How does a PyschD know their client has BPD?

[Guest guest]

My brother and father definitely participated in destroying me, and I can't say

I am over that yet. But I do recognize that they were victims as well. It's

really good to have my reality confirmed. Thanks for writing.

> For most of my childhood, until my eldest brother had kids, I was the golden

child too. It was misery and hell on earth. The expectations that are set on

you, and you can never live up to them. And what sucks is that I am a high

achiever, but thanks to nada, I can't even recognize my own accomplishments or

take joy in them. Although I am learning to do so now.

>

> But what's worse is the shame and regret I feel knowing that as the golden

child, part of how I protected myself was by participating with nada in

destroying my brothers. It's like being brainwashed, and at the same time,

knowing you are doing it because if you don't, she will turn on you, and that's

even worse.

>

> It's just so warped what they do to us. I wish that things had been different

for me and my brothers, but at least I am aware now of what was going on and we

can rebuild our relationships.

>

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> > > > > > > Oh my gosh, ...I saw a therapist a few years ago too...and

was

> > > > > > > completely relieved that he said I wasn't BPD. He said the biggest

clue for

> > > > > > > him was the mere fact that I was worried that I might be BPD.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I guess this is common? Do we all do this?

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[Guest guest]

Hi Annie, I totally agree these people should not be allowed to raise children -

it's just wrong. Not only for the suffering in childhood but all the after

effects in the decades after childhood. It's just crazy.

About her moving your *heavy* furniture, lol! I guess she was really

determined...maybe that's why furniture moving is such a marker because it's

hard work and it invades/marks other people's space. I hear you about the dread

and privacy concerns - that I still have - one reason I only go there and never

invite them here.

>

> Yes, nada did that to me while she was visiting me at my house, and to her

sister/my Aunt at my Aunt's house as well. And I bet if I ask my Sister she'll

say our nada did the same thing to her as well, or tried to. (Sister, the poor

little family scapegoat when we were growing up, learned to stand up on her hind

legs and buck back hard to stop nada's domineering earlier than I did. My baby

Sister don't take no crap from nobody no more... so to speak.)

>

> My nada has always been very bossy, demanding and domineering toward me my

whole life, and yet I was still surprised when she did the furniture-rearranging

thing. I would have thought my stuff was too heavy for her to mess with, for

one thing, but... I was wrong again!

>

> I used to really dread nada's visits, because it meant nada feeling entitled

to go snooping through all my drawers and boxes and closets, fish around for

personal papers and items I intended to be private. She was also fishing for

just general stuff of mine that she liked; if she found a purse or a blouse or

something she liked she would then ask me if she could have it, and back then

I'd just say " sure " to keep her happy and avoid a tantrum. I can't even tell

you how many vacations and visits with my parents, either at their place or at

mine, have been ruined by nada drama.

>

> Wow, I haven't even thought about the whole " dreading visits " thing in so

long! I would usually wind up physically ill toward the end of any

visit/vacation with my mother, just from the stress, probably.

>

> Some of her behaviors are at a two-to-four-year-old child's level and while

annoying at least they aren't vicious; and yet other behaviors of hers are SO

calculated and malicious, SO sadistic, its got to be coming from an adult's mind

but its just so freaking... evil and creepy. It really is Jekyll-and-Hyde-like:

the good/evil behaviors switching back and forth, back and forth.

>

> Children really should not be subjected to the daily mind-f**king that my

Sister and I were subjected to. Its just cruel.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Judy, I do that too. I got a little too good at omitting things and slanting

what I say to keep things comfortable, going smoothly. But like you say these

were SURVIVAL mechanisms. Now the trick is to know when it's safe to be direct

with people who won't go crazy on us.

>

> LOL! I think I have more rational conversations with my 3 and 4 year old

daughters sometimes than I do with my 55 year old mother. I have actually tried

the techniques laid out in the book " How to Talk so kids will Listen and Listen

so Kids will Talk " on my mother - this is the book that the girls' preschool

uses as their " bible " so to speak.

