I have a question about the inner child theory.

[Guest guest]

Does anybody find this theory to be completely ridiculous?

I am not trying to diminish the fact that it can help some people. I just don't

get it and am wondering if anybody else is having the same problem.

I'm looking for a breakthrough. I THINK things instead of FEELING them and it's

making me anxious and depressed. I was hoping that I could have a good sit-down

conversation with my inner child, but I just don't seem to have one. I can't

find a part of myself that is hidden and needs protection. And I hate the idea

of just imagining some kid in my head who I can protect just because it's an

exercise a book recommends. It feels like they're encouraging multiple

personalities or something.

I'm not getting it. If someone has a good explanation or a similar experience,

please respond because I feel really weird about this.

[Guest guest]

Personally, I found that exercise to be really helpful. I can remember a thread

about it a few months back when I was still using my old username. Someone

asked a question very similar to yours and got some good responses from several

points of view.

Here it is if you're interested:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/125205

Sveta

>

> Does anybody find this theory to be completely ridiculous?

>

> I am not trying to diminish the fact that it can help some people. I just

don't get it and am wondering if anybody else is having the same problem.

>

> I'm looking for a breakthrough. I THINK things instead of FEELING them and

it's making me anxious and depressed. I was hoping that I could have a good

sit-down conversation with my inner child, but I just don't seem to have one. I

can't find a part of myself that is hidden and needs protection. And I hate the

idea of just imagining some kid in my head who I can protect just because it's

an exercise a book recommends. It feels like they're encouraging multiple

personalities or something.

>

> I'm not getting it. If someone has a good explanation or a similar

experience, please respond because I feel really weird about this.

>

[Guest guest]

You know what, I think I just figured this out.

I am the oldest and I am quite a bit older than my younger sibling, so I

actually had someone who I could stand up for and protect. It got me in trouble

a lot, but I still had someone I protected, so maybe this exercise just really

doesn't apply to me, since I might have worked through all this stuff with my

actual pet human (little sibling).

Who knows. The idea of putting this on another object or being got me realizing

that this didn't go down in a vacuum and that there were other people involved,

and my reaction to those other people affects how I now view this exercise.

I think...

> >

> > Does anybody find this theory to be completely ridiculous?

> >

> > I am not trying to diminish the fact that it can help some people. I just

don't get it and am wondering if anybody else is having the same problem.

> >

> > I'm looking for a breakthrough. I THINK things instead of FEELING them and

it's making me anxious and depressed. I was hoping that I could have a good

sit-down conversation with my inner child, but I just don't seem to have one. I

can't find a part of myself that is hidden and needs protection. And I hate the

idea of just imagining some kid in my head who I can protect just because it's

an exercise a book recommends. It feels like they're encouraging multiple

personalities or something.

> >

> > I'm not getting it. If someone has a good explanation or a similar

experience, please respond because I feel really weird about this.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Bink, and welcome to all the other new or newish members.

I myself have not done any " inner child " work, but probably some of the members

here have and can give you their experiences of it, whether it worked for them

or not.

Not every technique or therapy works equally well for every individual.

Sometimes we have to try things and see if they work for us or not, or rely on a

trusted therapist to suggest a therapy or technique that they think will help

us.

But I can relate to being dissociated from your feelings. That was my

survival/coping mechanism for enduring the traumatic emotional and physical

abuse I received throughout my growing up years. I have many clear, detailed

memories of being afraid of my mother's rage-tantrums, being shamed by her,

ignored by her, etc. but in order to function I became a kind of passive,

compliant robot-zombie kid. I learned to not react, not cry, not show anger,

not express preferences or tastes, likes or dislikes, not ask for help, not tell

mom if I was sick or if I hurt myself, and just be as blank and neutral as

possible, like an inanimate object. My little Sister on the other hand

completely dissociated even from her memories of our childhood, but in more

recent years she's been able to remember more and more traumatic incidents she

endured. She and I are able to corroborate each other's memories, most of the

time. Its very validating!

Therapy helps; the right therapist knows how to help those of us with

unprocessed, unresolved childhood trauma deal with it and get our feelings and

our memories back. The amnesia and cutting ourselves off from our feelings can

be a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder (or in our cases, complex-ptsd:

trauma of long duration, not just a single event) and ptsd is considered

treatable: it responds to both talk therapy and drug therapy.

