Inability to care for others...

[Guest guest]

Dear Group,

Many of us here have shared our experiences of NOT being cared for, or worse,

being mistreated, by our BPD parent(s) during the times when we were most

vulnerable.

I wonder if this is something that should be added to the standard list of

" classic " BPD symptoms: " Inability to care for others. "

I had been thinking that this was perhaps an NPD trait, since they notoriously

perceive themselves to be at the center of the universe and have no empathy.

(Part of the reason why I think my mother has NPD traits is because of this lack

of real empathy - although if you ask her, she is the most empathetic person in

the world (yeah, sure, when it's totally abstract and talking about people

totally outside her life).) However, as I think through all the stories I have

read here, I see this as a common theme among the BPDs.

The reason I am thinking about this again today is that my grandfather, nada's

fada is sick. (He has classic NPD, although it somehow manifests much less when

he is dealing with us grandkids (and our kids, his great-grandkids), compared to

his kids. And he is especially well-behaved around me, but everyone in the

family thinks it's because of my personality, and because I make it almost

impossible NOT to get along with me (unfortunately I think this is part of my

" conditioning " as I was growing up).)

So my grandpa is sick in my mother's home state. She is here with me. He was

taken to the hospital a couple of days ago but is feeling poorly again and has a

family friend at the house right now in case he needs a ride to the hospital. My

nada is freaking out right now, and I am going to give you some quotes from our

conversation just a few minutes ago:

NADA: Great, that friend X is there to take him to the hospital. Now, everybody

is going to talk about how I don't take care of my parents and have abandoned

them. They have been spreading rumors about me for years.

ME: Mom, you shouldn't really care what others say. It's not worth your time.

This is not about you at all. It's about grandpa being sick.

NADA: Of course this is about me! Everybody always screws up and then I have to

take care of them. [add some choice expletives]

ME: Mom, he is old and sick, he didn't do this on purpose.

NADA: They are morons. [some more choice expletives] Why do I have to take care

of everybody. Nobody ever takes care of my needs but I have to carry everyone on

my back. They were not there for me, why should I be there for them now?

ME: They are not asking you to do anything. They have a friend there now and are

dealing with the situation.

NADA: [expletives] They should NOT be calling you or me! They don't deserve your

time! I am your mother! Who are they? I have finally fixed your life so you can

do well on your exams and they are clinging to you and distracting you.

---

This went on and on for a while just now. And I had flashbacks of how she used

to threaten to throw me out whenever I got sick as a child. I remember the sheer

terror I used to feel, while burning up with a fever, or hacking my lungs out

coughing, or suffering from a horrible sore throat, or throwing up, that she

would put me out on the street. I would apologize to her over and over for

getting sick. I used to tell her " Mommy, please don't be mad, please don't put

me out. I love you mommy. I won't do it again! " . I also remembered how she

flipped out when I had a bad fall and needed to go to the hospital. She totally

lost it and was running around screaming for help. I remember being bloody and

trying to calm her down and telling her " Mommy, it's ok, it doesn't hurt too

much, everything will be ok. " I remember whenever my step-dad would have a

flare-up of his chronic illness she would start yelling and screaming at him,

even beating him with a pillow many times when he was bedridden. I remember the

last time my grandmother (nada's mother) had an acute emergency (she has

breathing problems) and they called me from the ER (nada had taken her there) -

nada was ranting the whole time and apparently she had spent their entire 8-hour

stay at the hospital ranting and berating grandma.

All of this leads me to believe that people with BPD are incapable of taking

care of others.

What do you think?

