Re: Considering LC - you all predicted it, you were right

[Guest guest]

I probably wouldn't start by saying you want a relationship - that might be

all she hears. And I would only meet with her in a public place. It will be

too easy for her to escalate the situation and drag it out if she is in your

home.

Otherwise, great work. XOXO My real name is your daughters

>

>

> So after yesterday's horrible phone call, my husband was livid. He and I

> both agreed its time to probably go LC with my mom and its painful to think

> about right here at Mother's Day. I don't even want to think about MD right

> now!!

>

> Anyway, whoever it was that said once I cut off email contact that she

> would lash out on the phone was right. I am amazed at how predictable BPDs

> are and about how RIGHT all of you have been about what her next behavior

> will be when I do this or that. Unbelievable.

>

> My husband and I are going to spend time in prayer and discussion about

> exactly what the right path is and the exact boundaries we will set but in

> the meantime I drafted a written letter of how I will go about it.

>

> I think it would be unwise to send this to her in a written format because

> she can send it wherever she will and that is power for her. But then a part

> of me doesn't want to speak to her on the phone for a long time. (Probably

> will have my husband on the phone with me because she doesn't insult me as

> much when he's around)

>

> Here it is - you all tell me what ya think. The reason I started it the way

> I did is her " soapbox " is that our relationship is broken and I am the only

> one that can fix it.

> At this time, she's been visiting weekly or every other week and calling

> once a week or more.

> Her current therapist seems to encourage her to blame everyone for her

> problems, I have heard it from her mouth with my own 2 ears. And my BPD mom

> thinks her therapist is awesome (of course).

> **********************************************************

>

> I desire a relationship with you very much. But the problem is that your

> constant blaming and accusations as well as your condescending manner

> towards me are a great source of strife and contention in my life. Your

> continual efforts to confront me with your accusations, blaming, and insults

> leave me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained and unable to be a

> good mother and wife.

>

> In order to give the best that I have to my first priority – Josh and

> – I have no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of

> contact I have with you and set boundaries for the contact that we do have.

>

> - I will only be available to talk to you by phone once every other week. I

> will not discuss or respond in any manner to emails or text messages.

> - Our family will be available to visit with you once every other month.

> - If you desire a visit, please call at least the day before and make plans

> on when is a good time for us to visit.

>

> - During phone calls and visits: I will not discuss with you, under any

> circumstances, joint counseling sessions nor will I engage in any

> discussions involving accusations, blaming, or arguing. If you attempt to

> accuse, blame, or argue with me or insult me, I will either end the

> conversation or ask you to leave my home.

>

> - I will let you know if I become uncomfortable with anything we are

> discussing at any point and that I do not wish to discuss it further. If you

> cannot respect that boundary, I will end the conversation immediately or ask

> you to leave my home.

>

> If you should decide to seek treatment for your problems from a qualified

> therapist who is interested in helping you work out your issues without

> blaming others, then it may become possible for us to have a more manageable

> relationship one day.

>

> Any written responses to this letter will go unopened into the trash.

>

> (end letter)

>

> TIA for your thoughts. This group has been great.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, good thought, you're right. That would be all she hears.

Nauseated thinking about seeing her in person. At least my husband would come

with me, she is not *as bad* when he's there.

>

> >

> >

> > So after yesterday's horrible phone call, my husband was livid. He and I

> > both agreed its time to probably go LC with my mom and its painful to think

> > about right here at Mother's Day. I don't even want to think about MD right

> > now!!

> >

> > Anyway, whoever it was that said once I cut off email contact that she

> > would lash out on the phone was right. I am amazed at how predictable BPDs

> > are and about how RIGHT all of you have been about what her next behavior

> > will be when I do this or that. Unbelievable.

> >

> > My husband and I are going to spend time in prayer and discussion about

> > exactly what the right path is and the exact boundaries we will set but in

> > the meantime I drafted a written letter of how I will go about it.

> >

> > I think it would be unwise to send this to her in a written format because

> > she can send it wherever she will and that is power for her. But then a part

> > of me doesn't want to speak to her on the phone for a long time. (Probably

> > will have my husband on the phone with me because she doesn't insult me as

> > much when he's around)

> >

> > Here it is - you all tell me what ya think. The reason I started it the way

> > I did is her " soapbox " is that our relationship is broken and I am the only

> > one that can fix it.

