BP Parent was 2000 miles away - now 3

[Guest guest]

Hello - I am new to the group. My name is . I am an adult child of a

possible BP Mom. I have posted once before sometime toward the end of March of

this year.

I was just reading an interesting thread between Annie and Doug that has been

helpful for what I am going to ask the group today.

Here is my current situation... I've lived 2000 miles away for the past 18 years

from my possible (there's been no professional diagnosis, mom refuses to get

help) BP mom until now. She has purchased a condo less than 3 miles from my

home. Needless to say, I've undergone a tremendous amount of anxiety. I've

since engaged professional help for myself to deal with this.

Interestingly enough, my mother as well (as Annie mentioned in her emails) says

she would go to counseling with me. Although she refuses to go with my father

and she refuses to go alone. My father is filing for divorce after 45 years of

marriage. She still refuses to go to couples therapy stating she agreed to go

30 years ago with my father. Why would she go now?

However, Doug seemed to hit the nail on the head of something I've been

" feeling " but really couldn't place. I think my mom believes that she and I are

a couple. I feel a kind of thread or rope or lifeline that she has loosely

around me that I want desperately to break free from. Could she believe that I

am an extension of her? There has always been this feeling that I can't shake

no matter what I do. The only way I can think of dealing with it is moving.

That is not fair to my husband; and quite possibly, maybe it is only my

running away and taking my baggage with me.

In any event, I found myself yesterday on the phone with her for 30 minutes. I

was unglued after the call. I really thought I had " risen above " those

feelings, if you will. I can't understand why interactions with her can make me

so angry. Why am I not able to transcend that stuff and let it slide off of me

and go on my way??? I was unable to complete the project I was working on

yesterday... as has happened so many times in my life.

In many ways, I feel as if I've been unable to live my life. But, on the flip

side of that, I think that has really got to by my issue. I can only stop

myself. I don't want to be a victim of this situation.

Thanks for listening. I'll stop rambling now. Any advice or tips would be

greatly appreciated. -

[Guest guest]

Hi , welcome to the Group.

Just so you feel more comfortable, most of the members here have a parent who is

not formally diagnosed. Its the behaviors that matter, and learning how to

handle the toxic behaviors, with or without a formal diagnosis.

You are right: the only power we have is over ourselves. You did not cause your

mother to have a personality disorder (or some of the traits of the Cluster B

personality disorders) and you can't cure her. You do not have the ability to

make her change. You do have the ability to set boundaries or rules for

yourself regarding what behaviors of your mother's that you will and will not

tolerate.

You can choose to have low contact /limited contact with your mother, with

boundaries and consequences in place for protection; that works for some of us.

Others of us have needed to go No Contact either temporarily or permanently.

There is no right, best, or only choice, its all about what YOU can live with

and tolerate well. Keep in mind that simply protecting yourself from abuse,

refusing to accept abuse or removing yourself from an abusive person, does NOT

make you a bad person or a bad daughter. Nobody deserves to be mistreated, used

or abused by anyone, and you have the right AND the power to protect yourself

from abuse even if its coming from your own mother.

My suggestion is that you start reading up about/educating yourself about

borderline pd; this can help you take her negative, hurtful behaviors less

personally.

There are a lot of good books now in the market about understanding borderline

pd, and about learning how to set boundaries for yourself, and how to stop

yourself from feeling responsible for her feelings (how to overcome

co-dependency.) While actual physical distance is a REALLY wonderful natural

boundary, now that she will be living close to you, learning about how to set

personal boundaries is going to become more important.

There is a reading list at the home page for this Group (at bpdcentral.com) with

LOTS of good material, but I highly recommend " Understanding the Borderline

MOther " , " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , " Co-dependent No More " , " Boundaries " ,

" Stop Walking On Eggshells " , and " Toxic Parents " .

I hope that helps!

-Annie

>

> Hello - I am new to the group. My name is . I am an adult child of a

> possible BP Mom. I have posted once before sometime toward the end of March of

> this year.

>

> I was just reading an interesting thread between Annie and Doug that has been

> helpful for what I am going to ask the group today.

>

> Here is my current situation... I've lived 2000 miles away for the past 18

years

> from my possible (there's been no professional diagnosis, mom refuses to get

> help) BP mom until now. She has purchased a condo less than 3 miles from my

> home. Needless to say, I've undergone a tremendous amount of anxiety. I've

> since engaged professional help for myself to deal with this.