The trick is to find the right therapist; us KOs need a therapist who

understands personality disorder and has experience treating the adult survivors

of childhood abuse by mentally ill, personality disorderd, or substance abusing

parents (the traumas and damage inflicted are similar.) Look for a therapist

with experience and success treating those with ptsd or child abuse survivors.

Anyway, welcome!

-Annie

>

> Does anybody find this theory to be completely ridiculous?

>

> I am not trying to diminish the fact that it can help some people. I just

don't get it and am wondering if anybody else is having the same problem.

>

> I'm looking for a breakthrough. I THINK things instead of FEELING them and

it's making me anxious and depressed. I was hoping that I could have a good

sit-down conversation with my inner child, but I just don't seem to have one. I

can't find a part of myself that is hidden and needs protection. And I hate the

idea of just imagining some kid in my head who I can protect just because it's

an exercise a book recommends. It feels like they're encouraging multiple

personalities or something.

>

> I'm not getting it. If someone has a good explanation or a similar

experience, please respond because I feel really weird about this.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Welcome to the Group, Bink, and welcome to all the other new or newish

members.

>

(I think bink has been here a really long time...unless there is somebody else

with the same alias.)

Good job finding an insight into why you're resistant to that exercise. I'm the

oldest, too, but I still found it helpful. There was nobody to save or protect

me when I was little, even though I already had lots of experience feeling

protective of my sister. The exercise helped me use the skills I'd learned by

caring for others my whole life to learn to acknowledge that my own pain and

feelings were real and important.

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me out of

hiding.

I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just couldn't figure

out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for pointing me to

that thread!

> >

> > Welcome to the Group, Bink, and welcome to all the other new or newish

members.

> >

>

>

> (I think bink has been here a really long time...unless there is somebody else

with the same alias.)

>

> Good job finding an insight into why you're resistant to that exercise. I'm

the oldest, too, but I still found it helpful. There was nobody to save or

protect me when I was little, even though I already had lots of experience

feeling protective of my sister. The exercise helped me use the skills I'd

learned by caring for others my whole life to learn to acknowledge that my own

pain and feelings were real and important.

>

[Guest guest]

Glad it was helpful!

>

> Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me out of

hiding.

>

> I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just couldn't figure

out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for pointing me to

that thread!

>

[Guest guest]

I " m still way turned off by the term " inner child, " but by reframing as an

" Id, " learning about the id, ego and superego and then finding a symbol of

my ID I was able to do the work. It really helped. Got a tattoo to prove it.

I remember you BINK!!!! How are ya?

>

>

> Glad it was helpful!

>

>

>

> >

> > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me out

> of hiding.

> >

> > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just couldn't

> figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for

> pointing me to that thread!

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm the same way. The term " inner child " irks me. I have been working on

" re-parenting " myself, which is really tough because you're not supposed to be

your own parent. It sucks. But it does think about it in more complex terms of

connecting with myself from the past, even if I was a very young self. I found a

picture of myself at 6 years old, and imagined that little girl standing in

front of me. I remembered all her pain and suffering. I knew exactly who she was

and how she felt. I thought about what I would do, and how I would treat her if

she was my child or even my little sister. Someone should have been there to

protect her, but no one was. And I know it sounds corny, but I promised her that

I wouldn't let all her pain and suffering be for nothing, and I wouldn't let it

continue, and that I would connect with her.

And as much as I hate all that " inner child " stuff, it somehow hit a really

strong nerve with me and I bawled like I had never cried in my life. For me,

this whole inner child thing is about connecting with who you were and digging

that child out of all the muck they went through so that you can move on.

Okay, this is really kind of cheesy, but have you seen those ghost movies where

the ghost is still hanging around because they have unfinished business, but

once you help them do it, they go to heaven? I sort of think of my " inner child "

that way. I have to help her confront the things that happened, so we both can

break free.

> > >

> > > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me out

> > of hiding.

> > >

> > > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just couldn't

> > figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for

> > pointing me to that thread!

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, Girlscout! Things are pretty good, which makes me all the more ready to

shake this shadow of depression and anxiety once and for all. Working on

creative stuff, doing things I like to do, hanging with people who I like and

who like me...good stuff. I hope you're doing well, too!

> > >

> > > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me out

> > of hiding.

> > >

> > > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just couldn't

> > figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for

> > pointing me to that thread!

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I guess this is the thing: I know what happened, and talking to myself as a

child in my head just feels like I'm talking to myself. Maybe I'm not the right

person to be nurturing to myself...

