Guest guest Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 My first thought is - be careful! I totally understand how powerful the need to have that relationship is as I struggle with it too. But when guns and death threats are involved please only meet her in public places...with metal detectors if possible? I don't know if this will help you but an idea I'm working with is that my nada is my *relative* and it's time to relate to her as a relative, not " my mother " , but a relative. Since she can't be a mother to me and I can't be a daughter to her in the way that she wants...there leaves the question of how to relate that is sane. It's helping to me to try to remove all the big cultural m-o-t-h-e-r stuff even though I am still sad over M-Day. So how would you deal with a (non-parent) relative who could be violent but you still care about? > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 I wish I had a thoughtful, zen-like, philosophical answer for you, but I am completely freaked out by your statement that YOUR MOTHER HAS FIRED A FREAKING GUN IN YOUR DIRECTION MORE THAN ONCE!!! ....AND SHE HAS FOUND YOU AGAIN!!! If someone who *has tried to kill me* found me again, I think I would be a complete basket case of fear and scrambling into action. You sound eerily detached and passive about this, to me. I could be wrong, or totally not getting where you're coming from, but is it possible that this is your coping mechanism: to just go numb and limp and not feel the fear? I hope you will consult with a lawyer ASAP about getting a restraining order taken out against your mother, and if she shows up within a ten-mile radius of you, have her arrested. SHE HAS FIRED A GUN AT YOU. She may be all perky and cheerful because she has figured out where you live and is happily contemplating blowing half your skull off and taking your daughter away to live with her! Maybe THAT is what is making her all chatty and upbeat! In my opinion, you need a lawyer AND a bodyguard ASAP, or you need to disappear/relocate again. Or both. People who, oh, just sort of fire guns in my direction (more than once) tend to scare the crap out of me! -Annie > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Okay Annie, now I feel like I didn't freak out enough in my response! Yes, it is very serious - I hope mostitsmychi takes every precaution for her and her family's safety. In her shoes I would be very scared. > > I wish I had a thoughtful, zen-like, philosophical answer for you, but I am completely freaked out by your statement that YOUR MOTHER HAS FIRED A FREAKING GUN IN YOUR DIRECTION MORE THAN ONCE!!! > > ...AND SHE HAS FOUND YOU AGAIN!!! > > If someone who *has tried to kill me* found me again, I think I would be a complete basket case of fear and scrambling into action. > > You sound eerily detached and passive about this, to me. I could be wrong, or totally not getting where you're coming from, but is it possible that this is your coping mechanism: to just go numb and limp and not feel the fear? > > I hope you will consult with a lawyer ASAP about getting a restraining order taken out against your mother, and if she shows up within a ten-mile radius of you, have her arrested. SHE HAS FIRED A GUN AT YOU. She may be all perky and cheerful because she has figured out where you live and is happily contemplating blowing half your skull off and taking your daughter away to live with her! Maybe THAT is what is making her all chatty and upbeat! > > In my opinion, you need a lawyer AND a bodyguard ASAP, or you need to disappear/relocate again. Or both. > > People who, oh, just sort of fire guns in my direction (more than once) tend to scare the crap out of me! > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Agreed - restraining order, cops, full extent of the law. I'm glad she only has the e-mail, and not the home address. but we all know an e-mail can be all it takes to trigger a downward spiral. On Tue, May 10, 2011 at 12:51 AM, climberkayak wrote: > > > Okay Annie, now I feel like I didn't freak out enough in my response! Yes, > it is very serious - I hope mostitsmychi takes every precaution for her and > her family's safety. In her shoes I would be very scared. > > > > > > > > > I wish I had a thoughtful, zen-like, philosophical answer for you, but I > am completely freaked out by your statement that YOUR MOTHER HAS FIRED A > FREAKING GUN IN YOUR DIRECTION MORE THAN ONCE!!! > > > > ...AND SHE HAS FOUND YOU AGAIN!!! > > > > If someone who *has tried to kill me* found me again, I think I would be > a complete basket case of fear and scrambling into action. > > > > You sound eerily detached and passive about this, to me. I could be > wrong, or totally not getting where you're coming from, but is it possible > that this is your coping mechanism: to just go numb and limp and not feel > the fear? > > > > I hope you will consult with a lawyer ASAP about getting a restraining > order taken out against your mother, and if she shows up within a ten-mile > radius of you, have her arrested. SHE HAS FIRED A GUN AT YOU. She may be all > perky and cheerful because she has figured out where you live and is happily > contemplating blowing half your skull off and taking your daughter away to > live with her! Maybe THAT is what is making her all chatty and upbeat! > > > > In my opinion, you need a lawyer AND a bodyguard ASAP, or you need to > disappear/relocate again. Or both. > > > > People who, oh, just sort of fire guns in my direction (more than once) > tend to scare the crap out of me! > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Annie articulated it very well...I felt the same, like you should be more in a " running for the hills " mode. But I might be reading into your post (I apologize if I have). This is a situation that screams " law enforcement. " Please stay safe. > > > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 , I am in your situation and would love to hear more about how you are working this 'relative' thing. Does nada know? How does that work - but is better left for another thread. mostlyitsmychi, As much as I would like to take 's zen like approach I agree with Annie - run for the hills and dont slow down. Your choice could literaly mean the diffrence between life and death. No precaution is too great. You are a Mother