>

> Interestingly enough, my mother as well (as Annie mentioned in her emails)

says

> she would go to counseling with me. Although she refuses to go with my father

> and she refuses to go alone. My father is filing for divorce after 45 years

of

> marriage. She still refuses to go to couples therapy stating she agreed to go

> 30 years ago with my father. Why would she go now?

>

> However, Doug seemed to hit the nail on the head of something I've been

> " feeling " but really couldn't place. I think my mom believes that she and I

are

> a couple. I feel a kind of thread or rope or lifeline that she has loosely

> around me that I want desperately to break free from. Could she believe that

I

> am an extension of her? There has always been this feeling that I can't shake

> no matter what I do. The only way I can think of dealing with it is moving.

> That is not fair to my husband; and quite possibly, maybe it is only my

> running away and taking my baggage with me.

>

> In any event, I found myself yesterday on the phone with her for 30 minutes.

I

> was unglued after the call. I really thought I had " risen above " those

> feelings, if you will. I can't understand why interactions with her can make

me

> so angry. Why am I not able to transcend that stuff and let it slide off of

me

> and go on my way??? I was unable to complete the project I was working on

> yesterday... as has happened so many times in my life.

>

> In many ways, I feel as if I've been unable to live my life. But, on the flip

> side of that, I think that has really got to by my issue. I can only stop

> myself. I don't want to be a victim of this situation.

>

> Thanks for listening. I'll stop rambling now. Any advice or tips would be

> greatly appreciated. -

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

From what I've read about those who grow up with BPD parents, they should every

one of them have post traumatic stress disorder. Regardless, your reaction to

your mother sounds incredibly normal, if not comfortable.

I can't advise you on contact limits with your mom, but I would certainly make

sure that she never gets a key to your house. Make sure your husband and

children know this. I know one person's BPD mother had a key to her house and

would let herself in, open and read the mail, re-organize her bathroom (making

my friend late to work the next morning because she couldn't find anything),

then throw a temper tantrum when she was thanked profusely enough. A locked

door is a physical limit that they cannot cross.

> >

> > Hello - I am new to the group. My name is . I am an adult child of a

> > possible BP Mom. I have posted once before sometime toward the end of March

of

> > this year.

> >

> > I was just reading an interesting thread between Annie and Doug that has

been

> > helpful for what I am going to ask the group today.

> >

> > Here is my current situation... I've lived 2000 miles away for the past 18

years

> > from my possible (there's been no professional diagnosis, mom refuses to get

> > help) BP mom until now. She has purchased a condo less than 3 miles from my

> > home. Needless to say, I've undergone a tremendous amount of anxiety. I've

> > since engaged professional help for myself to deal with this.

> >

> > Interestingly enough, my mother as well (as Annie mentioned in her emails)

says

> > she would go to counseling with me. Although she refuses to go with my

father

> > and she refuses to go alone. My father is filing for divorce after 45

years of

> > marriage. She still refuses to go to couples therapy stating she agreed to

go

> > 30 years ago with my father. Why would she go now?

> >

> > However, Doug seemed to hit the nail on the head of something I've been

> > " feeling " but really couldn't place. I think my mom believes that she and I

are

> > a couple. I feel a kind of thread or rope or lifeline that she has loosely

> > around me that I want desperately to break free from. Could she believe

that I

> > am an extension of her? There has always been this feeling that I can't

shake

> > no matter what I do. The only way I can think of dealing with it is moving.

> > That is not fair to my husband; and quite possibly, maybe it is only my

> > running away and taking my baggage with me.

> >

> > In any event, I found myself yesterday on the phone with her for 30 minutes.

I

> > was unglued after the call. I really thought I had " risen above " those

> > feelings, if you will. I can't understand why interactions with her can

make me

> > so angry. Why am I not able to transcend that stuff and let it slide off of

me

> > and go on my way??? I was unable to complete the project I was working on

> > yesterday... as has happened so many times in my life.

> >

> > In many ways, I feel as if I've been unable to live my life. But, on the

flip

> > side of that, I think that has really got to by my issue. I can only stop

> > myself. I don't want to be a victim of this situation.

> >

> > Thanks for listening. I'll stop rambling now. Any advice or tips would

be

> > greatly appreciated. -

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

You ask if your mom (we commonly use the word " nada " for our

unmotherly mothers here) could believe that you're an extension

of her. I think that's quite likely to be the case. An inability

to separate themselves from the people around them seems to be a

common issue for people with BPD. This shows itself in various

ways. My nada gets upset with people for having different

opinions from her. Her way of thinking is the only one that

could possibly be right so she seems to take differing opinions

as personal insults. She also fails to understand the different

between " mine " and " yours " . If she's in my house, she feels free

to take whatever she wants. Sometimes she shares totally

inappropriate personal information or expects me to share things

I consider none of her business.

