Stood up by fada-how could I be so stupid?

[Guest guest]

I had fada request to meet for dinner last week. I got some great advice from

everyone here and was ready to put my " plan of action " : I was going to arrive

early, bring cash in case I needed to make a quick exit, set boundaries right

off ( " I wont tolerate any negativity about me or my husband or I will leave " )

and only will order a small meal. I was ready for the verbal bashing, but was

also ready to walk away if that ensued because I choose not to partake in it any

longer. 34 years of it was enough.

He wanted to meet me on Tuesday and said he would call me to arrange a place and

time. Tuesday came.... and Tuesday went..... He never called. He never texted.

My fada is a typically abused spouse. my nada completely isolate him from all of

his family and friends. He isnt allowed to even sleep in on weekends because

when my nada is awake, the whole house is awake. Even when he was commuting 45

minutes one way to work, taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon was unheard of. My

fada was demanded to wash the cars, go grocery shopping, clean the house, do the

laundry, etc. All while my nada sat down and did nothing. Anytime my fada would

call (after several times of nada calling and me not answering, she probably

commanded him to call instead) I can hear my nada in the background coaching him

on what to say. everything is always my fault. She takes responsibility for

nothing and is the eternal victim. I can hear my nada saying to fada " dont

call her! If she really loves you, she will call you. Dont call her first. "

Why did I get suckered into this? I am so naive. I feel like a teenager who was

stood up for the prom by the quarterback of the football team. While ina way Im

relieved because my FOG has been probably permanetely lifted, but still

completely embarrased. I feel stupid. How can my own parents think I am an

enemy?

AJ

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you got stood up; it hurts to get stood up no matter who is doing it

to you. Not even letting you know that he had to cancel was a thoughtless and

uncaring thing to do to someone he claims to love.

I'm guessing that your mother decided at the last minute that if your dad met

you for dinner that would be a betrayal of her, so he's not allowed to see you

without her along. He's basically under her thumb and he's not going to do

anything to rile her up; she could easily make his life even more of a living

hell than it already is.

But he could have at least have had the courtesy to call and cancel. That was

really rude.

In my opinion.

-Annie

>

> I had fada request to meet for dinner last week. I got some great advice from

everyone here and was ready to put my " plan of action " : I was going to arrive

early, bring cash in case I needed to make a quick exit, set boundaries right

off ( " I wont tolerate any negativity about me or my husband or I will leave " )

and only will order a small meal. I was ready for the verbal bashing, but was

also ready to walk away if that ensued because I choose not to partake in it any

longer. 34 years of it was enough.

>

> He wanted to meet me on Tuesday and said he would call me to arrange a place

and time. Tuesday came.... and Tuesday went..... He never called. He never

texted. My fada is a typically abused spouse. my nada completely isolate him

from all of his family and friends. He isnt allowed to even sleep in on weekends

because when my nada is awake, the whole house is awake. Even when he was

commuting 45 minutes one way to work, taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon was

unheard of. My fada was demanded to wash the cars, go grocery shopping, clean

the house, do the laundry, etc. All while my nada sat down and did nothing.

Anytime my fada would call (after several times of nada calling and me not

answering, she probably commanded him to call instead) I can hear my nada in the

background coaching him on what to say. everything is always my fault. She takes

responsibility for nothing and is the eternal victim. I can hear my nada saying

to fada " dont call her! If she really loves you, she will call you. Dont call

her first. "

>

> Why did I get suckered into this? I am so naive. I feel like a teenager who

was stood up for the prom by the quarterback of the football team. While ina

way Im relieved because my FOG has been probably permanetely lifted, but still

completely embarrased. I feel stupid. How can my own parents think I am an

enemy?

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Of course you feel all those things - how people

who are supposed to love you the most can be so uncaring, rude, is unfathomable.

My dad (NPD) does this kind of thing all the time. I also felt embarrassed, let

down - and then I got pissed. Now I am just moderately annoyed when he does it

and sometimes pisses if it's something big - like canceling his plans to see the

family on a major holiday days before the big event and making an excuse that

was obviously a lie - but I guess I'm jaded now and have just come to expect it.

I feel slightly bad feeling/thinking that but not much. He's a turd. None of

us were winners at the parent gumball machine...

> >

> > I had fada request to meet for dinner last week. I got some great advice

from everyone here and was ready to put my " plan of action " : I was going to

arrive early, bring cash in case I needed to make a quick exit, set boundaries

right off ( " I wont tolerate any negativity about me or my husband or I will

leave " ) and only will order a small meal. I was ready for the verbal bashing,

but was also ready to walk away if that ensued because I choose not to partake

in it any longer. 34 years of it was enough.

