Guest guest Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Hi. I'm new to this group. My therapist mentioned this group to me and I decided to take a look around. So, I'm almost 23 and a recent graduate from college- very recent, like, last week, lol. My mother was recently diagnosed with personality disorder (as well as depression, agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder). Just before I found this out I had started seeing a therapist to deal with a lot of my own issues and anxiety (I struggle with terrible anxiety and panic attacks). I also just picked up the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. The more I learn and talk with my therapist, the more I understand the things my mom does/says and the mixed signals I always got from her growing up. It's starting to make a lot more sense, and I'm starting to try and learn how to deal with things between us in a more healthy way. This past weekend was eye opening especially. Last week I graduated. On Wednesday, my mom called me up and had a melt down or whatever. She was angry at her mother, and was going on about how no one loves her and she wanted to just kill herself, and graphically described to me how she would do it. Of course, I got upset and worried and panicked, because it's my mom and I love her. I got so upset and text my therapist and she was able to get me in for a session the next day. I was upset and also ANGRY that my mom had to go and do this. It was my graduation week. It was supposed to be MY weekend. I was so excited and had all these plans to celebrate. Then my mom calls and I'm worrying myself sick with, " But what if? But what if? " I was scared that my mom might actually kill herself this time; this isn't the first time she's talked about suicide or described how she'd do it to me. My therapist tried to reassure me that my mom wasn't going to do it, but I was still like, what if?? Still, I took my therapists' advice and tried to enjoy myself anyway, I tried not to let my mom ruin my whole weekend. I celebrated with my dad and bought myself a new purse as a present. I was able to be present with my dad and enjoy myself which was nice. Of course, my therapist was right. My mom didn't even try. My mom called me late on Friday and acted as if nothing ever happened. I got so angry and I snapped at her and got in a fight with her; but she constantly just turned it back on herself and disregarded how it made me feel/what it did to me. So, yeah. =/ There's also my grandmother, who I'm convinced is narcissistic personality disorder, and she's the cause of a lot of my mom's issues. I don't get along with my grandmother and I've for the most part completely cut her out of my life and I don't feel bad about it at all. Sometimes I wish it was that easy with my mom. =/ Then there's my little brother who has asperger's syndroms (a type of autism) and my dad who is a functioning alcoholic. It's all such a complicated mess sometimes. If it's not one person causing the family drama then it's another. I'm working on this though. I adore my therapist, she's awesome and I feel like she's helped me quite a bit already. Also, I'm planning to move to Portland sometime next summer (2012) to live my life finally and be closer to my best (and only) friend. Of course, my mom constantly throws this plan in my face and tries to guilt trip me about how I'm " abandoning my family " (ie her) and " choosing some girl across the country " over my mom and blahblah. My mom's always been really jealous of my friendship with my best friend and my mom doesn't understand it all. My mom's even accused me of being a lesbian and being in love with my best friend. Several times. I'm like, oh my god, mom. I've stopped trying to explain it to her because I'm starting to realize my mom is never going to understand. So, that's me. Hi everyone. -Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 HI Kate, welcome! I was so happy when you mentioned you'd be moving far from your mother. I think that will save your life, truly. She will pull that same performance over and over every time you do something (like graduate, like move, like have a life apart from her). Just do it. I wish I had done that at your age! (btw, congrats on your graduation!!!! yay you!! And yay for not letting her completely ruin the day for you) My mother is the same way. Every big, important moment of my life, her face is there with something mean or petty to say: * my wedding: leans over, taps me on shoulder and asks when it will be over (I joke now that I don't know if she meant the ceremony or my marriage. I think she's still hoping for the latter, even tho we're married 18 yrs) * my 1st born: " that's what you're naming her??? " * my 2nd born: when I was 9 months pregnant: " why can't **I** be in the delivery room??? all my friends' daughters invite them to see the baby born. I can't believe....blah blah... " Please run, don't walk to Portland. Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Kate, You've a lot on your plate for anyone, much less someone as young as you. I just wanted to address one thing. My son (who is 14) was told by his BPD dad that he would live at home and go to college. My son asked me if he had to. I told him that college was a time of life to learn to live on your own, to separate from your family. I told him that he could live at home, but I didn't think he'd be happy. I told him I expected him to move to the dorms his freshman year. My son's relief was tangible. Apparently, the BPD parent doesn't want, and panics about, their child growing up and away. I bet that your experience at this is pretty darn normal for the newly adult child of a BPD. It sounds like separating yourself from your parents will help bring some peace to your life. Good luck to you in your new life. When your Nada is blaming you, just keep in mind that you are entitled to be happy and to live your life toward that goal. A good mother wants that for her child. > > Hi. I'm new to this group. My therapist mentioned this group to me and I decided to take a look around. > > So, I'm almost 23 and a recent graduate from college- very recent, like, last week, lol. > > My mother was recently diagnosed with personality disorder (as well as depression, agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder). Just before I found this out I had started seeing a therapist to deal with a