Would like your opinion on my mom having BPD

[Guest guest]

This is my first time on this site, so glad I found it. I'm reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and believe I have found the clues to who my mom really

is. Just for an example of the latest event, she berated (once again) my 17

year old daughter for having her nose pierced (a small stud on the side). This

isn't something I am proud that she did, but I am trying to pick my battles as I

realize how difficult this world is for teenagers. Well, my daughter and I went

over to visit my parents (who are elderly, mom is 79, dad is 84). Once my

mother got a glimpse of the stud in my daughters nose, she said to her " I am so

disappointed in you, I guess this is an indication of what type of a person you

are and I guess this means you are going to get into other things.............. "

She stormed down the hallway and closed the door to the computer room where she

plays pogo endlessly. All of this was done in front of one of my friends and my

father as well. I left with my daughter and friend shortly afterwards and we

had been given the silent treatment for about a week. I phoned my parents home

the day after this event, and my father answered (I knew he would, as the

pattern of my mom's behavior is so predictable) i proceeded to tell my father

that until my mother can apologize to my daughter and stop judging and

criticizing her, we will not be seeing her. Sadly, my dad has been beaten down

for so many years by this woman that he has no idea how to stop enabling her

behavior. He just wants peace in his " castle " at all costs. Which, translated

means, my daughter and I should just understand that " this is how your mother is

and you should just accept it " . Well, quite frankly, I have had enough of her

treating me this way since I was a child, and of her treating my daughter this

way. My daughters birthday was last week, and my dad phoned to see if he and my

mom would see her. So, I once again extended the olive branch and invited them

both for a luncheon on my daughter's birthday. Got a phone call the morning of

my daughter's birthday and was told that my mom was sick. (I already know

that!) So, we dutifully stopped over to their home and my mother placed herself

on a chair outside on the patio, crying and visually upset. My poor daughter,

on her birthday, went outside to talk to Nana at the urging of my father. She

was met with yet more criticism, no apology for her previous harsh words, and

was just berated even more and also asked, " what would you do if nana pierced

her nose?? " Sadly, I have never really had a " mom " , but a " mother " who

consistently acted/acts like a child. Mother's day rolls around and I force

myself to pick out a card - but feeling like a hypocrite by picking out a card

that said what a wonderful mother she is, I tried to just find a " generic " card.

Finally did and mailed it. On the " official day " I dropped by (once again for

my father's sake) with dinner, flowers, and a gift for my " mom " . She had that

pitiful sad-sack look on her face (so typical) and you could cut the tension in

the house with a knife. All she did was small talk about other people's

ailments, and basic nonsense. I left about an hour or so after I got there -

couldn't take it anymore. Of course I thought about brining up the

inappropriate conversation with my daughter, etc. but figured it would just be

met with more drama. I know she's getting older and my poor father is a mess

because of her moods, self-righteousness, and her constant expectations of

everyone in her family. She is perpetually the " victim " and has no empathy for

anyone one else. It almost makes me physically ill to even be in her presence

any more. There is so much more history to this but there's no point in airing

all the dirty laundry out. I have written her a letter but didn't send it yet

as I don't want my dad to be living in any more hell than he already is. This

is a horrible, horrible way to live and I refuse to allow my daughter to be

verbally abused by her anymore. I don't care if it is her grandmother. My

grandmother treated me the same way (my mother's mom) and I ended up first

fearing her as a child, then avoiding her and loathing her as an adult. So, any

advice from others with a BPD mom I sincerely appreciate. I will never have the

mother I dreamed of having, will never have more than a superficial conversation

with her, nor will she ever know who I am. Sorry for rambling on about this.

[Guest guest]

Hi

I am with you in the sense that both my mother and her mother are borderlines

behave as you've described. Your daughter is certainly a little luckier than we

were. Please consider keeping your daughter away from your mother.

