Guest guest Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 A week ago I finished the academic year - I am now half-way to achieving my dream, after having to put it off for so long. As you may remember, nada invited herself to my house to " help " me for 3 months. She was up to her shenanigans until I threatened to make her leave, so she has been acting much better for the last month and a half. Now that I have finished my exams for the time being, she feels entitled to have " discussions " with me. My mother is high-functioning and very intelligent, so when she is not yelling she can sound reasonable enough to make you think " maybe she has a point?! " , until you compare her version of things to a somewhat more objective set of facts. So tonight she is trying to tell me how I have mistreated her, and how she is the most amazing mother in the universe and how I am " sick " , etc., etc. She is now trying this from a different angle, and she had the nerve to tell me: " I am sure you had a very traumatic childhood, but it has damaged you, and it's not your fault, that you are so sick and twisted and mistreating the most amazing mother in the world. You are addicted to people who hate me and ruin my life. " And on, and on, and on... You know what's amazing? A mere 5 years ago I would have gotten so twisted into a pretzel by a rant like this, I would have engaged, I would have tried to reason and explain, I would have tried to be logical and analytical, objective and reasonable, until I would have felt completely spent, emotionally drained, psychologically battered. It would have taken me a week to recover from the verbal lashing. But tonight... tonight I am not engaged, I am firm in my knowledge that I am not a horrible human being for choosing to fall in love with a man, for creating a family in which two incredibly amazing children have been nurtured for more than a decade. I know I am not crazy to expect that parents should not use their children as emotional punching bags - no matter how young/old the children may be. I am not engaging, I am not feeling battered, I am not feeling like the world is twisted, I am not feeling like I live in a world of fun-house mirrors, I am not feeling like I may lose my mind tonight. Knowledge is power... I have the power to free myself from the emotional/psychological torture chamber of my childhood and my young-adult life. Yes it is still hard, because I still have to deal with this, while others who come from more " normal " families can focus their energies on advancing their careers, enjoying their hobbies, enriching their lives, I will still spend hours of my life in this private little crazy-room, but things could have been worse... much much worse... I could have still been in the dark - without knowledge, without power, alone, confused, hurt, crying myself to sleep at night. Arianna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Whose fault does she think your traumatic childhood is if not hers? And anytime someone says " You are sick but I am the most amazing person alive, " I think that's diagnostic for BPD right there. A normal person whose child was sick would be wracking their minds for ways to help. I hope you kick her out! On Sat, May 14, 2011 at 10:29 PM, Arianna wrote: > > > A week ago I finished the academic year - I am now half-way to achieving my > dream, after having to put it off for so long. > > As you may remember, nada invited herself to my house to " help " me for 3 > months. She was up to her shenanigans until I threatened to make her leave, > so she has been acting much better for the last month and a half. Now that I > have finished my exams for the time being, she feels entitled to have > " discussions " with me. > > My mother is high-functioning and very intelligent, so when she is not > yelling she can sound reasonable enough to make you think " maybe she has a > point?! " , until you compare her version of things to a somewhat more > objective set of facts. > > So tonight she is trying to tell me how I have mistreated her, and how she > is the most amazing mother in the universe and how I am " sick " , etc., etc. > She is now trying this from a different angle, and she had the nerve to tell > me: " I am sure you had a very traumatic childhood, but it has damaged you, > and it's not your fault, that you are so sick and twisted and mistreating > the most amazing mother in the world. You are addicted to people who hate me > and ruin my life. " > > And on, and on, and on... > > You know what's amazing? A mere 5 years ago I would have gotten so twisted > into a pretzel by a rant like this, I would have engaged, I would have tried > to reason and explain, I would have tried to be logical and analytical, > objective and reasonable, until I would have felt completely spent, > emotionally drained, psychologically battered. It would have taken me a week > to recover from the verbal lashing. But tonight... tonight I am not engaged, > I am firm in my knowledge that I am not a horrible human being for choosing > to fall in love with a man, for creating a family in which two incredibly > amazing children have been nurtured for more than a decade. I know I am not > crazy to expect that parents should not use their children as emotional > punching bags - no matter how young/old the children may be. > > I am not engaging, I am not feeling battered, I am not feeling like the > world is twisted, I am not feeling like I live in a world of fun-house > mirrors, I am not feeling like I may lose my mind tonight. > > Knowledge is power... I have the power to free myself from the > emotional/psychological torture chamber of my childhood and my young-adult > life. > > Yes it is still hard, because I still have to deal with this, while others > who come from more " normal " families can focus their energies on advancing > their careers, enjoying their hobbies, enriching their lives, I will still > spend hours of my life in this private little crazy-room, but things could > have been worse... much much worse... I could have still been in the dark - > without knowledge, without power, alone, confused, hurt, crying myself to > sleep at night. > > Arianna > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Dear Girlscout, thank you for the supportive words. It actually shocked me that she would even admit that I had a difficult childhood, because typically she is the victim and I have lived an amazing life, and I and everyone else is always wronging her and taking advantage of