Becoming a Mother and the fear of being like my BPD Mom

[Guest guest]

My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

[Guest guest]

My Sister had that fear, but she wanted to be a mother even more strongly so she

overcame her fear and she tried really hard to NOT be like our nada. Of course

nobody is the " perfect " mother, but being a " good enough " mother is very doable,

according to my Sister, who in my opinion was much better than average.

Maybe you can use my Sister's technique, which was to use our mom as a " negative

example. " Sister said she tried to avoid doing the things to her son that our

mother did to us, and in addition, Sister tried to pattern herself after a

neighbor lady who was a calm, sweet, gentle, patient soul *who actually liked

children*, and who looked after my Sister in the afternoons for a few years when

mom went back to work.

Plus, some psychological therapy can help with fears and anxieties, and help you

learn to self-monitor and self-soothe and ground yourself when you're feeling

stressed. Taking parenting classes can help you feel more reassured and

self-confident. And spending time with babies and infants and children NOW,

before you get pregnant and your hormones go haywire: make it a point to

babysit with infants, preschoolers, and older kids; see how you are with them,

how they react to you, and notice where your strengths and weaknesses are.

Go for it! You'll be a good mom, because you have human empathy and know what

its like to suffer and endure a bad mom.

-Annie

>

> My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Mickie,

I often say that the one group of people who can get some benefit from this BPD

horror are the grandkids - what makes me a better parent to my kids is not only

knowing what right/good things to do, but also what NOT to do (thanks to my

mother and her BPD).

Having suffered through a childhood terrorized by BPD has made me much more

attuned to my children's emotional needs. It has given me a wider and deeper

perspective into the ways in which children's psyches and egos can be hurt or

damaged. It has given me the single-minded determination to make sure that my

children KNOW beyond the shadow of doubt that they are unconditionally,

unequivocally, completely and utterly loved and cherished every single day.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Parenting is hard, and hard work. We

all make mistakes sometimes. We don't always know what the right decision may be

in a given situation, but we try our best. The most important things that

children need are love, support, encouragement, reassurance, security and

stability. If you can provide those on a daily basis - you are doing a fantastic

job of parenting.

Don't be afraid of motherhood. Don't think of your past as an anchor that will

sink you or your children, but treat it as a tool that will help you avoid bad

parenting.

I wish you the best of luck on this journey to motherhood. May a wonderful

healthy baby start growing in your loving belly very soon!

Arianna

>

> My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

>

[Guest guest]

(((Mickie))) I think just the fact that you're concerned about it shows how

marvelous of a mom you will be.

I'm with you, though; I have 2 kids (1 teen 1 grade schooler) and am hyper

vigilant about how I react to things. Sometimes I respond in ways that make me

freak and wonder if I'm like my mother. But I apologize if I need to and take

them out for dinner to talk, whatever it takes to connect with them.

I wish you the very best!!!

Fiona

>

> My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

>

[Guest guest]

Mickie,

I am sure every one of us KO's have had the same agonizing fears. So fearful in

fact, I am sure I never would have chosen to get pregnant the first time. Thank

God for surprises.

I was 2 days away from giving birth and still so unsure.

Do what I did: the fleas emerged when my daughter was about 2, this led me into

therapy, where I found out me child wasn't acting like my mother: my mother was

acting like a 2 year old!

[Guest guest]

Your fear is your best friend in this case. I am expecting #3, and can tell you

from experience. I thank Gd every day that I am a functioning mom and working

hard to be the best I can. For sure using " neg example " works but also I find I

naturally do things differently because I am normally or " try to be "

 

Not that they dont trigger me occasionaly however I am not a nada, and it doesnt

sound like you will be either. As I said, the fact that you are scared is a GOOD

thing.

 

Best of luck

SK

Subject: Becoming a Mother and the fear of being like my BPD

Mom

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, May 7, 2011, 6:39 PM

 

My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

[Guest guest]

I can so relate to your fears, Mickie. My husband and I have been trying for

years to have a child as well and my biggest fear is to end up like my nada. I

agree with everyone here who alluded to the fact that, because you are fearful,

that it alone will make you a better mom. I use several examples from friends

who are parents as well to see positive examples of how to parent (because we

all know that we have the negative examples!). For me, it helped when my nieces

were born and I spent a lot of time with them. It helped me become patient and

understanding and most of all, allow them to be themselves and not stifle their

growth. I compliment them all the time and tell them how beautiful they are and

how lucky they are. I never talk about my weight or any negativity around them.

I am very conscious of how I come off to them.

You will be a great mom.

