Letter to Mother

[Guest guest]

After the mother's day bruhaha, I decided to put my feelings about her continued

cold shoulder/victim playing and my interests for her in black and white. I

really don't care if she answers me--she'll twist it her way anyway. But I

needed to say it, if only for my own knowledge I am not like her (yes, the last

line is a bit of a stretch, but I'm willing to work on it ;-) )

Dear Mother,

Let me begin by saying my vision of Family: it is loving, patient and caring.

It is not the dumping ground of grievances.

As it became clear to me in the past 1+ year that you were carrying anger

towards me, I (1st) tried to surface the anger and (2nd) tried to maintain

normal relations, hoping it would work itself through.

After the Calgary trip, it became obvious you were very uncomfortable in my home

and so I stopped asking you to come over and visit.

I have tried to keep the communication lines open by calling you once a month

to: 1) leave the door open to you should you need me; 2) try to make it clear to

you that I do not bear you any ill will; and 3) I've been ever hopeful that in

time your anger would diminish.

I had hoped this would just burn out. But this has apparently snowballed into

something much larger, darker and beyond my understanding. This makes me very

sad.

Once many years ago I met with you to discuss our grievances, that meeting ended

with our family blowing up. I fear any meet with you at this point will produce

the same effect. I am not the same person that walked into that meeting years

ago, burning with a desire to get you to validate me: I have no desire to walk

that path again. I have no wish to hurt you. Yes, I am fearful, and for that

reason I refuse to walk into that conversation. I will not discuss Calgary with

you.

Yes, I am very sad about this. I miss my mother, my friend, and I miss my

father. But I feel caught in this situation of damned if I do and damned if I

don't.

Please know you will always have my love, and should you decide to set aside

your grievances and work on functioning as a family again I will happily welcome

you into my arms.

[Guest guest]

What a truly lovely, compassionate, rational, and yet assertive letter. Very

well written and expressed, in my opinion. Unfortunately, also in my opinion it

will probably be interpreted by your mother as an attack/condemnation of her,

and will not have the positive results you are hoping for. But it is a

remarkable and heartfelt letter; your sincerity is very open and obvious to me,

and I admire you for writing it.

-Annie

>

> After the mother's day bruhaha, I decided to put my feelings about her

continued cold shoulder/victim playing and my interests for her in black and

white. I really don't care if she answers me--she'll twist it her way anyway.

But I needed to say it, if only for my own knowledge I am not like her (yes, the

last line is a bit of a stretch, but I'm willing to work on it ;-) )

>

>

> Dear Mother,

> Let me begin by saying my vision of Family: it is loving, patient and caring.

It is not the dumping ground of grievances.

>

> As it became clear to me in the past 1+ year that you were carrying anger

towards me, I (1st) tried to surface the anger and (2nd) tried to maintain

normal relations, hoping it would work itself through.

>

> After the Calgary trip, it became obvious you were very uncomfortable in my

home and so I stopped asking you to come over and visit.

>

> I have tried to keep the communication lines open by calling you once a month

to: 1) leave the door open to you should you need me; 2) try to make it clear to

you that I do not bear you any ill will; and 3) I've been ever hopeful that in

time your anger would diminish.

>

> I had hoped this would just burn out. But this has apparently snowballed into

something much larger, darker and beyond my understanding. This makes me very

sad.

>

> Once many years ago I met with you to discuss our grievances, that meeting

ended with our family blowing up. I fear any meet with you at this point will

produce the same effect. I am not the same person that walked into that meeting

years ago, burning with a desire to get you to validate me: I have no desire to

walk that path again. I have no wish to hurt you. Yes, I am fearful, and for

that reason I refuse to walk into that conversation. I will not discuss Calgary

with you.

>

> Yes, I am very sad about this. I miss my mother, my friend, and I miss my

father. But I feel caught in this situation of damned if I do and damned if I

don't.

>

> Please know you will always have my love, and should you decide to set aside

your grievances and work on functioning as a family again I will happily welcome

you into my arms.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Annie!

I know~~but I needed to write it for me. Through this whole last round of nada

being activated, I have tried to give her space. I haven't made demands, I've

just let her stew.

Since the Mother's Day ambush it is apparent she is just going to keep pushing

at me until she hits the right switch and I explode.

<Unfortunately, also in my opinion it will probably be interpreted by your

mother as an attack/condemnation of her, and will not have the positive results

you are hoping for. -Annie

>

>