because the Oz metaphor is perfect. I've been using that

> imagery for the past seven years without knowing anything about borderline

> personality disorder.

>

> I'm at one of those moments of instant, complete understanding. My family

> is starting to make sense. I wish I knew about this group years ago.

>

> This may be the longest introduction the group has ever seen. I apologize

> in advance. I'm trying to convince myself that my family -is- dysfunctional

> and that I am not a horrible person for wanting to sever ties with everyone.

>

> My mother plays the Witch and the Waif. Before I knew about BPD, I

> described my mother as sociopathic. I seem to be the only one in the family

> who can see that her rages are controlled and her suicide threats are not

> true suicide threats.

>

> My sister shows the same manipulative behavior patterns as my mother.

>

> My father is violent. I describe him as having the emotional maturity of a

> three-year-old. He'll go into a rage, my parents will fight, and then my

> mother will leave a suicide note on the table and lock herself in her

> bedroom. When they aren't on speaking terms, my father is the villain. When

> they are on speaking terms, they gang up on me.

>

> Where is my mother when my father is attacking me? " What do you expect me

> to do? He won't listen to me. "

>

> I remember riding in the back of the car with my brother as a little kid.

> My mother was screaming " I'm going to crash this car into a telephone pole! "

>

> I remember being scared to bring my friends home because of my mother's

> outbursts. My mother didn't care if my friends saw everything. I remember

> bringing my best friend home and getting backhanded across the kitchen

> floor. My mother was SMILING. " Do you want me to pour this kettle of boiling

> water on your head? "

>

> As a teenager, I nicknamed her " Bathory " . " Mom " and " Mother " both

> feel invasive. I never called my father " Dad " . We kids referred to him as

> " Him " . Not Dad. " Him. " He's a nightmare.

>

> Right now, I'm 24. I'm trying to get away from these people permanently.

> I'm failing because I am not in good health right now. They're exploiting

> that.

>

> I saw university as a way out. When I moved, my mother had to stay in

> control. She or my father would actually drive to my university city and

> visit my apartment uninvited. They made copies of my house keys to let

> themselves in. My mother kept calling the University Health Centre. She was

> FURIOUS because they wouldn't give her my health information.

>

> She started telling me how much she loves my university city and how she

> and That Man are thinking about moving there.

>

> She tells everyone who will listen that I have " mental health problems " .

> " You're crazy. You're nuts. You're just nuts. Oh you're so stupid. " I'm not

> sure what exactly she thinks I have. She cannot think rationally enough to

> make up a list of conditions that do not exclude each other by definition.

> Her story changes every time she sees a new episode of Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil.

>

> When I refused to take phone calls last summer, she called the university

> health centre, who sent the police to my apartment to investigate a claim

> that I am " suicidal " .

>

> I had to explain to the police that I was not suicidal or about to harm

> myself, suicide gestures are my mother's thing, not mine, and that my mother

> pulls this kind of stunt all the time. I've broken leases to try to get away

> from that woman.

>

> I'm afraid to drive. Someone in my family anonymously called the Ministry

> of Transportation in hopes of getting my license revoked. It didn't happen,

> but a doctor on campus had to do a full examination and fill out a lengthy

> report. I later found out that my father found this hilarious. Apparently,

> he tried this before. Years ago, he anonymously reported my sister to the

> Ministry of Transportation, and my sister anonymously reported him.

>

> They've called the local police on me so many times that the officers

> recognize me immediately. If I " threaten " to leave the house and " upset my

> mother " , which is obviously my real motive for wanting to LEAVE, they

> confiscate my belongings and call the police. My father disabled my car and

> confiscated my car keys, car ownership, and car insurance on different

> occasions. I recently found a pile of my medical documents and receipts from

> previous landlords in his bedroom.

>

> Every time I say anything about how I find this wrong, my mother descends

> on me. " Mind your own business " makes her furious. Is that verbally abusive?

