Lies I've told

[Guest guest]

After posting about how I used to change my glassware to avoid tripping off

nada, I got to thinking about all the other false fronts/lies I've put out there

over the years. Please bear in mind that I am one of the most honest people I

know; lying/masquerading with nada was simply a survival mechanism. You know

what I'm talking about. So here's a partial list of what I've lied to her

about, in general terms, all so I could avoid the sobby/critical/psycho-nada:

The glassware that I used, as described before.

The church I went to.

The people I hung out with.

The stores I frequented.

The books I read.

The clothes I liked.

The cleaning I did.

The music I liked.

The foods I liked.

My political views.

Oh hell, any of my preferences.

I wonder when I quit telling her the truth.

While reflecting on the glassware issue, I also remembered that around that same

period of time (remember, with small kids in the house), I was going to invite

some people over to my house. I had cloth covers on the chairs surrounding my

kitchen table, which were stained from numerous food spills--wiped clean, mind

you, but stained nonetheless. I'm thinking, meh, I have small kids, people will

understand. Nada wigged out, and was practically in a panic that I HAD to

change those chair covers before having people over or people would think I was

a slob, they'd be entirely grossed out, they'd never want to come back to my

house again. She manipulated me into going out and dropping thirty bucks on

fabric for new chair covers, which, I kid you not, were stained again the very

next day despite being treated with industrial-strength fabric protectant, but

were blemish-free for the two hours that people were in my home. Now I know

that a number of you out there are compulsively tidy, so nothing against you

folks, but I'm not, so having a spotless home is really a misrepresentation of

who I am. I believe in being generally tidy, and my house gets a thorough

scrubbing once a week, but with three kids, a dog, and a more than full-time

job, it gets cluttered, and stains do occur. I went through some expense and

effort out of fear instilled by nada that I would be rejected socially for

having stained chair covers in an otherwise tidy house. And it occurred to me

today that, you know what, maybe there was someone at that party who was looking

at those chair covers (which were very obviously brand-spanking new) and

thinking " Who the hell buys new chair covers with young children in the house?

Or does she have her kids eat from a pig trough outdoors? " My long and rambling

point being, maybe there was someone there that shared a similar outlook on life

that I could have related to that I turned off in my effort to appease nada's

anxiety. In my efforts to placate nada, I could actually have been pushing away

the very people who could serve as my social support network.

Four years NC and four decades and I finally put that together. At least it's

progress.