> > At this time, she's been visiting weekly or every other week and calling

> > once a week or more.

> > Her current therapist seems to encourage her to blame everyone for her

> > problems, I have heard it from her mouth with my own 2 ears. And my BPD mom

> > thinks her therapist is awesome (of course).

> > **********************************************************

> >

> > I desire a relationship with you very much. But the problem is that your

> > constant blaming and accusations as well as your condescending manner

> > towards me are a great source of strife and contention in my life. Your

> > continual efforts to confront me with your accusations, blaming, and insults

> > leave me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained and unable to be a

> > good mother and wife.

> >

> > In order to give the best that I have to my first priority – Josh and

> > – I have no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of

> > contact I have with you and set boundaries for the contact that we do have.

> >

> > - I will only be available to talk to you by phone once every other week. I

> > will not discuss or respond in any manner to emails or text messages.

> > - Our family will be available to visit with you once every other month.

> > - If you desire a visit, please call at least the day before and make plans

> > on when is a good time for us to visit.

> >

> > - During phone calls and visits: I will not discuss with you, under any

> > circumstances, joint counseling sessions nor will I engage in any

> > discussions involving accusations, blaming, or arguing. If you attempt to

> > accuse, blame, or argue with me or insult me, I will either end the

> > conversation or ask you to leave my home.

> >

> > - I will let you know if I become uncomfortable with anything we are

> > discussing at any point and that I do not wish to discuss it further. If you

> > cannot respect that boundary, I will end the conversation immediately or ask

> > you to leave my home.

> >

> > If you should decide to seek treatment for your problems from a qualified

> > therapist who is interested in helping you work out your issues without

> > blaming others, then it may become possible for us to have a more manageable

> > relationship one day.

> >

> > Any written responses to this letter will go unopened into the trash.

> >

> > (end letter)

> >

> > TIA for your thoughts. This group has been great.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would cut out the first paragraph entirely. Starting with

" In order to give the best that I have to my first priority – Josh and

– I have no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of contact I

have with you and set boundaries for the contact that we do have. "

that should be good enough to start.

I also would not add the " if " statements of the last paragraph. Just leave it as

" these are the rules of getting to see me " and that's it. If she does change her

ways one day, great. Then you can internally change your boundaries, but don't

let her know there is the option; she'll use it against you. " Oh, but you said

if I saw a therapist, blah, blah, blah... "

Good job!

[Guest guest]

I agree with the earlier posters.

The shorter the message, the better. You do not have to explain or justify your

reasons for going Low Contact with your mother to her. Besides, she will not

accept or agree with your reasons and will argue with you about it. She is not

capable of accepting responsibility for her negative, hostile behaviors and

feels justified in acting the way she does, so explaining to her why you're

going low contact is pointless and going low contact will be viewed by her as an

attack, so, just be aware of that as you proceed.

" Mom, I need to (xyz) from now on. So, I'll call you again on x date at x

time. "

If you are going to allow in-person contact, never have the visit in your own

home. Instead have the visit in a neutral location like a park, playground, a

mall, a friend's home, or as a last resort, her home.

Its much, much easier for *you* to leave quickly if you need to when she starts

acting out, than it is to get anyone to leave your home.

You don't want to be put in the position of leaving your own home to get away

from her, your home needs to be your safe place.

Always have a friend with you, or your husband. Never meet with her alone

again.

I hope you will find something that works for you, this isn't easy and it is

very heart-wrenching and stressful. Please keep telling yourself that you have

the right to protect yourself from abuse, no matter where its coming from. You

weren't put on this earth to be an emotional punching bag, and your children's

and your husband's needs and your own needs *should* come first.

If your mother were mentally healthy, she would encourage you to do what you

need to do to have a joyful, healthy life.

-Annie

>

> So after yesterday's horrible phone call, my husband was livid. He and I both

agreed its time to probably go LC with my mom and its painful to think about

right here at Mother's Day. I don't even want to think about MD right now!!

>

> Anyway, whoever it was that said once I cut off email contact that she would

lash out on the phone was right. I am amazed at how predictable BPDs are and

about how RIGHT all of you have been about what her next behavior will be when I

do this or that. Unbelievable.

>

> My husband and I are going to spend time in prayer and discussion about

exactly what the right path is and the exact boundaries we will set but in the

meantime I drafted a written letter of how I will go about it.