Arianna

P.S. Oh, and don't you love how she is taking credit for " fixing " my life (I

didn't realize it needed fixing, other than a crazy nada my life is pretty

wonderful, thankyouverymuch!)... I know I am going to be hearing her say to

everyone and anyone forever: " She would have never been able to make it through

medical school if it weren't for my help. "

(Yeah, since medical school lasts for only 3 months and if by help or " fixing "

you mean descending into my life in February (because she decided that she was

going to come live with me since she rented out all her properties), throwing

fits every other day and ranting and raging and stressing out my kids and me,

inviting her acquaintance to my home for a 2-month visit (oh yeah!!! did I

forget to mention that not only did she invite herself, but she invited a guest

too!), then getting into HUGE fights with that acquaintance under my roof, and

forcing me into the middle of it and making me deal with that drama. The guest

finally left (after a month) but she continued raging until I told her she had

to leave too or I would make her leave, after which she has been on relatively

good behavior... Yeah... she has " fixed " my life all right! Although to give

credit where credit is due, she has been doing almost all of the cooking and

most of the laundry for the last 3-4 weeks.)

[Guest guest]

I've read that its not uncommon for someone with borderline pd to have other

personality disorder traits as well, or even other disorders like Axis I

disorders: depression, anxiety, paranoia, etc.

I'm willing to bet money that my nada has both bpd (she's been formally

diagnosed) and narcissistic pd, with maybe a smattering of histrionic pd and

antisocial pd thrown in as well. I've referred to her sometimes as " the walking

Cluster B. "

When I'd become ill or get injured as a child, I'd get screamed at and shamed

instead of comforted. I learned to just not tell mom if I felt sick or got

hurt. Suffering in silence was better than being called a stupid, clumsy moron

or made to feel guilty for causing mom more work. Or being laughed at when I

was scared and/or hurt.

As a small child I'd been allowed to see the movie " The Blob " about a alien wad

of acid that enveloped and dissolved people if they touched it; that's how it

ate. One afternoon I was hanging out with Dad, watching him change some

batteries and I picked up a used, corroded battery out of curiosity. He said,

" Don't let that battery acid get on your hand, it will dissolve your skin. " I

was struck dumb with terror, rushed into the house and began scrubbing my hands

with hot water and soap frantically, crying, afraid the battery acid would start

eating my fingers, then my hand, my arm, etc. Mom asked her nearly hysterical

child what was going on and when I told her, she laughed at me, then told me I

was stupid. No comfort, just shaming and humiliation.

When I fell out of a tree one time it knocked the breath out of myself, which

scared me even worse (that feeling of not being able to breath is terrifying).

I was " rescued " by my friend's teenaged sister who knew first aid and knew what

to do; I was shaken up but not really hurt, but I went home and told nada, and

she didn't comfort me or even seem to care. She just said something like,

" That'll teach you not to climb trees. " or " That's what you get for playing in

that tree, serves you right. "

Is anyone surprised that I felt like my own mother didn't even like me? It

seemed to me that she only took care of me because she was supposed to, but she

didn't actually *like* me.

-Annie

>

> Dear Group,

>

> Many of us here have shared our experiences of NOT being cared for, or worse,

being mistreated, by our BPD parent(s) during the times when we were most

vulnerable.

>

> I wonder if this is something that should be added to the standard list of

" classic " BPD symptoms: " Inability to care for others. "

>

> I had been thinking that this was perhaps an NPD trait, since they notoriously

perceive themselves to be at the center of the universe and have no empathy.

(Part of the reason why I think my mother has NPD traits is because of this lack

of real empathy - although if you ask her, she is the most empathetic person in

the world (yeah, sure, when it's totally abstract and talking about people

totally outside her life).) However, as I think through all the stories I have

read here, I see this as a common theme among the BPDs.

>

> The reason I am thinking about this again today is that my grandfather, nada's

fada is sick. (He has classic NPD, although it somehow manifests much less when

he is dealing with us grandkids (and our kids, his great-grandkids), compared to

his kids. And he is especially well-behaved around me, but everyone in the

family thinks it's because of my personality, and because I make it almost

impossible NOT to get along with me (unfortunately I think this is part of my

" conditioning " as I was growing up).)