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Would like your opinion on my mom having BPD

This is my first time on this site, so glad I found it. I'm reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and believe I have found the clues to who my mom really

is. Just for an example of the latest event, she berated (once again) my 17

year old daughter for having her nose pierced (a small stud on the side). This

isn't something I am proud that she did, but I am trying to pick my battles as I

realize how difficult this world is for teenagers. Well, my daughter and I went

over to visit my parents (who are elderly, mom is 79, dad is 84). Once my

mother got a glimpse of the stud in my daughters nose, she said to her " I am so

disappointed in you, I guess this is an indication of what type of a person you

are and I guess this means you are going to get into other things.............. "

She stormed down the hallway and closed the door to the computer room where she

plays pogo endlessly. All of this was done in front of one of my friends and my

father as well. I left with my daughter and friend shortly afterwards and we

had been given the silent treatment for about a week. I phoned my parents home

the day after this event, and my father answered (I knew he would, as the

pattern of my mom's behavior is so predictable) i proceeded to tell my father

that until my mother can apologize to my daughter and stop judging and

criticizing her, we will not be seeing her. Sadly, my dad has been beaten down

for so many years by this woman that he has no idea how to stop enabling her

behavior. He just wants peace in his " castle " at all costs. Which, translated

means, my daughter and I should just understand that " this is how your mother is

and you should just accept it " . Well, quite frankly, I have had enough of her

treating me this way since I was a child, and of her treating my daughter this

way. My daughters birthday was last week, and my dad phoned to see if he and my

mom would see her. So, I once again extended the olive branch and invited them

both for a luncheon on my daughter's birthday. Got a phone call the morning of

my daughter's birthday and was told that my mom was sick. (I already know

that!) So, we dutifully stopped over to their home and my mother placed herself

on a chair outside on the patio, crying and visually upset. My poor daughter,

on her birthday, went outside to talk to Nana at the urging of my father. She

was met with yet more criticism, no apology for her previous harsh words, and

was just berated even more and also asked, " what would you do if nana pierced

her nose?? " Sadly, I have never really had a " mom " , but a " mother " who

consistently acted/acts like a child. Mother's day rolls around and I force

myself to pick out a card - but feeling like a hypocrite by picking out a card

that said what a wonderful mother she is, I tried to just find a " generic " card.

Finally did and mailed it. On the " official day " I dropped by (once again for

my father's sake) with dinner, flowers, and a gift for my " mom " . She had that

pitiful sad-sack look on her face (so typical) and you could cut the tension in

the house with a knife. All she did was small talk about other people's

ailments, and basic nonsense. I left about an hour or so after I got there -

couldn't take it anymore. Of course I thought about brining up the

inappropriate conversation with my daughter, etc. but figured it would just be

met with more drama. I know she's getting older and my poor father is a mess

because of her moods, self-righteousness, and her constant expectations of

everyone in her family. She is perpetually the " victim " and has no empathy for

anyone one else. It almost makes me physically ill to even be in her presence

any more. There is so much more history to this but there's no point in airing

all the dirty laundry out. I have written her a letter but didn't send it yet

as I don't want my dad to be living in any more hell than he already is. This

is a horrible, horrible way to live and I refuse to allow my daughter to be

verbally abused by her anymore. I don't care if it is her grandmother. My

grandmother treated me the same way (my mother's mom) and I ended up first

fearing her as a child, then avoiding her and loathing her as an adult. So, any

advice from others with a BPD mom I sincerely appreciate. I will never have the

mother I dreamed of having, will never have more than a superficial conversation

with her, nor will she ever know who I am. Sorry for rambling on about this.

[Guest guest]

Hi, and welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I'm glad you found

the board, because it has been a wonderful source of validation and good advice

for me. I have a few comments that I will insert below.

>> she berated (once again) my 17 year old daughter for having her nose pierced

(a small stud on the side).

My sister pierced her nose once. Mostly because she wanted to, but also because

she knew it would pi** my mom off big time. Oh, those younger siblings!

>> i proceeded to tell my father that until my mother can apologize to my

daughter and stop judging and criticizing her, we will not be seeing her.... My

daughters birthday was last week, and my dad phoned to see if he and my mom

would see her. So, I once again extended the olive branch and invited them both

for a luncheon on my daughter's birthday.

First, I understand how powerful the feelings of guilt and obligation can be,

coupled with not wanting to hurt your dad's feelings. But can you see how

" extending the olive branch " in this case teaches your parents that you don't

really mean what you say? Are you really surprised that she didn't apologize?