> She claims it's verbal abuse. " How dare you say that to YOUR OWN MOTHER. "

> " You don't appreciate everything I've done for you. "

>

> For the last two years on Christmas, and this year at Easter, my mother

> tried to OD on sleeping pills. Every time this happens, I call the

> paramedics. This makes both of my parents furious. The ambulance at the

> front door is embarrassing to them. I don't get it. If it's so embarrassing,

> then, um... stop leaving suicide notes? It's either " I love you, take care

> of the cats " or " My death will be on your heads. "

>

> Flashbacks to me at fourteen, winter, leaving school early to go hunting

> for my mother after she informed my father that she is going to jump off a

> bridge.

>

> When the police arrive, my father manages to convince them that I am wrong

> and bad for interfering because my mother " doesn't really mean it " . The

> police seem to automatically believe anything my father says. My father is a

> good actor. I'm enraged and upset, and he's perfectly calm. The moment the

> police leave, the calm facade disappears and he CHARGES at me, screaming.

>

> My therapist told me that " One of these days your mother IS going to kill

> herself. Even then, it won't be your fault. "

>

> I don't know if that's true. I don't care. I want to get out. I want to

> move away and not have to worry about my parents calling my school or my

> landlord, emailing me, tracking me on the internet, or -- like my sister --

> hiring a private detective to find out what I'm doing. I want to live

> without constantly worrying about whether my personal documents are going to

> disappear into my father's bedroom, or whether my father is going to disable

> my car again or get a hold of my medical records and complain about me to

> our relatives, or send the local police to my apartment door.

>

> Or without getting half-literate emails from my father complaining that

> " Mum is very sick " and that I am making it worse.

>

> I have real health problems. On the other hand, my mother is always sick

> with something or dying from something. If she has a headache, it's probably

> a brain tumor. I'm sifting through notes on my computer to see what else she

> has claimed to be suffering from. Cancer. Rheumatoid arthritis. This week,

> she has a dislocated finger and gout. She is in SO MUCH PAIN.

>

> So am I, but I generally don't mention it around her. If I'm in pain, she's

> in worse pain. If I haven't slept in 48 hours, she hasn't slept either AND

> she's " STILL WORKING LIKE A PICKANINNY. " She is only kind to me when I'm

> sick. Which is disturbing. I don't want that kind of attention. I DO want

> people to recognize that my mother is manipulative. It's probably a lost

> cause.

>

> She walks around the kitchen speaking about herself in the third person.

> " Poor old [Liz]. None of her children appreciate her. "

>

> I want her out of my life.

>

> I don't know how to accomplish this. I've asked the police if I could file

> a restraining order. " Is your mother threatening violence? " " No, but my

> father COULD be violent... " " Did your father threaten to physically harm

> you? " " Not recently. He doesn't THREATEN. " So I can't get a restraining

> order.

>

> I feel as if I'm being stalked. I don't care about my property anymore, but

> I do care about the fact that they contact the police, my school, and my

> landlords EVERYWHERE I GO. And they always turn me into some kind of

> manipulator. EVERY TIME, my mother gets away with her stories. Even when she

> is supposedly suicidal, she can have long conversations about how she is

> very upset with the family because we are unappreciative. " Your mother is a

> nice woman. "

>

> Here's a note to self from March: " My parents saw Augusten Burroughs. Now

> IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO LIVE IN A SHELTER. PACK A BAG AND GET OUT. TAKE YOUR

> [little] DOG TOO. "

>

> As I said, I'm intimately familiar with Wizard of Oz imagery. Now I know

> why.

>

> I'm reading about Flying Monkeys. I love this.

>

> I'm an adult. I can leave. I'm not a victim. But I can't keep those people

> away. Has anyone succeeded? How do you enforce No Contact?

>

> Wow, this is long. This is a manifesto. Sorry!

>

May 2, 2011

Welcome to the Group, PT.

I'm so sorry you are and have been enduring such an abusive home life, both your

parents sound very mentally ill.

My own opinion (to take or leave) is that you can benefit from getting yourself

a lawyer to be your paid, professional " big brother " who can protect you from

these people legally. In my opinion you are being stalked and harassed, and its

a legal issue and you need to " fight fire with fire. "

Also a good therapist who is familiar with treating the adult survivors of child

abuse or the adult survivors of mentally ill or alcoholic parents (the damage

inflicted is similar) would probably be a great benefit to you.