>

> So my grandpa is sick in my mother's home state. She is here with me. He was

taken to the hospital a couple of days ago but is feeling poorly again and has a

family friend at the house right now in case he needs a ride to the hospital. My

nada is freaking out right now, and I am going to give you some quotes from our

conversation just a few minutes ago:

>

> NADA: Great, that friend X is there to take him to the hospital. Now,

everybody is going to talk about how I don't take care of my parents and have

abandoned them. They have been spreading rumors about me for years.

> ME: Mom, you shouldn't really care what others say. It's not worth your time.

This is not about you at all. It's about grandpa being sick.

> NADA: Of course this is about me! Everybody always screws up and then I have

to take care of them. [add some choice expletives]

> ME: Mom, he is old and sick, he didn't do this on purpose.

> NADA: They are morons. [some more choice expletives] Why do I have to take

care of everybody. Nobody ever takes care of my needs but I have to carry

everyone on my back. They were not there for me, why should I be there for them

now?

> ME: They are not asking you to do anything. They have a friend there now and

are dealing with the situation.

> NADA: [expletives] They should NOT be calling you or me! They don't deserve

your time! I am your mother! Who are they? I have finally fixed your life so you

can do well on your exams and they are clinging to you and distracting you.

>

> ---

> This went on and on for a while just now. And I had flashbacks of how she used

to threaten to throw me out whenever I got sick as a child. I remember the sheer

terror I used to feel, while burning up with a fever, or hacking my lungs out

coughing, or suffering from a horrible sore throat, or throwing up, that she

would put me out on the street. I would apologize to her over and over for

getting sick. I used to tell her " Mommy, please don't be mad, please don't put

me out. I love you mommy. I won't do it again! " . I also remembered how she

flipped out when I had a bad fall and needed to go to the hospital. She totally

lost it and was running around screaming for help. I remember being bloody and

trying to calm her down and telling her " Mommy, it's ok, it doesn't hurt too

much, everything will be ok. " I remember whenever my step-dad would have a

flare-up of his chronic illness she would start yelling and screaming at him,

even beating him with a pillow many times when he was bedridden. I remember the

last time my grandmother (nada's mother) had an acute emergency (she has

breathing problems) and they called me from the ER (nada had taken her there) -

nada was ranting the whole time and apparently she had spent their entire 8-hour

stay at the hospital ranting and berating grandma.

>

> All of this leads me to believe that people with BPD are incapable of taking

care of others.

>

> What do you think?

>

> Arianna

>

> P.S. Oh, and don't you love how she is taking credit for " fixing " my life (I

didn't realize it needed fixing, other than a crazy nada my life is pretty

wonderful, thankyouverymuch!)... I know I am going to be hearing her say to

everyone and anyone forever: " She would have never been able to make it through

medical school if it weren't for my help. "

>

> (Yeah, since medical school lasts for only 3 months and if by help or " fixing "

you mean descending into my life in February (because she decided that she was

going to come live with me since she rented out all her properties), throwing

fits every other day and ranting and raging and stressing out my kids and me,

inviting her acquaintance to my home for a 2-month visit (oh yeah!!! did I

forget to mention that not only did she invite herself, but she invited a guest

too!), then getting into HUGE fights with that acquaintance under my roof, and

forcing me into the middle of it and making me deal with that drama. The guest

finally left (after a month) but she continued raging until I told her she had

to leave too or I would make her leave, after which she has been on relatively

good behavior... Yeah... she has " fixed " my life all right! Although to give

credit where credit is due, she has been doing almost all of the cooking and

most of the laundry for the last 3-4 weeks.)

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie, you have described my childhood reality! Not only was there no

comfort or reassurance, but there was overt derision and borderline hatred. How

dare I get sick?! Now I see her doing this to others too... as I described, to

my dad, step-dad, her parents, her siblings. But when I was a child I didn't

realize she treated everyone in the family this way. It was especially confusing

because she was willing to be woken up in the middle of the night to give a

neighbor's child an injection (she has some training as a nurse) - so other

people, who didn't know her very closely, thought she was so caring. We all know

now that nadas can put on a show for the outside world, but when I was little I

didn't know any of this. There was a whole year of my life, when I was around

11, when I would kneel at her feet almost daily and say some variation of the

following: " Mommy, do you love me? Mommy, I am so sorry if I do anything to make

you mad. Can you tell me what I did wrong, so I will not do it again? Mommy will

you love me please? "

I agree with you that people with BPD tend to have some other cluster B symptoms

mixed in. I wonder how common it is for BPDs to be lacking in empathy and/or the

ability to take care of others.