>

> I think it would be unwise to send this to her in a written format because she

can send it wherever she will and that is power for her. But then a part of me

doesn't want to speak to her on the phone for a long time. (Probably will have

my husband on the phone with me because she doesn't insult me as much when he's

around)

>

> Here it is - you all tell me what ya think. The reason I started it the way I

did is her " soapbox " is that our relationship is broken and I am the only one

that can fix it.

> At this time, she's been visiting weekly or every other week and calling once

a week or more.

> Her current therapist seems to encourage her to blame everyone for her

problems, I have heard it from her mouth with my own 2 ears. And my BPD mom

thinks her therapist is awesome (of course).

> **********************************************************

>

> I desire a relationship with you very much. But the problem is that your

constant blaming and accusations as well as your condescending manner towards me

are a great source of strife and contention in my life. Your continual efforts

to confront me with your accusations, blaming, and insults leave me emotionally,

mentally, and spiritually drained and unable to be a good mother and wife.

>

> In order to give the best that I have to my first priority � Josh and

� I have no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of contact

I have with you and set boundaries for the contact that we do have.

>

> - I will only be available to talk to you by phone once every other week. I

will not discuss or respond in any manner to emails or text messages.

> - Our family will be available to visit with you once every other month.

> - If you desire a visit, please call at least the day before and make plans on

when is a good time for us to visit.

>

> - During phone calls and visits: I will not discuss with you, under any

circumstances, joint counseling sessions nor will I engage in any discussions

involving accusations, blaming, or arguing. If you attempt to accuse, blame, or

argue with me or insult me, I will either end the conversation or ask you to

leave my home.

>

> - I will let you know if I become uncomfortable with anything we are

discussing at any point and that I do not wish to discuss it further. If you

cannot respect that boundary, I will end the conversation immediately or ask you

to leave my home.

>

> If you should decide to seek treatment for your problems from a qualified

therapist who is interested in helping you work out your issues without blaming

others, then it may become possible for us to have a more manageable

relationship one day.

>

> Any written responses to this letter will go unopened into the trash.

>

> (end letter)

>

>

> TIA for your thoughts. This group has been great.

>

[Guest guest]

How about this? (It's a little less blaming of her and so she might be able to

" get it " at bit better):

I desire a relationship with you very much. But the problem is that when we are

together, I feel like I am being blamed and accused unfairly. I am hurt by what

appears to be a condescending attitude. It appears you need to confront me with

accusations, blaming, and insults, and this leave me emotionally, mentally, and

spiritually drained and unable to be a good mother and wife.

I need to focus on my husband and children. You are important to me, but I have

no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of contact I have with you

and set boundaries for the contact that we do have.

I will only be available to talk to you by phone once every other week. I will

not discuss or respond in any manner to emails or text messages.

Our family will be available to visit with you once every other month.

If you desire a visit, please call at least the day before and make plans on

when is a good time for us to visit.

During phone calls and visits: I will not discuss with you, under any

circumstances, joint counseling sessions nor will I engage in any discussions

involving accusations, blaming, or arguing. If I feel accused, blamed or

insulted, I will either end the conversation or ask you to leave my home.

I will let you know if I become uncomfortable with anything we are discussing

at any point and that I do not wish to discuss it further. I will give you one

warning that a topic is off limits for us. If you cannot respect that boundary,

I will end the conversation immediately or ask you to leave my home.

I hope one day to have a closer, more manageable relationship with you.

Unfortunately, at this time in my life, this is all I can do. I know that you

are likely to feel like I am abandoning you or that I don't love you. However,

the truth is that, now that I am an adult, I need to focus on my husband and

children just as you did.

Any written responses to this letter will go unopened into the trash. This is

because I find we do not communicate well through written responses and I do not

want any further damage to our relationship.

>

> So after yesterday's horrible phone call, my husband was livid. He and I both

agreed its time to probably go LC with my mom and its painful to think about

right here at Mother's Day. I don't even want to think about MD right now!!

>

> Anyway, whoever it was that said once I cut off email contact that she would

lash out on the phone was right. I am amazed at how predictable BPDs are and

about how RIGHT all of you have been about what her next behavior will be when I

do this or that. Unbelievable.

>

> My husband and I are going to spend time in prayer and discussion about

exactly what the right path is and the exact boundaries we will set but in the

meantime I drafted a written letter of how I will go about it.

