Parenting after a BPD mother

[Guest guest]

My oldest son is 13. He's in a wheelchair because he has a condition called

Arthrogryposis. To save you the mental work, it's basically a congenital

disorder that affects his joints and muscles. He has normal intelligence, but

is pretty limited on what he can do physically. He can crawl on his knees and

minimally move is limbs. Anyway, he's had a lot of surgeries and has a feeding

tube, etc... He has always had a lot of fears surrounding weather and bugs and

loud noises. Presumably because he feels like he can't get away if he has to.

Today....Today.... I am a total loser parent. My son had a doctor appt. at 8:00

this morning. School starts (he's in 7th grade) at 8:40. He was bugging me the

entire time we were at the doctor (he's not sick..he was there so I could get

prescriptions for his feeding supplies because we got new insurance) to stay

home all day. When I say he was bugging me...understand it was something like

this:

Son: Can I stay home all day?

Me: Not today, honey. I have a lot errands today because I'm helping with the

ice cream luncheon tomorrow (at his school).

Son: But pppllllllllllllllllleeeease, I want to stay home. Why can't I stay

home?

Me: I already explained why. I have a lot to do today. You'll be bored anyway.

I have a meeting at 1 at the elementary school.

Son: Pppppplllllleeeease, Mama. I'll do anything....please, can I stay home?

Me: You have three more weeks of school and you'll be off all summer. You're

not sick and you have to go to school.

Okay, this went on ad nauseum for about an hour (stupid slow doctor).

We leave, he's still begging -- then he gets mad and the conversation turns more

mad from his end and he tells me " whatever...I don't even care, Mama...I just

don't care. " I don't say anything. Then he starts crying in between begging to

come home. I ask the universal questions about whether someone at school was

being mean to him or a teacher was or why exactly he didn't want to go today.

He said nobody was mean, but he was sick of the work. MMkay, not a good enough

answer....

We get to school and the front office lady gives him a slip to go to class late.

He SNATCHES it from her hand and drives away. She looked at me like, " What is

wrong with him? " I just volunteered what was wrong, " He's mad because he wanted

to stay home. " She smiled and said she understood.

I pick him up this afternoon and he's all smiles -- seemingly forgot about how

mad he was at me 6 hours before. As I am loading his wheelchair, I have the

electric doors and back of my van open. Well, a bee flies in the van while he's

strapped in his seat. Did I mention he's scared of bugs?

Holy Lord, you would have thought that we were in the midst of a swarm of wasps

by the reaction he had. Screaming AT me. For the record, the bee literaly flew

in and out the opposite window.

But -- his reaction. OMG...he couldn't even get the word bee out of his mouth.

He was kicked with much drama and flare and going,

" bababababababaababababeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! "

I started laughing. I mean, his reaction just struck me funny for some

reason....it was such an over reaction (or so it seemed) and what he was doing

totally made me (and my daughter, which ticked him off even more) laugh. One of

those laughs where you can't stop. The kind where your cheeks start hurting.

Which made it so much worse. And he starts screaming at me...'WHY ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT ME???? YOU UPSET ME THIS MORNING AND NOW THIS??? OMG!!!! WHAT'S

NEXT???? STOP LAUGHING!!! "

Then I felt like total sh** as a parent.

All the way home, I was apologizing for laughing while my 13 year old ignored

me. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to upset him more. He's fine now in the

event you're wondering, but I am sitting here beating myself up because I always

HATED it when I was a kid and did something and my mother laughed at me. And

honest to God, I was not laughing at him - or wasn't trying to. It was his

reaction that just struck me so funny. But I realize I have to be more

sensitive to how he feels and yet I feel like I have now permanently damaged his

self esteem or something. I mean, I am tearing up on the way home imagining him

sitting in therapy one day telling his therapist how I laughed at him.

Really...this is how bad I beat myself up as a parent and truly -- this is the

kind of thing I have the most trouble with when it comes to parenting. I love

my kids so much and I try so hard to overcome my past and do the opposite of

what was done to me and then I have a moment like this that probably wasn't like

what I experienced, but made me feel like this parent who has just done the

wrong thing and I beat myself up and will for along time. I ended up sending my

therapist an email for some reassurance that it's all okay. I have spent the

last hour making sure my son is okay and letting him know that I wasn't laughing

at him, but his reaction struck me funny and I'm sorry because I understand he

is really scared of bugs.

Have I just warped him or am I beating myself up for nothing????? This is the

worst part of having been raised by a borderline parent. I don't always know

when something happens and it's just a normal thing that is no big deal. My

therapist emailed me back and said he was fine, I'm fine, and I am not a sucky

parent. Ugh!!!!