>

> Not only do I worry that I am BPD like my mom; but when dealing with my mom or

about my mom, I've caught myself re-arranging the truth or leaving pieces of

stories out (like my mom does ALL the time) because I am terrified that people

won't understand or my mom will have a tantrum. It's a defense mechanism that I

guess I learned. But it freaks me out...here's what happens in my head:

>

> " Oh my gosh, you totally just lied about that. You must be BPD like mom....No,

you're not. You are just trying to avoid conflict, that's how you've learned to

survive. Plus, you've seen a therapist. He was so sure that you weren't

BPD...although, perhaps you're just so good at hiding the craziness. You've done

enough research on BPD that you are a master at hiding it. "

>

> How f-ed up is that? Please tell me I'm not alone in this one!

> Judy

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe this is related in a boundary-style kind of way with regards to the crazy

gifts that they give.

A few years back, my siblings and I all had children under the age of 3, past

sippy cup age but still not quite to be trusted with glassware. So we all had

plastic tumblers to drink from, and we were all pretty much okay with that. For

Christmas that year, my nada gave ALL of us....fragile glassware, because she

noticed that all of us were using plastic, and every home should use real

glassware. Of course, NONE of us would DARE mention that we used plastic

glasses FOR A VERY GOOD REASON, and so here comes the crazier part: we all end

up changing out our glassware every time nada visits so she thinks we're using

the glasses that she gave us. I mean, seriously, if you can't even use your own

glasses without risking triggering a hystrionic fit, aren't you investing

waaaayyyy too much energy in a relationship?

> >

> > Lol, I recently made a post about my nada doing that very thing to me:

deciding to rearrange my furniture and stuff without asking me!

> >

> > Makes me wonder if its the equivalent of dogs or cats pissing on things to

" mark their territory " ?

> >

>

> Rearranging the therapist's things...that's one I hadn't thought of before,

but I agree--it would be a good indicator that somebody doesn't know how to

respect other people's boundaries!

>

> I think I shared a while back about my mom re-decorating my bathrooms and

buying new bedding for the bed I share with my husband while I was in the

hospital with my 2nd baby. What a surprise to come home to...

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, yeah, that's kind of a real-life enactment of " walking on eggshells " . You

(I used to do this as well) carefully, carefully rearrange your own reality so

as to not shatter the fragile ego of bpd mom and trigger a meltdown.

Holy Freaking Cow, they really do have us well-trained, don't they?

-Annie

> > >

> > > Lol, I recently made a post about my nada doing that very thing to me:

deciding to rearrange my furniture and stuff without asking me!

> > >

> > > Makes me wonder if its the equivalent of dogs or cats pissing on things to

" mark their territory " ?

> > >

> >

> > Rearranging the therapist's things...that's one I hadn't thought of before,

but I agree--it would be a good indicator that somebody doesn't know how to

respect other people's boundaries!

> >

> > I think I shared a while back about my mom re-decorating my bathrooms and

buying new bedding for the bed I share with my husband while I was in the

hospital with my 2nd baby. What a surprise to come home to...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think if I had to deal with my nada/FOO visiting me I would need to have a

" stunt apartment double " which contained nothing personal and private to me

where I could display all gifts they ever gave me and nothing that they could

envy or criticize. Ok...seriously I wouldn't do this, but I'd still wish I

could.

>

> Wow, yeah, that's kind of a real-life enactment of " walking on eggshells " .

You (I used to do this as well) carefully, carefully rearrange your own reality

so as to not shatter the fragile ego of bpd mom and trigger a meltdown.

>

> Holy Freaking Cow, they really do have us well-trained, don't they?

>

> -Annie

[Guest guest]

>

> And there you have it. I lied about my name and just slipped! I was terrified

that somehow my mom would be on here. It's crazy I know.

>

> My name is Jill, not Judy. I'm sorry, friends.

>

A lot of us feel safer using an alias; in fact, it's recommended. I used to use

my real name but decided to change it here and set up an email account that no

one would recognize. I'm not truly worried that they would find me, but it has

happened before to some people.

Sveta

P.S., When I was in college, I reconnected via email with my 1st cousin who is

one year older than I. We grew up in the same town but never knew each other

because our parents were NC since we were little. Her uBPDm (my dad's uNPD

bro's wife) mailed me a couple of old photos of my parents from long ago. It

was nice to have them. My own uBPDm FLIPPED OUT about how manipulative and

conniving it was for this aunt to try to get close to me that way. She said, " I

have lots of pictures from back then, I could give you pictures! " Which, of

course, she never did. And she confiscated the ones from my aunt. <sigh>