AJ

>

> My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

>

[Guest guest]

Mickie -

I am the mother of a precious 3 year old daughter. I, too, was worried I would

screw her up like my parents did me. But I will echo the previous reply that the

fear alone will motivate you to rise above your parents.

I read every book I can find on gentle parenting. About what REAL parents are

like. I read parenting forums constantly. I knew before I conceived I watned to

parent differently and did not have that exemplified to me and that I needed to

equip myself with knowledge. I started seeking out friends who had normal,

balanced home lives and who were committed to raising their children in a

respectable way and I have gleaned from them. They are the ones I call when I

need advice.

You will do fine. I just had this exact conversation with my therapist today

(first visit) and as we were talking, he smiled and said " What's your favorite

thing to do with your daughter? " . And without blinking, I said " My favorite

thing is when I play with her in her room, and watch her imagination go wild and

let her come up with all sorts of hilarious and random pretend scenarios and I

go along with whatever she does. "

He smiled, and looked at me and said " I want you to think about what you just

said for a minute.....and I want you to think about your own relationship with

your mother and how what you just said is the exact opposite of what your mother

did with you.

You are NOT like your mom. You are different. You are parenting differently. "

I cried.

Sometimes I reason that if I had to be the one to suffer so that my daughter

could be the one who didn't have to, then so be it.

Hang in there. Much love to you.

Check out naprotechnology.com before you do IVF. Awesome fertility clinic,

research based. My husband and I are currently receiving treatment based on it.

> >

> > My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Don't let your nada rob you of the joy of parenting. They take so much from

us-don't let her have that too. I was terrified too, and becoming a parent is

the happiest best thing I've ever done. (Of course there are moments of doubt

and exhaustion too but these are worth it). It is so wonderful to give to a

little person who gives so much love in return.

> > >

> > > My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Mickie,

Forget the BPD - ya right - huh?

I too had a lot of trouble conceiving and I/we went thru IVF several times.

Despite this all, what I think matters most? Is:

DO NOT LET FEAR DICTATE YOUR CHOICES IN LIFE/BEING A MOM becoming a parent is

tough and lord knows we all suffer in someway - but if you are willing to really

take on the job or being a parent, it's the best damn choice you can ever,

ever, make (rich or poor no difference)!

It's a chance to START FRESH! It's a chance to have your very own " GOOD, CLEAN,

HONEST, COMMUNICATIVE, AND LOVING FAMILY " ! Do it girl! I cannot stress enough

how full filling it is to be a MOM! If you cannot conceive please do not fear

adoption! Do not worry Girl! You can and will be so much better than your NADA!

It took me forever and ever to be a MOM and my NADA went absolutely friggin nuts

once I became a MOM! Why? BC I could no longer be her very own indentured

servant! I fought through it bc nothing is better than finally allowing someone

else (your kid/kids) to come first before the NADA! Having " your very own

family " and just being " you " is better than anything in this lifetime. No matter

how you slice it, dissing the NADA who screwed all of us (with a BPD NADA) out

of a real childhood is worth a lifetime of suffering! Just being a parent, being

married to a good (or one you think is good) mate and just being a really great

MOM is better than anything on earth! For once something TRUMPS the BPD

bullcrap. You will be tired with the feedings, tired when you can't work as much

as you want, tired when you cannot clean the house like you want to. BUT DON'T

WORRY ABOUT THAT!

I won't lie, It ain't all sugar and roses! It's not fun at times when we must

fight our disgustingly selfish NADA from taking more, whilst still trying to

attend to our responsibilities as Full Time parents, hold FT or PT job, paying

our mortgage/overdue bills, not to mention dealing with all of life's " other

issues " on top of it all! Yes as parents/adults we must give up ourselves (big

time) to be good parents/mates - too it's tough for sure! But I would crawl on

glass for my kid/DH and I want more kids to boot! I cannot conceive anymore but

it's my goal to foster and adopt! I love to give kids a " chance " and I think as

the children of BPD NADA's we can deal with anything! My goal in life is to get

a big ole home, and take in as many unloved/abandoned kids as I can! They

deserve it and I can handle it!

Just FYI - I am not the frumpy type. Not that it matters really, but I haven't

given up on " me " . I am not one to let the grey show, not one to let too long a

time go to have my hair done, not one to let my nails/toe nails go! I love to

" look good " I love to " get smarter and smarter " I am very competitive and love

to work hard - but I truly believe that I can thank my BPD NADA - for this

insistant nature I possess! I was picked on (and still am) no matter how well I

did in life. I could make all A's, make a good career etc... but my NADA tells

me how dumb I am, how she is embarrassed by me! It makes me better bc my husband

loves me and I am learning to love " me " .

