Talking to mom about bpd dad

[Guest guest]

I'm going to be moving away from home about a month from now.

I have a dad with bpd (undiagnosed), and a mom who is one of the sweetest people

on earth, but rarely stands up to dad.

Dad is just getting worse and worse. I so badly want something to change, and I

am hoping that if I talk to mom about it she would at least do something. I just

don't see how she can watch me go through his verbally abusive phone calls and

the intimidating environment he creates at home. I don't see how she, herself,

can live with it day after day, and how she'll keep putting herself through it

all alone after I move out.

I want to talk to her and tell her something is wrong. She may have a slight

idea that something is wrong with him, and many people (family included, his

parents included) have told her something's up with him. I feel like if I tell

her, she might just listen. She might just stand up for me every now and then

and really push for change if her own daughter is telling her how hurt she is.

Has anyone else confronted a non-bpd parent about the other parent's possible

bpd? How did you do it? What were the circumstances? I'm thinking of bringing

this up after I move out, so that I feel safe and there is physical distance if

fada gets angry about me talking to mom about this (assuming he finds out). I

don't want to just sit here and hope that things change (and I'm well aware they

may never), but I want to be able to assert my own voice when I am hurting, and

my mom is willing to listen.

[Guest guest]

Let's just say I understand this hope you have that you can save your mother and

get her to see the light.

Tried this with my en-Dad. Several times. Finally figured out he's married to

my mother and puts up with her s*** because he wants to be. He is never going

to be my ally. He doesn't want to understand.

You can't change your mother. You won't be able to save her. She's with your

father and has stayed with him all these years because she wants to be. If she

ever wakes up on her own, I'm sure she'll appreciate your support. But that's

not likely to happen.

Trying to explain the way things really are to people who are invested in

delusion and dysfunction is futile. And, it's co-dependent. It's not your job

to fix your mother, or your father, or any of your FOO. You will likely find

yourself met with lots of FOG and invalidation when you try.

I've been on this board for years and years and have never once heard someone

say that trying to talk to the non-parent has actually worked (at least none

that are still married to the BP).

Sveta

>

> I'm going to be moving away from home about a month from now.

>

> I have a dad with bpd (undiagnosed), and a mom who is one of the sweetest

people on earth, but rarely stands up to dad.

>

> Dad is just getting worse and worse. I so badly want something to change, and

I am hoping that if I talk to mom about it she would at least do something. I

just don't see how she can watch me go through his verbally abusive phone calls

and the intimidating environment he creates at home. I don't see how she,

herself, can live with it day after day, and how she'll keep putting herself

through it all alone after I move out.

>

> I want to talk to her and tell her something is wrong. She may have a slight

idea that something is wrong with him, and many people (family included, his

parents included) have told her something's up with him. I feel like if I tell

her, she might just listen. She might just stand up for me every now and then

and really push for change if her own daughter is telling her how hurt she is.

>

> Has anyone else confronted a non-bpd parent about the other parent's possible

bpd? How did you do it? What were the circumstances? I'm thinking of bringing

this up after I move out, so that I feel safe and there is physical distance if

fada gets angry about me talking to mom about this (assuming he finds out). I

don't want to just sit here and hope that things change (and I'm well aware they

may never), but I want to be able to assert my own voice when I am hurting, and

my mom is willing to listen.

>

[Guest guest]

It seems to me that hoping your mother is going to see the light

at this late date is probably wishful thinking. She's lived with

his behavior for how many years? She has to know something is

wrong. You don't stay married to and living with someone with

BPD for long enough to raise a child to adulthood and not know

that something is wrong with your partner. If she's chosen to

ignore that, and let him be abusive towards herself and towards

you, she has reasons for choosing to do so. If she didn't take

steps to defend you when you were a defenseless child, it seems

unlikely that she'll defend you now that you're an adult. What

reason do you have to think that anything you say is going to

change that? SHE has to actively WANT to change things. That's

something that needs to come from within her.

I wish you good luck if you decide to talk to her about it, but

please don't invest much hope in the idea that you'll see any

significant change.

At 09:11 PM 05/09/2011 newlife9871 wrote:

>I'm going to be moving away from home about a month from now.

>

>I have a dad with bpd (undiagnosed), and a mom who is one of

>the sweetest people on earth, but rarely stands up to dad.

>

>Dad is just getting worse and worse. I so badly want something

>to change, and I am hoping that if I talk to mom about it she

>would at least do something. I just don't see how she can watch

>me go through his verbally abusive phone calls and the

>intimidating environment he creates at home. I don't see how

>she, herself, can live with it day after day, and how she'll

>keep putting herself through it all alone after I move out.

>

>I want to talk to her and tell her something is wrong. She may

>have a slight idea that something is wrong with him, and many

>people (family included, his parents included) have told her

>something's up with him. I feel like if I tell her, she might

>just listen. She might just stand up for me every now and then

>and really push for change if her own daughter is telling her

>how hurt she is.

>

>Has anyone else confronted a non-bpd parent about the other

>parent's possible bpd? How did you do it? What were the

>circumstances? I'm thinking of bringing this up after I move

>out, so that I feel safe and there is physical distance if fada

>gets angry about me talking to mom about this (assuming he

>finds out). I don't want to just sit here and hope that things

>change (and I'm well aware they may never), but I want to be

>able to assert my own voice when I am hurting, and my mom is

>willing to listen.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Its hard to accept that we only have the power to change ourselves, we do NOT

have the power to change other people. We just don't!

All you really CAN do is to offer your mother your sympathy. But its not your

job to rescue her. She is an adult and she has the power to rescue herself if

she wants to.