I don't have particularly negative self-talk going on, but all I can see myself

saying is, " Yep, it totally sucks and it has nothing to do with you. Someday

you'll be big and won't have to deal with this person anymore. "

After that, I'm completely lost.

> > > >

> > > > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me out

> > > of hiding.

> > > >

> > > > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just couldn't

> > > figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for

> > > pointing me to that thread!

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Well, not every technique works for everyone all the time? So don't feel

stressed that it doesn't work for you. Find what helps and do that. There is not

wrong or right way to heal yourself.

=)

> > > > >

> > > > > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me

out

> > > > of hiding.

> > > > >

> > > > > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just couldn't

> > > > figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for

> > > > pointing me to that thread!

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It's just such a prevailing theory and I don't want to miss what it has to

offer, but I think it's okay for me to just go, you know what? This isn't for

me. I'll find something else.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought me

out

> > > > > of hiding.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just

couldn't

> > > > > figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks for

> > > > > pointing me to that thread!

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I agree. I think what I miscommunicated early was that I felt very much the same

way, and I accidentally began to understand the whole inner child thing one day

when I was just remembering myself as a kid and wondering why no one protected

me or saved me.

So maybe the same thing will happen for you. You will learn what works for you.

I'll give you an example: I'm reading Codependent No More, and many times the

author talks about god and how god is there for us, blah, blah. Well, I don't

believe in god, so I just either try to relate that to what I do believe or

disregard it. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Don't stop healing

because you are turned off by one exercise.

I think it's totally fine for you to say: this isn't for me.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day brought

me out

> > > > > > of hiding.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just

couldn't

> > > > > > figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks

for

> > > > > > pointing me to that thread!

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

I'm in the same boat when it comes to believing in a higher being. I just can't

manage to do it. And I'm getting tired of hearing how horrible people think

atheists are, like they couldn't do any good even if they tried. Grrr... If

you talked about a religious group like that, you'd get in major trouble, but

it's okay to talk about atheists like that. Makes me very angry.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Yeah, I'm an old-timer, mostly a lurker now. Mother's day

brought me out

> > > > > > > of hiding.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I knew there had to be something to this exercise, but I just

couldn't

> > > > > > > figure out what it was, and now it makes a lot more sense. Thanks

for

> > > > > > > pointing me to that thread!

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

Funny to read this, as I was going to say:

Starting inner child work for me was a lot like resolving the higher power issue

in 12-step: The idea of some omnipotent authority figure is just bs to me. I

have been failed by authority figures my whole life, there is no way I am

accepting another one as an all powerful figure that lets horrible things happen

to the helpless.

My spirituality comes from the majesty of nature, where there is mostly only joy

& beauty. Any cruelty is not intended, only fate.

Deciding to take ownership and the responsibility to parent your inner child is

a place we all have to come to in our own time, our own way. I have been able to

integrate the 14 year old me, the 3 year old, I have forgiven the 17 year old,

but I haven't quite been able to work the 10 year old yet. I think the 10 year

finally realized mom hated her, and still hasn't gotten over the shock of it

yet, or the hope that somehow she is wrong, or trying to figure out why she is

so unlovable.

I think it all starts with loving and accepting yourself, because we are all

deserving of unconditional love.

[Guest guest]

As an agnostic I struggle back and forth, back and forth, with the whole idea of

deity, but like you I do take comfort in the beauty and grandeur of the natural

landscapes of the earth, although I personally find the natural order of the

animal world to be shockingly cruel.

I can't even watch programs like " Meerkat Manor " . I was enjoying an episode

that wound up including an incident in which one meerkat (who had been recently

replaced as the " alpha " female) had given birth, then left her newborns to go

forage for food. A young pregnant female who was the daughter of the new

" alpha " female sought out the not-well-hidden den, went inside, and killed and

ate all the newborns. The sight of the one, bloody little paw that was all that

was left of the litter upset me.

(And when I found out that wild chimpanzees are capable of murder, cannibalism,

and war, I found that upsetting too.)

So it seems to me that both animals and human beings can be incredibly cruel to

each other.

I'm hoping on a very deep level that there IS some higher power out there and

that all this chaos and cruelty somehow makes sense, but, in the workings of

nature and the sometimes deliberate sadism of the human animal and the wanton,

random destruction of the innocent, I don't see much evidence of it.

-Annie

>

> Funny to read this, as I was going to say:

>

> Starting inner child work for me was a lot like resolving the higher power

issue in 12-step: The idea of some omnipotent authority figure is just bs to me.

