Second counseling appt today

[Guest guest]

I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and will

again today after work.

I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an appointment for

blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist appt for a root

canal.

Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so much

Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some Tylenol 3 for a

few days until the pain subsides.

It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice, but just

was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with PTSD treatments

and EMDR.

We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe place and a

container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my dad did,

and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing that I can't

remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression, I've distilled the

abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the pain. And then I worry

because not being able to share some of those memories, and being able to tell

only the summary, must make people think I'm making it up. Sometimes I wonder if

I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm not...it's my dad talking.)

I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them in the

" container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and I'm not

constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for hiding the

memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically feel the

despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain is coming

from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe it's the

difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully counseling

will help join the two together again.

I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still feel

reluctant to go.

I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just so I can

move on. I know it'll be good for me.

[Guest guest]

I take my dog to my therapy appts. It makes me feel a million times safer.

Maybe you could find your safe thing?

>

>

> I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and will

> again today after work.

>

> I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an appointment

> for blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist appt for a

> root canal.

>

> Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so much

> Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

> counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some Tylenol 3

> for a few days until the pain subsides.

>

> It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice, but

> just was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with PTSD

> treatments and EMDR.

>

> We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe place

> and a container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

>

> I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my dad

> did, and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing that

> I can't remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression, I've

> distilled the abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the pain.

> And then I worry because not being able to share some of those memories, and

> being able to tell only the summary, must make people think I'm making it

> up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm

> not...it's my dad talking.)

>

> I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them in

> the " container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and I'm

> not constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for hiding

> the memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically feel

> the despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain is

> coming from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe it's

> the difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully

> counseling will help join the two together again.

>

> I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still feel

> reluctant to go.

>

> I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just so I

> can move on. I know it'll be good for me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know if she'll allow cats--I have this one really friendly and

cuddly cat (actually, kitten, since he's only 6 months old) who makes me

feel safe and loved.

But that would be awesome, if I could. I'll think about him, at least. Him

and my mountains. I'm from Colorado, and I miss my mountains.

On Thu, May 12, 2011 at 3:01 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> I take my dog to my therapy appts. It makes me feel a million times safer.

> Maybe you could find your safe thing?

>

> On Thu, May 12, 2011 at 1:37 PM, Holly

> wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and

> will

> > again today after work.

> >

> > I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an

> appointment

> > for blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist appt for

> a

> > root canal.

> >

> > Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so

> much

> > Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

> > counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some Tylenol

> 3

> > for a few days until the pain subsides.

> >

> > It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice,

> but

> > just was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with PTSD

> > treatments and EMDR.

> >

> > We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe place

> > and a container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

> >

> > I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my dad

> > did, and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing

> that

> > I can't remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression, I've

> > distilled the abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the pain.

> > And then I worry because not being able to share some of those memories,

> and

> > being able to tell only the summary, must make people think I'm making it

> > up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm

> > not...it's my dad talking.)

> >

> > I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them in

> > the " container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and

> I'm

> > not constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for

> hiding

> > the memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically

> feel

> > the despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain

> is

> > coming from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe

> it's

> > the difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully

> > counseling will help join the two together again.

> >

> > I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still feel

> > reluctant to go.

> >

> > I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just so

> I

> > can move on. I know it'll be good for me.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My T would allow a cat - it really helps me

On Thu, May 12, 2011 at 2:11 PM, Holly Byers

wrote:

>

>

> I don't know if she'll allow cats--I have this one really friendly and

> cuddly cat (actually, kitten, since he's only 6 months old) who makes me

> feel safe and loved.

>

> But that would be awesome, if I could. I'll think about him, at least. Him

> and my mountains. I'm from Colorado, and I miss my mountains.

>

>

> On Thu, May 12, 2011 at 3:01 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

> girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

> > I take my dog to my therapy appts. It makes me feel a million times

> safer.

> > Maybe you could find your safe thing?

> >

> > On Thu, May 12, 2011 at 1:37 PM, Holly

> > wrote:

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and

> > will

> > > again today after work.

> > >

> > > I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an

> > appointment

> > > for blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist appt

> for

> > a

> > > root canal.

> > >

> > > Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so

> > much

> > > Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

> > > counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some

> Tylenol

> > 3

> > > for a few days until the pain subsides.