I went in his room in the midst of this email and he is perfectly find. I said,

" I love you. " And he goes, " I love you too...now can you move? I'm trying to

watch TV. "

[Guest guest]

I understand why you feel bad, but I agree with your therapist that it is all

probably fine. Remember, unlike your nada, you only did this once. It's not an

ongoing thing where you're always laughing at him or something! If your mother

was anything like mine you have been laughed at ALL the time, and in a way that

was TEASING you and you could feel that's what it was. And if she apologized at

all it was a FAKE apology! If you were like my nada you'd probably be purposely

torturing him with bugs just so you could laugh at him when he was scared!

You were sincere in your apology, you didn't mean to do it, and you were not

trying to hurt his feelings. And he is obviously totally fine now. He sounds

like a normal 13yo for the most part. Don't beat yourself up!

Casey

>

>

> My oldest son is 13. He's in a wheelchair because he has a condition called

Arthrogryposis. To save you the mental work, it's basically a congenital

disorder that affects his joints and muscles. He has normal intelligence, but

is pretty limited on what he can do physically. He can crawl on his knees and

minimally move is limbs. Anyway, he's had a lot of surgeries and has a feeding

tube, etc... He has always had a lot of fears surrounding weather and bugs and

loud noises. Presumably because he feels like he can't get away if he has to.

>

> Today....Today.... I am a total loser parent. My son had a doctor appt. at

8:00 this morning. School starts (he's in 7th grade) at 8:40. He was bugging me

the entire time we were at the doctor (he's not sick..he was there so I could

get prescriptions for his feeding supplies because we got new insurance) to stay

home all day. When I say he was bugging me...understand it was something like

this:

>

> Son: Can I stay home all day?

> Me: Not today, honey. I have a lot errands today because I'm helping with

the ice cream luncheon tomorrow (at his school).

> Son: But pppllllllllllllllllleeeease, I want to stay home. Why can't I stay

home?

> Me: I already explained why. I have a lot to do today. You'll be bored

anyway. I have a meeting at 1 at the elementary school.

> Son: Pppppplllllleeeease, Mama. I'll do anything....please, can I stay home?

> Me: You have three more weeks of school and you'll be off all summer. You're

not sick and you have to go to school.

>

> Okay, this went on ad nauseum for about an hour (stupid slow doctor).

>

> We leave, he's still begging -- then he gets mad and the conversation turns

more mad from his end and he tells me " whatever...I don't even care, Mama...I

just don't care. " I don't say anything. Then he starts crying in between

begging to come home. I ask the universal questions about whether someone at

school was being mean to him or a teacher was or why exactly he didn't want to

go today. He said nobody was mean, but he was sick of the work. MMkay, not a

good enough answer....

>

> We get to school and the front office lady gives him a slip to go to class

late.

>

> He SNATCHES it from her hand and drives away. She looked at me like, " What is

wrong with him? " I just volunteered what was wrong, " He's mad because he wanted

to stay home. " She smiled and said she understood.

>

> I pick him up this afternoon and he's all smiles -- seemingly forgot about how

mad he was at me 6 hours before. As I am loading his wheelchair, I have the

electric doors and back of my van open. Well, a bee flies in the van while he's

strapped in his seat. Did I mention he's scared of bugs?

>

> Holy Lord, you would have thought that we were in the midst of a swarm of

wasps by the reaction he had. Screaming AT me. For the record, the bee

literaly flew in and out the opposite window.

>

> But -- his reaction. OMG...he couldn't even get the word bee out of his

mouth. He was kicked with much drama and flare and going,

" bababababababaababababeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! "

>

> I started laughing. I mean, his reaction just struck me funny for some

reason....it was such an over reaction (or so it seemed) and what he was doing

totally made me (and my daughter, which ticked him off even more) laugh. One of

those laughs where you can't stop. The kind where your cheeks start hurting.

>

> Which made it so much worse. And he starts screaming at me...'WHY ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT ME???? YOU UPSET ME THIS MORNING AND NOW THIS??? OMG!!!! WHAT'S

NEXT???? STOP LAUGHING!!! "

>

> Then I felt like total sh** as a parent.

>

> All the way home, I was apologizing for laughing while my 13 year old ignored

me. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to upset him more. He's fine now in the

event you're wondering, but I am sitting here beating myself up because I always

HATED it when I was a kid and did something and my mother laughed at me. And

honest to God, I was not laughing at him - or wasn't trying to. It was his

reaction that just struck me so funny. But I realize I have to be more

sensitive to how he feels and yet I feel like I have now permanently damaged his

self esteem or something. I mean, I am tearing up on the way home imagining him

sitting in therapy one day telling his therapist how I laughed at him.

