The Non-BPD Parent

[Guest guest]

I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD has

consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live with

him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends have

commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How can

a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than my

BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

[Guest guest]

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> I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD has

> consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live

> with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends

> have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

> mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

> watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How

> can a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child

> suffer?

>

> Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than my

> BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

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Yes, I really do think I understand. BPD just brings damage and hurt with

it, negatively affecting every relationship within the family. My mom and

dad have been married for 50 years, and there has been consistent

frustration and turmoil. My non-BPD dad related to me as a surrogate wife,

since my own mom could not relate; a became a ³parentified² child at a very

young age, taking over family responsibilities. This indirect ³damage²

sometimes hurts me more than the direct damage done by nada. It helps me to

realize that Dad was coping the best he could, but the hurt is still there.

Whenever possible, I TRY to find a positive side to all of this, telling

myself I have become more empathetic to others because of this experience,

etc., but the hurt remains and damage has been done. I resolve NOT to carry

this on to my own children. The damage stops HERE.

[Guest guest]

My situation is similar to yours--my fada has BPD and my mom...is a dish-rag

mom. She goes along with what fada does, because as she says, it's her duty

to obey her husband. So she deludes herself into believing that fada is

doing much better, and passes this message along to the rest of us kids.

She used to stand up, a little bit, to him. Oh, they argued and argued, and

you know how arguing with a BPD goes. They twist it around so it makes it

look like you're the one who's wrong, and they're the victim. Of course, my

mom came from abusive parents herself, so she doesn't know what's actually

healthy, and she wasn't able to recognize what was going on.

She used to protect us in what little way she thought she could, by letting

us know when fada is in a " weird " mood, or in a bad mood, whether he's Dr

Jekyll or Mr Hyde. But then two things happened. For Mother's day one year,

fada bought my mom a book as a joke, " How To Change Your Husband. "

Basically, it says that the best way to change your husband is to change

yourself, and that's the " Christian " way of thinking. All the problems you

have with your husband, is actually you. And yes, my mom did read it, and

start telling me lessons from it for whenever I get married. (Needless to

say, I'm not following her lessons...) It basically broke down her last bit

of barrier against brainwashing. And then she started brainwashing the rest

of us.

Second, before the lessons of the book sunk in, I came home from either

university or work, and came in through the basement door (split level

house). My mom met me downstairs and whispered that fada was in a weird/rage

mood, to be careful, so as to protect me so I can start walking on eggshells

and tiptoeing around fada to keep the rage from going toward me. Guess what?

Fada was downstairs, and my mom didn't know it. He overheard it. And he

exploded at my mom, behind their bedroom door.

My mom was never the same after these two incidences. And yes, it hurt when

my mom became even more of an enabler for my fada. I used to think, " Oh, the

poor thing! she's the victim too! " but now I realize that she's actually an

enabler, and also guilty of the same crime of child abuse by association, by

enabling it. And now I'm kind of a sad/angry toward her. I guess betrayed

would be a good word, as you said. We used to trust her, confide in her, but

then she started relaying messages to fada so that we couldn't trust her

anymore, 'cause fada would then come and punish us.

Yes, I'm angry. But I should get back to work now.

You're not alone (((hugs)))

Holly

>

>

> I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD has

> consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live

> with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends

> have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

> mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

> watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How

> can a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child

> suffer?

>

> Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than

> my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I experienced that but in reverse.

Dad was a sweet guy, very loving and gentle and yet he was hands-off when it

came to the child-rearing portion of his marriage. He left all child-care

responsibilities and decisions to nada, and I can recall easily only two times

in my entire life that he ever stepped in and intervened when nada was

completely out of control and screaming at me and physically assaulting me.

When I was growing up I worshiped him as my hero, but in reality he was a very

distant hero on a distant hill who was very reluctant to ride over and engage

the dragon.

He wasn't violent himself and would leave the house when nada would attack him,

which happened fairly often. And he was never home during working hours when

Sister and I were preschoolers and nada would become enraged and unleash her

rage at us with screaming and physical abuse, so he really didn't see most of

it.

Nada was high-functioning and could store up her wrath and physical acting out

for when us kids were alone with her.

So over the last few years its become clearer to me that dad really had a big

part in how much abuse Sister and I received, because he was unwilling to step

in and make some hard rules about what mom was and was not allowed to do to us.

By being passive and non-confrontational, he enabled and even sanctioned her

abnormal, out-of-control abusive behavior. What else can a child possibly think

but that *she deserves the mistreatment* when her one of her parents is dishing

it out and the other just lets it happen?

It does seem to be a pattern of dysfunction that members here write of often:

dominant, controlling personality-disordered spouse marries weak, passive,

enabling spouse (who probably has a different but interlocking personality

disorder, like " dependent pd " .)