>

> I think it would be unwise to send this to her in a written format because she

can send it wherever she will and that is power for her. But then a part of me

doesn't want to speak to her on the phone for a long time. (Probably will have

my husband on the phone with me because she doesn't insult me as much when he's

around)

>

> Here it is - you all tell me what ya think. The reason I started it the way I

did is her " soapbox " is that our relationship is broken and I am the only one

that can fix it.

> At this time, she's been visiting weekly or every other week and calling once

a week or more.

> Her current therapist seems to encourage her to blame everyone for her

problems, I have heard it from her mouth with my own 2 ears. And my BPD mom

thinks her therapist is awesome (of course).

> **********************************************************

>

> I desire a relationship with you very much. But the problem is that your

constant blaming and accusations as well as your condescending manner towards me

are a great source of strife and contention in my life. Your continual efforts

to confront me with your accusations, blaming, and insults leave me emotionally,

mentally, and spiritually drained and unable to be a good mother and wife.

>

> In order to give the best that I have to my first priority – Josh and

– I have no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of contact I

have with you and set boundaries for the contact that we do have.

>

> - I will only be available to talk to you by phone once every other week. I

will not discuss or respond in any manner to emails or text messages.

> - Our family will be available to visit with you once every other month.

> - If you desire a visit, please call at least the day before and make plans on

when is a good time for us to visit.

>

> - During phone calls and visits: I will not discuss with you, under any

circumstances, joint counseling sessions nor will I engage in any discussions

involving accusations, blaming, or arguing. If you attempt to accuse, blame, or

argue with me or insult me, I will either end the conversation or ask you to

leave my home.

>

> - I will let you know if I become uncomfortable with anything we are

discussing at any point and that I do not wish to discuss it further. If you

cannot respect that boundary, I will end the conversation immediately or ask you

to leave my home.

>

> If you should decide to seek treatment for your problems from a qualified

therapist who is interested in helping you work out your issues without blaming

others, then it may become possible for us to have a more manageable

relationship one day.

>

> Any written responses to this letter will go unopened into the trash.

>

> (end letter)

>

>

> TIA for your thoughts. This group has been great.

>

[Guest guest]

Anne -

That was perfect. Thank you!

F

> >

> > So after yesterday's horrible phone call, my husband was livid. He and I

both agreed its time to probably go LC with my mom and its painful to think

about right here at Mother's Day. I don't even want to think about MD right

now!!

> >

> > Anyway, whoever it was that said once I cut off email contact that she would

lash out on the phone was right. I am amazed at how predictable BPDs are and

about how RIGHT all of you have been about what her next behavior will be when I

do this or that. Unbelievable.

> >

> > My husband and I are going to spend time in prayer and discussion about

exactly what the right path is and the exact boundaries we will set but in the

meantime I drafted a written letter of how I will go about it.

> >

> > I think it would be unwise to send this to her in a written format because

she can send it wherever she will and that is power for her. But then a part of

me doesn't want to speak to her on the phone for a long time. (Probably will

have my husband on the phone with me because she doesn't insult me as much when

he's around)

> >

> > Here it is - you all tell me what ya think. The reason I started it the way

I did is her " soapbox " is that our relationship is broken and I am the only one

that can fix it.

> > At this time, she's been visiting weekly or every other week and calling

once a week or more.

> > Her current therapist seems to encourage her to blame everyone for her

problems, I have heard it from her mouth with my own 2 ears. And my BPD mom

thinks her therapist is awesome (of course).

> > **********************************************************

> >

> > I desire a relationship with you very much. But the problem is that your

constant blaming and accusations as well as your condescending manner towards me

are a great source of strife and contention in my life. Your continual efforts

to confront me with your accusations, blaming, and insults leave me emotionally,

mentally, and spiritually drained and unable to be a good mother and wife.

> >

> > In order to give the best that I have to my first priority – Josh and

– I have no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of contact I

have with you and set boundaries for the contact that we do have.

> >

> > - I will only be available to talk to you by phone once every other week. I

will not discuss or respond in any manner to emails or text messages.

> > - Our family will be available to visit with you once every other month.

> > - If you desire a visit, please call at least the day before and make plans

on when is a good time for us to visit.

> >

> > - During phone calls and visits: I will not discuss with you, under any

circumstances, joint counseling sessions nor will I engage in any discussions

involving accusations, blaming, or arguing. If you attempt to accuse, blame, or

argue with me or insult me, I will either end the conversation or ask you to

leave my home.