If you are going to set limits (which, btw, yours was reasonable), they will

work better for you if you will really be serious about them. In this case, you

would have told your dad when he called (if you even chose to answer the phone

at all) that it's just not going to work out this year, since your mother has

still not changed her behavior. It will take a while of consistently showing

them that you mean what you say for things to improve.

>> It almost makes me physically ill to even be in her presence any more.

I can understand that. Even just hearing her voice or seeing her name on the

caller id does it for me. I had been LC with my parents because I really wanted

to let my children have access to the good things about their grandparents, but

we have been NC for the past 6 months, and I think my family is much happier.

>> I have written her a letter but didn't send it yet as I don't want my dad to

be living in any more hell than he already is.

Your father is an adult who can choose for himself whether he wants to endure

abuse. If he is in hell, it is because he wants to be. You are not his parent,

and he doesn't need you to protect him. If you need to send a letter, send it.

If you need to set a limit, set it. You are not responsible for how your mother

chooses to react, and you are not responsible for what behaviors your father

chooses to tolerate. You *are* responsible for your own behavior, and for

protecting and defending your children.

I had two BPD grandmothers, a NPD grandfather, and an NPD/BPD uncle & aunt. So my

en-dad and BPD mother think they are totally the normal ones! They chose NC

with my aunt & uncle from when I was very young, and my grandmothers also died

when I was a child. So I didn't have to deal directly with very much of the

extended family mess, for which I am grateful. Any space you can give yourself

and your children will be good. Showing your daughter that she does not have to

tolerate abuse is even better.

Good luck--you're on the right track already.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi and welcome. I can't say for 100% based on this if she is a borderline,

but it wouldn't surprise me. But I can say she is a total BITCH!!! Gawd!!!

And by the way, I've had my nose peirced for about 6 years. I work full time

in advertising and I wear it proudly to business meetings in the most

conservative state in the nation. It's no big deal Its just beauitful and

very feminine in many cultures. It's not a sign that she is going to start

getting into other things. i think it is a sign that your nada 1) is totally

behind the times and unable to imagine that fashions have changed since her

day and 2) unable to see the beautiful person your daughter is despite

having something on her face she might not agree with.

I also have 2 tattoos and one is visible on my upper arm, though tiny. I do

get teased about it sometimes but that's it. Tattoos and piercings are

actually quite mainstream.

Please give your daughter a hug for me. XOXO

>

>

> Hi, and welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I'm glad you

> found the board, because it has been a wonderful source of validation and

> good advice for me. I have a few comments that I will insert below.

>

>

>

> >> she berated (once again) my 17 year old daughter for having her nose

> pierced (a small stud on the side).

>

> My sister pierced her nose once. Mostly because she wanted to, but also

> because she knew it would pi** my mom off big time. Oh, those younger

> siblings!

>

> >> i proceeded to tell my father that until my mother can apologize to my

> daughter and stop judging and criticizing her, we will not be seeing her....

> My daughters birthday was last week, and my dad phoned to see if he and my

> mom would see her. So, I once again extended the olive branch and invited

> them both for a luncheon on my daughter's birthday.

>

> First, I understand how powerful the feelings of guilt and obligation can

> be, coupled with not wanting to hurt your dad's feelings. But can you see

> how " extending the olive branch " in this case teaches your parents that you

> don't really mean what you say? Are you really surprised that she didn't

> apologize? If you are going to set limits (which, btw, yours was

> reasonable), they will work better for you if you will really be serious

> about them. In this case, you would have told your dad when he called (if

> you even chose to answer the phone at all) that it's just not going to work

> out this year, since your mother has still not changed her behavior. It will

> take a while of consistently showing them that you mean what you say for

> things to improve.

>

> >> It almost makes me physically ill to even be in her presence any more.

>

> I can understand that. Even just hearing her voice or seeing her name on

> the caller id does it for me. I had been LC with my parents because I really

> wanted to let my children have access to the good things about their

> grandparents, but we have been NC for the past 6 months, and I think my

> family is much happier.

>

>

> >> I have written her a letter but didn't send it yet as I don't want my

> dad to be living in any more hell than he already is.

>

> Your father is an adult who can choose for himself whether he wants to

> endure abuse. If he is in hell, it is because he wants to be. You are not

> his parent, and he doesn't need you to protect him. If you need to send a

> letter, send it. If you need to set a limit, set it. You are not responsible

> for how your mother chooses to react, and you are not responsible for what

> behaviors your father chooses to tolerate. You *are* responsible for your

> own behavior, and for protecting and defending your children.

