After No Contact

[Guest guest]

Almost two-and-a-half years ago, I tried to make my life an impenetrable

fortress. I'd had my mother ( " nada " is more appropriate but it's just too harsh

to my ears) committed for maybe the dozenth time. She was psychotic and had

called me vowing that if anyone came near, she'd shoot them. It took five

police officers to restrain her; she does not weigh 100 pounds. After the

requisite 72-hour hold she vowed to take revenge on me but this time, she also

threatened my daughter's life. My mother has fired a gun in my direction more

than once and I wasn't taking chances with my own child. When I found myself

giving her photo to my daughter's school, I realized enough was enough. I

moved, changed my numbers, deleted my e-mail address.

But somehow she found me. Friday before Mother's Day I was actually thinking

about her when I opened my inbox and discovered an e-mail she'd written. I

don't know how she got my address. Her message ignored the fact that I'd

effectively erased her for two years and was cheery and self-involved but filled

with news about some positive changes she's made.

I'd told myself that if she ever found me I would not let her in, but it didn't

take long before I broke my own promise to myself and one all of your posts have

validated for so long. My mother isn't well, and I know she never will be. But

there's a child in me who will always want a relationship with the imaginary

mother my mother wants to be. I don't know when or whether the grown up I am

will ever heal and recognize finally and for good that putting myself in her

path may be more destructive than either she or I can bare. I also don't know

where redemption and forgiveness lie in all this. Do their healing powers come

only from trying to have a relationship, or from gently recognizing that some

things are not possible in one lifetime and having the patience of mind and

heart it takes to allow a soul a long enough journey to get it right in the

next?