One way to help keep this type of issue under control is to have

firm boundaries for what you'll put up with. I'd recommend

starting by insisting that she schedule visits in advance, at

your convenience rather than just dropping in at your house

because she's nearby. In fact, you might want to refuse to let

her come to your house at all. If you arrange to meet her

elsewhere, you can always choose to leave if her behavior

becomes unacceptable. That's a lot easier than forcing her out

of your house. I don't let my nada through my door even though

she's only about half a mile away. If she shows up here, I go

out and talk to her on the porch. If she's not in my house she

can't snoop or take things that are mine nor can she see

anything to be critical of. (She and I have totally different

priorities and tastes, so finding things to criticize is always

easy for her.) If she upsets you with the things she says on the

phone, set limits on when you'll answer calls from her and how

often.

You hit the nail on the head when you said you can only stop

yourself. You can't control how she behaves so you have to

protect yourself by controlling how you react to her behavior.

Another of my boundaries is that I don't allow my nada to

criticize me or the people I care about. If she starts being

nasty, I tell her once that I'm not going to talk about that and

if she insists on continuing, I hang up the phone or get up and

leave. She can say whatever she wants to say, but I don't have

to listen to it.

It can also help to think of the various things she might do

that will upset you or cause trouble and plan how you're going

to react when those things happen. It is a lot easier to put a

plan into effect when it is called for then to suddenly have to

figure out what to do when you're under stress and upset. I find

that having plans helps me to stay calm instead of constantly

worrying about what she's going to do next. I still worry some,

and occasionally have nightmares about what she might do, but

for the most part I can keep that stuff at the back of my mind

and ignore it.

At 11:31 AM 05/06/2011 Turnbull wrote:

>Hello - I am new to the group. My name is . I am an

>adult child of a

>possible BP Mom. I have posted once before sometime toward the

>end of March of

>this year.

>

>I was just reading an interesting thread between Annie and Doug

>that has been

>helpful for what I am going to ask the group today.

>

>Here is my current situation... I've lived 2000 miles away for

>the past 18 years

>from my possible (there's been no professional diagnosis, mom

>refuses to get

>help) BP mom until now. She has purchased a condo less than 3

>miles from my

>home. Needless to say, I've undergone a tremendous amount of

>anxiety. I've

>since engaged professional help for myself to deal with this.

>

>Interestingly enough, my mother as well (as Annie mentioned in

>her emails) says

>she would go to counseling with me. Although she refuses to go

>with my father

>and she refuses to go alone. My father is filing for divorce

>after 45 years of

>marriage. She still refuses to go to couples therapy stating

>she agreed to go

>30 years ago with my father. Why would she go now?

>

>However, Doug seemed to hit the nail on the head of something

>I've been

> " feeling " but really couldn't place. I think my mom believes

>that she and I are

>a couple. I feel a kind of thread or rope or lifeline that she

>has loosely

>around me that I want desperately to break free from. Could

>she believe that I

>am an extension of her? There has always been this feeling

>that I can't shake

>no matter what I do. The only way I can think of dealing with

>it is moving.

> That is not fair to my husband; and quite possibly, maybe it

> is only my

>running away and taking my baggage with me.

>

>In any event, I found myself yesterday on the phone with her

>for 30 minutes. I

>was unglued after the call. I really thought I had " risen

>above " those

>feelings, if you will. I can't understand why interactions

>with her can make me

>so angry. Why am I not able to transcend that stuff and let it

>slide off of me

>and go on my way??? I was unable to complete the project I was

>working on

>yesterday... as has happened so many times in my life.

>

>In many ways, I feel as if I've been unable to live my

>life. But, on the flip

>side of that, I think that has really got to by my issue. I

>can only stop

>myself. I don't want to be a victim of this situation.

>

>Thanks for listening. I'll stop rambling now. Any advice or

>tips would be

>greatly appreciated. -

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

You are living my worst nightmare! So sorry this has happened - and yes, I think

it is more likely than not that now your dad is out of the picture she considers

you a " couple " - which probably means lots of calls, impromptu visits and

expectations for lots and lots and lots of time together, with you being her

sounding board, confidante and major support in life.