>

> Really...this is how bad I beat myself up as a parent and truly -- this is the

kind of thing I have the most trouble with when it comes to parenting. I love

my kids so much and I try so hard to overcome my past and do the opposite of

what was done to me and then I have a moment like this that probably wasn't like

what I experienced, but made me feel like this parent who has just done the

wrong thing and I beat myself up and will for along time. I ended up sending my

therapist an email for some reassurance that it's all okay. I have spent the

last hour making sure my son is okay and letting him know that I wasn't laughing

at him, but his reaction struck me funny and I'm sorry because I understand he

is really scared of bugs.

>

> Have I just warped him or am I beating myself up for nothing????? This is the

worst part of having been raised by a borderline parent. I don't always know

when something happens and it's just a normal thing that is no big deal. My

therapist emailed me back and said he was fine, I'm fine, and I am not a sucky

parent. Ugh!!!!

>

> I went in his room in the midst of this email and he is perfectly find. I

said, " I love you. " And he goes, " I love you too...now can you move? I'm trying

to watch TV. "

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Hugs!

Oh, I too hear that self-deprecating voice of mine... the one that beats me up

whenever I feel like I have failed in some way as a parent.

Don't feel bad. You are human! From one parent of a similarly-aged boy to

another... this is a very tough age. Their hormones are very hard on them and

hard on us. They get moody (it's not just the girls, the boys are under

tremendous hormonal pressure too!), they get angry without fully understanding

why, etc, etc.

My failings in the emotional parenting department are hardest for me to stomach

and I tend to beat myself up because of those. One thing I find very helpful,

not just for me, but primarily for my kids, is giving them a full explanation.

For example, here is how I see your situation today. You had a stressful day - a

particularly stressful morning, because you had a child who was unhappy and yet

you could neither figure out the cause of his unhappiness nor alleviate it, and

then a busy rest of the morning/afternoon. When you came to pick up your son,

even if you didn't consciously reflect on this, you were likely apprehensive and

a bit worried. Had he had a good day? Would he be in a good mood or still

upset/unhappy? How would you deal with this? Was this something that you needed

to start worrying about in general (for the rest of the school year)? When you

found him in a good mood, your anxiety level dropped by a large amount. When we

experience a sudden reduction of stress (or a sudden increase in stress) we can

sometimes have a seemingly inappropriate response (like laughing uncontrollably

at something that is not really funny). It was a release for you.

If any of what I have written rings true to you, I would humbly suggest that it

may be a good idea for you to explain all of this openly to your son. I find

this works well with my kids. When I laugh, or cry, or occasionally raise my

voice, inappropriately, I always sit them down as soon as I can and explain to

them what happened (giving them a full picture of my thoughts and emotions and

possible reasons for why I reacted a certain way). It gives them a measure of

comfort to know that my actions were not directed at them, but were a reflection

of my emotional state. It also gives them insight into me and into human

reactions in general (which I hope helps them view/assess people in a more

nuanced way). It also gives them a clear signal that it is OK and safe for them

to have emotional responses to things.

This is very important to me because growing up I was never allowed to express

any emotions - the only appropriate state of being was " a good girl " . The

possibility that I could actually possess any emotions, other than unconditional

love and devotion for my parents, simply did not exist. Needless to say, my

parents' outbursts were not only NOT explained to me but were not even

acknowledged. I just had to pretend that nothing ever happened - fights

requiring police or neighbor intervention, tirades at me, drunken insanity,

screaming rages, throwing things, ridiculing me or embarrassing me in public or

in private, etc. etc. etc., and 15 minutes later it was as if I had just dreamed

it all up (except for the evidence of broken or damaged things, I would start

thinking I was crazy and living in some alternate universe). No acknowledgment,

no explanation, no apology, no reasons, no validation, nothing...

So making sure that my kids know my inner world and can open their inner worlds

to me feeling safe, unconditionally loved and respected is of paramount

importance. I tell them repeatedly that I am not perfect, and I apologize. It

sounds like you do the same things and value the same things - and that is as

close to unconditional love and devoted parenting as we can come in this

imperfect world.

Don't beat yourself up.

Hugs,

Arianna

(Sorry about typos, I can't go back to proofread... must study for exams!)

>

>

> My oldest son is 13. He's in a wheelchair because he has a condition called

Arthrogryposis. To save you the mental work, it's basically a congenital

disorder that affects his joints and muscles. He has normal intelligence, but

is pretty limited on what he can do physically. He can crawl on his knees and

minimally move is limbs. Anyway, he's had a lot of surgeries and has a feeding

tube, etc... He has always had a lot of fears surrounding weather and bugs and

loud noises. Presumably because he feels like he can't get away if he has to.

