Guest guest Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 Last Tuesday ,having had to change an appointment,I arrived home at 7PM and the phone was ringing. My Nada was hysterical that I had not been home for her usual call ,(one of many daily calls)after she finishes dinner. This call normally is about how terrible the food was,how she had to eat by herself because the others are all " peasants " etc...etc..SHE HAD CALLED THE POLICE AND THE HOSPITALSs!!!! and was screaming in the phone at what a terrible daughter I was not to let her know I was going to be late! I am 65 years old, she 93. My career has taken me around the world many times. My Nada never worked a day in her life.Is this her way of excercising what little power she feels entitled to? She has not called me in four days and I am enjoying the peace to a certain extent because I know there will be hell to pay when she decides she needs something from me. Is there any way to ever find total peace of mind? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 You get to decide if you are going to accept being verbally abused/emotionally blackmailed, or not. If during a phone call your nada begins to attack you, call you names, demean you, etc., the moment she does so, you can very calmly interrupt her or talk over her and say something like " I understand that you are upset right now mother, but I'm not going to listen to you when you call me names/say abusive things to me/scream at me/cry hysterically. We can talk again later when you are calmer. I'm hanging up now. Bye. " And you just keep doing that very, VERY consistently. At the first screeching accusation, the first ugly name, the first unfair criticism, hysterical crying, etc., you respond calmly, like a broken record, " I will not listen to you when you say things like that to me/speak to me that way. We can talk again later. I'm hanging up now. Bye. " You are going to have a lot of very, VERY short conversations with your nada. You also get to decide how many of these encounters you want to have in your day, and their duration. I vote for once a day. Or one per week. And keep each call to 10 minutes or so. But you get to decide what feels doable/tolerable for you. Your nada has *trained* you probably since your birth to accept this mistreatment as normal: to be her human toilet that she can crap her toxic emotional waste into... but you can decide if you want to continue servicing her in that way, or make a change. Simply making yourself unavailable for abuse does not make you a bad human being or a bad daughter; it is a morally neutral act. That's my take on it, anyway. But each of us has a unique situation and what feels workable for me may not feel workable for you. I hope you find something that does work for you. -Annie > > Last Tuesday ,having had to change an appointment,I arrived home at 7PM and the phone was ringing. > My Nada was hysterical that I had not been home for her usual call ,(one of many daily calls)after she finishes dinner. > This call normally is about how terrible the food was,how she had to eat by herself because the others are all " peasants " etc...etc..SHE HAD CALLED THE POLICE AND THE HOSPITALSs!!!! and was screaming in the phone at what a terrible daughter I was not to let her know I was going to be late! > I am 65 years old, she 93. My career has taken me around the world many times. My Nada never worked a day in her life.Is this her way of excercising what little power she feels entitled to? She has not called me in four days and I am enjoying the peace to a certain extent because I know there will be hell to pay when she decides she needs something from me. > Is there any way to ever find total peace of mind? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 I've been wondering the same thing as Jocelyn, and I always find Annie's postings so insightful and thoughtful. I haven't talked to my mom in 2 weeks. 2 total weeks. That's a long time for us. I finally decided that I couldn't ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. But I thought I'd feel better. I thought it wouldn't consume me anymore. I find she's still torturing me. I even had a dream about her last night...and she was mad at me, making excuses for her last tyrant. Only this time, I know it's nothing she's doing. It's me. But how do I stop thinking about her and what she does and her craziness and her pain, etc....? How do I find my own life? Grrr. > > > > Last Tuesday ,having had to change an appointment,I arrived home at 7PM and the phone was ringing. > > My Nada was hysterical that I had not been home for her usual call ,(one of many daily calls)after she finishes dinner. > > This call normally is about how terrible the food was,how she had to eat by herself because the others are all " peasants " etc...etc..SHE HAD CALLED THE POLICE AND THE HOSPITALSs!!!! and was screaming in the phone at what a terrible daughter I was not to let her know I was going to be late! > > I am 65 years old, she 93. My career has taken me around the world many times. My Nada never worked a day in her life.Is this her way of excercising what little power she feels entitled to? She has not called me in four days and I am enjoying the peace to a certain extent because I know there will be hell to pay when she decides she needs something from me. > > Is there any way to ever find total peace of mind? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 Part of this process is realizing and accepting that the way your mother feels about her life in general: her unhappiness, her pain, is her own responsibility. Another person is not capable of making your mother happy inside herself, happy with herself. She's the only one who can do that. But she has trained you, her child, to take on the burden of responsibility for her feelings, inappropriately. As a small child, you had no way of realizing that that was wrong for your mother to do to you: to make you her parent, make you feel responsible for rescuing her, for entertaining her, for putting her first, taking care of her needs and feelings before your own. Feeling guilty and responsible for your mother's emotional well-being is both inappropriate and misplaced. If anyone should be feeling guilty, its your mother for burdening her own child with this inappropriate responsibility, using her own child for her own gratification with no concern about how that might be hurting you, and manipulating her own child through inflicting inappropriate guilt. All of that was and is wrong and abusive of *nada*. If you can start taking in that concept and accepting it, that's one step in the right direction; it will help you shift the inappropriate and misplaced guilt/responsibility you're feeling back onto the shoulders of the one who *should* be carrying it. I also suggest checking out the reading list at the WTO home site for books about overcoming unhealthy co-dependency, which is feeling inappropriately responsible for another adult's feelings. I've heard that " Co-Dependent No More " is pretty good. -Annie > > > > > > Last Tuesday ,having had to change an appointment,I arrived home at 7PM and the phone was ringing. > > > My Nada was hysterical that I had not been home for her usual call ,(one of many daily calls)after she finishes dinner. > > > This call normally is about how terrible the food was,how she had to eat by herself because the others are all " peasants " etc...etc..SHE HAD CALLED THE POLICE AND THE HOSPITALSs!!!! and was screaming in the phone at what a terrible daughter I was not to let her know I was going to be late! > > > I am 65 years old, she 93. My career has taken me around the world many times. My Nada never worked a day in her life.Is this her way of excercising what little power she feels entitled to? She has not called me in four days and I am enjoying the peace to a certain extent because I know there will be hell to pay when she decides she needs something from me. > > > Is there any way to ever find total peace of mind? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 I'm sorry she ranted at you like this. I know it's probably not the first time and won't be the last. It still is upsetting. I take it she's in some kind of assisted care? So she's safe and has people around that can respond if there's a problem. Like you, for a long time after my dad died, I was calling my nada every day. It seemed like the right thing to do. But it ended up like your situation. If I didn't call right at 3:00, she would get real snotty. Every day I stressed over getting home in time to call her " or else! " I can't remember exactly how the conversation went but several months ago we talked about her " worry " about me when I don't call on time. I told her it might be better if I call when I have a few free minutes. Then we can just sit back and relax and chat (that means I get to listen to her complain about everything on the planet). She happened to be in a decent mood that day and so I was freed from being on the phone every day at a specific time. Your nada hasn't called you in 4 days but are you really able to enjoy that free time? I know I haven't been able to fully relax when I know mine's at home angry at me. I shouldn't care but I can feel the tension across the river. LOL I think the only time we'll be free is when they're gone. At least I hope I finally feel free then. > > Last Tuesday ,having had to change an appointment,I arrived home at 7PM and the phone was ringing. > My Nada was hysterical that I had not been home for her usual call ,(one of many daily calls)after she finishes dinner. > This call normally is about how terrible the food was,how she had to eat by herself because the others are all " peasants " etc...etc..SHE HAD CALLED THE POLICE AND THE HOSPITALSs!!!! and was screaming in the phone at what a terrible daughter I was not to let her know I was going to be late! > I am 65 years old, she 93. My career has taken me around the world many times. My Nada never worked a day in her life.Is this her way of excercising what little power she feels entitled to? She has not called me in four days and I am enjoying the peace to a certain extent because I know there will be hell to pay when she decides she needs something from me. > Is there any way to ever find total peace of mind? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.