It truly is the worst case scenario to be an adult but physically living with

and/or financially dependent on abusive, personality-disordered parents, but I

think a therapist or counselor, and a lawyer can help you extricate yourself

from them and *make* them stay away from you.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi, everyone. I'm new.

>

> My mother and sister have BPD. My father... I have no idea. I read A Wolf At

The Table this year. Something clicked.

>

> I'm laughing because the Oz metaphor is perfect. I've been using that imagery

for the past seven years without knowing anything about borderline personality

disorder.

>

> I'm at one of those moments of instant, complete understanding. My family is

starting to make sense. I wish I knew about this group years ago.

>

> This may be the longest introduction the group has ever seen. I apologize in

advance. I'm trying to convince myself that my family -is- dysfunctional and

that I am not a horrible person for wanting to sever ties with everyone.

>

> My mother plays the Witch and the Waif. Before I knew about BPD, I described

my mother as sociopathic. I seem to be the only one in the family who can see

that her rages are controlled and her suicide threats are not true suicide

threats.

>

> My sister shows the same manipulative behavior patterns as my mother.

>

> My father is violent. I describe him as having the emotional maturity of a

three-year-old. He'll go into a rage, my parents will fight, and then my mother

will leave a suicide note on the table and lock herself in her bedroom. When

they aren't on speaking terms, my father is the villain. When they are on

speaking terms, they gang up on me.

>

> Where is my mother when my father is attacking me? " What do you expect me to

do? He won't listen to me. "

>

> I remember riding in the back of the car with my brother as a little kid. My

mother was screaming " I'm going to crash this car into a telephone pole! "

>

> I remember being scared to bring my friends home because of my mother's

outbursts. My mother didn't care if my friends saw everything. I remember

bringing my best friend home and getting backhanded across the kitchen floor.

My mother was SMILING. " Do you want me to pour this kettle of boiling water on

your head? "

>

> As a teenager, I nicknamed her " Bathory " . " Mom " and " Mother " both

feel invasive. I never called my father " Dad " . We kids referred to him as

" Him " . Not Dad. " Him. " He's a nightmare.

>

> Right now, I'm 24. I'm trying to get away from these people permanently. I'm

failing because I am not in good health right now. They're exploiting that.

>

> I saw university as a way out. When I moved, my mother had to stay in

control. She or my father would actually drive to my university city and visit

my apartment uninvited. They made copies of my house keys to let themselves in.

My mother kept calling the University Health Centre. She was FURIOUS because

they wouldn't give her my health information.

>

> She started telling me how much she loves my university city and how she and

That Man are thinking about moving there.

>

> She tells everyone who will listen that I have " mental health problems " .

" You're crazy. You're nuts. You're just nuts. Oh you're so stupid. " I'm not

sure what exactly she thinks I have. She cannot think rationally enough to make

up a list of conditions that do not exclude each other by definition. Her story

changes every time she sees a new episode of Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil.

>

> When I refused to take phone calls last summer, she called the university

health centre, who sent the police to my apartment to investigate a claim that I

am " suicidal " .

>

> I had to explain to the police that I was not suicidal or about to harm

myself, suicide gestures are my mother's thing, not mine, and that my mother

pulls this kind of stunt all the time. I've broken leases to try to get away

from that woman.

>

> I'm afraid to drive. Someone in my family anonymously called the Ministry of

Transportation in hopes of getting my license revoked. It didn't happen, but a

doctor on campus had to do a full examination and fill out a lengthy report. I

later found out that my father found this hilarious. Apparently, he tried this

before. Years ago, he anonymously reported my sister to the Ministry of

Transportation, and my sister anonymously reported him.

>

> They've called the local police on me so many times that the officers

recognize me immediately. If I " threaten " to leave the house and " upset my

mother " , which is obviously my real motive for wanting to LEAVE, they confiscate

my belongings and call the police. My father disabled my car and confiscated my

car keys, car ownership, and car insurance on different occasions. I recently

found a pile of my medical documents and receipts from previous landlords in his

bedroom.

