Tragedy strikes right after my last T appointment

[Guest guest]

Hey guys,

I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I leave, I

get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral will be

Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background: they

live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and I'm

scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental truck

and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no feasible

way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for the

wedding. I just can't.

I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel about me

not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I can't.

If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there in an

instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why I

couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

Thanks,

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

It is perfectly reasonable for you not to go to the funeral. It would be way

to complicated and stressful to try to reschedule all that right now. Don't

beat yourself up about it. Say goodbye to your grandfather in your own way, and

visit your grandmother as soon as you can. There's so much going on right now,

and so many other people around her, she will probably appreciate your presence

more later, when everyone else has gone home.

Gail

> Hey guys,

>

> I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I leave, I

get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral will be

Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background: they

live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and I'm

scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental truck

and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no feasible

way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for the

wedding. I just can't.

>

> I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel about

me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

>

> I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think that the mentally healthy members of your family will understand why you

can't be there and they realize that you want to. Maybe remind yourself that

us KOs are on the path to just not caring what the nasty, personality-disordered

family members think, say or do. Their opinion doesn't matter. You can phone

your grandmother, send her a card and/or flowers, and express your condolences

that way, and let her know that you would like to come see her after you're

moved in and settled in your new location and at your new job. I'm betting that

will mean a great deal to her, you coming to see her later.

I'm in the same boat. I live across country from my entire immediate and

extended foo, so I have not been able to attend 99% of the family events over

the last 30 some odd years. I simply can't afford to travel that far very

often. I send a card, and/or make a phone call.

My condolences on the loss of your grandfather.

-Annie

>

> Hey guys,

>

> I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I leave, I

get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral will be

Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background: they

live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and I'm

scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental truck

and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no feasible

way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for the

wedding. I just can't.

>

> I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel about

me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

>

> I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I just got an email from my other brother, who is a flying monkey, who is

clearly expecting me to drop everything and make other arrangements to go to

Florida for the funeral. He's talking about how I can park the u-haul at his

house while I go to Florida.

I appreciate that he's making this offer, but it also just pisses me off. He has

no clue what my plans for moving are, I have not spoken to him since nada's

pyschotic break from reality over Christmas, and he's making this offer with no

knowledge of what my plans are.

I know he is just trying to give me an option, but he hasn't even spoken to me,

has no knowledge of my plans, and it just pisses me off that everyone always

assumes I need help, and they don't even talk to me first. Then they hold it

against me that they offered to help. Now I'm just getting pissed off. He also

mentions that nada, whom I " m NC with, is offering to give me these stupid Delta

coupons, GRRRRR, how dare he even mention her to me!

So now I'm wondering if everyone really is expecting me to drop everything. I

cannot afford to drop everything, nor do I have time to reschedule this move. I

just want to scream. Aside from the fact that I am trying to understand how I'm

feeling about this, now people are trying to stress me out further by putting in

their two cents without being asked.

I don't know why this is making me so angry. does not know ANY of my

plans. So how dare he just start suggesting how I go about doing things. He has

no clue how I'm feeling. He claims he's not trying to control anything, just

wanting to let me know I have this option, but still. Why would you communicate

that in email? Of course, I am realizing that I have not given him my new phone

number. So maybe he tried to call my old number. I don't know. But I just found

out like 3 hours ago. I seriously don't need people jumping in my shit trying to

tell me how to go about it.

I feel like his email was inappropriate. If anything, he should have just asked

what my plans are, and if I will be able to attend, not simply launch into

telling me what rate he got and offering me advice and assistance. I'm not a

baby.

> >

> > Hey guys,

> >

> > I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I leave,

I get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral will be

Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background: they

live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and I'm

scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental truck

and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no feasible

way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for the

wedding. I just can't.

> >

> > I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel about

me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

> >

> > I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Stick by your guns and don't let them guilt you into feeling like you need to

go.

> I just got an email from my other brother, who is a flying monkey, who is

clearly expecting me to drop everything and make other arrangements to go to

Florida for the funeral. He's talking about how I can park the u-haul at his

house while I go to Florida.