her. The level of cognitive dissonance is usually astoundingly high (like when she recounts the horrible fights she had with my father, or her parents, and how she would leave the house in the middle of the night, and completely ignores the fact that I had to witness those fights and had to be dragged out onto the street and to some other relative's or friend's house at 2 and 3 AM). She has said, many many many times to anyone within earshot how she has given her daughter a " princess's life " . (Yeah, sure mom! I guess since you did make a princess costume for me one year for Halloween, I lived the life of privilege and bliss! Puhleeeeez...) So when she actually used the word " traumatic " in reference to my childhood, she really caught me by surprise. This would have really confused the younger me, the one who didn't know about BPD yet, didn't know that the crazy has a name. It would have made me question my own sanity, my grip on reality, etc. etc. That is why I had to pause and reflect on the power of knowledge. Knowing that this insanity has a name, learning about BPD, has been a huge gift, if not a life-saving, then at least a sanity-saving gift. None of the KOs here will be surprised to hear that she took credit for everything good in my life today, declaring that I would be " nothing " and " on the street " without her (never mind that she is in MY house right now, and I have been working at least half time since I was 17 and have been completely financially disengaged from her since I was 21), and how everything I have achieved in my life is her achievement, and how the reason my kids are amazing and not some low-life street urchins is because of her.... I had to concentrate so hard in order not to burst out laughing (keeping a straight face felt like a Herculean task). And here is the kicker - after having done all THAT for me, she has been mistreated, she has been cast aside, she has been destroyed and shut out by her only child, who is a cold, heartless ingrate. Unfortunately she seems unable to change her ticket to leave any sooner than the 21st. I am in the middle of a move right now, so I am trying to ignore the drama as much as possible. One lesson learned, while I have come a long way in my understanding of my mother's condition, and I have generally been successful in setting boundaries, I do falter sometimes (like allowing her to come live with me for almost 3 months). This was a huge wake-up call. I will have to remember that this never works well, so in the future I have to be better about setting and observing this boundary - no more long visits. > > Whose fault does she think your traumatic childhood is if not hers? > > And anytime someone says " You are sick but I am the most amazing person > alive, " I think that's diagnostic for BPD right there. A normal person whose > child was sick would be wracking their minds for ways to help. > > I hope you kick her out! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 Huh - I wonder why she " can't " change her ticket. I bet she could! On Sun, May 15, 2011 at 10:11 PM, Arianna wrote: > > > Dear Girlscout, thank you for the supportive words. > > It actually shocked me that she would even admit that I had a difficult > childhood, because typically she is the victim and I have lived an amazing > life, and I and everyone else is always wronging her and taking advantage of > her. The level of cognitive dissonance is usually astoundingly high (like > when she recounts the horrible fights she had with my father, or her > parents, and how she would leave the house in the middle of the night, and > completely ignores the fact that I had to witness those fights and had to be > dragged out onto the street and to some other relative's or friend's house > at 2 and 3 AM). She has said, many many many times to anyone within earshot > how she has given her daughter a " princess's life " . (Yeah, sure mom! I guess > since you did make a princess costume for me one year for Halloween, I lived > the life of privilege and bliss! Puhleeeeez...) So when she actually used > the word " traumatic " in reference to my childhood, she really caught me by > surprise. This would have really confused the younger me, the one who didn't > know about BPD yet, didn't know that the crazy has a name. It would have > made me question my own sanity, my grip on reality, etc. etc. > > That is why I had to pause and reflect on the power of knowledge. Knowing > that this insanity has a name, learning about BPD, has been a huge gift, if > not a life-saving, then at least a sanity-saving gift. > > None of the KOs here will be surprised to hear that she took credit for > everything good in my life today, declaring that I would be " nothing " and > " on the street " without her (never mind that she is in MY house right now, > and I have been working at least half time since I was 17 and have been > completely financially disengaged from her since I was 21), and how > everything I have achieved in my life is her achievement, and how the reason > my kids are amazing and not some low-life street urchins is because of > her.... I had to concentrate so hard in order not to burst out laughing > (keeping a straight face felt like a Herculean task). And here is the kicker > - after having done all THAT for me, she has been mistreated, she has been > cast aside, she has been destroyed and shut out by her only child, who is a > cold, heartless ingrate. > > Unfortunately she seems unable to change her ticket to leave any sooner > than the 21st. I am in the middle of a move right now, so I am trying to > ignore the drama as much as possible. > > One lesson learned, while I have come a long way in my understanding of my > mother's condition, and I have generally been successful in setting > boundaries, I do falter sometimes (like allowing her to come live with me > for almost 3 months). This was a huge wake-up call. I will have to remember > that this never works well, so in the future I have to be better about > setting and observing this boundary - no more long visits. > > > > > > > Whose fault does she think your traumatic childhood is if not hers? > > > > And anytime someone says " You are sick but I am the most amazing person > > alive, " I think that's diagnostic for BPD right there. A normal person > whose > > child was sick would be wracking their minds for ways to help. > > > > I hope you kick her out! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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