>

> Today....Today.... I am a total loser parent. My son had a doctor appt. at

8:00 this morning. School starts (he's in 7th grade) at 8:40. He was bugging me

the entire time we were at the doctor (he's not sick..he was there so I could

get prescriptions for his feeding supplies because we got new insurance) to stay

home all day. When I say he was bugging me...understand it was something like

this:

>

> Son: Can I stay home all day?

> Me: Not today, honey. I have a lot errands today because I'm helping with

the ice cream luncheon tomorrow (at his school).

> Son: But pppllllllllllllllllleeeease, I want to stay home. Why can't I stay

home?

> Me: I already explained why. I have a lot to do today. You'll be bored

anyway. I have a meeting at 1 at the elementary school.

> Son: Pppppplllllleeeease, Mama. I'll do anything....please, can I stay home?

> Me: You have three more weeks of school and you'll be off all summer. You're

not sick and you have to go to school.

>

> Okay, this went on ad nauseum for about an hour (stupid slow doctor).

>

> We leave, he's still begging -- then he gets mad and the conversation turns

more mad from his end and he tells me " whatever...I don't even care, Mama...I

just don't care. " I don't say anything. Then he starts crying in between

begging to come home. I ask the universal questions about whether someone at

school was being mean to him or a teacher was or why exactly he didn't want to

go today. He said nobody was mean, but he was sick of the work. MMkay, not a

good enough answer....

>

> We get to school and the front office lady gives him a slip to go to class

late.

>

> He SNATCHES it from her hand and drives away. She looked at me like, " What is

wrong with him? " I just volunteered what was wrong, " He's mad because he wanted

to stay home. " She smiled and said she understood.

>

> I pick him up this afternoon and he's all smiles -- seemingly forgot about how

mad he was at me 6 hours before. As I am loading his wheelchair, I have the

electric doors and back of my van open. Well, a bee flies in the van while he's

strapped in his seat. Did I mention he's scared of bugs?

>

> Holy Lord, you would have thought that we were in the midst of a swarm of

wasps by the reaction he had. Screaming AT me. For the record, the bee

literaly flew in and out the opposite window.

>

> But -- his reaction. OMG...he couldn't even get the word bee out of his

mouth. He was kicked with much drama and flare and going,

" bababababababaababababeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! "

>

> I started laughing. I mean, his reaction just struck me funny for some

reason....it was such an over reaction (or so it seemed) and what he was doing

totally made me (and my daughter, which ticked him off even more) laugh. One of

those laughs where you can't stop. The kind where your cheeks start hurting.

>

> Which made it so much worse. And he starts screaming at me...'WHY ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT ME???? YOU UPSET ME THIS MORNING AND NOW THIS??? OMG!!!! WHAT'S

NEXT???? STOP LAUGHING!!! "

>

> Then I felt like total sh** as a parent.

>

> All the way home, I was apologizing for laughing while my 13 year old ignored

me. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to upset him more. He's fine now in the

event you're wondering, but I am sitting here beating myself up because I always

HATED it when I was a kid and did something and my mother laughed at me. And

honest to God, I was not laughing at him - or wasn't trying to. It was his

reaction that just struck me so funny. But I realize I have to be more

sensitive to how he feels and yet I feel like I have now permanently damaged his

self esteem or something. I mean, I am tearing up on the way home imagining him

sitting in therapy one day telling his therapist how I laughed at him.

>

> Really...this is how bad I beat myself up as a parent and truly -- this is the

kind of thing I have the most trouble with when it comes to parenting. I love

my kids so much and I try so hard to overcome my past and do the opposite of

what was done to me and then I have a moment like this that probably wasn't like

what I experienced, but made me feel like this parent who has just done the

wrong thing and I beat myself up and will for along time. I ended up sending my

therapist an email for some reassurance that it's all okay. I have spent the

last hour making sure my son is okay and letting him know that I wasn't laughing

at him, but his reaction struck me funny and I'm sorry because I understand he

is really scared of bugs.

>

> Have I just warped him or am I beating myself up for nothing????? This is the

worst part of having been raised by a borderline parent. I don't always know

when something happens and it's just a normal thing that is no big deal. My

therapist emailed me back and said he was fine, I'm fine, and I am not a sucky

parent. Ugh!!!!