Arianna

> >

> > Dear Group,

> >

> > Many of us here have shared our experiences of NOT being cared for, or

worse, being mistreated, by our BPD parent(s) during the times when we were most

vulnerable.

> >

> > I wonder if this is something that should be added to the standard list of

" classic " BPD symptoms: " Inability to care for others. "

> >

> > I had been thinking that this was perhaps an NPD trait, since they

notoriously perceive themselves to be at the center of the universe and have no

empathy. (Part of the reason why I think my mother has NPD traits is because of

this lack of real empathy - although if you ask her, she is the most empathetic

person in the world (yeah, sure, when it's totally abstract and talking about

people totally outside her life).) However, as I think through all the stories I

have read here, I see this as a common theme among the BPDs.

> >

> > The reason I am thinking about this again today is that my grandfather,

nada's fada is sick. (He has classic NPD, although it somehow manifests much

less when he is dealing with us grandkids (and our kids, his great-grandkids),

compared to his kids. And he is especially well-behaved around me, but everyone

in the family thinks it's because of my personality, and because I make it

almost impossible NOT to get along with me (unfortunately I think this is part

of my " conditioning " as I was growing up).)

> >

> > So my grandpa is sick in my mother's home state. She is here with me. He was

taken to the hospital a couple of days ago but is feeling poorly again and has a

family friend at the house right now in case he needs a ride to the hospital. My

nada is freaking out right now, and I am going to give you some quotes from our

conversation just a few minutes ago:

> >

> > NADA: Great, that friend X is there to take him to the hospital. Now,

everybody is going to talk about how I don't take care of my parents and have

abandoned them. They have been spreading rumors about me for years.

> > ME: Mom, you shouldn't really care what others say. It's not worth your

time. This is not about you at all. It's about grandpa being sick.

> > NADA: Of course this is about me! Everybody always screws up and then I have

to take care of them. [add some choice expletives]

> > ME: Mom, he is old and sick, he didn't do this on purpose.

> > NADA: They are morons. [some more choice expletives] Why do I have to take

care of everybody. Nobody ever takes care of my needs but I have to carry

everyone on my back. They were not there for me, why should I be there for them

now?

> > ME: They are not asking you to do anything. They have a friend there now and

are dealing with the situation.

> > NADA: [expletives] They should NOT be calling you or me! They don't deserve

your time! I am your mother! Who are they? I have finally fixed your life so you

can do well on your exams and they are clinging to you and distracting you.

> >

> > ---

> > This went on and on for a while just now. And I had flashbacks of how she

used to threaten to throw me out whenever I got sick as a child. I remember the

sheer terror I used to feel, while burning up with a fever, or hacking my lungs

out coughing, or suffering from a horrible sore throat, or throwing up, that she

would put me out on the street. I would apologize to her over and over for

getting sick. I used to tell her " Mommy, please don't be mad, please don't put

me out. I love you mommy. I won't do it again! " . I also remembered how she

flipped out when I had a bad fall and needed to go to the hospital. She totally

lost it and was running around screaming for help. I remember being bloody and

trying to calm her down and telling her " Mommy, it's ok, it doesn't hurt too

much, everything will be ok. " I remember whenever my step-dad would have a

flare-up of his chronic illness she would start yelling and screaming at him,

even beating him with a pillow many times when he was bedridden. I remember the

last time my grandmother (nada's mother) had an acute emergency (she has

breathing problems) and they called me from the ER (nada had taken her there) -

nada was ranting the whole time and apparently she had spent their entire 8-hour

stay at the hospital ranting and berating grandma.