>

> I appreciate that he's making this offer, but it also just pisses me off. He

has no clue what my plans for moving are, I have not spoken to him since nada's

pyschotic break from reality over Christmas, and he's making this offer with no

knowledge of what my plans are.

>

> I know he is just trying to give me an option, but he hasn't even spoken to

me, has no knowledge of my plans, and it just pisses me off that everyone always

assumes I need help, and they don't even talk to me first. Then they hold it

against me that they offered to help. Now I'm just getting pissed off. He also

mentions that nada, whom I " m NC with, is offering to give me these stupid Delta

coupons, GRRRRR, how dare he even mention her to me!

>

> So now I'm wondering if everyone really is expecting me to drop everything. I

cannot afford to drop everything, nor do I have time to reschedule this move. I

just want to scream. Aside from the fact that I am trying to understand how I'm

feeling about this, now people are trying to stress me out further by putting in

their two cents without being asked.

>

> I don't know why this is making me so angry. does not know ANY of my

plans. So how dare he just start suggesting how I go about doing things. He has

no clue how I'm feeling. He claims he's not trying to control anything, just

wanting to let me know I have this option, but still. Why would you communicate

that in email? Of course, I am realizing that I have not given him my new phone

number. So maybe he tried to call my old number. I don't know. But I just found

out like 3 hours ago. I seriously don't need people jumping in my shit trying to

tell me how to go about it.

>

> I feel like his email was inappropriate. If anything, he should have just

asked what my plans are, and if I will be able to attend, not simply launch into

telling me what rate he got and offering me advice and assistance. I'm not a

baby.

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hey guys,

> > >

> > > I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I

leave, I get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral

will be Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background:

they live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and

I'm scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental

truck and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no

feasible way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for

the wedding. I just can't.

> > >

> > > I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel

about me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

> > >

> > > I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe try a brief reply that goes something like,

" Thank you, that is kind of you to offer and I truly wish I could attend

grandfather's funeral, but I can't rearrange my plans at this time. I've

contacted grandmother, and let her know how much I wish I could see her and be

with her now, but that I am coming to see her after I get settled in. Thanks

for understanding, brother dear; I knew you would. "

So, in other words, you're taking the higher path, stating your boundary,

graciously thanking him as though he's not a flying monkey and not trying to

manipulate you, and just ignoring everything else he said or may say. Don't

even mention your nada at all. Remain cool, serene, and unruffled, and take

care of your needs.

Not being able to attend a funeral doesn't make you a bad person.

It really doesn't. Stuff happens. The point is that you are going to express

your grief and condolences to your grandmother, and you ARE going to see her,

just later than the funeral.

Get moved, get settled in, then go see grandma for some really quality

one-on-one time with her.

What the mentally ill, personality-disordered people think and say has no more

significance than a distant dog barking into the wind. It means nothing.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hey guys,

> > >

> > > I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I

leave, I get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral

will be Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background:

they live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and

I'm scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental

truck and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no

feasible way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for

the wedding. I just can't.

> > >

> > > I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel

about me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

> > >

> > > I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

So sorry for your loss.

Take it from a person who has attended every single everything expected of me

from my family...and i lost them all anyway.

Do what you can or want to...then accept your decisions. Whatever decisions you

make are the right ones for you.

It won't make a difference in reality to the situation one bit. Your grandfather

knows how you feel and what's in your heart. You don't need to answer to anyone.

Us KO's always feel the need to answer the why's.

Break the cycle.

If your family doesn't accept it...it's their loss and problem.

We are only human.

I hope you have great memories of your grandfather's life.

Amy

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.

Did you know that there are 5 specific events in someone's life that are

considered the most stressful? Here they are: 1) death of a loved one; 2) a

move; 3) a new job; 4) a wedding; and 5) a divorce.

You are experiencing 3 of these at the same time. No wonder you are stressed and

anxious and getting angry! Give yourself a break. Just one of those events is

enough to make anyone on edge. And you have 3 happening at the exact same time!

It sounds to me like you're doing a fabulous job so far keeping things together.

I totally feel your frustration. Reading your posting about everyone else's

expectations of you and then your brother's unsolicited offer to help...that

could have been written in my journal...I get so angry at people for butting

into my business to " help " because I start to feel like they are trying to

manipulate and control me like my mom does. Grrrr. It's just infuriating.