>

> I went in his room in the midst of this email and he is perfectly find. I

said, " I love you. " And he goes, " I love you too...now can you move? I'm trying

to watch TV. "

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

One more (hopefully quick) thing before I really have to get back to the books -

I feel exactly the same way about being a parent who has been parented by

someone with BPD. I sometimes have to check in with my friends who have had

" normal " parents/childhoods to see if something is appropriate or not. Almost

always, everyone tells me that I am TOO considerate, and I consider things that

they wouldn't even dream of thinking about (so they often joke that I make THEM

worry if they are bad parents because I am SOOOO careful and considerate...

thankfully they don't dwell and still humor me when I call them in one of my

neurotic " I think I have scarred my child for life because I didn't tell him I

appreciate him putting away the folded T-shirts before he went to bed! "

moments).

You are not alone! From the looks/sounds of it... at least one set of people can

benefit from BPD - our children. I have told my older son (when he told me how

he couldn't imagine growing up with my mom and how sorry he was about the tough

childhood I must have lived - and this was all based on his observations of my

mother, not anything I said) that in a way I am glad I had the life I had,

because it has made me a better parent for him and his brother.

Arianna

>

>

> My oldest son is 13. He's in a wheelchair because he has a condition called

Arthrogryposis. To save you the mental work, it's basically a congenital

disorder that affects his joints and muscles. He has normal intelligence, but

is pretty limited on what he can do physically. He can crawl on his knees and

minimally move is limbs. Anyway, he's had a lot of surgeries and has a feeding

tube, etc... He has always had a lot of fears surrounding weather and bugs and

loud noises. Presumably because he feels like he can't get away if he has to.

>

> Today....Today.... I am a total loser parent. My son had a doctor appt. at

8:00 this morning. School starts (he's in 7th grade) at 8:40. He was bugging me

the entire time we were at the doctor (he's not sick..he was there so I could

get prescriptions for his feeding supplies because we got new insurance) to stay

home all day. When I say he was bugging me...understand it was something like

this:

>

> Son: Can I stay home all day?

> Me: Not today, honey. I have a lot errands today because I'm helping with

the ice cream luncheon tomorrow (at his school).

> Son: But pppllllllllllllllllleeeease, I want to stay home. Why can't I stay

home?

> Me: I already explained why. I have a lot to do today. You'll be bored

anyway. I have a meeting at 1 at the elementary school.

> Son: Pppppplllllleeeease, Mama. I'll do anything....please, can I stay home?

> Me: You have three more weeks of school and you'll be off all summer. You're

not sick and you have to go to school.

>

> Okay, this went on ad nauseum for about an hour (stupid slow doctor).

>

> We leave, he's still begging -- then he gets mad and the conversation turns

more mad from his end and he tells me " whatever...I don't even care, Mama...I

just don't care. " I don't say anything. Then he starts crying in between

begging to come home. I ask the universal questions about whether someone at

school was being mean to him or a teacher was or why exactly he didn't want to

go today. He said nobody was mean, but he was sick of the work. MMkay, not a

good enough answer....

>

> We get to school and the front office lady gives him a slip to go to class

late.

>

> He SNATCHES it from her hand and drives away. She looked at me like, " What is

wrong with him? " I just volunteered what was wrong, " He's mad because he wanted

to stay home. " She smiled and said she understood.

>

> I pick him up this afternoon and he's all smiles -- seemingly forgot about how

mad he was at me 6 hours before. As I am loading his wheelchair, I have the

electric doors and back of my van open. Well, a bee flies in the van while he's

strapped in his seat. Did I mention he's scared of bugs?

>

> Holy Lord, you would have thought that we were in the midst of a swarm of

wasps by the reaction he had. Screaming AT me. For the record, the bee

literaly flew in and out the opposite window.

>

> But -- his reaction. OMG...he couldn't even get the word bee out of his

mouth. He was kicked with much drama and flare and going,

" bababababababaababababeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! "

>

> I started laughing. I mean, his reaction just struck me funny for some

reason....it was such an over reaction (or so it seemed) and what he was doing

totally made me (and my daughter, which ticked him off even more) laugh. One of

those laughs where you can't stop. The kind where your cheeks start hurting.

>

> Which made it so much worse. And he starts screaming at me...'WHY ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT ME???? YOU UPSET ME THIS MORNING AND NOW THIS??? OMG!!!! WHAT'S

NEXT???? STOP LAUGHING!!! "

>

> Then I felt like total sh** as a parent.

>

> All the way home, I was apologizing for laughing while my 13 year old ignored

me. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to upset him more. He's fine now in the

event you're wondering, but I am sitting here beating myself up because I always

HATED it when I was a kid and did something and my mother laughed at me. And

honest to God, I was not laughing at him - or wasn't trying to. It was his

reaction that just struck me so funny. But I realize I have to be more

sensitive to how he feels and yet I feel like I have now permanently damaged his

self esteem or something. I mean, I am tearing up on the way home imagining him

sitting in therapy one day telling his therapist how I laughed at him.