As you set boundaries, remember that you don't Necessarily have to tell your

mother what the boundary is. IOW, you don't have to tell her you're only going

to talk on the phone once a week on Sundays for thirty minutes...you just don't

take/return calls during the week, call her Sunday at that time and get of the

phone when time is up. You don't have to tell her " You can't come in my house, "

you can try saying your kid is asleep, you just mopped, whatever. And you don't

have to give a list of unacceptable topics - you just make an exit whenever they

come up.

I mention this because most of us are used to being able to explicitly set

boundaries with friends or having boundaries like, " Don't snoop in my lingerie

drawer " observed without stating them. And our normal friends, if we say, " It

really bothers me when you call so late at night, " say they are sorry and stop

doing it. Our parents dont do that. They just push the stated boundary even more

- calling all hours, dropping by all hours, snooping more, talking only about

what we've asked them not to and often it triggers a rage - which while we

understand is not our fault, it's still not fun and we try to avoid them when

possible. They are sick - and we can't treat them like well people.

Sometimes theres no getting around saying it out loud - " No you can't come a

week before my due date and wait for the baby and then stay another week. "

" Thanks, but let's all go out to eat instead of you and the baby staying here. "

" I will not discuss our personal finances with you. " And it often results in a

nasty scene, but as my therapist once pointed out, you can choose the ditch you

want to die in - and for me, that's protecting my family.

This is a hard row to hoe but there is a lot of help to be had - therapy,

reading, this site. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing, okay?

> >Hello - I am new to the group. My name is . I am an

> >adult child of a

> >possible BP Mom. I have posted once before sometime toward the

> >end of March of

> >this year.

> >

> >I was just reading an interesting thread between Annie and Doug

> >that has been

> >helpful for what I am going to ask the group today.

> >

> >Here is my current situation... I've lived 2000 miles away for

> >the past 18 years

> >from my possible (there's been no professional diagnosis, mom

> >refuses to get

> >help) BP mom until now. She has purchased a condo less than 3

> >miles from my

> >home. Needless to say, I've undergone a tremendous amount of

> >anxiety. I've

> >since engaged professional help for myself to deal with this.

> >

> >Interestingly enough, my mother as well (as Annie mentioned in

> >her emails) says

> >she would go to counseling with me. Although she refuses to go

> >with my father

> >and she refuses to go alone. My father is filing for divorce

> >after 45 years of

> >marriage. She still refuses to go to couples therapy stating

> >she agreed to go

> >30 years ago with my father. Why would she go now?

> >

> >However, Doug seemed to hit the nail on the head of something

> >I've been

> > " feeling " but really couldn't place. I think my mom believes

> >that she and I are

> >a couple. I feel a kind of thread or rope or lifeline that she

> >has loosely

> >around me that I want desperately to break free from. Could

> >she believe that I

> >am an extension of her? There has always been this feeling

> >that I can't shake

> >no matter what I do. The only way I can think of dealing with

> >it is moving.

> > That is not fair to my husband; and quite possibly, maybe it

> > is only my

> >running away and taking my baggage with me.

> >

> >In any event, I found myself yesterday on the phone with her

> >for 30 minutes. I

> >was unglued after the call. I really thought I had " risen

> >above " those

> >feelings, if you will. I can't understand why interactions

> >with her can make me

> >so angry. Why am I not able to transcend that stuff and let it

> >slide off of me

> >and go on my way??? I was unable to complete the project I was

> >working on

> >yesterday... as has happened so many times in my life.

> >

> >In many ways, I feel as if I've been unable to live my

> >life. But, on the flip

> >side of that, I think that has really got to by my issue. I

> >can only stop

> >myself. I don't want to be a victim of this situation.

> >

> >Thanks for listening. I'll stop rambling now. Any advice or

> >tips would be

> >greatly appreciated. -

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

> I can't understand why interactions with her can make me

> so angry. Why am I not able to transcend that stuff and let it slide off of

me

> and go on my way???

There could be a variety of reasons for this, and IMO it would be a good idea to

work through these things with a professional therapist.

But here's what I see: 1)You are letting your mother violate your personal

limits of what is acceptable to you, possibly because even you are not entirely

aware of what these limits are. Your body and emotions are trying to tell you

that your boundaries have been violated. 2)You do not seem to feel like you

have a right to feel angry. Have you ever given yourself permission to be angry

with your mother? Anger is a part of the normal range of human emotion. Why

aren't you allowed to be angry? Do you think it would help you more to try to

ignore your feelings by letting the anger " slide off " of you, or instead to face

and acknowledge them and use them as tools to help you identify your needs and

limits?

I think working on identifying and protecting your own personal limits will help

you a great deal. Coping with all this KO mess is a process, it will take time

to learn, and it is a good idea to have support.