I have been failed by authority figures my whole life, there is no way I am

accepting another one as an all powerful figure that lets horrible things happen

to the helpless.

>

> My spirituality comes from the majesty of nature, where there is mostly only

joy & beauty. Any cruelty is not intended, only fate.

>

> Deciding to take ownership and the responsibility to parent your inner child

is a place we all have to come to in our own time, our own way. I have been able

to integrate the 14 year old me, the 3 year old, I have forgiven the 17 year

old, but I haven't quite been able to work the 10 year old yet. I think the 10

year finally realized mom hated her, and still hasn't gotten over the shock of

it yet, or the hope that somehow she is wrong, or trying to figure out why she

is so unlovable.

>

> I think it all starts with loving and accepting yourself, because we are all

deserving of unconditional love.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm with you Annie - I hate those nature shows. My dogs dig them though,

they go crazy when they hear the animal noises. I like to just pretend that

people and animals love each other - but they really dont.

On Tue, May 10, 2011 at 10:51 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> As an agnostic I struggle back and forth, back and forth, with the whole

> idea of deity, but like you I do take comfort in the beauty and grandeur of

> the natural landscapes of the earth, although I personally find the natural

> order of the animal world to be shockingly cruel.

>

> I can't even watch programs like " Meerkat Manor " . I was enjoying an episode

> that wound up including an incident in which one meerkat (who had been

> recently replaced as the " alpha " female) had given birth, then left her

> newborns to go forage for food. A young pregnant female who was the daughter

> of the new " alpha " female sought out the not-well-hidden den, went inside,

> and killed and ate all the newborns. The sight of the one, bloody little paw

> that was all that was left of the litter upset me.

>

> (And when I found out that wild chimpanzees are capable of murder,

> cannibalism, and war, I found that upsetting too.)

>

> So it seems to me that both animals and human beings can be incredibly

> cruel to each other.

>

> I'm hoping on a very deep level that there IS some higher power out there

> and that all this chaos and cruelty somehow makes sense, but, in the

> workings of nature and the sometimes deliberate sadism of the human animal

> and the wanton, random destruction of the innocent, I don't see much

> evidence of it.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Funny to read this, as I was going to say:

> >

> > Starting inner child work for me was a lot like resolving the higher

> power issue in 12-step: The idea of some omnipotent authority figure is just

> bs to me. I have been failed by authority figures my whole life, there is no

> way I am accepting another one as an all powerful figure that lets horrible

> things happen to the helpless.

> >

> > My spirituality comes from the majesty of nature, where there is mostly

> only joy & beauty. Any cruelty is not intended, only fate.

> >

> > Deciding to take ownership and the responsibility to parent your inner

> child is a place we all have to come to in our own time, our own way. I have

> been able to integrate the 14 year old me, the 3 year old, I have forgiven

> the 17 year old, but I haven't quite been able to work the 10 year old yet.

> I think the 10 year finally realized mom hated her, and still hasn't gotten

> over the shock of it yet, or the hope that somehow she is wrong, or trying

> to figure out why she is so unlovable.

> >

> > I think it all starts with loving and accepting yourself, because we are

> all deserving of unconditional love.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Some one once told me that it wasn't so much you had to believe in god or a

supreme being, but merely to give up the delusion that we can control

everything. That we only have power over ourselves and can only control how we

choose to react to what happens. That made a lot of sense to me.

It's not that someone else has control, it's just that the control you have is

only over you.

>

> Funny to read this, as I was going to say:

>

> Starting inner child work for me was a lot like resolving the higher power

issue in 12-step: The idea of some omnipotent authority figure is just bs to me.

I have been failed by authority figures my whole life, there is no way I am

accepting another one as an all powerful figure that lets horrible things happen

to the helpless.

>

> My spirituality comes from the majesty of nature, where there is mostly only

joy & beauty. Any cruelty is not intended, only fate.

>

> Deciding to take ownership and the responsibility to parent your inner child

is a place we all have to come to in our own time, our own way. I have been able

to integrate the 14 year old me, the 3 year old, I have forgiven the 17 year

old, but I haven't quite been able to work the 10 year old yet. I think the 10

year finally realized mom hated her, and still hasn't gotten over the shock of

it yet, or the hope that somehow she is wrong, or trying to figure out why she

is so unlovable.

>

> I think it all starts with loving and accepting yourself, because we are all

deserving of unconditional love.

>