-Annie

>

> I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD has

consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live with

him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends have

commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How can

a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

>

> Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than my

BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I know how you feel. My dad is the non BPD parent, and I used to wonder

" why are you hiding out in the basement, and pretending not to hear what is

going on here? Save me, take me out of here. "

 

I also recently realized that I cant tell my dad anything, because in the last 2

or 3 years, he tells her when she starts to rage at him, just to get her off of

him and on to someone else. Thanks dad!

 

It leaves a residue of questions and pain, and anger.

 

SK

 

[Guest guest]

Yeah my dad always told us we shouldn't be treated like that, but somehow we

lived primarily with nada after a certain age, so he must have driven us home.

It was probably good to hear, that she's wrong and just abusive, but... so do

something???

> >

> > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD has

consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live with

him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends have

commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How can

a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> >

> > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than

my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm coparenting after divorce with a BPD. I joined this group because our son

is 14 and want to help him as much as I can.

As to the " so do something " comment, if the mother has BPD, it's incredibly hard

for the father to do anything. The courts almost always side with the mother,

especially the loving, doting mother-act that a high functional BPD can manage.

I know how hard it is for me to send my son to his father's house every other

weekend, but I might lose custody if I don't.

I can see how the non-BPD parent who stays in the marriage can lose their sense

of right and wrong. They, too, are just trying to survive and, until they

change the situation, are victims of the BPD. I think that they also learn some

of the BPD behaviors, like denial.

It sounds like newlife9871 is angry that her mother didn't protect her as a

child and still isn't protecting her. I can see why. My son gets angry at me,

but every attorney I've spoken to states that they don't believe I can get full

custody. High-functioning BPD is hard to prove in court. Consequently, all I

can do is try to minimize the damage to my son.

> > >

> > > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD

has consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live

with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends

have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How can

a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> > >

> > > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than

my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. Its like you are telling my exact

story. Like you lived in my home. I completely related to this topic and it

instantly turned on a light for me.

When you said:

By being passive and non-confrontational, he enabled and even sanctioned her

abnormal, out-of-control abusive behavior. What else can a child possibly think

but that *she deserves the mistreatment* when her one of her parents is dishing

it out and the other just lets it happen?

That resonated with me. My fada was completely passive and never did anything to

stop her. i can remember one time when he stepped in, but it was after the abuse

was done and over with. My nada would throw things at me, punch holes through

walls, grab my hair when I would literally run away from her, and he would just

sit there.

As an adult, I had a lot of regret. I thought " why didnt I rebel? why didnt I

just get tattoos at 16, get my nose pierced, where dark, ugly clothing and not

be the doll she wanted people to see? " No wonder I felt like I deserved it all

these years? When one parent is yelling and raging and telling me over and over

that no one loves me and no one will ever love you and youa re all alone in this

world, and how ugly and fat and disgusting I am? and there is my dad. Just

sitting there waiting for it to happen.

I am a history teacher (and history buff). The most interesting fact that I have

learned in my years in college and years teaching it, is that when General

Patton liberated the first concentration camp in World War II with the Russians,

he was appalled at how close it was to town and how many locals had family

members sent there. But most of all, he was shocked at how they did nothing. Not

one of them said or did anything when they smelled the burning flesh or saw the

ashes come down from the sky. So as a punishment, he made them bury all the

bodies, forced them to walk through the camp to see the dead, sent them to a

prision camp and charged them all with war crimes. To him, the silence was just

as bad as the crime itself.

AJ

> >

> > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD has

consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live with

him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends have

commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How can

a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> >

> > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than

my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, good for General Patton!! I never knew that, thanks for sharing that

interesting historical fact with me; I think that's a very admirable and

justified consequence he chose for those townsfolk.

I'm sorry you went through that kind of maltreatment from your nada as well, the

denigration and shame and hopelessness engendered in a child when her own mother

tells her " You are unlovable, you are unworthy of love " is devastating and can

even be life-trajectory altering.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD

has consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live

with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends

have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How can

a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> > >

> > > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her than

my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry for both of you. What a desperately sad situation, to be forced to

send your child to spend time with someone who hurts him. I'm not very

knowledgeable about legal issues, but I think I've read that when a child

reaches their teens, they get to have some kind of say-so about who they wish to

live with and whether or not they want visitation with one or the other parent?

Is this something you could ask your lawyer about? Just an option to consider;

if its even remotely possible that your son could legally have the right to say,

" I don't want to be around my father because he's abusive to me " then, maybe its

worth checking out.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though BPD

has consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to live

with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and friends

have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my father

mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him. She

watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How can

a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her

than my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I live in a very conservative, backward state in a very conservative, backward

county, in the deep South. The attorney said that it's unlikely for the judge

to believe that a teenage boy doesn't need his father's discipline. My ex,

while having scary rages, doesn't devolve into violence. He would lose his job

were he ever arrested for domestic violence, and that's too important to him.

Until/unless there is an out of control behavior I can prove, my son has to put

up with the alternating idolation/denigration, irrational rages, and neediness

of his father every other weekend. Most of his time is spent with me and I can

generally keep his father's anger directed toward me (he seems to have a

unidirectional targeting system for his anger), which takes some of the pressure

off of my son.