> >

> > All of this leads me to believe that people with BPD are incapable of taking

care of others.

> >

> > What do you think?

> >

> > Arianna

> >

> > P.S. Oh, and don't you love how she is taking credit for " fixing " my life (I

didn't realize it needed fixing, other than a crazy nada my life is pretty

wonderful, thankyouverymuch!)... I know I am going to be hearing her say to

everyone and anyone forever: " She would have never been able to make it through

medical school if it weren't for my help. "

> >

> > (Yeah, since medical school lasts for only 3 months and if by help or

" fixing " you mean descending into my life in February (because she decided that

she was going to come live with me since she rented out all her properties),

throwing fits every other day and ranting and raging and stressing out my kids

and me, inviting her acquaintance to my home for a 2-month visit (oh yeah!!! did

I forget to mention that not only did she invite herself, but she invited a

guest too!), then getting into HUGE fights with that acquaintance under my roof,

and forcing me into the middle of it and making me deal with that drama. The

guest finally left (after a month) but she continued raging until I told her she

had to leave too or I would make her leave, after which she has been on

relatively good behavior... Yeah... she has " fixed " my life all right! Although

to give credit where credit is due, she has been doing almost all of the cooking

and most of the laundry for the last 3-4 weeks.)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

>

>

>

>

> Dear Group,

>

> Many of us here have shared our experiences of NOT being cared for, or worse,

> being mistreated, by our BPD parent(s) during the times when we were most

> vulnerable.

>

> I wonder if this is something that should be added to the standard list of

> " classic " BPD symptoms: " Inability to care for others. "

>

> I had been thinking that this was perhaps an NPD trait, since they notoriously

> perceive themselves to be at the center of the universe and have no empathy.

> (Part of the reason why I think my mother has NPD traits is because of this

> lack of real empathy - although if you ask her, she is the most empathetic

> person in the world (yeah, sure, when it's totally abstract and talking about

> people totally outside her life).) However, as I think through all the stories

> I have read here, I see this as a common theme among the BPDs.

>

> The reason I am thinking about this again today is that my grandfather, nada's

> fada is sick. (He has classic NPD, although it somehow manifests much less

> when he is dealing with us grandkids (and our kids, his great-grandkids),

> compared to his kids. And he is especially well-behaved around me, but

> everyone in the family thinks it's because of my personality, and because I

> make it almost impossible NOT to get along with me (unfortunately I think this

> is part of my " conditioning " as I was growing up).)

>

> So my grandpa is sick in my mother's home state. She is here with me. He was

> taken to the hospital a couple of days ago but is feeling poorly again and has

> a family friend at the house right now in case he needs a ride to the

> hospital. My nada is freaking out right now, and I am going to give you some

> quotes from our conversation just a few minutes ago:

>

> NADA: Great, that friend X is there to take him to the hospital. Now,

> everybody is going to talk about how I don't take care of my parents and have

> abandoned them. They have been spreading rumors about me for years.

> ME: Mom, you shouldn't really care what others say. It's not worth your time.

> This is not about you at all. It's about grandpa being sick.

> NADA: Of course this is about me! Everybody always screws up and then I have

> to take care of them. [add some choice expletives]

> ME: Mom, he is old and sick, he didn't do this on purpose.

> NADA: They are morons. [some more choice expletives] Why do I have to take

> care of everybody. Nobody ever takes care of my needs but I have to carry

> everyone on my back. They were not there for me, why should I be there for

> them now?

> ME: They are not asking you to do anything. They have a friend there now and

> are dealing with the situation.

> NADA: [expletives] They should NOT be calling you or me! They don't deserve

> your time! I am your mother! Who are they? I have finally fixed your life so

> you can do well on your exams and they are clinging to you and distracting

> you.