>

> I had two BPD grandmothers, a NPD grandfather, and an NPD/BPD uncle & aunt.

> So my en-dad and BPD mother think they are totally the normal ones! They

> chose NC with my aunt & uncle from when I was very young, and my grandmothers

> also died when I was a child. So I didn't have to deal directly with very

> much of the extended family mess, for which I am grateful. Any space you can

> give yourself and your children will be good. Showing your daughter that she

> does not have to tolerate abuse is even better.

>

> Good luck--you're on the right track already.

>

> Sveta

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Im4 and all the other new folks,

I'm sorry you needed to find us, but this is a great Group made up of other

adult children of personality-disordered parents who truly understand what

you're going through; we've been there too.

You already have such a great deal of insight! You realize that your mother has

personality disorder and that it truly is a severe mental illness. You realize

that its necessary to protect children from emotional abuse by adults. You

realize that your dad is not capable of dealing with this dysfunctional behavior

in any way and that he is enmeshed with your mother, so you have a head start on

the journey toward a healthier emotional life and healing from the emotional

damage your parents inflict.

Its very common, almost universal, for the borderline pd woman to attract and

marry a rescuing, non-confrontational, emotionally dependent, enabling kind of

male. We sometimes refer to them here as " dishrag dads. "

That's great that you've read SWOE, that has some good information in it about

setting up healthy, reasonable boundaries for yourself. I also recommend

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " and

books about overcoming co-dependency.

Its a great deal of information and new thinking to digest and absorb.

Bottom line:

*You have the right to protect yourself from an abusive person, even if the

abusive person is your own mother or father. (And you have a duty and

responsibility to protect a child from an abusive adult.)

*Simply making yourself unavailable to be an emotional punching bag does not

make you a bad human being or a bad daughter.

*Low Contact (with boundaries and consequences firmly in place) or No Contact

(either temporarily or permanently) are viable options and are morally neutral.

*You are not responsible for the feelings of another adult, you are not

responsible for whether your mother is happy or not. Her feelings are her own

responsibility.

*Any guilt or responsibility you feel in this regard is inappropriate and

misplaced. Your mother is projecting her own guilt and responsibility onto you.

*You did not cause your mother to be mentally ill, and you can't cure her.

*You have no power to rescue your dad from his self-imposed hell. He is the only

one with that power, and its his choice to stay there or leave.

So, anyway, welcome!

-Annie

>

> This is my first time on this site, so glad I found it. I'm reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and believe I have found the clues to who my mom really

is. Just for an example of the latest event, she berated (once again) my 17

year old daughter for having her nose pierced (a small stud on the side). This

isn't something I am proud that she did, but I am trying to pick my battles as I

realize how difficult this world is for teenagers. Well, my daughter and I went

over to visit my parents (who are elderly, mom is 79, dad is 84). Once my

mother got a glimpse of the stud in my daughters nose, she said to her " I am so

disappointed in you, I guess this is an indication of what type of a person you

are and I guess this means you are going to get into other things.............. "

She stormed down the hallway and closed the door to the computer room where she

plays pogo endlessly. All of this was done in front of one of my friends and my

father as well. I left with my daughter and friend shortly afterwards and we

had been given the silent treatment for about a week. I phoned my parents home

the day after this event, and my father answered (I knew he would, as the

pattern of my mom's behavior is so predictable) i proceeded to tell my father

that until my mother can apologize to my daughter and stop judging and

criticizing her, we will not be seeing her. Sadly, my dad has been beaten down

for so many years by this woman that he has no idea how to stop enabling her

behavior. He just wants peace in his " castle " at all costs. Which, translated

means, my daughter and I should just understand that " this is how your mother is

and you should just accept it " . Well, quite frankly, I have had enough of her

treating me this way since I was a child, and of her treating my daughter this

way. My daughters birthday was last week, and my dad phoned to see if he and my

mom would see her. So, I once again extended the olive branch and invited them

both for a luncheon on my daughter's birthday. Got a phone call the morning of

my daughter's birthday and was told that my mom was sick. (I already know

that!) So, we dutifully stopped over to their home and my mother placed herself

on a chair outside on the patio, crying and visually upset. My poor daughter,

on her birthday, went outside to talk to Nana at the urging of my father. She

was met with yet more criticism, no apology for her previous harsh words, and

was just berated even more and also asked, " what would you do if nana pierced

her nose?? " Sadly, I have never really had a " mom " , but a " mother " who

consistently acted/acts like a child. Mother's day rolls around and I force

myself to pick out a card - but feeling like a hypocrite by picking out a card

that said what a wonderful mother she is, I tried to just find a " generic " card.