> > >

> > > It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice,

> > but

> > > just was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with

> PTSD

> > > treatments and EMDR.

> > >

> > > We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe

> place

> > > and a container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

> > >

> > > I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my

> dad

> > > did, and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing

> > that

> > > I can't remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression,

> I've

> > > distilled the abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the

> pain.

> > > And then I worry because not being able to share some of those

> memories,

> > and

> > > being able to tell only the summary, must make people think I'm making

> it

> > > up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm

> > > not...it's my dad talking.)

> > >

> > > I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them

> in

> > > the " container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and

> > I'm

> > > not constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for

> > hiding

> > > the memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically

> > feel

> > > the despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain

> > is

> > > coming from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe

> > it's

> > > the difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully

> > > counseling will help join the two together again.

> > >

> > > I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still

> feel

> > > reluctant to go.

> > >

> > > I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just

> so

> > I

> > > can move on. I know it'll be good for me.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

(((((Holly))))) Good for you, it does take courage and determination to go into

therapy and stay there. I admire your going into the breach again.

I think your root-canal analogy is very apt. Its scary and sometimes painful

but its necessary in order to stay or become healthy.

Wouldn't it be great if we could go to the therapist, they could just unzip our

skulls and take our brain out and work on it while we have a nice refreshing

coma for an hour, then after some zapping, twiddling, probing, and being hooked

up to a computer for diagnostics, our repaired and springtime-fresh brain is

reinserted and we go home!

Sort of like " Jiffy Lube " brain repair! Your brain fixed in 50 minutes or less!

We could call it " Jiffy Lobe " !!

I think its got marketing potential!

-Annie

>

> I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and will

again today after work.

>

> I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an appointment for

blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist appt for a root

canal.

>

> Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so much

Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some Tylenol 3 for a

few days until the pain subsides.

>

> It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice, but

just was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with PTSD

treatments and EMDR.

>

> We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe place and

a container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

>

> I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my dad did,

and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing that I can't

remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression, I've distilled the

abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the pain. And then I worry

because not being able to share some of those memories, and being able to tell

only the summary, must make people think I'm making it up. Sometimes I wonder if

I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm not...it's my dad talking.)

>

> I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them in the

" container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and I'm not

constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for hiding the

memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically feel the

despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain is coming

from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe it's the

difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully counseling

will help join the two together again.

>

> I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still feel

reluctant to go.

>

> I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just so I

can move on. I know it'll be good for me.

>

[Guest guest]

I would love that! Jiffy Lobe! I would definitely go for that kind of

treatment

It went well, and I do feel a little better about some things already.

Definitely have a lot of work ahead of me, but it's going well. And then I

came home to my cuddly cats

Writing seems to be the healing tool for me, so far, as we determined today,

so I will be continuing to write about the memories. Maybe someday I'll

publish a memoir, and it will help someone else like reading other abuse

survivor memoirs helped me.

Thanks, gals ((Hugs))

On Thu, May 12, 2011 at 7:24 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> (((((Holly))))) Good for you, it does take courage and determination to go

> into therapy and stay there. I admire your going into the breach again.

>

> I think your root-canal analogy is very apt. Its scary and sometimes

> painful but its necessary in order to stay or become healthy.

>

> Wouldn't it be great if we could go to the therapist, they could just unzip

> our skulls and take our brain out and work on it while we have a nice

> refreshing coma for an hour, then after some zapping, twiddling, probing,

> and being hooked up to a computer for diagnostics, our repaired and

> springtime-fresh brain is reinserted and we go home!

>

> Sort of like " Jiffy Lube " brain repair! Your brain fixed in 50 minutes or

> less! We could call it " Jiffy Lobe " !!

>

> I think its got marketing potential!

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and

> will again today after work.

> >

> > I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an

> appointment for blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist

> appt for a root canal.

> >

> > Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so

> much Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

> counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some Tylenol 3

> for a few days until the pain subsides.

> >

> > It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice,

> but just was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with

> PTSD treatments and EMDR.

> >

> > We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe place

> and a container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

> >

> > I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my dad

> did, and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing that

> I can't remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression, I've

> distilled the abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the pain.

> And then I worry because not being able to share some of those memories, and

> being able to tell only the summary, must make people think I'm making it

> up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm

> not...it's my dad talking.)