>

> ---

> This went on and on for a while just now. And I had flashbacks of how she used

> to threaten to throw me out whenever I got sick as a child. I remember the

> sheer terror I used to feel, while burning up with a fever, or hacking my

> lungs out coughing, or suffering from a horrible sore throat, or throwing up,

> that she would put me out on the street. I would apologize to her over and

> over for getting sick. I used to tell her " Mommy, please don't be mad, please

> don't put me out. I love you mommy. I won't do it again! " . I also remembered

> how she flipped out when I had a bad fall and needed to go to the hospital.

> She totally lost it and was running around screaming for help. I remember

> being bloody and trying to calm her down and telling her " Mommy, it's ok, it

> doesn't hurt too much, everything will be ok. " I remember whenever my step-dad

> would have a flare-up of his chronic illness she would start yelling and

> screaming at him, even beating him with a pillow many times when he was

> bedridden. I remember the last time my grandmother (nada's mother) had an

> acute emergency (she has breathing problems) and they called me from the ER

> (nada had taken her there) - nada was ranting the whole time and apparently

> she had spent their entire 8-hour stay at the hospital ranting and berating

> grandma.

>

> All of this leads me to believe that people with BPD are incapable of taking

> care of others.

>

> What do you think?

>

> Arianna

>

> P.S. Oh, and don't you love how she is taking credit for " fixing " my life (I

> didn't realize it needed fixing, other than a crazy nada my life is pretty

> wonderful, thankyouverymuch!)... I know I am going to be hearing her say to

> everyone and anyone forever: " She would have never been able to make it

> through medical school if it weren't for my help. "

>

> (Yeah, since medical school lasts for only 3 months and if by help or " fixing "

> you mean descending into my life in February (because she decided that she was

> going to come live with me since she rented out all her properties), throwing

> fits every other day and ranting and raging and stressing out my kids and me,

> inviting her acquaintance to my home for a 2-month visit (oh yeah!!! did I

> forget to mention that not only did she invite herself, but she invited a

> guest too!), then getting into HUGE fights with that acquaintance under my

> roof, and forcing me into the middle of it and making me deal with that drama.

> The guest finally left (after a month) but she continued raging until I told

> her she had to leave too or I would make her leave, after which she has been

> on relatively good behavior... Yeah... she has " fixed " my life all right!

> Although to give credit where credit is due, she has been doing almost all of

> the cooking and most of the laundry for the last 3-4 weeks.)

>

>

> Arianna,

>

> You are absolutely correct, in my opinion. I believe that most persons with

> BPD are incapable of caring for others.

>

> In my opinion, it comes down to the old saying, ³You cannot give what you

> don¹t have.²

>

> A mother with BPD is so insecure that she cannot offer genuine care for

> others. I will never forget how alone I felt when I gave birth to my twin

> sons. My husband was working two jobs to help make ends meet, and our sons

> were born prematurely. Do you think my mother came around to help? Of course

> not. She insisted, however, in telling me how to dress them, (exactly what

> outfits to wear) especially when she was ready to show them off to her

> friends. . .

>

> Growing up, whenever a real crisis occurred, I had to be the real mom.

> Examples: 1)1971 Sylmar quake: We had to evacuate as a family, since their

> was fear the nearby dam would break. Mom becomes demanding and hysterical,

> nonsensical. . .I am eight, and I have to pack the car and assist my dad with

> preparations. She is angry she cannot bring all her favorite clothing with

> her. 2)Brother takes an overdose due to all the stress at home. She leaves

> the hospital, insisting she must get her sleep, and my husband and I stay up

> around the clock with my brother as he admitted to the psychiatric wing.

> 3)Dad has major cancer surgery, and almost dies. Upon his return home, she

> insists on going to stay with a friend, since she had ³seen blood², and this

> had taken a toll on her. (In other words, she was angry that my dad had to

> have the attention instead of her. No matter that I was the one cleaning out

> his catheter of blood clots for days‹she had ³seen² the blood.)