Finally did and mailed it. On the " official day " I dropped by (once again for

my father's sake) with dinner, flowers, and a gift for my " mom " . She had that

pitiful sad-sack look on her face (so typical) and you could cut the tension in

the house with a knife. All she did was small talk about other people's

ailments, and basic nonsense. I left about an hour or so after I got there -

couldn't take it anymore. Of course I thought about brining up the

inappropriate conversation with my daughter, etc. but figured it would just be

met with more drama. I know she's getting older and my poor father is a mess

because of her moods, self-righteousness, and her constant expectations of

everyone in her family. She is perpetually the " victim " and has no empathy for

anyone one else. It almost makes me physically ill to even be in her presence

any more. There is so much more history to this but there's no point in airing

all the dirty laundry out. I have written her a letter but didn't send it yet

as I don't want my dad to be living in any more hell than he already is. This

is a horrible, horrible way to live and I refuse to allow my daughter to be

verbally abused by her anymore. I don't care if it is her grandmother. My

grandmother treated me the same way (my mother's mom) and I ended up first

fearing her as a child, then avoiding her and loathing her as an adult. So, any

advice from others with a BPD mom I sincerely appreciate. I will never have the

mother I dreamed of having, will never have more than a superficial conversation

with her, nor will she ever know who I am. Sorry for rambling on about this.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear im4vrnotw,

It is obvious that your mother is not a nice person. We may not be able to

arrive at a precise diagnosis based on the information we have so far, but from

what you have described, BPD is definitely a strong possibility, and there is

one thing of which I am fairly certain - this is not a healthy situation for

your daughter. I know how hard it can be, because I have a teen who has had to

learn how to " deal " with his grandmother, and I know that unless we completely

cut out these toxic grandparents from our children's lives, there will be some

instances of mistreatment. However, we can and must minimize the effect this has

on our kids, otherwise we set our children up. The kids must know that it is NOT

ok for anybody to treat them like that, because there are a lot of people in

this world who will take advantage of someone who is used to being mistreated

and always coming back.

I always stand up for my kids and I make a point of always telling them when

their grandmother has been out of line. I also make sure to validate my

children's feelings whenever they are upset over something grandma has

said/done. I emphasize that while there are things we tolerate from her, we

should not tolerate them from anyone else. I also make sure to acknowledge to

them, periodically, that this is a double standard - the fact that we allow

grandma to do/say things that we wouldn't let anyone else do/say, and I explain

to them that because she is my mother, and she has brought me into this world,

and she does the as well as she can given her illness, we make allowances for

her that we would not make for anyone else.

You are doing the right thing by standing up for your daughter and protecting

her form " grandma " .

Arianna

P.S. As far as airing dirty laundry... we do a lot of that here. I can't speak

for others, but I can tell you that it has been incredibly therapeutic for me,

because I kept all that laundry locked in my soul for so long the stench was

starting to asphyxiate me.

>

> This is my first time on this site, so glad I found it. I'm reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and believe I have found the clues to who my mom really

is. Just for an example of the latest event, she berated (once again) my 17

year old daughter for having her nose pierced (a small stud on the side). This

isn't something I am proud that she did, but I am trying to pick my battles as I

realize how difficult this world is for teenagers. Well, my daughter and I went

over to visit my parents (who are elderly, mom is 79, dad is 84). Once my

mother got a glimpse of the stud in my daughters nose, she said to her " I am so

disappointed in you, I guess this is an indication of what type of a person you

are and I guess this means you are going to get into other things.............. "