and you need to protect your self and chil(ren) both physiacly and emotionaly. Good luck! > > > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 This sounds TERRIFYING. Protect your family. Get the police involved. Your mom probably isn't going to give up now that she has found this small link to you... > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Here! Here! > > > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Annie, It may or may not matter that the times in my life where my mother fired guns in my direction (not directly *at* me as in missing, but in my direction meaning at the wall behind me, which wouldn't matter so much if she were any other mother, but it matters with mine who is an expert shot, justification, blah blah) happened when I was a teenager and a couple of times earlier in life. It's been sixteen years since she's done this to me. Since then, her physical aggression and any acts of violence have been directed at husbands and occasionally a niece or random so-and-so. Still, I know the extent of her disease and I never take a threat lightly, high dramatics or no. I attempted to get a restraining order two years ago, but in the state in which I live, she would have had to actually do something more substantial than threaten for the judge to put the mark on her already growing record. I absolutely hear you, and thank you for speaking to me in the voice I'd normally use to rattle myself, or anyone I knew to have a parent like we have. I also hear myself maybe rationalizing when I say that she lives states away, is about to live the entire nation away, and still and will continue to have no idea where I'm living (she's asked, not telling) and this time I've been able to do something I never have before. I didn't allow her to gloss over everything that happened. I told her that if I was ever going to speak with her again it would only be honestly. I said that there were so many things that had happened that I could never forget, and although we didn't have to speak of them again (I don't wish to), I wouldn't pretend they didn't live around us like ghosts. I don't believe that I'm detached or passive in any way. In fact, I was feeling emotional and contemplative when I wrote my post. And I was seriously thinking about where forgiveness and redemption lie. I want to be able to forgive my mother, not for her sake, but for my own. The ways that PTSD have affected my relationships, my career, my parenting, it aches in me so much. I've experienced conversion disorder because of my experiences with my mother and the toll stress takes on my adrenals. If you don't know what conversion disorder is, look it up! I was experiencing sudden paralysis! Crazy and very frightening. It basically stole my life from me for the better part of two years. Thank y'all so much for your concern, and for all the ways in which you share my story. I appreciate most especially the fact that you have been where I've been or am and because of that your words matter most. > > > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 > > I also hear myself maybe rationalizing when I say that she lives states away, is about to live the entire nation away, and still and will continue to have no idea where I'm living (she's asked, not telling) and this time I've been able to do something I never have before. Hi , please know that if she can use a computer and unless you have taken extraordinary steps she can find all your information easily on the internet for free. Check out ussearch(dot)com, intelius(dot)com, or spokeo(dot)com. I work constantly to keep my information off of these and it still returns every few months even though I have everything unlisted. Be safe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 I'm sorry if I overreacted, but in my world view/life experience, if ANYone deliberately pointed a gun *in my direction* and *fired it at the wall beside me *even just ONCE*, I would never see or speak to that person ever again. Ever. Period. And she'd find herself arrested so fast it would make her head spin. As a minor child we have no power and no options, but if someone did that to me as an adult, oh, brother, you can bet good money that I'd get the best lawyer I could afford and deal with it, and how. I would interpret such behavior as indicating that the individual is very severely and dangerously insane. Dangerously mentally ill. The fact that a judge didn't see it that way makes me think that the judge must be legally insane also, or maybe you had a crappy lawyer. I'd keep fighting this with every legal means possible. Your mother should be locked up for the things she did, and the violence she continues to inflict. It amazes me that she isn't behind bars already! What she did to you (more than once!) is a deliberate, overt intimidation tactic, intended to scare the crap out of the " target " and threaten them by demonstrating what will very likely happen to them " the next time. " Its what gangsters and terrorists do to terrify their victims into being silent and obedient. I truly believe that it indicates psychopathy, which is indeed very, very dangerous. If similar terrifying, life-threatening intimidation is what you experienced from your nada off and on throughout your growing-up years and into adulthood, and if she's still violent and belligerent to your husband/other people, then, you have my heartfelt pity and compassion. Such an individual should not be free to come and go as she pleases: she is a danger to the community and probably to herself as well. Me personally, I could not even begin to address the issue of forgiveness until well after the very real danger has passed. You have your family's safety to think about as well as your own. Holy Freaking Cow! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such a situation. I hope it all works out so that you finally do have real peace and safety for you and your family. -Annie > > > > > > Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address. > > > > > > But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled with news about some positive changes she's made. > > > > > > I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the next? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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