>

> Really...this is how bad I beat myself up as a parent and truly -- this is the

kind of thing I have the most trouble with when it comes to parenting. I love

my kids so much and I try so hard to overcome my past and do the opposite of

what was done to me and then I have a moment like this that probably wasn't like

what I experienced, but made me feel like this parent who has just done the

wrong thing and I beat myself up and will for along time. I ended up sending my

therapist an email for some reassurance that it's all okay. I have spent the

last hour making sure my son is okay and letting him know that I wasn't laughing

at him, but his reaction struck me funny and I'm sorry because I understand he

is really scared of bugs.

>

> Have I just warped him or am I beating myself up for nothing????? This is the

worst part of having been raised by a borderline parent. I don't always know

when something happens and it's just a normal thing that is no big deal. My

therapist emailed me back and said he was fine, I'm fine, and I am not a sucky

parent. Ugh!!!!

>

> I went in his room in the midst of this email and he is perfectly find. I

said, " I love you. " And he goes, " I love you too...now can you move? I'm trying

to watch TV. "

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

On 5/5/11 1:55 PM, " Hummingbird1298@... "

wrote:

> ,

>

> I can really relate to your description of parenting after a BPD mother. I

> also have been told that I have a tendency to be too understanding, too nice.

> . .

>

> My twin sons are twenty years old now, but when they were in high school I

> had to be careful that I wasn¹t overly sensitive to their moods, and overly

> responsive to their needs. I really think that on some level, I wanted to

> undo what had been done to me as a teenager (or rather, what hadn¹t been done

> to me). It was so important to me to be able to ³read² them, since I felt my

> own mother was oblivious to me. . .

>

> Even now, I remind my sons that they can always talk with me if they need to,

> and that I love them unconditionally. I support their college education

> wholeheartedly, asking them about their classes, exams, etc. It reminds me of

> the fact that when I was in college, my mom was primarily concerned that my

> studies took me away from what she wanted me to do for her. Although this is

> painful to remember, I somehow feel I am healing myself by validating my sons.

>

> As a high school guidance counselor, I look into the eyes of teenagers every

> day. My experiences with my BPD mother drive me to affirm them, support their

> educational goals, and listen to them. I feel like I have to create some

> positive from my negative childhood experience or it will be only meaningless

> and tragic.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> My oldest son is 13. He's in a wheelchair because he has a condition called

> Arthrogryposis. To save you the mental work, it's basically a congenital

> disorder that affects his joints and muscles. He has normal intelligence, but

> is pretty limited on what he can do physically. He can crawl on his knees and

> minimally move is limbs. Anyway, he's had a lot of surgeries and has a feeding

> tube, etc... He has always had a lot of fears surrounding weather and bugs and

> loud noises. Presumably because he feels like he can't get away if he has to.

>

> Today....Today.... I am a total loser parent. My son had a doctor appt. at

> 8:00 this morning. School starts (he's in 7th grade) at 8:40. He was bugging

> me the entire time we were at the doctor (he's not sick..he was there so I

> could get prescriptions for his feeding supplies because we got new insurance)

> to stay home all day. When I say he was bugging me...understand it was

> something like this:

>

> Son: Can I stay home all day?

> Me: Not today, honey. I have a lot errands today because I'm helping with

> the ice cream luncheon tomorrow (at his school).

> Son: But pppllllllllllllllllleeeease, I want to stay home. Why can't I stay

> home?

> Me: I already explained why. I have a lot to do today. You'll be bored

> anyway. I have a meeting at 1 at the elementary school.

> Son: Pppppplllllleeeease, Mama. I'll do anything....please, can I stay home?

> Me: You have three more weeks of school and you'll be off all summer. You're

> not sick and you have to go to school.

>

> Okay, this went on ad nauseum for about an hour (stupid slow doctor).

>

> We leave, he's still begging -- then he gets mad and the conversation turns

> more mad from his end and he tells me " whatever...I don't even care, Mama...I

> just don't care. " I don't say anything. Then he starts crying in between

> begging to come home. I ask the universal questions about whether someone at

> school was being mean to him or a teacher was or why exactly he didn't want to

> go today. He said nobody was mean, but he was sick of the work. MMkay, not a

> good enough answer....

>

> We get to school and the front office lady gives him a slip to go to class

> late.

>

> He SNATCHES it from her hand and drives away. She looked at me like, " What is

> wrong with him? " I just volunteered what was wrong, " He's mad because he

> wanted to stay home. " She smiled and said she understood.

