When your parent is NOT flying off hinges...

[Guest guest]

Dear All,

I know this is not a common occurrence for most of us, but I think it likely

happens sometimes to some of those who are still in touch with their (BPD)

parents - normalcy!

So my mother is still here at my house (leaving in 2 weeks since my lease will

be up and I will be moving), and she has been on good behavior 90+ percent of

the time since I last told her she had to leave (which was a few weeks ago). I

have finals right now and I told her that she will not be allowed to sabotage

me.

She has been supportive and mostly quite nice. She still says some terrible

things to me, but they are nothing compared to her usual repertoire, so I am

barely even registering it (which is sad in itself, that I am so desensitized

that her random insults don't phase me any more).

This is making me crave that healthy, loving, supportive relationship even more.

This desire to have a healthy, loving relationship with a mother is such an

instinctive thing. And I have missed it and wanted it for so much of my life

that every time there is a glimmer of hope (like right now), I don't know what

to do with myself.

I am trying to enjoy this time without pinning too many hopes for the future on

this. I love her and I wish she could have always been in my life in a healthy

and supportive way, but I don't want to get so tangled right now that I end up

totally shattered again when she flies off hinges (which is bound to happen,

isn't it?).

Just wondering if you have experienced similar episodes and how you have dealt

with them.

Arianna

[Guest guest]

Arianna, you are so wise for your years!

I personally think that " Criteria 2: A pattern of unstable and intense

interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of

idealization and devaluation " is one of the very hardest things for us KOs to

come to terms with.

It means that sometimes our mother acts like a real mother: kind, thoughtful,

empathetic, caring and emotionally supportive... and then *for no apparent

reason* she will turn into " nada " and be angry at us (enraged, even), or

insulting, rejecting, accusatory, manipulative, hostile, and even (in some

cases) appearing to actually enjoy seeing the pain in your face as she rips your

heart out.

There is nothing more compellingly addictive than " intermittent reinforcement " ;

its what causes gambling addiction. If *sometimes* you win, even if you lose

95% of the time, that mere 5% of " jackpot " hits keeps you hooked.

So regarding the rapid, unexpected flip-flops in a bpd mom's feelings and

demeanor: the negative behaviors are not just bewildering, they can be

frightening and even traumatizing to the bpd mother's child, whether that child

is a little one or an adult. Yet we stay " hooked " , hoping for that " jackpot "

of loving, kind, motherly behavior to come up.

As you pointed out, us KOs want so desperately for the " good mother " to be with

us that we actually " tune out " most of her less extreme negative, hostile

behaviors (we develop a kind of " immunity " to the chronic irritability, whining,

complaining, insults, etc.) and block ourselves from noticing that her unstable

perception (you're all-good, you're all-bad, all-good, all-bad) is indeed a

repetitive pattern of behavior. Sometimes its not a regularly-spaced pattern,

but it is repetitive.

Sister and I both used to get our hopes up and kind of lulled into a kind of

complacency, believing (again) that our mother was " better " when she treated us

more normally, but then mom would trigger into a rage at us (again) sooner or

later. (What was crazy-making for me is that half the time, I didn't even

understand WHY she was angry at me! " What did I DO!? " could have been my theme

song in those years.)

Sister kept up this hope and belief that our mom could get better longer than I

did, especially when mom actually began therapy.

I guess I am just more jaded and cynical than my Sister, but I didn't believe it

was genuine (on nada's part) when Sister reported that 6 months of therapy had

" cured " our nada and had resulted in nada behaving really kindly and nicely to

Sister for several months in a row! But sure enough it wasn't permanent and

nada had a complete rage-tantrum meltdown at Sister after this long spell of

good behavior, and my Sister's poor, sweet, loving little heart was torn out of

her chest, again.

Sister, after a couple of years of therapy herself, is now more realistic about

the whole thing. She accepts that our mother will have " good spells " and " bad

spells " , so she no longer is blindsided and crushed when nada acts out badly at

her. Now, Sister expects it to happen sooner or later. Sister has been able to

let go of the hope that our mother (who is elderly now) is *able* to truly

change, and this has allowed Sister to take our mother's bpd " outbreaks " less

personally.

So my advice is to take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time and

allow yourself to enjoy your mother's good spells of normal behavior when she

has them, and just expect that they will be followed by bad spells, and try not

to take it personally. (Sort of the way we think about the weather.) Bpd is a

genuine mental illness, and yet those who have it can't (or won't) believe that

there is anything really wrong with them. Its a genuine human tragedy,

personality disorder.

And best of luck on your finals!

-Annie

>

> Dear All,

>

> I know this is not a common occurrence for most of us, but I think it likely

happens sometimes to some of those who are still in touch with their (BPD)

parents - normalcy!

>

> So my mother is still here at my house (leaving in 2 weeks since my lease will

be up and I will be moving), and she has been on good behavior 90+ percent of

the time since I last told her she had to leave (which was a few weeks ago). I

have finals right now and I told her that she will not be allowed to sabotage

me.

>

> She has been supportive and mostly quite nice. She still says some terrible

things to me, but they are nothing compared to her usual repertoire, so I am

barely even registering it (which is sad in itself, that I am so desensitized

that her random insults don't phase me any more).

>

> This is making me crave that healthy, loving, supportive relationship even

more. This desire to have a healthy, loving relationship with a mother is such

an instinctive thing. And I have missed it and wanted it for so much of my life

that every time there is a glimmer of hope (like right now), I don't know what

to do with myself.