>

> Yes, Arianna, when I start tearing myself up inside, asking WHY, WHY, WHY?--I

> repeat over and over again: ³She is incapable.² I don¹t say this to

> belittle. I say this to myself to cope.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My god, I just want to slap these women. My mother was much the same - with

one variation -

She would get angry if I got sick or hurt - - - unless she could manipulate

it to bring her attention from others. If the church ladies got wind of it

and came over to comfort her she immediately melted into a waif and started

acting helpless and victimized. Otherwise she was furious. She also did that

with medical personelle. somehow nothing was better than the attention of a

doctor, nurse, or EMT.

BITCH SLAP

Happy mothers day my darling friends. I realized this year that we are the

mothers - we mothered ourselves, our siblings, our own parents. Lets

celebrate us this year.

XOXO

Girlscout

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Dear Group,

> >

> > Many of us here have shared our experiences of NOT being cared for, or

> worse,

> > being mistreated, by our BPD parent(s) during the times when we were most

> > vulnerable.

> >

> > I wonder if this is something that should be added to the standard list

> of

> > " classic " BPD symptoms: " Inability to care for others. "

> >

> > I had been thinking that this was perhaps an NPD trait, since they

> notoriously

> > perceive themselves to be at the center of the universe and have no

> empathy.

> > (Part of the reason why I think my mother has NPD traits is because of

> this

> > lack of real empathy - although if you ask her, she is the most

> empathetic

> > person in the world (yeah, sure, when it's totally abstract and talking

> about

> > people totally outside her life).) However, as I think through all the

> stories

> > I have read here, I see this as a common theme among the BPDs.

> >

> > The reason I am thinking about this again today is that my grandfather,

> nada's

> > fada is sick. (He has classic NPD, although it somehow manifests much

> less

> > when he is dealing with us grandkids (and our kids, his great-grandkids),

> > compared to his kids. And he is especially well-behaved around me, but

> > everyone in the family thinks it's because of my personality, and because

> I

> > make it almost impossible NOT to get along with me (unfortunately I think

> this

> > is part of my " conditioning " as I was growing up).)

> >

> > So my grandpa is sick in my mother's home state. She is here with me. He

> was

> > taken to the hospital a couple of days ago but is feeling poorly again

> and has

> > a family friend at the house right now in case he needs a ride to the

> > hospital. My nada is freaking out right now, and I am going to give you

> some

> > quotes from our conversation just a few minutes ago:

> >

> > NADA: Great, that friend X is there to take him to the hospital. Now,

> > everybody is going to talk about how I don't take care of my parents and

> have

> > abandoned them. They have been spreading rumors about me for years.

> > ME: Mom, you shouldn't really care what others say. It's not worth your

> time.

> > This is not about you at all. It's about grandpa being sick.

> > NADA: Of course this is about me! Everybody always screws up and then I

> have

> > to take care of them. [add some choice expletives]

> > ME: Mom, he is old and sick, he didn't do this on purpose.

> > NADA: They are morons. [some more choice expletives] Why do I have to

> take

> > care of everybody. Nobody ever takes care of my needs but I have to carry

> > everyone on my back. They were not there for me, why should I be there

> for

> > them now?

> > ME: They are not asking you to do anything. They have a friend there now

> and

> > are dealing with the situation.

> > NADA: [expletives] They should NOT be calling you or me! They don't

> deserve

> > your time! I am your mother! Who are they? I have finally fixed your life

> so

> > you can do well on your exams and they are clinging to you and

> distracting

> > you.

> >

> > ---

> > This went on and on for a while just now. And I had flashbacks of how she

> used

> > to threaten to throw me out whenever I got sick as a child. I remember

> the

> > sheer terror I used to feel, while burning up with a fever, or hacking my

> > lungs out coughing, or suffering from a horrible sore throat, or throwing

> up,

> > that she would put me out on the street. I would apologize to her over

> and

> > over for getting sick. I used to tell her " Mommy, please don't be mad,

> please

> > don't put me out. I love you mommy. I won't do it again! " . I also

> remembered

> > how she flipped out when I had a bad fall and needed to go to the

> hospital.