>

> I pick him up this afternoon and he's all smiles -- seemingly forgot about how

> mad he was at me 6 hours before. As I am loading his wheelchair, I have the

> electric doors and back of my van open. Well, a bee flies in the van while

> he's strapped in his seat. Did I mention he's scared of bugs?

>

> Holy Lord, you would have thought that we were in the midst of a swarm of

> wasps by the reaction he had. Screaming AT me. For the record, the bee

> literaly flew in and out the opposite window.

>

> But -- his reaction. OMG...he couldn't even get the word bee out of his

> mouth. He was kicked with much drama and flare and going,

> " bababababababaababababeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! "

>

> I started laughing. I mean, his reaction just struck me funny for some

> reason....it was such an over reaction (or so it seemed) and what he was doing

> totally made me (and my daughter, which ticked him off even more) laugh. One

> of those laughs where you can't stop. The kind where your cheeks start

> hurting.

>

> Which made it so much worse. And he starts screaming at me...'WHY ARE YOU

> LAUGHING AT ME???? YOU UPSET ME THIS MORNING AND NOW THIS??? OMG!!!! WHAT'S

> NEXT???? STOP LAUGHING!!! "

>

> Then I felt like total sh** as a parent.

>

> All the way home, I was apologizing for laughing while my 13 year old ignored

> me. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to upset him more. He's fine now in

> the event you're wondering, but I am sitting here beating myself up because I

> always HATED it when I was a kid and did something and my mother laughed at

> me. And honest to God, I was not laughing at him - or wasn't trying to. It

> was his reaction that just struck me so funny. But I realize I have to be

> more sensitive to how he feels and yet I feel like I have now permanently

> damaged his self esteem or something. I mean, I am tearing up on the way home

> imagining him sitting in therapy one day telling his therapist how I laughed

> at him.

>

> Really...this is how bad I beat myself up as a parent and truly -- this is the

> kind of thing I have the most trouble with when it comes to parenting. I love

> my kids so much and I try so hard to overcome my past and do the opposite of

> what was done to me and then I have a moment like this that probably wasn't

> like what I experienced, but made me feel like this parent who has just done

> the wrong thing and I beat myself up and will for along time. I ended up

> sending my therapist an email for some reassurance that it's all okay. I have

> spent the last hour making sure my son is okay and letting him know that I

> wasn't laughing at him, but his reaction struck me funny and I'm sorry because

> I understand he is really scared of bugs.

>

> Have I just warped him or am I beating myself up for nothing????? This is the

> worst part of having been raised by a borderline parent. I don't always know

> when something happens and it's just a normal thing that is no big deal. My

> therapist emailed me back and said he was fine, I'm fine, and I am not a sucky

> parent. Ugh!!!!

>

> I went in his room in the midst of this email and he is perfectly find. I

> said, " I love you. " And he goes, " I love you too...now can you move? I'm

> trying to watch TV. "

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, wow. It's hard parenting a teenager. It's harder parenting a teenager

when you didn't have a good role model. I can only imagine how hard it would be

to parent a teenager with the challenges that yours has to face when you didn't

have a good parenting role model... Don't beat yourself up. You've got an

incredibly difficult job, and it sounds like you're doing an incredibly well --

you have a normal teenager.

Teenagers are, by nature, demanding, narcissistic, and emotionally unstable.

Read some books about parenting teens -- it'll give you a good idea of what the

normal teen is like. I know that between the time my son was 11 years old and

his 12th birthday, I apparently (to him, at least) became moronic and

overbearing.

My son, who insists on pants that are too big for him, has to hold his pants up

when he runs to keep them from falling off. The first time I noticed this, I

couldn't help but laugh. It infuriated my son. There's nothing they hate more

than ridicule. He stayed mad at me for most of a day. Fortunately, he doesn't

seem to be able to maintain his anger for much longer than that. This is

normal.

Your son's fears may be based in an inability to escape, but I've seen fears

like that in some foster kids I've worked with. For them, the fears were

representations of their fear of their out-of-control lives. Your son's fears

may lessen somewhat if he feels more in control -- although how you manage that,

I'm not certain. I suggest therapy, if you and your son aren't going already,

to help you get through the teenage years without beating yourself up.

Keep up the good work! Sounds like you're doing a great job so far.

>

>

> My oldest son is 13. He's in a wheelchair because he has a condition called

Arthrogryposis. To save you the mental work, it's basically a congenital

disorder that affects his joints and muscles. He has normal intelligence, but

is pretty limited on what he can do physically. He can crawl on his knees and

minimally move is limbs. Anyway, he's had a lot of surgeries and has a feeding

tube, etc... He has always had a lot of fears surrounding weather and bugs and

loud noises. Presumably because he feels like he can't get away if he has to.