She stormed down the hallway and closed the door to the computer room where she

plays pogo endlessly. All of this was done in front of one of my friends and my

father as well. I left with my daughter and friend shortly afterwards and we

had been given the silent treatment for about a week. I phoned my parents home

the day after this event, and my father answered (I knew he would, as the

pattern of my mom's behavior is so predictable) i proceeded to tell my father

that until my mother can apologize to my daughter and stop judging and

criticizing her, we will not be seeing her. Sadly, my dad has been beaten down

for so many years by this woman that he has no idea how to stop enabling her

behavior. He just wants peace in his " castle " at all costs. Which, translated

means, my daughter and I should just understand that " this is how your mother is

and you should just accept it " . Well, quite frankly, I have had enough of her

treating me this way since I was a child, and of her treating my daughter this

way. My daughters birthday was last week, and my dad phoned to see if he and my

mom would see her. So, I once again extended the olive branch and invited them

both for a luncheon on my daughter's birthday. Got a phone call the morning of

my daughter's birthday and was told that my mom was sick. (I already know

that!) So, we dutifully stopped over to their home and my mother placed herself

on a chair outside on the patio, crying and visually upset. My poor daughter,

on her birthday, went outside to talk to Nana at the urging of my father. She

was met with yet more criticism, no apology for her previous harsh words, and

was just berated even more and also asked, " what would you do if nana pierced

her nose?? " Sadly, I have never really had a " mom " , but a " mother " who

consistently acted/acts like a child. Mother's day rolls around and I force

myself to pick out a card - but feeling like a hypocrite by picking out a card

that said what a wonderful mother she is, I tried to just find a " generic " card.

Finally did and mailed it. On the " official day " I dropped by (once again for

my father's sake) with dinner, flowers, and a gift for my " mom " . She had that

pitiful sad-sack look on her face (so typical) and you could cut the tension in

the house with a knife. All she did was small talk about other people's

ailments, and basic nonsense. I left about an hour or so after I got there -

couldn't take it anymore. Of course I thought about brining up the

inappropriate conversation with my daughter, etc. but figured it would just be

met with more drama. I know she's getting older and my poor father is a mess

because of her moods, self-righteousness, and her constant expectations of

everyone in her family. She is perpetually the " victim " and has no empathy for

anyone one else. It almost makes me physically ill to even be in her presence

any more. There is so much more history to this but there's no point in airing

all the dirty laundry out. I have written her a letter but didn't send it yet

as I don't want my dad to be living in any more hell than he already is. This

is a horrible, horrible way to live and I refuse to allow my daughter to be

verbally abused by her anymore. I don't care if it is her grandmother. My

grandmother treated me the same way (my mother's mom) and I ended up first

fearing her as a child, then avoiding her and loathing her as an adult. So, any

advice from others with a BPD mom I sincerely appreciate. I will never have the

mother I dreamed of having, will never have more than a superficial conversation

with her, nor will she ever know who I am. Sorry for rambling on about this.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the board. Like you, I never realized that my nada's behavior wasn't

" normal. " I just thought she was kind of mean and critical. Even when she

bragged about controlling me by using guilt, I thought maybe that wasn't a bad

thing. Even when she discussed her sex life with me when I was in elementary

school, I didn't know other moms didn't do that. She kept telling me how close

we were and how I'm the only one that brought her any comfort. Yet on the other

hand, she was always mad at me for something. It took a comment from a counselor

last year to open my eyes. She pointed out the BPD connection and I read the

book too. Wow!

Since being here and reading other's stories and experiences, I'm learning more

and more. The book just skims the surface. It's the everyday things that happen

between us and our BPD people that's hard to describe unless you've lived it.

You'll find great understanding here and encouragement. I'm 58 and finally

learning to tune out my nada's manipulations. It's hard work after so many years

of responding/reacting to her garbage but it can get better.

As for your daughter, a nose piercing is no big deal. My daughter did that plus

her belly button. My youngest son had another piercing you-know-where. Teens try

so hard to be different. LOL Thankfully they both outgrew that urge to be weird.

All my kids are terrific adults and have no relationship with my nada. They're

smarter than me. :-)

>

My grandmother treated me the same way (my mother's mom) and I ended up first

fearing her as a child, then avoiding her and loathing her as an adult. So, any

advice from others with a BPD mom I sincerely appreciate. I will never have the

mother I dreamed of having, will never have more than a superficial conversation

with her, nor will she ever know who I am. Sorry for rambling on about this.