>

> I am trying to enjoy this time without pinning too many hopes for the future

on this. I love her and I wish she could have always been in my life in a

healthy and supportive way, but I don't want to get so tangled right now that I

end up totally shattered again when she flies off hinges (which is bound to

happen, isn't it?).

>

> Just wondering if you have experienced similar episodes and how you have dealt

with them.

>

> Arianna

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Arianna,

Yes, I have felt that way and still do, when my mother behaves " normally, " that

is supportive, uncritical, respectful of boundaries, happy for me.

I think I am growing in understanding that I've gotten all I can out of her in

terms of parental nourishing and comfort. She can't give me anything else.

My only role in her life now is to check on her, make sure she's ok, listen to

the complaint of the day, and that's it.

I think it's natural and normal for us to wish for that; who wouldn't crave that

kind of nurturing when glimpses of it from time to time, right?

Hugs,

Fiona

>

> Dear All,

>

> I know this is not a common occurrence for most of us, but I think it likely

happens sometimes to some of those who are still in touch with their (BPD)

parents - normalcy!

>

> So my mother is still here at my house (leaving in 2 weeks since my lease will

be up and I will be moving), and she has been on good behavior 90+ percent of

the time since I last told her she had to leave (which was a few weeks ago). I

have finals right now and I told her that she will not be allowed to sabotage

me.

>

> She has been supportive and mostly quite nice. She still says some terrible

things to me, but they are nothing compared to her usual repertoire, so I am

barely even registering it (which is sad in itself, that I am so desensitized

that her random insults don't phase me any more).

>

> This is making me crave that healthy, loving, supportive relationship even

more. This desire to have a healthy, loving relationship with a mother is such

an instinctive thing. And I have missed it and wanted it for so much of my life

that every time there is a glimmer of hope (like right now), I don't know what

to do with myself.

>

> I am trying to enjoy this time without pinning too many hopes for the future

on this. I love her and I wish she could have always been in my life in a

healthy and supportive way, but I don't want to get so tangled right now that I

end up totally shattered again when she flies off hinges (which is bound to

happen, isn't it?).

>

> Just wondering if you have experienced similar episodes and how you have dealt

with them.

>

> Arianna

>

[Guest guest]

" Desensitized " is a word for it, but " survival tactics " is another. We do what

we have to with what we have. And with a nada, it's not much.

In that regard, I think it's ok to take what positive we can when it's

happening. Is it going to last forever and turn into the mother-daughter

relationship we deserve? No, but I'll take what I can get. Again, survival.

I crave it too when mom is being somewhat " normal, " but I have to keep in the

back of my mind that this is temporary. It's sad in the moment, but it's easier

than being let down again in the future when she gets back to her BPD self. And

sorry to say, she always goes back to that self that's hard to work with.

Focus on you and good luck with your finals!

[Guest guest]

Oh Arianna, I can relate entirely.

Annie gave a great response.

I'm just letting you know I struggle with this same thing. I have had 3

pregnancy losses and my mom always comes swooping in to comfort and be the

doting loving mother. I start to hope that she has changed and am crushed when I

am the " horrible daughter " just weeks later.

Annie gave great perspective. Its takes a great deal of compartmentalization and

detachment, IMO, to be able to embrace the loving times yet standback from the

bad. I'm definitely not there yet.

Much love to you.

> >

> > Dear All,

> >

> > I know this is not a common occurrence for most of us, but I think it likely

happens sometimes to some of those who are still in touch with their (BPD)

parents - normalcy!

> >

> > So my mother is still here at my house (leaving in 2 weeks since my lease

will be up and I will be moving), and she has been on good behavior 90+ percent

of the time since I last told her she had to leave (which was a few weeks ago).

I have finals right now and I told her that she will not be allowed to sabotage

me.

> >

> > She has been supportive and mostly quite nice. She still says some terrible

things to me, but they are nothing compared to her usual repertoire, so I am

barely even registering it (which is sad in itself, that I am so desensitized

that her random insults don't phase me any more).

> >

> > This is making me crave that healthy, loving, supportive relationship even

more. This desire to have a healthy, loving relationship with a mother is such

an instinctive thing. And I have missed it and wanted it for so much of my life

that every time there is a glimmer of hope (like right now), I don't know what

to do with myself.

> >

> > I am trying to enjoy this time without pinning too many hopes for the future

on this. I love her and I wish she could have always been in my life in a

healthy and supportive way, but I don't want to get so tangled right now that I

end up totally shattered again when she flies off hinges (which is bound to

happen, isn't it?).

> >

> > Just wondering if you have experienced similar episodes and how you have

dealt with them.

> >

> > Arianna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear All,

Thank you for your very wise and supportive words. They are often a lifeline

(for which I can never thank any of you enough).

I am in the midst of exams and trying to stay above water. I am trying to enjoy

the peace and calm right now, and the kindness. I know a storm is brewing, a

volcano is bubbling, likely to erupt as soon as I finish my exams. I will not be

blindsided and I will simply try to remind myself to be grateful for these few

rare weeks of relative happiness.

Thank you all again. Knowing that I am not alone in this has been the greatest

gift I have received in life aside from my children.

What I realized today is that being able to give a name to my mother's condition

and finding this group are the two most significant factors that made it

possible for me to be in medical school (and almost half-way through it!) today.

This was a huge realization today and I am still reeling from its implications

(more on that later perhaps).

Infinite gratitude to all of you,

Arianna