Guest guest Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Hello everyone. I've been a member of this group for a while, but I have not posted before. I don't really know why... probably because my Nada seemed to be doing better, and I was somehow operating under the illusion that things were going to continue to be better. My Nada and I have been LC for some time now. It was difficult at first, but she has actually learned to (mostly) respect my boundaries. I avoid engaging her when she needles me or attempts to start a fight, and I don't tell her much about my personal life at all. When we do talk, I let her ramble on about everyone who is doing bad things to her, and her health problems, and her general disappointment in everyone else and the world. It seems to keep her happy, and our relationship has been quite smooth for several years now. In January of this year, I was robbed at gunpoint. Not long after that, I was diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis. I have had some trouble managing my disease, as I am apparently highly allergic to the medicine typically used to treat it. It's been uncomfortable, and very stressful. I had to have a root canal, gum surgery and a crown on a back molar, which has wound up costing me about $5,000, multiple trips to the dentist, and some major stress and anxiety. I advised my Nada of very little of this, except in the most limited way possible, and refused to talk to her in detail about the robbery, as it was just too traumatic to keep going through, and because, well, she's not a mother. She was resentful, but mostly respected my boundaries. About a month ago, my brother's fiancee broke off their engagement. When I asked her about it, she confessed to me that my brother became addicted to oxycontin about two years ago, and that he has been on methadone for about a year now. She has been begging him to get off of it, but has basically just gotten tired of the situation, and she does not want to be married to someone with a drug problem, which I understand. I had a long conversation with her some time ago, about my Nada and her disease, and advised brother's fiancee that she should be careful about what she confides in my Nada, as sometimes she can be really, really crazy. BF listened, but didn't really believe. Nada is very good at convincing other people she's not crazy when she's not having a meltdown. BF confided in my Nada that my brother had " done something " two years ago that really caused trouble in their relationship. At that point, Nada melted down. She started calling me five, six, ten times a day trying to get me to tell her what was going on, complaining that BF does not really love my brother, complaining that no one loves her because no one ever tells her anything, generally bemoaning her life and her horrible, unloving, children. At some point, she caught me in a weak moment, when I had been up late working all night, and I told her the truth. Big, big mistake. Of course. I KNEW it was a big mistake. I KNEW I shouldn't tell her. But I had been going through so much, and now I was carrying this other burden, and you know what? I wanted my mother to help me. I wanted my mother to help me carry my burdens. I wanted my mother to take care of me. Instead, my Nada reverted to an emotional state that I haven't seen out of her in years. She completely lost her shit. She started going on insane crying jags, threatening to kill herself, threatening to cut me and everyone else in her life out entirely if I didn't FORCE my brother or BF to confess to her what was going on, if I didn't try to drag my brother into rehab. I kept my patience for about two weeks. I kept telling her it wasn't any of her business, and refusing to get involved, which was the only patch I could think of to put on the situation after I made my huge mistake. She hammered, and hammered, and hammered at me. She finally backed off to some degree, but when she called me again the other day and asked me about it, I told her to leave me, BF and my brother alone. She called me back a few minutes later, and told me not to ever speak to her like that again, that she's done having everyone treat her like shit, like she doesn't matter. Then she hung up on me. And then, to my everlasting chagrin, I reverted. What followed was a repeat of the shit that she put me through for years when I was in college. Us calling each other back repeatedly, screaming at each other, until eventually I wound up on the phone, bawling my eyes out, begging her to tell me why she doesn't love me, why she can't understand that what she was asking me was too much, especially after everything I've been through in the last few months. She responded to that by telling me its my fault, that I never tell her anything, that I shut her out. I tried to tell her how I was feeling, to which she responded, " Oh yeah, everything's ALWAYS about you, isn't it. You're so selfish! " She makes me feel crazy. She makes me feel like it really IS all my fault. She makes me feel like I MAKE her behave that way, that if I just did everything she asks, everything would be fine. She makes me feel like I AM selfish, and unloving, and bad to her. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I keep expecting and hoping that someday she'll act like a mother. I don't know why I keep trying. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I keep re-opening this wound. I've talked to my T about it, but the best she can really tell me is to keep processing and try to get back to LC again. So I don't really know what I'm asking for. Maybe I just need some support. Maybe I just need some words from some other people who really understand what this feels like. Do you keep trying? How do you stop yourself when you start falling into that trap? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Hi , That sounds like my mother as well. You perfectly described my relationship with her: " When we do talk, I let her ramble on about everyone who is doing bad things to her, and her health problems, and her general disappointment in everyone else and the world. It seems to keep her happy. " My mother, like yours, equates " being close " with knowing every last detail of our lives. I tell her very, very little, only the good things. On the few occasions she's alone with my kids, she does her reconnaissance work, interrogating them " discreetly " about stuff. They're on to here. I totally get what you're saying. I was nodding my head wildly as I read it, esp as you described confiding in her when you knew that was the wrongest thing to do. Yup, I've done that. I guess we want to think this time will be different and she'll get it and comfort us, etc. I'm so sorry for all you've been through; what you don't need is your mother grilling you for information. I hope you're healing well, physically and in every other way. Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 So, your mother is saying that you keep making your theft and disease all about you? Uh, yeah. Possibly because they happened to you and, therefore, ARE all about you. I wish you had a mother like you deserve. It's too bad that life isn't fair sometimes. You're going to have to go back to LC, obviously, for your own peace. Don't beat yourself up about this -- you were going through a lot of stuff, any part of which could make any sane person break down. I hope you have the good therapist and supportive friends that you deserve. Good luck to you! > > Hello everyone. I've been a member of this group for a while, but I have not posted before. I don't really know why... probably because my Nada seemed to be doing better, and I was somehow operating under the illusion that things were going to continue to be better. My Nada and I have been LC for some time now. It was difficult at first, but she has actually learned to (mostly) respect my boundaries. I avoid engaging her when she needles me or attempts to start a fight, and I don't tell her much about my personal life at all. When we do talk, I let her ramble on about everyone who is doing bad things to her, and her health problems, and her general disappointment in everyone else and the world. It seems to keep her happy, and our relationship has been quite smooth for several years now. > > In January of this year, I was robbed at gunpoint. Not long after that, I was diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis. I have had some trouble managing my disease, as I am apparently highly allergic to the medicine typically used to treat it. It's been uncomfortable, and very stressful. I had to have a root canal, gum surgery and a crown on a back molar, which has wound up costing me about $5,000, multiple trips to the dentist, and some major stress and anxiety. I advised my Nada of very little of this, except in the most limited way possible, and refused to talk to her in detail about the robbery, as it was just too traumatic to keep going through, and because, well, she's not a mother. She was resentful, but mostly respected my boundaries. > > About a month ago, my brother's fiancee broke off their engagement. When I asked her about it, she confessed to me that my brother became addicted to oxycontin about two years ago, and that he has been on methadone for about a year now. She has been begging him to get off of it, but has basically just gotten tired of the situation, and she does not want to be married to someone with a drug problem, which I understand. I had a long conversation with her some time ago, about my Nada and her disease, and advised brother's fiancee that she should be careful about what she confides in my Nada, as sometimes she can be really, really crazy. BF listened, but didn't really believe. Nada is very good at convincing other people she's not crazy when she's not having a meltdown. BF confided in my Nada that my brother had " done something " two years ago that really caused trouble in their relationship. At that point, Nada melted down. She started calling me five, six, ten times a day trying to get me to tell her what was going on, complaining that BF does not really love my brother, complaining that no one loves her because no one ever tells her anything, generally bemoaning her life and her horrible, unloving, children. At some point, she caught me in a weak moment, when I had been up late working all night, and I told her the truth. Big, big mistake. Of course. I KNEW it was a big mistake. I KNEW I shouldn't tell her. But I had been going through so much, and now I was carrying this other burden, and you know what? I wanted my mother to help me. I wanted my mother to help me carry my burdens. I wanted my mother to take care of me. > > Instead, my Nada reverted to an emotional state that I haven't seen out of her in years. She completely lost her shit. She started going on insane crying jags, threatening to kill herself, threatening to cut me and everyone else in her life out entirely if I didn't FORCE my brother or BF to confess to her what was going on, if I didn't try to drag my brother into rehab. I kept my patience for about two weeks. I kept telling her it wasn't any of her business, and refusing to get involved, which was the only patch I could think of to put on the situation after I made my huge mistake. > > She hammered, and hammered, and hammered at me. She finally backed off to some degree, but when she called me again the other day and asked me about it, I told her to leave me, BF and my brother alone. She called me back a few minutes later, and told me not to ever speak to her like that again, that she's done having everyone treat her like shit, like she doesn't matter. Then she hung up on me. And then, to my everlasting chagrin, I reverted. What followed was a repeat of the shit that she put me through for years when I was in college. Us calling each other back repeatedly, screaming at each other, until eventually I wound up on the phone, bawling my eyes out, begging her to tell me why she doesn't love me, why she can't understand that what she was asking me was too much, especially after everything I've been through in the last few months. She responded to that by telling me its my fault, that I never tell her anything, that I shut her out. I tried to tell her how I was feeling, to which she responded, " Oh yeah, everything's ALWAYS about you, isn't it. You're so selfish! " She makes me feel crazy. She makes me feel like it really IS all my fault. She makes me feel like I MAKE her behave that way, that if I just did everything she asks, everything would be fine. She makes me feel like I AM selfish, and unloving, and bad to her. > > I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I keep expecting and hoping that someday she'll act like a mother. I don't know why I keep trying. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I keep re-opening this wound. I've talked to my T about it, but the best she can really tell me is to keep processing and try to get back to LC again. > > So I don't really know what I'm asking for. Maybe I just need some support. Maybe I just need some words from some other people who really understand what this feels like. Do you keep trying? How do you stop yourself when you start falling into that trap? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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