lot of my own issues and anxiety (I struggle with terrible anxiety and panic attacks). I also just picked up the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. > > The more I learn and talk with my therapist, the more I understand the things my mom does/says and the mixed signals I always got from her growing up. It's starting to make a lot more sense, and I'm starting to try and learn how to deal with things between us in a more healthy way. > > This past weekend was eye opening especially. Last week I graduated. On Wednesday, my mom called me up and had a melt down or whatever. She was angry at her mother, and was going on about how no one loves her and she wanted to just kill herself, and graphically described to me how she would do it. Of course, I got upset and worried and panicked, because it's my mom and I love her. I got so upset and text my therapist and she was able to get me in for a session the next day. I was upset and also ANGRY that my mom had to go and do this. It was my graduation week. It was supposed to be MY weekend. I was so excited and had all these plans to celebrate. Then my mom calls and I'm worrying myself sick with, " But what if? But what if? " I was scared that my mom might actually kill herself this time; this isn't the first time she's talked about suicide or described how she'd do it to me. My therapist tried to reassure me that my mom wasn't going to do it, but I was still like, what if?? Still, I took my therapists' advice and tried to enjoy myself anyway, I tried not to let my mom ruin my whole weekend. I celebrated with my dad and bought myself a new purse as a present. I was able to be present with my dad and enjoy myself which was nice. Of course, my therapist was right. My mom didn't even try. My mom called me late on Friday and acted as if nothing ever happened. I got so angry and I snapped at her and got in a fight with her; but she constantly just turned it back on herself and disregarded how it made me feel/what it did to me. > > So, yeah. =/ > > There's also my grandmother, who I'm convinced is narcissistic personality disorder, and she's the cause of a lot of my mom's issues. I don't get along with my grandmother and I've for the most part completely cut her out of my life and I don't feel bad about it at all. Sometimes I wish it was that easy with my mom. =/ > > Then there's my little brother who has asperger's syndroms (a type of autism) and my dad who is a functioning alcoholic. > > It's all such a complicated mess sometimes. If it's not one person causing the family drama then it's another. > > I'm working on this though. I adore my therapist, she's awesome and I feel like she's helped me quite a bit already. Also, I'm planning to move to Portland sometime next summer (2012) to live my life finally and be closer to my best (and only) friend. Of course, my mom constantly throws this plan in my face and tries to guilt trip me about how I'm " abandoning my family " (ie her) and " choosing some girl across the country " over my mom and blahblah. My mom's always been really jealous of my friendship with my best friend and my mom doesn't understand it all. My mom's even accused me of being a lesbian and being in love with my best friend. Several times. I'm like, oh my god, mom. I've stopped trying to explain it to her because I'm starting to realize my mom is never going to understand. > > So, that's me. Hi everyone. > > -Kate > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Hi I remember back when I was in highschool all I could think about was getting out of the house and moving away for college. I did the dorm thing my first year (and hated it, but that's just cause my dorm was full of parties and kids who drank and I wasn't into that back then) it was a great experience. In hindsight, I wish I'd moved back then and gone to school in Portland, but then, I think I needed to do some growing up. I'm still learning to be independent. The most frustrating thing with my mom is the mixed signals I get from her. She was the one who pushed for me to live in the dorms, because she wanted me to experience things she never got to do and all this crap. She's always pushed me to be social and have a life... until I get to far and her abandonment issues flare up. Then I'm the bad daughter and I don't love her and blahblah. It's like, when I went to college, she could somewhat handle it, because I was only 45 minutes away and she could visit me all the time. And called like, every day back during my first year or two. But now I'm making plans to move 3,000 miles away and she's panicking. She keeps trying to scare me too, with what if's, and how if something happens I'll be all alone (even though my best friend lives there and her whole family considers me family, but they don't count because " all you can rely on is family " ) and it'll be a 10 hour flight before she could come out there if something happened to me. And it's like, yeah, I know that. I've been living with the safety net of my parents since I turned 18, but it's time for me to grow up and become fully independent. Yes, it scares me. Yes, it drives my anxiety up like you wouldn't believe. But it's something I NEED to do. So yeah. She's using guilt trips and scare tactics to try and stop me. But I'm determined to do this. > > Kate, > > You've a lot on your plate for anyone, much less someone as young as you. > > I just wanted to address one thing. My son (who is 14) was told by his BPD dad that he would live at home and go to college. My son asked me if he had to. I told him that college was a time of life to learn to live on your own, to separate from your family. I told him that he could live at home, but I didn't think he'd be happy. I told him I expected him to move to the dorms his freshman year. My son's relief was tangible. > > Apparently, the BPD parent doesn't want, and panics about, their child growing up and away. I bet that your experience at this is pretty darn normal for the newly adult child of a BPD. It sounds like separating yourself from your parents will help bring some peace to your life. > > Good luck to you in your new life. When your Nada is blaming you, just keep in mind that you are entitled to be happy and to live your life toward that goal. A good mother wants that for her child. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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