>

> Every time I say anything about how I find this wrong, my mother descends on

me. " Mind your own business " makes her furious. Is that verbally abusive? She

claims it's verbal abuse. " How dare you say that to YOUR OWN MOTHER. " " You

don't appreciate everything I've done for you. "

>

> For the last two years on Christmas, and this year at Easter, my mother tried

to OD on sleeping pills. Every time this happens, I call the paramedics. This

makes both of my parents furious. The ambulance at the front door is

embarrassing to them. I don't get it. If it's so embarrassing, then, um...

stop leaving suicide notes? It's either " I love you, take care of the cats " or

" My death will be on your heads. "

>

> Flashbacks to me at fourteen, winter, leaving school early to go hunting for

my mother after she informed my father that she is going to jump off a bridge.

>

> When the police arrive, my father manages to convince them that I am wrong and

bad for interfering because my mother " doesn't really mean it " . The police seem

to automatically believe anything my father says. My father is a good actor.

I'm enraged and upset, and he's perfectly calm. The moment the police leave,

the calm facade disappears and he CHARGES at me, screaming.

>

> My therapist told me that " One of these days your mother IS going to kill

herself. Even then, it won't be your fault. "

>

> I don't know if that's true. I don't care. I want to get out. I want to

move away and not have to worry about my parents calling my school or my

landlord, emailing me, tracking me on the internet, or -- like my sister --

hiring a private detective to find out what I'm doing. I want to live without

constantly worrying about whether my personal documents are going to disappear

into my father's bedroom, or whether my father is going to disable my car again

or get a hold of my medical records and complain about me to our relatives, or

send the local police to my apartment door.

>

> Or without getting half-literate emails from my father complaining that " Mum

is very sick " and that I am making it worse.

>

> I have real health problems. On the other hand, my mother is always sick with

something or dying from something. If she has a headache, it's probably a brain

tumor. I'm sifting through notes on my computer to see what else she has

claimed to be suffering from. Cancer. Rheumatoid arthritis. This week, she

has a dislocated finger and gout. She is in SO MUCH PAIN.

>

> So am I, but I generally don't mention it around her. If I'm in pain, she's

in worse pain. If I haven't slept in 48 hours, she hasn't slept either AND

she's " STILL WORKING LIKE A PICKANINNY. " She is only kind to me when I'm sick.

Which is disturbing. I don't want that kind of attention. I DO want people to

recognize that my mother is manipulative. It's probably a lost cause.

>

> She walks around the kitchen speaking about herself in the third person.

" Poor old [Liz]. None of her children appreciate her. "

>

> I want her out of my life.

>

> I don't know how to accomplish this. I've asked the police if I could file a

restraining order. " Is your mother threatening violence? " " No, but my father

COULD be violent... " " Did your father threaten to physically harm you? " " Not

recently. He doesn't THREATEN. " So I can't get a restraining order.

>

> I feel as if I'm being stalked. I don't care about my property anymore, but I

do care about the fact that they contact the police, my school, and my landlords

EVERYWHERE I GO. And they always turn me into some kind of manipulator. EVERY

TIME, my mother gets away with her stories. Even when she is supposedly

suicidal, she can have long conversations about how she is very upset with the

family because we are unappreciative. " Your mother is a nice woman. "

>

> Here's a note to self from March: " My parents saw Augusten Burroughs. Now

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO LIVE IN A SHELTER. PACK A BAG AND GET OUT. TAKE YOUR

[little] DOG TOO. "

>

> As I said, I'm intimately familiar with Wizard of Oz imagery. Now I know why.

>

> I'm reading about Flying Monkeys. I love this.

>

> I'm an adult. I can leave. I'm not a victim. But I can't keep those people

away. Has anyone succeeded? How do you enforce No Contact?

>

> Wow, this is long. This is a manifesto. Sorry!

>

May 2, 2011

pt: Welcome...you sure stored up a lot there. I wish that I would have seen

things as clearly as you do when I was 24. Personally, my physical health is

number one for me...and you mentioned that you are sick. Here's hoping that you

can find a way to get yourself physically well, then perhaps the other things

will fall in to place. PS that sick mother thing was something I went through

too...her back pain, her food, too cold, too hot, too noisy,her,her,her...what

about you? You are the most important person right now, not your bpd nada.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, May 2, 2011 5:50:52 AM

Subject: Re: Trying to permanently escape