Here's my most recent " sin. " I'm a bad mother because I don't make my son (who

does his own laundry) separate the whites and the color clothes. My ex said

that not separating the whites and colors would lead to dingy whites, and no one

is going to hire someone who looks dirty so our son won't ever get a job and

would be living with me until he's 40, and is that what I want?! I stifled my

laughter (well, I mostly stifled it) and just said I wasn't discussing my

laundry habits. Which is not a stand I ever expected to have to take in life.

The real argument is that my ex is feeling like his son doesn't want anything to

do with him and he's scared of losing him. I know my ex loves our son, but no

14 year old can well tolerate the constant criticism and control. When the

teenager pulls away, his father clamps down on the control. I'm trying to help

my son find a way to stand up for himself without pushing his father into

violence, if it's possible.

But back to the original issue, I think that the non BPD parents who stay with

the BPD parents lose some of themselves if they aren't very careful. They begin

to buy in to the alternate reality of the BPD (i.e. dingy whites lead to a life

of unemployment) and to begin using some of the same mental tricks (denial,

blame, etc.) Once they give up control to the family BPD, it's awfully hard to

take that control back, even over something as important as protecting your

children. Denial and blaming are easier and the pathways are well-formed.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though

BPD has consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to

live with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and

friends have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my

father mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him.

She watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How

can a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> > > > >

> > > > > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by her

than my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

There really isn't anything that I know of that can help a minor child deal

successfully with an abusive, mentally ill, borderline pd parent who uses his

(or her) size, power and authority to intimidate the child and force obedience

out of fear.

Emotional abuse is still abuse, and it can be traumatizing to a child if they're

subjected to severe and/or chronic emotional abuse from a parent. Mistreatment

by a parent can cause rage to build up in the child, also, which is very

unhealthy emotionally. Unfortunately if your son tries to either ignore his

father or confront his father when he's being emotionally abusive, it's not

outside the realm of possibility (when borderline pd is present) for the

emotional abuse to escalate into physical abuse as well.

A minor child has absolutely no means, no power to influence whether a

borderline pd parent will trigger into a rage or not, its simply not reality to

think that anyone, let alone a child, can have any such control over someone

with bpd. Its like telling the mouse to just confront the cat, just stand up

for himself. A child naturally thinks that it IS his (or her) fault that his

parent gets so angry so often at him and screams and yells at him; it takes a

lot of therapy and tears and heartache for us adult children of bpd parents to

come to understand and accept that we did nothing to cause our parents to be

mentally ill and we didn't deserve the emotional abuse.

A person with borderline pd will trigger into a rage over nothing at all, or

over how he happens to be feeling about himself at the moment. Bpds are all

about projecting their own unwanted, negative thoughts and feelings onto other

people and blaming other people for their problems, and this seems intensely

focused on their children and their spouse: their most intimate relationships

are the ones most at risk for mistreatment by their bpd loved one.

Me personally, I don't think that those with bpd should be alone with children

AT ALL; even the high-functioning bpds who can control themselves in public feel

entitled to and justified in lashing out with rage against their loved ones

behind the privacy of closed doors. Its just unfair to leave someone who has no

ability to escape (a minor child) alone with someone who has little impulse

control, who sees the child as either all-good or all-bad, who is easily

triggered into rage, and who can even have transient breaks with reality under

stress.

If your son has a therapist that he trusts, hopefully your son will feel safe to

share his feelings about his relationship with his father and will be able to

(will feel that its safe to) tell the therapist about the emotional abuse, and

let the therapist know if and when any physical abuse occurs. If it does get to

a point where your ex begins acting out physically and hitting your son, then

the therapist can help you and your lawyer with getting the visitation

arrangements changed to either no visitation or supervised visitation only.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though

BPD has consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to

live with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and

friends have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my

father mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him.

She watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How

can a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by

her than my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If you can't get your son away from the BPD father, then at the very least, help

him to understand why his father behaves the way he does and how he can not take

it personally. His father's behavior is not about him. Get the son into therapy

so he can deal with his own feelings and build self-confidence and a strong

identity. Also, Annie got on me for forever to read Codependent No More, and I

encourage you to read it and share relevant coping mechanisms with your son.

This will help both of you have a " medium chill " relationship with the father

without letting his abusive behavior hurt you.

Best,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am so grateful to have a mother who does not have BPD even though

BPD has consumed my father. It's just so sad to see that she still decides to

live with him even though he completely disrespects her (other family and

friends have commented on this). What really hurts is that she can see how my

father mistreats me and do nothing about it. She never considered leaving him.

She watches me get hurt and pretends nothing happened, over and over again. How

can a mother love her child and not do anything when she sees her child suffer?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Has anyone had this experience? Sometimes I feel more betrayed by

her than my BPD father who is doing the more " direct " form of damage.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

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