Your mother is *actively choosing* to remain in an unhealthy, toxic marriage.

She has the ability to make boundaries for herself (rules about what behaviors

of his she will or will not tolerate) and she has the option to leave him, she

just doesn't want to.

She chooses to back away and save herself when he is abusing you, as well; she's

throwing you under the bus to save herself. She is not a helpless, powerless

victim, she is a participant, an enabler of his abusive behaviors. She just

doesn't want to be assertive and stand up to him when he's being abusive, either

toward you or toward herself. So, your parents have their little dysfunctional

dance that they do with each other. That's fine, they're adults. But in my

opinion its unconscionable to bring a child into such a toxic, destructive,

negative, dysfunctional relationship and subject the child to abuse and

emotional damage.

My suggestion is that you check out books about overcoming co-dependency, such

as " Co-Dependent No More " . Co-dependency is feeling inappropriately responsible

for other adults' feelings, well-being and happiness. Feeling like you need to

or ought to rescue your mother is a co-dependent feeling: its inappropriate.

Maybe let your mom read the book when you're done with it.

-Annie

>

> I'm going to be moving away from home about a month from now.

>

> I have a dad with bpd (undiagnosed), and a mom who is one of the sweetest

people on earth, but rarely stands up to dad.

>

> Dad is just getting worse and worse. I so badly want something to change, and

I am hoping that if I talk to mom about it she would at least do something. I

just don't see how she can watch me go through his verbally abusive phone calls

and the intimidating environment he creates at home. I don't see how she,

herself, can live with it day after day, and how she'll keep putting herself

through it all alone after I move out.

>

> I want to talk to her and tell her something is wrong. She may have a slight

idea that something is wrong with him, and many people (family included, his

parents included) have told her something's up with him. I feel like if I tell

her, she might just listen. She might just stand up for me every now and then

and really push for change if her own daughter is telling her how hurt she is.

>

> Has anyone else confronted a non-bpd parent about the other parent's possible

bpd? How did you do it? What were the circumstances? I'm thinking of bringing

this up after I move out, so that I feel safe and there is physical distance if

fada gets angry about me talking to mom about this (assuming he finds out). I

don't want to just sit here and hope that things change (and I'm well aware they

may never), but I want to be able to assert my own voice when I am hurting, and

my mom is willing to listen.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Sveta. I mean, definitely try talking to your mom, but it's not

likely that she'll do anything proactive if she hasn't already after so many

years, you know? I hate to be a Debbie Downer...

For me, I was doing so well in not getting into the triangulation that since my

father died a few years ago, had grown even more intense between my brother,

mother, and me.

The other day, my brother was, as usual, complaining about our mother's frequent

calls (3-5 a day). As of late, the last 3 years, I have been in therapy, and

have refused to try to convince him that something is wrong with her and that

she seriously needs help. He just tut-tuts me.

Last week, I dunno what was wrong with me; I gave in and began trying to help

him see....I could hear his silence and then his " I know, but that's how Mom

iiiiiis.... " I felt so dumb trying to do - again - what is undoable. He will

need to see it for himself and maybe never will.

I know it's not the same as a parental situation, but the creepy part is, she

treats him like her surrogate husband.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through at home but just take care of

yourself. Do what you need to do for your own sanity and emotional health. You

and your mom are both drowning but she may be weighing you down, so to speak, if

she doesn't want help or doesn't think she needs it.

> >

> > I'm going to be moving away from home about a month from now.

> >

> > I have a dad with bpd (undiagnosed), and a mom who is one of the sweetest

people on earth, but rarely stands up to dad.

> >

> > Dad is just getting worse and worse. I so badly want something to change,

and I am hoping that if I talk to mom about it she would at least do something.

I just don't see how she can watch me go through his verbally abusive phone

calls and the intimidating environment he creates at home. I don't see how she,

herself, can live with it day after day, and how she'll keep putting herself

through it all alone after I move out.

> >

> > I want to talk to her and tell her something is wrong. She may have a slight

idea that something is wrong with him, and many people (family included, his

parents included) have told her something's up with him. I feel like if I tell

her, she might just listen. She might just stand up for me every now and then

and really push for change if her own daughter is telling her how hurt she is.

> >

> > Has anyone else confronted a non-bpd parent about the other parent's

possible bpd? How did you do it? What were the circumstances? I'm thinking of

bringing this up after I move out, so that I feel safe and there is physical

distance if fada gets angry about me talking to mom about this (assuming he

finds out). I don't want to just sit here and hope that things change (and I'm

well aware they may never), but I want to be able to assert my own voice when I

am hurting, and my mom is willing to listen.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My mom is the BPD, undiagnosed. Years ago, my father talked about leaving my

mom. He complained to all of us. When we all got on board and had his back, he

curled back into mom, leaving all of us swinging in the wind to face her wrath.

Years later I (the golden child) ended up head to head with Mom (she demonizes

whoever she is angry). When the inevitable blow up happened, my dad told me

unequivocally that she is his wife and his stand must be with her. I told him I

had no argument with him, but that didn't matter to him.

Only you can judge how your mother might receive such a conversation from you.

But you need to keep in mind that you may lose that parent, too.

I can live with the fact my father choses to live with an abusive witch that

treats him like a whipped dog and is bent on destroying all her close

relationships. However it nearly killed me to find out his love for me wasn't

unconditional--I had to be getting along with HER in order to receive it.

>

> Has anyone else confronted a non-bpd parent about the other parent's possible

bpd? How did you do it? What were the circumstances?