> >

> > I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them in

> the " container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and I'm

> not constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for hiding

> the memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically feel

> the despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain is

> coming from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe it's

> the difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully

> counseling will help join the two together again.

> >

> > I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still feel

> reluctant to go.

> >

> > I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just so

> I can move on. I know it'll be good for me.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Holly, I'm glad you got through it. You are so inspiring what you have went

through and that you are perservering through therapy, even though its painful.

HUGS hugs and prayers to you. Cuddle that sweet kitty. ;-)

> > >

> > > I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and

> > will again today after work.

> > >

> > > I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an

> > appointment for blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist

> > appt for a root canal.

> > >

> > > Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so

> > much Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

> > counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some Tylenol 3

> > for a few days until the pain subsides.

> > >

> > > It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice,

> > but just was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with

> > PTSD treatments and EMDR.

> > >

> > > We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe place

> > and a container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

> > >

> > > I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my dad

> > did, and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing that

> > I can't remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression, I've

> > distilled the abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the pain.

> > And then I worry because not being able to share some of those memories, and

> > being able to tell only the summary, must make people think I'm making it

> > up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm

> > not...it's my dad talking.)

> > >

> > > I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them in

> > the " container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and I'm

> > not constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for hiding

> > the memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically feel

> > the despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain is

> > coming from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe it's

> > the difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully

> > counseling will help join the two together again.

> > >

> > > I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still feel

> > reluctant to go.

> > >

> > > I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just so

> > I can move on. I know it'll be good for me.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are brilliant ,Annie!

[Guest guest]

Thank you! I think we're all pretty righteously brilliant here, myself.

-Annie

>

> You are brilliant ,Annie!

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've repressed a lot too.

Sometimes it makes me question whether it really happened, and often makes it

hard to come up with examples, so I wonder if people will believe me.

I believe you. (And I believe me.)

>

> I'm getting back into the swing of counseling...went last Thursday and will

again today after work.

>

> I'm looking forward to it as much as I'm looking forward to an appointment for

blood tests. Or as much as I'm looking forward to a dentist appt for a root

canal.

>

> Actually, I just had a root canal last week, and he shot me up with so much

Novocaine that I didn't feel a thing. I wish I could do the same for

counseling...just numb me up, treat me, and then I can take some Tylenol 3 for a

few days until the pain subsides.

>

> It's with a new counselor at the same place. My old counselor was nice, but

just was too busy to take me on again. This lady has experience with PTSD

treatments and EMDR.

>

> We started setting the stage for EMDR last week--thinking of a safe place and

a container, and I think we'll be starting that today.

>

> I just feel really awkward, because I can only summarize the abuse my dad did,

and not give a narrative explanation. I've done so much repressing that I can't

remember things on demand, and as a part of the repression, I've distilled the

abuse down into clinical summary to avoid feeling the pain. And then I worry

because not being able to share some of those memories, and being able to tell

only the summary, must make people think I'm making it up. Sometimes I wonder if

I'm just overreacting (though I know I'm not...it's my dad talking.)

>

> I'm sure EMDR will help me recover those memories safely, and put them in the

" container " and lock it up, so it's not constantly bubbling up and I'm not

constantly having to repress it. I only have so much energy for hiding the

memories, so while the actual details stay hidden, I periodically feel the

despair and pain without really understanding which memory the pain is coming

from. This causes my occasional breakdowns, which I hate. Maybe it's the

difference between " body memory " and " mental memory. " And hopefully counseling

will help join the two together again.

>

> I'm just talking some courage and reason into myself, though I still feel

reluctant to go.

>

> I'll still go anyway, because I want to heal. I want to remember, just so I

can move on. I know it'll be good for me.

>

[Guest guest]

Holly you are very, very brave indeed. You deserve credit because so many

damaged people in this world (which is most of us) refuse to aknowledge it, let

alone heal it.

I admire people who take control of their own emotional well-being such as you

are. If only everyone did this, the world would be so much easier wouldn't it?

" Be the change you want to see in the world " ........ Ghandi said that, and I see

this idea personified in all of us here on this board. It give me hope.

I personally believe that there's no way to circumvent pain, as much as it would

be nice to get out the 'brain bleach' we just can't. The only way is to go

straight through it. When we're ready. Hugs from HF