>

[Guest guest]

The mom and dad dynamic sounds familiar. Esp the dad is beaten down and answers

phone when mom is pissed...

 

Best of luck. Learning about BPD and how to handle a nada is a journey, but a

very important one

Subject: Would like your opinion on my mom having BPD

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, May 12, 2011, 11:09 PM

 

This is my first time on this site, so glad I found it. I'm reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and believe I have found the clues to who my mom really

is. Just for an example of the latest event, she berated (once again) my 17 year

old daughter for having her nose pierced (a small stud on the side). This isn't

something I am proud that she did, but I am trying to pick my battles as I

realize how difficult this world is for teenagers. Well, my daughter and I went

over to visit my parents (who are elderly, mom is 79, dad is 84). Once my mother

got a glimpse of the stud in my daughters nose, she said to her " I am so

disappointed in you, I guess this is an indication of what type of a person you

are and I guess this means you are going to get into other things.............. "

She stormed down the hallway and closed the door to the computer room where she

plays pogo endlessly. All of this was done in front of one of my friends and my

father as well. I left

with my daughter and friend shortly afterwards and we had been given the silent

treatment for about a week. I phoned my parents home the day after this event,

and my father answered (I knew he would, as the pattern of my mom's behavior is

so predictable) i proceeded to tell my father that until my mother can apologize

to my daughter and stop judging and criticizing her, we will not be seeing her.

Sadly, my dad has been beaten down for so many years by this woman that he has

no idea how to stop enabling her behavior. He just wants peace in his " castle "

at all costs. Which, translated means, my daughter and I should just understand

that " this is how your mother is and you should just accept it " . Well, quite

frankly, I have had enough of her treating me this way since I was a child, and

of her treating my daughter this way. My daughters birthday was last week, and

my dad phoned to see if he and my mom would see her. So, I once again extended

the olive

branch and invited them both for a luncheon on my daughter's birthday. Got a

phone call the morning of my daughter's birthday and was told that my mom was

sick. (I already know that!) So, we dutifully stopped over to their home and my

mother placed herself on a chair outside on the patio, crying and visually

upset. My poor daughter, on her birthday, went outside to talk to Nana at the

urging of my father. She was met with yet more criticism, no apology for her

previous harsh words, and was just berated even more and also asked, " what would

you do if nana pierced her nose?? " Sadly, I have never really had a " mom " , but a

" mother " who consistently acted/acts like a child. Mother's day rolls around and

I force myself to pick out a card - but feeling like a hypocrite by picking out

a card that said what a wonderful mother she is, I tried to just find a

" generic " card. Finally did and mailed it. On the " official day " I dropped by

(once again for my father's

sake) with dinner, flowers, and a gift for my " mom " . She had that pitiful

sad-sack look on her face (so typical) and you could cut the tension in the

house with a knife. All she did was small talk about other people's ailments,

and basic nonsense. I left about an hour or so after I got there - couldn't take

it anymore. Of course I thought about brining up the inappropriate conversation

with my daughter, etc. but figured it would just be met with more drama. I know

she's getting older and my poor father is a mess because of her moods,

self-righteousness, and her constant expectations of everyone in her family. She

is perpetually the " victim " and has no empathy for anyone one else. It almost

makes me physically ill to even be in her presence any more. There is so much

more history to this but there's no point in airing all the dirty laundry out. I

have written her a letter but didn't send it yet as I don't want my dad to be

living in any more hell than he

already is. This is a horrible, horrible way to live and I refuse to allow my

daughter to be verbally abused by her anymore. I don't care if it is her

grandmother. My grandmother treated me the same way (my mother's mom) and I

ended up first fearing her as a child, then avoiding her and loathing her as an

adult. So, any advice from others with a BPD mom I sincerely appreciate. I will

never have the mother I dreamed of having, will never have more than a

superficial conversation with her, nor will she ever know who I am. Sorry for

rambling on about this.

[Guest guest]

Hi and welcome.

I feel sorry for you reading your description of this. This person sounds an

AWFUL lot like my mother.

However, because I never found out if my mother has a formal diagnosis or not, I

can't tell you this is BPD.

But please listen to the wise people above. I agree with what is said there

100%.

--.