Re: Why are healthy boundaries called disrespectful?

[Guest guest]

OMG, I hate it when people ask me how much I pay for things. None of their

effing biz. I usually make a flippant comment or i ask them how much their

watch cost, things like that. I'm not cool with that behavior. I can't

believe anyone would be!

My office manager is famous for it She's an accountant, so I guess

counting money is her thing. I usually tease her about it and then she

starts to giggle. Boyfriend's dad does it a lot too - he's really really

interested in money and always wants to know how much we made on things, how

much our cars are worth, etc. How much is your jag worth dad? And then he is

off on that topic for 1/2 hour at least.

>

>

> So this is just and observation:

>

> Most of my family is gathering in my hometown for my grandpa's funeral.

> They are all understanding that I can't be there; in fact, no one (but my

> stupid flying monkey brother and nada) even considered that I could make it.

> They all just assumed/knew that it wasn't possible, which was a relief

> (except for unnerving email from flying monkey bro that upset me for a whole

> day because I already felt bad).

>

> So I'll try and skip the back story on bro and his PD wife, but he came out

> ahead of his wife and kids (none of us are sure why they are all flying in

> for the funeral--the kids are very young and were not close to

> grandpa--also, grandma does not seem to want the kids there right now, but

> bro doesn't seem to care about her wishes), anyways, my dad and stepmom live

> in 4 hours away, so they drove up this morning and are staying at the hotel

> they normally stay at while they visit grandma. Bro got some deal at a hotel

> on the river.

>

> Grandma asks dad what his rate at the hotel is, then criticizes him for not

> getting the deal brother got. When stepmom tells me about this, I say: the

> rate you got is really none of her business. You always stay at that hotel.

> You like it. If you are comfortable with the cost, etc., then it doesn't

> matter.

>

> She said, but that's disrespectful.

>

> I responded: no, it's not. Dad is nearly 60 years old. His finances are his

> own business. You do not have to disclose how much you paid for the hotel or

> anything, for that matter. It really is none of her business. Yes, she is

> grieving, and, no, you don't have to be mean about it. Just say something to

> the effect of you got a good rate and you don't want to discuss it. (Grandma

> is a little bit of a meddler--histrionic uncle gets it from her, but she is

> just bored and gossipy, not PD to my knowledge, so I think if they just

> politely and gently set the boundary, she wouldn't even blink and go with

> it.)

>

> But I just was amazed that even though she didn't want to talk about it,

> and neither did my dad, that they both felt that saying " no " to grandma was

> disrespectful. It's not like they were saying " no, we won't take care of you

> in your old age " , it was just " no, we don't want to discuss our financial

> decisions with you. "

>

> It dawned on me that the inability to set healthy boundaries is an epidemic

> in my family, and it also has illuminated my understanding of why my dad put

> up with nada for so long. Grandma is not like nada, but I can see in how my

> dad relates to grandma why he couldn't stand up to nada.

>

> On another subject, I was really upset when I found out, and I wanted other

> people's take on this: both of my brothers contacted me shortly after but,

> frankly, I didn't want to talk. I just need to be sad and have some time to

> think about my grandpa. I know they were reaching out, but I wish I had told

> both of them to wait until tomorrow to call me. Ug.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Another one I've run into is that " honesty is mean. " Honesty isn't mean! You

can use honesty to BE mean, but that's like saying lying is nice...which isn't

true, either. Ugh...humans.

>

> So this is just and observation:

>

> Most of my family is gathering in my hometown for my grandpa's funeral. They

are all understanding that I can't be there; in fact, no one (but my stupid

flying monkey brother and nada) even considered that I could make it. They all

just assumed/knew that it wasn't possible, which was a relief (except for

unnerving email from flying monkey bro that upset me for a whole day because I

already felt bad).

>

> So I'll try and skip the back story on bro and his PD wife, but he came out

ahead of his wife and kids (none of us are sure why they are all flying in for

the funeral--the kids are very young and were not close to grandpa--also,

grandma does not seem to want the kids there right now, but bro doesn't seem to

care about her wishes), anyways, my dad and stepmom live in 4 hours away, so

they drove up this morning and are staying at the hotel they normally stay at

while they visit grandma. Bro got some deal at a hotel on the river.

>

> Grandma asks dad what his rate at the hotel is, then criticizes him for not

getting the deal brother got. When stepmom tells me about this, I say: the rate

you got is really none of her business. You always stay at that hotel. You like

it. If you are comfortable with the cost, etc., then it doesn't matter.

>

> She said, but that's disrespectful.

>

> I responded: no, it's not. Dad is nearly 60 years old. His finances are his

own business. You do not have to disclose how much you paid for the hotel or

anything, for that matter. It really is none of her business. Yes, she is

grieving, and, no, you don't have to be mean about it. Just say something to the

effect of you got a good rate and you don't want to discuss it. (Grandma is a

little bit of a meddler--histrionic uncle gets it from her, but she is just

bored and gossipy, not PD to my knowledge, so I think if they just politely and

gently set the boundary, she wouldn't even blink and go with it.)