> >

> > He wanted to meet me on Tuesday and said he would call me to arrange a place

and time. Tuesday came.... and Tuesday went..... He never called. He never

texted. My fada is a typically abused spouse. my nada completely isolate him

from all of his family and friends. He isnt allowed to even sleep in on weekends

because when my nada is awake, the whole house is awake. Even when he was

commuting 45 minutes one way to work, taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon was

unheard of. My fada was demanded to wash the cars, go grocery shopping, clean

the house, do the laundry, etc. All while my nada sat down and did nothing.

Anytime my fada would call (after several times of nada calling and me not

answering, she probably commanded him to call instead) I can hear my nada in the

background coaching him on what to say. everything is always my fault. She takes

responsibility for nothing and is the eternal victim. I can hear my nada saying

to fada " dont call her! If she really loves you, she will call you. Dont call

her first. "

> >

> > Why did I get suckered into this? I am so naive. I feel like a teenager who

was stood up for the prom by the quarterback of the football team. While ina

way Im relieved because my FOG has been probably permanetely lifted, but still

completely embarrased. I feel stupid. How can my own parents think I am an

enemy?

> >

> > AJ

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have a question about how others would respond to this inappropriate behavior

if it were a friend, and not a parent. For example, my father did a very similar

thing when I took a trip to a city far from home (at no small expense) and we

were supposed to meet for lunch. My father, I believe is a narcissist (why he

married my bpd nada), very successful, highly educated man but don't think he

would ever seek therapy. Anyway, we were supposed to meet for lunch...and

instead he spent the time with his girlfriend, who he happened to live with and

see every day, and who happened to be with him on this vacation - the issue of

introducing other competing women is a whole other issue - No explanation, not

nothing. Then meeting later...it's as if nothing happened at all. I said

nothing. After reading Adrienne's note below I thought, if that were a friend I

would call and say...what's the story? Are you trying to insult me? Why is is

that you didn't show up when you said you would. But, at the same time, I

completely understand why nothing was said, because I did it myself. Or...was

something said?

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, May 4, 2011 11:44:15 AM

Subject: Re: Stood up by fada-how could I be so stupid?

I'm sorry you got stood up; it hurts to get stood up no matter who is doing it

to you. Not even letting you know that he had to cancel was a thoughtless and

uncaring thing to do to someone he claims to love.

I'm guessing that your mother decided at the last minute that if your dad met

you for dinner that would be a betrayal of her, so he's not allowed to see you

without her along. He's basically under her thumb and he's not going to do

anything to rile her up; she could easily make his life even more of a living

hell than it already is.

But he could have at least have had the courtesy to call and cancel. That was

really rude.

In my opinion.

-Annie

>

> I had fada request to meet for dinner last week. I got some great advice from

>everyone here and was ready to put my " plan of action " : I was going to arrive

>early, bring cash in case I needed to make a quick exit, set boundaries right

>off ( " I wont tolerate any negativity about me or my husband or I will leave " )

>and only will order a small meal. I was ready for the verbal bashing, but was

>also ready to walk away if that ensued because I choose not to partake in it

any

>longer. 34 years of it was enough.

>

>

> He wanted to meet me on Tuesday and said he would call me to arrange a place

>and time. Tuesday came.... and Tuesday went..... He never called. He never

>texted. My fada is a typically abused spouse. my nada completely isolate him

>from all of his family and friends. He isnt allowed to even sleep in on

weekends

>because when my nada is awake, the whole house is awake. Even when he was

>commuting 45 minutes one way to work, taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon was

>unheard of. My fada was demanded to wash the cars, go grocery shopping, clean

>the house, do the laundry, etc. All while my nada sat down and did nothing.

>Anytime my fada would call (after several times of nada calling and me not

>answering, she probably commanded him to call instead) I can hear my nada in

the

>background coaching him on what to say. everything is always my fault. She

takes

>responsibility for nothing and is the eternal victim. I can hear my nada

saying

>to fada " dont call her! If she really loves you, she will call you. Dont call

>her first. "

>

>

> Why did I get suckered into this? I am so naive. I feel like a teenager who

was

>stood up for the prom by the quarterback of the football team. While ina way

Im

>relieved because my FOG has been probably permanetely lifted, but still

>completely embarrased. I feel stupid. How can my own parents think I am an

>enemy?

>

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

I feel really lucky that the people I have in my life now are truly lovely

people: my Sister and the friends I've made over the last decade or so. If one

of them didn't show up for a lunch date or movie date, I'd be worried sick that

something bad had happened to them because they're the kind of people who would

call me and let me know that they're running late or had to cancel.

But if someone that I don't know that well, say, a new friend, did stand me up,

I'd phone them and ask, " Hey, where are you? Are you OK? Is anything the

matter? " or maybe " Hey, its me. Say, did you forget that we're meeting for

lunch today? I'm here at the restaurant waiting for you. "

In other words, I'd be concerned and ask directly what had happened.

Everyone can have a bad day, forget an appointment, or have a minor emergency

like a car breakdown; crap happens sometimes.