As for the funeral...the purpose of a funeral is to provide closure to those

that are left in the living. The funeral is for you; whether or not you can or

even want to go is up to you. Not the dead person, not anyone else. If you can't

go to the funeral, so be it. You might find more closure in visiting your

grandmother anyways. It's a personal choice. Even if you had nothing else to do

and all the time and money in the world...you still have every right to choose

to not go to the funeral. No guilt. Your grandfather doesn't care.

Good luck on your moving adventure and with your new job. Get past those things

so you can deal with your grandfather's death.

Judy

> > >

> > > Hey guys,

> > >

> > > I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I

leave, I get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral

will be Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background:

they live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and

I'm scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental

truck and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no

feasible way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for

the wedding. I just can't.

> > >

> > > I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel

about me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

> > >

> > > I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One other thought...I used to live far away from my FOO, and every holiday was

torture because they expected me to fly down to visit. I remember one holiday in

particular, where I finally had an excuse to stay home: flights were just too

damn expensive - we're talking like $500.

Then, my mom offered to pay for the flight. Which just pissed me off...and I had

no idea why until now. Truth was, I simply didn't want to go. I just didn't want

to. It wouldn't have mattered if I could be telepathically delivered to their

house for the holidays...I just didn't want to be there.

It could just as easily have been a funeral and not a holiday.

And that's okay! You're not a bad person even if you simply don't want to go to

the funeral. It's okay to not want to go. You don't even need an excuse

(although you do have plenty of reasons!!!).

I'm not implying at all that you don't want to go; but, just in case, if that's

really what you're feeling I wanted to offer my support.

Judy

> > > >

> > > > Hey guys,

> > > >

> > > > I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I

leave, I get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral

will be Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background:

they live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and

I'm scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental

truck and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no

feasible way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for

the wedding. I just can't.

> > > >

> > > > I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel

about me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

> > > >

> > > > I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks,

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for that, Judy. It definitely made me feel justified. I know my

brother is really just trying to help, but I get seriously irritated and even

angry when people try to " help " and I've neither requested nor do I need it. If

I need help, I will ask for it. But I am not a baby, I can make my own

arrangements, and I can decide what's best for me. But my family keeps trying to

control me and " help " me. It's been happening so much already with my move and

new job. There is just too much codependency in my family.

I re-read my brother's email and, honestly, he really was just trying to provide

an option, but I still find that it angers me. He sent it less than 3 hours

after I was notified that my grandfather had died, he didn't ask me if I was

okay or how I was feeling, and he doesn't know my plans for the move or

anything, so I just found the whole thing premature and insensitive. I can find

my own airfare rates if I am actually going to attend, and I don't need other

people to arrange things for me. It just felt very irritating because it sounded

like he and my dad had been talking behind my back to plan out my trip to the

funeral.

I am fucking 31 years old. I am not a child, not even a young adult. I'm

full-fledged, earned it, ADULT. Can I please get an ounce of respect?

Ug,

[Guest guest]

This isn't the day and age where large families all live within 20 miles of each

other. Life is complex, families are far flung and we just can't jump up and be

there at every crisis. Your life is in transition right now and walking away

from everything at the moment isn't possible.

I agree with others, be in touch with your grandmother, share memories of your

grandfather with her, send her your love. Sure, everyone rushes to a funeral but

a week later, they all rush back home. The surviving spouse is left alone again.

My suggestion is if you can plan or arrange to visit her 3 or 4 months from now,

that would mean just as much if not more to her. I've seen what happens to those

left behind after all the hub bub of the funeral and family visits. The

loneliness is magnified after the shock and confusion settles down. I hope you

can do something like that for her. If not, still stay in touch with her over

the next 6 months, ask how she's doing, let her talk about old times. She would

appreciate that more in the long run. Most of all, just ignore those with big

expectations and plans for you. You're an adult now and can make your own

choices. I was in my late 40's before I finally realized that about myself.

>

> I just got an email from my other brother, who is a flying monkey, who is

clearly expecting me to drop everything and make other arrangements to go to

Florida for the funeral.

>

> So now I'm wondering if everyone really is expecting me to drop everything. I

cannot afford to drop everything, nor do I have time to reschedule this move. I

just want to scream. Aside from the fact that I am trying to understand how I'm

feeling about this, now people are trying to stress me out further by putting in

their two cents without being asked.

>

[Guest guest]

When my stepbrother died, my stepsister, who lives in Wyoming,  didn't come to

the funeral.  She said she wanted to mourn on her own terms.  I can understand

that.

Janet

 

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, May 13, 2011 9:54:11 AM

Subject: Re: Tragedy strikes right after my last T

appointment

 

This isn't the day and age where large families all live within 20 miles of each

other. Life is complex, families are far flung and we just can't jump up and be

there at every crisis. Your life is in transition right now and walking away

from everything at the moment isn't possible.

I agree with others, be in touch with your grandmother, share memories of your

grandfather with her, send her your love. Sure, everyone rushes to a funeral but

a week later, they all rush back home. The surviving spouse is left alone again.

My suggestion is if you can plan or arrange to visit her 3 or 4 months from now,

that would mean just as much if not more to her. I've seen what happens to those

left behind after all the hub bub of the funeral and family visits. The

loneliness is magnified after the shock and confusion settles down. I hope you

can do something like that for her. If not, still stay in touch with her over

the next 6 months, ask how she's doing, let her talk about old times. She would

appreciate that more in the long run. Most of all, just ignore those with big

expectations and plans for you. You're an adult now and can make your own

choices. I was in my late 40's before I finally realized that about myself.

>

> I just got an email from my other brother, who is a flying monkey, who is

>clearly expecting me to drop everything and make other arrangements to go to

>Florida for the funeral.

>

> So now I'm wondering if everyone really is expecting me to drop everything. I

>cannot afford to drop everything, nor do I have time to reschedule this move. I

>just want to scream. Aside from the fact that I am trying to understand how I'm

>feeling about this, now people are trying to stress me out further by putting

in

>their two cents without being asked.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Glad to help, . Again, I think I get angry at offers of help from people

because my BPD mom always hid demands as " help " .

Like you said, your brother may have really been just giving you an option...and

that angers you because, even if he was genuinely trying to help, it seems a

little insensitive to ignore the fact that it's simply too much for you to fit

it all in...and he didn't even ask if you wanted to go in the first place.

I also think that giving you an " option " assumes that it is, afterall, possible

for you to make it work...which gives your BPD parent a reason to pick a fight

with you later on...to tell everyone that you could have come if you really

wanted to. Which is especially frustrating if you really do want to be there.

Maybe I'm way off here, but I think that's what I would be feeling in your shoes

(among other things).

One more thing...in the end, it really doesn't matter what your brother's

motives are. You're fucking 31 years old (hee hee!). An adult. You've made a

decision. It simply won't work. Trust your feelings for once.

By the way, I'm fucking 31 years old as well

>

> Thank you for that, Judy. It definitely made me feel justified. I know my

brother is really just trying to help, but I get seriously irritated and even

angry when people try to " help " and I've neither requested nor do I need it. If

I need help, I will ask for it. But I am not a baby, I can make my own

arrangements, and I can decide what's best for me. But my family keeps trying to

control me and " help " me. It's been happening so much already with my move and

new job. There is just too much codependency in my family.

>

> I re-read my brother's email and, honestly, he really was just trying to

provide an option, but I still find that it angers me. He sent it less than 3

hours after I was notified that my grandfather had died, he didn't ask me if I

was okay or how I was feeling, and he doesn't know my plans for the move or

anything, so I just found the whole thing premature and insensitive. I can find

my own airfare rates if I am actually going to attend, and I don't need other

people to arrange things for me. It just felt very irritating because it sounded

like he and my dad had been talking behind my back to plan out my trip to the

funeral.

>

> I am fucking 31 years old. I am not a child, not even a young adult. I'm

full-fledged, earned it, ADULT. Can I please get an ounce of respect?

>

> Ug,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh sweetie-

I agree that funerals are for the living. Mourn in your way on your time,

you don't owe them shit.

If its any comfort, i didn't got to my grandmother's funeral last june. i

didn't even respond to the calls. i didn't read the e-mails. i just held

with NC. I didn't need to deal with nada's histrionics on top of my grief.

Do what you need to do. It's your life. I haven't regretted my decision for

even a split second and its been almost a year.

>

>

> Glad to help, . Again, I think I get angry at offers of help from

> people because my BPD mom always hid demands as " help " .

>

> Like you said, your brother may have really been just giving you an

> option...and that angers you because, even if he was genuinely trying to

> help, it seems a little insensitive to ignore the fact that it's simply too

> much for you to fit it all in...and he didn't even ask if you wanted to go

> in the first place.

>

> I also think that giving you an " option " assumes that it is, afterall,

> possible for you to make it work...which gives your BPD parent a reason to

> pick a fight with you later on...to tell everyone that you could have come

> if you really wanted to. Which is especially frustrating if you really do

> want to be there.

>

> Maybe I'm way off here, but I think that's what I would be feeling in your

> shoes (among other things).

>

> One more thing...in the end, it really doesn't matter what your brother's

> motives are. You're fucking 31 years old (hee hee!). An adult. You've made a

> decision. It simply won't work. Trust your feelings for once.

>

> By the way, I'm fucking 31 years old as well

>

>

>

> >

> > Thank you for that, Judy. It definitely made me feel justified. I know my

> brother is really just trying to help, but I get seriously irritated and

> even angry when people try to " help " and I've neither requested nor do I

> need it. If I need help, I will ask for it. But I am not a baby, I can make

> my own arrangements, and I can decide what's best for me. But my family

> keeps trying to control me and " help " me. It's been happening so much

> already with my move and new job. There is just too much codependency in my

> family.

> >

> > I re-read my brother's email and, honestly, he really was just trying to

> provide an option, but I still find that it angers me. He sent it less than

> 3 hours after I was notified that my grandfather had died, he didn't ask me

> if I was okay or how I was feeling, and he doesn't know my plans for the

> move or anything, so I just found the whole thing premature and insensitive.

> I can find my own airfare rates if I am actually going to attend, and I

> don't need other people to arrange things for me. It just felt very

> irritating because it sounded like he and my dad had been talking behind my

> back to plan out my trip to the funeral.

> >

> > I am fucking 31 years old. I am not a child, not even a young adult. I'm

> full-fledged, earned it, ADULT. Can I please get an ounce of respect?

> >

> > Ug,

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So sorry to hear about your loss. Hang in there.

>

> Hey guys,

>

> I just had my last appointment with my T before I move. Right after I leave, I

get a call from my father that my grandfather has died. The funeral will be

Monday. I would like to be there, but I just can't. A little background: they

live in Florida, I live in California. I just had my last day of work, and I'm

scheduled to be out of my apartment by Monday. I'm picking up the rental truck

and heading across country to my new job on Monday. There is just no feasible

way for me to cancel everything and fly out to Florida to be there for the

wedding. I just can't.

>

> I so want to be there. And I know I can't control how anyone will feel about

me not being there, but I'm just hoping that everyone can understand why I

can't. If I didn't have all these reservations and plans made, I would be there

in an instant. I just talked to my brother and he was very understanding of why

I couldn't be there. But I feel terrible. Like I should drop everything, start

making frantic calls to reschedule everything, etc. But I just can't. I can't

put that stress on myself right now. I need to go on as planned, and I will

visit with my grandmother after I finish my move and get settled. I'm going

through a major life change right now; and I just hope everyone can understand

that it was just the absolute worst time. I know there is never a good time for

some one to die, but I think you know what I mean.

>

> I would appreciate any validation or thoughts.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have to take car of yourself, first, and it sounds like you already have too

many plates in the air right now.

Think about who you would be going for? To support your family of to say goodbye

for yourself?

My grandmother died 2000 miles away when I was 3 weeks away from my son's due

date. It was the hardest thing for me to not fly out there, but I had already

said goodbye to her and knew I couldn't afford the energy (or $) to make the

trip. My grandma wouldn't have wanted me to.

Take care of you, sweetie. Have your own memorial moment here.