> >

> > - I will let you know if I become uncomfortable with anything we are

discussing at any point and that I do not wish to discuss it further. If you

cannot respect that boundary, I will end the conversation immediately or ask you

to leave my home.

> >

> > If you should decide to seek treatment for your problems from a qualified

therapist who is interested in helping you work out your issues without blaming

others, then it may become possible for us to have a more manageable

relationship one day.

> >

> > Any written responses to this letter will go unopened into the trash.

> >

> > (end letter)

> >

> >

> > TIA for your thoughts. This group has been great.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am with the shorter is better, leave out the explanations and don't lead with

the " I want to have a relationship with you " stuff. There's a reason attorneys

tell their clients/witnesses to answer as briefly as possible - the more you

say, the more rope there is to hang ya. And BPDs need just the shortest of

threads. Explanations aren't received the same way as with normal people. My

parents see explanations as weakness/arguing points. And the I want to have a

relationship with you stuff...that really is all she'll hear for awhile. Of

course, I have never sent a letter - I have just quietly put my rules for

interaction into action without announcing it. That has worked extremely well

for me - but my parents also live far far away. I have noticed thatletters do

seem to have a way of coming back to bite people in the ass. You have to do what

you think is right, but a long letter exposing your whole game plan gives her a

lot of power. It kind of says she is really important and deserving of a lot of

time, energy and formal courtesy. Just my two cents.

> > >

> > > So after yesterday's horrible phone call, my husband was livid. He and I

both agreed its time to probably go LC with my mom and its painful to think

about right here at Mother's Day. I don't even want to think about MD right

now!!

> > >

> > > Anyway, whoever it was that said once I cut off email contact that she

would lash out on the phone was right. I am amazed at how predictable BPDs are

and about how RIGHT all of you have been about what her next behavior will be

when I do this or that. Unbelievable.

> > >

> > > My husband and I are going to spend time in prayer and discussion about

exactly what the right path is and the exact boundaries we will set but in the

meantime I drafted a written letter of how I will go about it.

> > >

> > > I think it would be unwise to send this to her in a written format because

she can send it wherever she will and that is power for her. But then a part of

me doesn't want to speak to her on the phone for a long time. (Probably will

have my husband on the phone with me because she doesn't insult me as much when

he's around)

> > >

> > > Here it is - you all tell me what ya think. The reason I started it the

way I did is her " soapbox " is that our relationship is broken and I am the only

one that can fix it.

> > > At this time, she's been visiting weekly or every other week and calling

once a week or more.

> > > Her current therapist seems to encourage her to blame everyone for her

problems, I have heard it from her mouth with my own 2 ears. And my BPD mom

thinks her therapist is awesome (of course).

> > > **********************************************************

> > >

> > > I desire a relationship with you very much. But the problem is that your

constant blaming and accusations as well as your condescending manner towards me

are a great source of strife and contention in my life. Your continual efforts

to confront me with your accusations, blaming, and insults leave me emotionally,

mentally, and spiritually drained and unable to be a good mother and wife.

> > >

> > > In order to give the best that I have to my first priority – Josh and

– I have no other choice at this time but to limit the amount of contact I

have with you and set boundaries for the contact that we do have.

> > >

> > > - I will only be available to talk to you by phone once every other week.

I will not discuss or respond in any manner to emails or text messages.

> > > - Our family will be available to visit with you once every other month.

> > > - If you desire a visit, please call at least the day before and make

plans on when is a good time for us to visit.

> > >

> > > - During phone calls and visits: I will not discuss with you, under any

circumstances, joint counseling sessions nor will I engage in any discussions

involving accusations, blaming, or arguing. If you attempt to accuse, blame, or

argue with me or insult me, I will either end the conversation or ask you to

leave my home.

> > >

> > > - I will let you know if I become uncomfortable with anything we are

discussing at any point and that I do not wish to discuss it further. If you

cannot respect that boundary, I will end the conversation immediately or ask you

to leave my home.

> > >

> > > If you should decide to seek treatment for your problems from a qualified

therapist who is interested in helping you work out your issues without blaming

others, then it may become possible for us to have a more manageable

relationship one day.

> > >

> > > Any written responses to this letter will go unopened into the trash.

> > >

> > > (end letter)

> > >

> > >

> > > TIA for your thoughts. This group has been great.

> > >

> >

>