>

> Today....Today.... I am a total loser parent. My son had a doctor appt. at

8:00 this morning. School starts (he's in 7th grade) at 8:40. He was bugging me

the entire time we were at the doctor (he's not sick..he was there so I could

get prescriptions for his feeding supplies because we got new insurance) to stay

home all day. When I say he was bugging me...understand it was something like

this:

>

> Son: Can I stay home all day?

> Me: Not today, honey. I have a lot errands today because I'm helping with

the ice cream luncheon tomorrow (at his school).

> Son: But pppllllllllllllllllleeeease, I want to stay home. Why can't I stay

home?

> Me: I already explained why. I have a lot to do today. You'll be bored

anyway. I have a meeting at 1 at the elementary school.

> Son: Pppppplllllleeeease, Mama. I'll do anything....please, can I stay home?

> Me: You have three more weeks of school and you'll be off all summer. You're

not sick and you have to go to school.

>

> Okay, this went on ad nauseum for about an hour (stupid slow doctor).

>

> We leave, he's still begging -- then he gets mad and the conversation turns

more mad from his end and he tells me " whatever...I don't even care, Mama...I

just don't care. " I don't say anything. Then he starts crying in between

begging to come home. I ask the universal questions about whether someone at

school was being mean to him or a teacher was or why exactly he didn't want to

go today. He said nobody was mean, but he was sick of the work. MMkay, not a

good enough answer....

>

> We get to school and the front office lady gives him a slip to go to class

late.

>

> He SNATCHES it from her hand and drives away. She looked at me like, " What is

wrong with him? " I just volunteered what was wrong, " He's mad because he wanted

to stay home. " She smiled and said she understood.

>

> I pick him up this afternoon and he's all smiles -- seemingly forgot about how

mad he was at me 6 hours before. As I am loading his wheelchair, I have the

electric doors and back of my van open. Well, a bee flies in the van while he's

strapped in his seat. Did I mention he's scared of bugs?

>

> Holy Lord, you would have thought that we were in the midst of a swarm of

wasps by the reaction he had. Screaming AT me. For the record, the bee

literaly flew in and out the opposite window.

>

> But -- his reaction. OMG...he couldn't even get the word bee out of his

mouth. He was kicked with much drama and flare and going,

" bababababababaababababeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! "

>

> I started laughing. I mean, his reaction just struck me funny for some

reason....it was such an over reaction (or so it seemed) and what he was doing

totally made me (and my daughter, which ticked him off even more) laugh. One of

those laughs where you can't stop. The kind where your cheeks start hurting.

>

> Which made it so much worse. And he starts screaming at me...'WHY ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT ME???? YOU UPSET ME THIS MORNING AND NOW THIS??? OMG!!!! WHAT'S

NEXT???? STOP LAUGHING!!! "

>

> Then I felt like total sh** as a parent.

>

> All the way home, I was apologizing for laughing while my 13 year old ignored

me. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to upset him more. He's fine now in the

event you're wondering, but I am sitting here beating myself up because I always

HATED it when I was a kid and did something and my mother laughed at me. And

honest to God, I was not laughing at him - or wasn't trying to. It was his

reaction that just struck me so funny. But I realize I have to be more

sensitive to how he feels and yet I feel like I have now permanently damaged his

self esteem or something. I mean, I am tearing up on the way home imagining him

sitting in therapy one day telling his therapist how I laughed at him.

>

> Really...this is how bad I beat myself up as a parent and truly -- this is the

kind of thing I have the most trouble with when it comes to parenting. I love

my kids so much and I try so hard to overcome my past and do the opposite of

what was done to me and then I have a moment like this that probably wasn't like

what I experienced, but made me feel like this parent who has just done the

wrong thing and I beat myself up and will for along time. I ended up sending my

therapist an email for some reassurance that it's all okay. I have spent the

last hour making sure my son is okay and letting him know that I wasn't laughing

at him, but his reaction struck me funny and I'm sorry because I understand he

is really scared of bugs.

>

> Have I just warped him or am I beating myself up for nothing????? This is the

worst part of having been raised by a borderline parent. I don't always know

when something happens and it's just a normal thing that is no big deal. My

therapist emailed me back and said he was fine, I'm fine, and I am not a sucky

parent. Ugh!!!!

>

> I went in his room in the midst of this email and he is perfectly find. I

said, " I love you. " And he goes, " I love you too...now can you move? I'm trying

to watch TV. "

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>