But when it seems to be a *pattern* of behavior, if it happens two or three

times in a row, or every third time or something frequent or repetitive, then,

that person is either very, very disorganized, very, very stressed and

overwhelmed (and feels that they cannot ever just say " No thanks, maybe some

other time " ), possibly unintelligent, OR they just don't care much about

blowing you off; they don't really care about your feelings and they're taking

you for granted. In other words they're narcissistic, which means that their

wishes and feelings always come first. Take your pick.

But me, I always ask why. And if someone frequently cancelled on me or even

just rudely didn't show up, then I'd lose interest in making the effort to stay

in touch with such an individual, myself.

-Annie

> >

> > I had fada request to meet for dinner last week. I got some great advice

from

> >everyone here and was ready to put my " plan of action " : I was going to arrive

> >early, bring cash in case I needed to make a quick exit, set boundaries right

> >off ( " I wont tolerate any negativity about me or my husband or I will leave " )

> >and only will order a small meal. I was ready for the verbal bashing, but was

> >also ready to walk away if that ensued because I choose not to partake in it

any

> >longer. 34 years of it was enough.

> >

> >

> > He wanted to meet me on Tuesday and said he would call me to arrange a place

> >and time. Tuesday came.... and Tuesday went..... He never called. He never

> >texted. My fada is a typically abused spouse. my nada completely isolate him

> >from all of his family and friends. He isnt allowed to even sleep in on

weekends

> >because when my nada is awake, the whole house is awake. Even when he was

> >commuting 45 minutes one way to work, taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon

was

> >unheard of. My fada was demanded to wash the cars, go grocery shopping, clean

> >the house, do the laundry, etc. All while my nada sat down and did nothing.

> >Anytime my fada would call (after several times of nada calling and me not

> >answering, she probably commanded him to call instead) I can hear my nada in

the

> >background coaching him on what to say. everything is always my fault. She

takes

> >responsibility for nothing and is the eternal victim. I can hear my nada

saying

> >to fada " dont call her! If she really loves you, she will call you. Dont

call

> >her first. "

> >

> >

> > Why did I get suckered into this? I am so naive. I feel like a teenager who

was

> >stood up for the prom by the quarterback of the football team. While ina way

Im

> >relieved because my FOG has been probably permanetely lifted, but still

> >completely embarrased. I feel stupid. How can my own parents think I am an

> >enemy?

> >

> >

> > AJ

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is a very good question because I raised this myself when my fada stood me

up. What do I say to him? Do I call and ask what happened? Do I call and say

" How could you?! "

What is the appropriate response? Do I let him off the hook and just reschedule?

Im pretty sure my nada got to him and ordered him not to call me first. Do I ask

him? (even though he will deny it because he is protecting her)

Very good question.

my mother in law makes mistakes all the time, but she usually doesnt do the same

one twice. And she ALWAYS apolgizes for it. I am grateful to her because she is

my barometer of normal. Annie is completely correct! patterns of behavoir are

what bother me. Mistakes happen, but when its the same one over and over again,

that is why I need to move on.

AJ

> > >

> > > I had fada request to meet for dinner last week. I got some great advice

from

> > >everyone here and was ready to put my " plan of action " : I was going to

arrive

> > >early, bring cash in case I needed to make a quick exit, set boundaries

right

> > >off ( " I wont tolerate any negativity about me or my husband or I will

leave " )

> > >and only will order a small meal. I was ready for the verbal bashing, but

was

> > >also ready to walk away if that ensued because I choose not to partake in

it any

> > >longer. 34 years of it was enough.

> > >

> > >

> > > He wanted to meet me on Tuesday and said he would call me to arrange a

place

> > >and time. Tuesday came.... and Tuesday went..... He never called. He never

> > >texted. My fada is a typically abused spouse. my nada completely isolate

him

> > >from all of his family and friends. He isnt allowed to even sleep in on

weekends

> > >because when my nada is awake, the whole house is awake. Even when he was

> > >commuting 45 minutes one way to work, taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon

was

> > >unheard of. My fada was demanded to wash the cars, go grocery shopping,

clean

> > >the house, do the laundry, etc. All while my nada sat down and did nothing.

> > >Anytime my fada would call (after several times of nada calling and me not

> > >answering, she probably commanded him to call instead) I can hear my nada

in the

> > >background coaching him on what to say. everything is always my fault. She

takes

> > >responsibility for nothing and is the eternal victim. I can hear my nada

saying

> > >to fada " dont call her! If she really loves you, she will call you. Dont

call

> > >her first. "

> > >

> > >

> > > Why did I get suckered into this? I am so naive. I feel like a teenager

who was

> > >stood up for the prom by the quarterback of the football team. While ina

way Im

> > >relieved because my FOG has been probably permanetely lifted, but still

> > >completely embarrased. I feel stupid. How can my own parents think I am an

> > >enemy?

> > >

> > >

> > > AJ

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >