So...I think things are getting a little better...

[Guest guest]

I KNOW I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS.

I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THINK THIS.

I KNOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY ALL CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

But after 2 years of NC, and accepting mom back into my life, I think things are

a little better. It has only been a few months, and I am not looking forward to

the moments where the fact that I ABANDONED my mom will be thrown in my face,

but for the time being, things seem to be pretty alright.

I don't know what to think about this. After being hypervigilant for the last,

what...3 decades, I'm still not sure what to think. I mean, I was all stressed

out about mother's day and it went down fairly uneventfully.

Yes, I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but is it possible that

a mom can learn to respect the *BIG* boundaries after a period of total NC?

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation?

[Guest guest]

Just be on guard, and don't ever let your guard down.

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS.

>

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THINK THIS.

>

> I KNOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY ALL CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

>

> But after 2 years of NC, and accepting mom back into my life, I think things

are a little better. It has only been a few months, and I am not looking forward

to the moments where the fact that I ABANDONED my mom will be thrown in my face,

but for the time being, things seem to be pretty alright.

>

> I don't know what to think about this. After being hypervigilant for the last,

what...3 decades, I'm still not sure what to think. I mean, I was all stressed

out about mother's day and it went down fairly uneventfully.

>

> Yes, I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but is it possible

that a mom can learn to respect the *BIG* boundaries after a period of total NC?

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry if this bursts the bubble:

After 7 years of NC nada and I reconciled. We met ahead of time and agreed to

boundaries. We did well for about 8 years. Then about two years ago sometime

triggered nada again. She became unreasonable in her demands, she became cold,

nasty, distant. The queen emerged. Any attempts by me to make things right or

find out what she got so mad about were met by the cold shoulder and the victim

act.

Since then its been a snowball rolling down the hill. She's been attempting to

control everything in her life and whip everyone involved into submission.

Sounds like your nada is like mine: high functioning and can go for years before

the BPD behaviors overtake her again. God only knows what triggers them.

>

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS.

>

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THINK THIS.

>

> I KNOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY ALL CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

>

[Guest guest]

Each of us has to make his or her own choices in these matters. You get to

decide what works for you and what doesn't, and what you're willing to risk.

This is about what feels right for YOU.

If you want to try again and see if your mother has been able to change herself:

see if she has developed some self-awareness, has become willing and able to

take responsibility for her own behaviors, has developed the ability to care

about your feelings, feels genuine remorse for having been abusive to you, has

learned self-monitoring and self-soothing skills, then...

....give it a shot! But my advice also is to be self-protective: don't just sink

into a kind of all-trusting, infantile bliss state, its too dangerous.

My suggestion is to treat this as an experiment. Withhold your tender feelings,

your open heart, your trust, for a while. If your mother can remain

non-abusive, rational, and emotionally stable for, say, 6 months, then perhaps

you can start to believe that the changes she has made are genuine.

My own personal experience with this is that my nada is able to maintain the

appearance of normality for periods of time, but she can't keep it up

indefinitely. She invariably reverts back to her old, familiar, abusive, pd

behaviors sooner or later. The longest she was able to be just normal,

pleasant, non-abusive, etc., was about 3 months, according to Sister. Then our

nada had a SPECTACULAR rage-tantrum-meltdown aimed at Sister, triggered by

Sister being just a little late picking mom up for some appointment or other.

So, if you can do this with your eyes wide open, realizing that it may just be

temporary, or it may be a manipulative ploy, then... try it.

-Annie

>

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS.

>

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THINK THIS.

>

> I KNOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY ALL CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

>

> But after 2 years of NC, and accepting mom back into my life, I think things

are a little better. It has only been a few months, and I am not looking

forward to the moments where the fact that I ABANDONED my mom will be thrown in

my face, but for the time being, things seem to be pretty alright.

>

> I don't know what to think about this. After being hypervigilant for the

last, what...3 decades, I'm still not sure what to think. I mean, I was all

stressed out about mother's day and it went down fairly uneventfully.

>

> Yes, I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but is it possible

that a mom can learn to respect the *BIG* boundaries after a period of total NC?

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Bink, I'm glad things are better for you right now but I advise caution also.

After I went NC with my nada and then reconciled she was *much better* but ever

so slowly the relationship dynamics began to shift back to the way they were - a

little bit at a time, all for what seemed like good reasons at the time. Now if

I want to regain the ground I lost it will require another battle royale and/or

NC. So enjoy the ground you've gained and hold to it!

>

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS.

>

> I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THINK THIS.

>

> I KNOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY ALL CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

>

> But after 2 years of NC, and accepting mom back into my life, I think things

are a little better. It has only been a few months, and I am not looking

forward to the moments where the fact that I ABANDONED my mom will be thrown in

my face, but for the time being, things seem to be pretty alright.

>

> I don't know what to think about this. After being hypervigilant for the

last, what...3 decades, I'm still not sure what to think. I mean, I was all

stressed out about mother's day and it went down fairly uneventfully.

>

> Yes, I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but is it possible

that a mom can learn to respect the *BIG* boundaries after a period of total NC?

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation?

>

[Guest guest]

Bink you're allowed to change your mind and see your nada. You're also allowed

to change your mind again later down the road if things change....

That's the beauty of being a grown up! We are ALLOWED TO CHANGE OUR MINDS!!!

Yayyy Horay for being free.

So don't beat yourself up for giving nada a chance, it's ok. Just keep your

boundaries, keep your wits about you and a sense of homour. The BPD toolkit as

I call it.

I am now LC with my estranged NPD fada after about 15 years of NC... and it's

fine. It's not a party, but fine. I'm healed and strong enough to manage it

now. But if he pulls douchebaggery, then I change my mind. Done.

Hugs from HF.

[Guest guest]

Hey Annie,

I couldn't trust my mother less. She hasn't been near my mushy feelings since I

was like 11. That's when I drew a line in the sand and knew my mom was out of

her mind nuts.

I am not trying to have a mother/daughter relationship with her. It's more like

I used to be roommates and we parted on (really) bad terms and we saw each other

in a mall and decided to try to be friends again...if that makes any sense.

There's no way in hell we're moving back in together, though.

> >

> > I KNOW I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS.

> >

> > I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THINK THIS.

> >

> > I KNOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY ALL CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

> >

> > But after 2 years of NC, and accepting mom back into my life, I think things

are a little better. It has only been a few months, and I am not looking

forward to the moments where the fact that I ABANDONED my mom will be thrown in

my face, but for the time being, things seem to be pretty alright.

> >

> > I don't know what to think about this. After being hypervigilant for the

last, what...3 decades, I'm still not sure what to think. I mean, I was all

stressed out about mother's day and it went down fairly uneventfully.

> >

> > Yes, I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but is it possible

that a mom can learn to respect the *BIG* boundaries after a period of total NC?

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

LOL, I'm glad you realized so early on to keep your mom away from your

" mushy feelings. " It took me several years longer than that to start walling

out my dad's rages, and to realize that my dad was nuts.

Then again, that's probably affected by the fact I was the golden child for

most of my childhood/teen years. Also, I had nobody to compare my dad to, as

a homeschooler.

Anywho, I digress. I wish you good luck, and I'm glad you're being cautious.

You deserve to protect yourself.

On Fri, May 13, 2011 at 9:19 PM, BINK! wrote:

>

>

> Hey Annie,

>

> I couldn't trust my mother less. She hasn't been near my mushy feelings

> since I was like 11. That's when I drew a line in the sand and knew my mom

> was out of her mind nuts.

>

> I am not trying to have a mother/daughter relationship with her. It's more

> like I used to be roommates and we parted on (really) bad terms and we saw

> each other in a mall and decided to try to be friends again...if that makes

> any sense. There's no way in hell we're moving back in together, though.

>

>

> > >

> > > I KNOW I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS.

> > >

> > > I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THINK THIS.

> > >

> > > I KNOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY ALL CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

> > >

> > > But after 2 years of NC, and accepting mom back into my life, I think

> things are a little better. It has only been a few months, and I am not

> looking forward to the moments where the fact that I ABANDONED my mom will

> be thrown in my face, but for the time being, things seem to be pretty

> alright.

> > >

> > > I don't know what to think about this. After being hypervigilant for

> the last, what...3 decades, I'm still not sure what to think. I mean, I was

> all stressed out about mother's day and it went down fairly uneventfully.

> > >

> > > Yes, I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but is it

> possible that a mom can learn to respect the *BIG* boundaries after a period

> of total NC? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I went and spent some time at my mom's house yesterday and I don't think I want

to do this. I think limited contact is about all I can stand. I don't want to

be around her house and the only reason it was tolerable was because my dad (her

ex husband) went with me. My husband can't really deal with her anymore.

One step forward, 3,387,493,599 steps back... Sigh...

>

> Bink you're allowed to change your mind and see your nada. You're also allowed

to change your mind again later down the road if things change....

>

> That's the beauty of being a grown up! We are ALLOWED TO CHANGE OUR MINDS!!!

Yayyy Horay for being free.

>

> So don't beat yourself up for giving nada a chance, it's ok. Just keep your

boundaries, keep your wits about you and a sense of homour. The BPD toolkit as

I call it.

>

> I am now LC with my estranged NPD fada after about 15 years of NC... and it's

fine. It's not a party, but fine. I'm healed and strong enough to manage it

now. But if he pulls douchebaggery, then I change my mind. Done.

>

> Hugs from HF.

>

[Guest guest]

Good choice. Trust your gut, it's never wrong. If you don't want to, then

don't. We suppport your decision here.

[Guest guest]

Thanks

>

> Good choice. Trust your gut, it's never wrong. If you don't want to, then

don't. We suppport your decision here.

>