That's some really unappetizing bait.

[Guest guest]

I had a good day yesterday. My husband and kids were really great to me, and my

younger sister even called to say she appreciated me being like a mother to her.

I've had limited contact with my parents for four years, and almost none at all

this year. I've talked to them once since Christmas, for just a couple of

minutes. I am much happier with this almost-NC. In the past, I had still felt

somewhat obligated to send cards to my parents or call on important days. But

not this year. It feels so much better to do what feels authentic. I think

offering a prayer for them is better for all of us. Also, last year, I set a

number of boundaries with my parents, one of which was that I did not want my

mother to email me anymore. They both listened to this conversation and agreed.

Late in the evening yesterday, my mom emailed me. It was a short, one line, " I

am thinking of you today and love you every day, " sort of sentence. Any person

with healthy parents would think this is super-nice. But we all know it's bait

designed to hook me into a no-win-situation. It violates my boundary. It's

manipulative.

*She emailed me because she does not care about my limits.

*She wrote what she did because she wants *me* to say those things to *her* on

Mother's Day. It's supposed to make me feel guilty that I " forgot " about her.

*She would be just as content to hear me say nice things as to hear me tell her

to leave me alone. It would be just as awesome to her to be appreciated on

Mother's Day as it would for me to ruin it for her by being " rude " or " ugly. "

She gets something out of my negative reactions--someone to blame for her

negative self-image. She wants any attention at all, whether positive or

negative.

I'm not about to teach her that I will reply when she emails me. So, I archived

the email, and I changed my email filters to send anything else she might send

in the future straight to the archives so I don't have to see it. (I could have

set it to delete, but it kind of comforts me to have a record of unwanted

contact in case I need it in the future.)

A few years ago, this would have upset me a great deal. But now I feel

detached. I think of her just like I would think of any other emotionally

unstable person I might come across. And I see it as evidence that she isn't

ready for me to consider trusting her.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Good for you Sveta, for seeing it for what it was.

Subject: That's some really unappetizing " bait. "

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, May 9, 2011, 8:52 AM

 

I had a good day yesterday. My husband and kids were really great to me, and my

younger sister even called to say she appreciated me being like a mother to her.

I've had limited contact with my parents for four years, and almost none at all

this year. I've talked to them once since Christmas, for just a couple of

minutes. I am much happier with this almost-NC. In the past, I had still felt

somewhat obligated to send cards to my parents or call on important days. But

not this year. It feels so much better to do what feels authentic. I think

offering a prayer for them is better for all of us. Also, last year, I set a

number of boundaries with my parents, one of which was that I did not want my

mother to email me anymore. They both listened to this conversation and agreed.

Late in the evening yesterday, my mom emailed me. It was a short, one line, " I

am thinking of you today and love you every day, " sort of sentence. Any person

with healthy parents would think this is super-nice. But we all know it's bait

designed to hook me into a no-win-situation. It violates my boundary. It's

manipulative.

*She emailed me because she does not care about my limits.

*She wrote what she did because she wants *me* to say those things to *her* on

Mother's Day. It's supposed to make me feel guilty that I " forgot " about her.

*She would be just as content to hear me say nice things as to hear me tell her

to leave me alone. It would be just as awesome to her to be appreciated on

Mother's Day as it would for me to ruin it for her by being " rude " or " ugly. "

She gets something out of my negative reactions--someone to blame for her

negative self-image. She wants any attention at all, whether positive or

negative.

I'm not about to teach her that I will reply when she emails me. So, I archived

the email, and I changed my email filters to send anything else she might send

in the future straight to the archives so I don't have to see it. (I could have

set it to delete, but it kind of comforts me to have a record of unwanted

contact in case I need it in the future.)

A few years ago, this would have upset me a great deal. But now I feel detached.

I think of her just like I would think of any other emotionally unstable person

I might come across. And I see it as evidence that she isn't ready for me to

consider trusting her.

Sveta