> > She totally lost it and was running around screaming for help. I remember

> > being bloody and trying to calm her down and telling her " Mommy, it's ok,

> it

> > doesn't hurt too much, everything will be ok. " I remember whenever my

> step-dad

> > would have a flare-up of his chronic illness she would start yelling and

> > screaming at him, even beating him with a pillow many times when he was

> > bedridden. I remember the last time my grandmother (nada's mother) had an

> > acute emergency (she has breathing problems) and they called me from the

> ER

> > (nada had taken her there) - nada was ranting the whole time and

> apparently

> > she had spent their entire 8-hour stay at the hospital ranting and

> berating

> > grandma.

> >

> > All of this leads me to believe that people with BPD are incapable of

> taking

> > care of others.

> >

> > What do you think?

> >

> > Arianna

> >

> > P.S. Oh, and don't you love how she is taking credit for " fixing " my life

> (I

> > didn't realize it needed fixing, other than a crazy nada my life is

> pretty

> > wonderful, thankyouverymuch!)... I know I am going to be hearing her say

> to

> > everyone and anyone forever: " She would have never been able to make it

> > through medical school if it weren't for my help. "

> >

> > (Yeah, since medical school lasts for only 3 months and if by help or

> " fixing "

> > you mean descending into my life in February (because she decided that

> she was

> > going to come live with me since she rented out all her properties),

> throwing

> > fits every other day and ranting and raging and stressing out my kids and

> me,

> > inviting her acquaintance to my home for a 2-month visit (oh yeah!!! did

> I

> > forget to mention that not only did she invite herself, but she invited a

> > guest too!), then getting into HUGE fights with that acquaintance under

> my

> > roof, and forcing me into the middle of it and making me deal with that

> drama.

> > The guest finally left (after a month) but she continued raging until I

> told

> > her she had to leave too or I would make her leave, after which she has

> been

> > on relatively good behavior... Yeah... she has " fixed " my life all right!

> > Although to give credit where credit is due, she has been doing almost

> all of

> > the cooking and most of the laundry for the last 3-4 weeks.)

> >

> >

> > Arianna,

> >

> > You are absolutely correct, in my opinion. I believe that most persons

> with

> > BPD are incapable of caring for others.

> >

> > In my opinion, it comes down to the old saying, ³You cannot give what you

> > don¹t have.²

> >

> > A mother with BPD is so insecure that she cannot offer genuine care for

> > others. I will never forget how alone I felt when I gave birth to my twin

> > sons. My husband was working two jobs to help make ends meet, and our

> sons

> > were born prematurely. Do you think my mother came around to help? Of

> course

> > not. She insisted, however, in telling me how to dress them, (exactly

> what

> > outfits to wear) especially when she was ready to show them off to her

> > friends. . .

> >

> > Growing up, whenever a real crisis occurred, I had to be the real mom.

> > Examples: 1)1971 Sylmar quake: We had to evacuate as a family, since

> their

> > was fear the nearby dam would break. Mom becomes demanding and

> hysterical,

> > nonsensical. . .I am eight, and I have to pack the car and assist my dad

> with

> > preparations. She is angry she cannot bring all her favorite clothing

> with

> > her. 2)Brother takes an overdose due to all the stress at home. She

> leaves

> > the hospital, insisting she must get her sleep, and my husband and I stay

> up

> > around the clock with my brother as he admitted to the psychiatric wing.

> > 3)Dad has major cancer surgery, and almost dies. Upon his return home,

> she

> > insists on going to stay with a friend, since she had ³seen blood², and

> this

> > had taken a toll on her. (In other words, she was angry that my dad had

> to

> > have the attention instead of her. No matter that I was the one cleaning

> out

> > his catheter of blood clots for days‹she had ³seen² the blood.)

> >

> > Yes, Arianna, when I start tearing myself up inside, asking WHY, WHY,

> WHY?--I

> > repeat over and over again: ³She is incapable.² I don¹t say this to

> > belittle. I say this to myself to cope.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>