Please either have yourself a baby- if you can't - don't fear adoption, and get

on with " your life " DO IT NOW GIRL! Screw the bitch who messed with you! You are

older now! Get on with YOU/YOUR HUBBY/LIFE!

I did and I am so much better OFF!

Keep on Going!

We all support You and Know the Pain it is You Suffer!

EM

>

> My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

>

[Guest guest]

OMG!

Yes my NADA IS MORE OF A BABY THAN MY BABY WAS AT 2!

Nothing taught me more about BPD than to come to the CLEAR AND CONCISE

CONCLUSION THAT MY 2 YEAR OLD AND MY NADA WERE AS EMOTIONALLY MATURE AS ONE

ANOTHER! The thing is, now my daughter is 4 years of age and much, much more

emotionally capable/mature than my NADA!

It's so sad, so depressing, so draining, they don't do anything for us, they

hurt us etc.. but our kids are so much BETTER! I thank GOD DAILY FOR MY CHILD!

God Bless, You Go Good Girl!

EM

>

>

> Mickie,

> I am sure every one of us KO's have had the same agonizing fears. So fearful

in fact, I am sure I never would have chosen to get pregnant the first time.

Thank God for surprises.

>

> I was 2 days away from giving birth and still so unsure.

>

> Do what I did: the fleas emerged when my daughter was about 2, this led me

into therapy, where I found out me child wasn't acting like my mother: my mother

was acting like a 2 year old!

>

[Guest guest]

Amen, Sister!

> Nothing taught me more about BPD than to come to the CLEAR AND CONCISE

CONCLUSION THAT MY 2 YEAR OLD AND MY NADA WERE AS EMOTIONALLY MATURE AS ONE

ANOTHER!

[Guest guest]

We have no evolutionary, survival-based construct for wrapping our minds around

the idea of a physical adult with a normal, age -appropriate IQ... who is

operating at a two-year-old's level of emotional development.

If an adult has a normal IQ, we *expect* him or her to have a normal adult's

level of emotional development as well; evolution-wise, those two types of

development go hand in hand.

We easily recognize when a person is intellectually impaired because she can't

use words easily to communicate with us, she can't take care of preparing meals

for herself or cleaning herself properly, she can't earn a living and pay her

bills, she can't comprehend certain concepts like abstractions, metaphors,

symbolism, etc. And we adjust our expectations accordingly; we as a society

take the responsibility to protect and care for such individuals because they're

not capable of caring for themselves.

And we do not *expect* an adult with the mental/intellectual capacity of a

two-year-old to manage the responsibilities of child-rearing.

But I suppose that because impaired *emotional development* or functionality

usually isn't as blatantly obvious, plus we have no preexisting construct for

dealing with this anomaly, children pay the price for this when they are left in

the care of what is essentially another very small child.

To me, personality disorder is as weird, incomprehensible and shocking as it

would be if a 3-week-old infant were to stand up and begin speaking and acting

like an adult.

-Annie

>

> Amen, Sister!

>

>

> > Nothing taught me more about BPD than to come to the CLEAR AND CONCISE

CONCLUSION THAT MY 2 YEAR OLD AND MY NADA WERE AS EMOTIONALLY MATURE AS ONE

ANOTHER!

>

[Guest guest]

I knew I didn't want to be like my mom at 7 years of age. I started reading the

parenting columns in her ladies' magazines then. Therapy, reading, support

groups, finding positive role models - all those things help. I also share my

fears with my DH who gives me lots of positive feedback. And the best feedback

is from my baby. I sing him a song I made up that goes, " X is good, X is smart.

I love X with all my heart! X is funny, X is kind, he's the sweetest boy you'll

ever find! " - and one of my happiest moments in motherhood was the night my

little two year old started to sing along with a big grin on his sweet face. The

best feedback EVER. When I do feel like I am at my wit's end, I give myself a

timeout and do some relaxation exercises and let my baby watch a DVD. I make

sure I get enough rest as often as possible and that I take care of myself. Not

having had patience and self-control modeled, I find that I can have a pretty

low tolerance for heinous toddler behavior (it's lower the more exhausted I am)

so I have to do those things and I know they are for HIM as much as for myself.

I try to focus on him, not her, in everything I do.

> >

> > My husband and I are trying to have a baby and we are having fertility

issues...We are considering IVF. BUT I am absolutely terrified that I will be

just like my Mom, that I will be the horrible Mother that she was and that I

will mess up my child the way growing up with a BPD Mother has messed me

up...does anyone have any comments about how they have overcome the fear?? I

don't have BPD but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified...I want to become a

Mother more than anything but I am so afraid I will mess up my child because of

the way I was brought up.

> >

>