>

> But I just was amazed that even though she didn't want to talk about it, and

neither did my dad, that they both felt that saying " no " to grandma was

disrespectful. It's not like they were saying " no, we won't take care of you in

your old age " , it was just " no, we don't want to discuss our financial decisions

with you. "

>

> It dawned on me that the inability to set healthy boundaries is an epidemic in

my family, and it also has illuminated my understanding of why my dad put up

with nada for so long. Grandma is not like nada, but I can see in how my dad

relates to grandma why he couldn't stand up to nada.

>

> On another subject, I was really upset when I found out, and I wanted other

people's take on this: both of my brothers contacted me shortly after but,

frankly, I didn't want to talk. I just need to be sad and have some time to

think about my grandpa. I know they were reaching out, but I wish I had told

both of them to wait until tomorrow to call me. Ug.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Healthy boundaries get called disrepectful because people have

been taught to have an unhealthy lack of boundaries, and/or

because they have no respect for others.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to not feel like talking to

your brothers on the phone right after finding out about your

grandpa's death. People need time to deal with the death of

someone they care about.

At 01:23 AM 05/15/2011 afldancer wrote:

>So this is just and observation:

>

>Most of my family is gathering in my hometown for my grandpa's

>funeral. They are all understanding that I can't be there; in

>fact, no one (but my stupid flying monkey brother and nada)

>even considered that I could make it. They all just

>assumed/knew that it wasn't possible, which was a relief

>(except for unnerving email from flying monkey bro that upset

>me for a whole day because I already felt bad).

>

>So I'll try and skip the back story on bro and his PD wife, but

>he came out ahead of his wife and kids (none of us are sure why

>they are all flying in for the funeral--the kids are very young

>and were not close to grandpa--also, grandma does not seem to

>want the kids there right now, but bro doesn't seem to care

>about her wishes), anyways, my dad and stepmom live in 4 hours

>away, so they drove up this morning and are staying at the

>hotel they normally stay at while they visit grandma. Bro got

>some deal at a hotel on the river.

>

>Grandma asks dad what his rate at the hotel is, then criticizes

>him for not getting the deal brother got. When stepmom tells me

>about this, I say: the rate you got is really none of her

>business. You always stay at that hotel. You like it. If you

>are comfortable with the cost, etc., then it doesn't matter.

>

>She said, but that's disrespectful.

>

>I responded: no, it's not. Dad is nearly 60 years old. His

>finances are his own business. You do not have to disclose how

>much you paid for the hotel or anything, for that matter. It

>really is none of her business. Yes, she is grieving, and, no,

>you don't have to be mean about it. Just say something to the

>effect of you got a good rate and you don't want to discuss it.

>(Grandma is a little bit of a meddler--histrionic uncle gets it

>from her, but she is just bored and gossipy, not PD to my

>knowledge, so I think if they just politely and gently set the

>boundary, she wouldn't even blink and go with it.)

>

>But I just was amazed that even though she didn't want to talk

>about it, and neither did my dad, that they both felt that

>saying " no " to grandma was disrespectful. It's not like they

>were saying " no, we won't take care of you in your old age " , it

>was just " no, we don't want to discuss our financial decisions

>with you. "

>

>It dawned on me that the inability to set healthy boundaries is

>an epidemic in my family, and it also has illuminated my

>understanding of why my dad put up with nada for so long.

>Grandma is not like nada, but I can see in how my dad relates

>to grandma why he couldn't stand up to nada.

>

>On another subject, I was really upset when I found out, and I

>wanted other people's take on this: both of my brothers

>contacted me shortly after but, frankly, I didn't want to talk.

>I just need to be sad and have some time to think about my

>grandpa. I know they were reaching out, but I wish I had told

>both of them to wait until tomorrow to call me. Ug.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Because sick people can't do whatever they want, whenever they want if someone

has healthy boundaries.

It's like saying " NO " to a toddler reaching for a hot stove. They might not like

it but the boundary is for everyone's well-being. But sick people cannot

understand this anymore than a toddler could.

BPD's are the 'sick' people i'm specifically thinking of here........ *winks*

BINK. YOU ARE HEALTHY BECAUSE YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES!!! Congratulations from HF.

Now let the FOG pass, and let yourself off the hook if you're feeling bad still.

I'm sorry for your loss (((xoxo)))

Hugs from HF

[Guest guest]

Sorry, correction. I meant to say sorry for your loss . I said BINK

instead....

[Guest guest]

During my last T appt I connected the dots about how my dad got caught in

supporting nada. He is repeating his mother's enabler role (his father was

depressed (bipolar?) and a rager. Additionally, the T pointed out that dad has

never really had to grow up--he went from his parent's house to the Navy to

marrying nada. Nada chooses everything they buy, do, wear, eat. She handles all

the finances. He is simply there to support her.

<<it also has illuminated my understanding of why my dad put up

with nada for so long. Grandma is not like nada, but I can see in how my dad

relates to grandma why he couldn't stand up to nada.>>

[Guest guest]

HF - good analogy.

Its so appropriate to relate the behavior of BPD to toddlers yet still so hard

for my mind to wrap around it.

I'm so so sorry for your loss, . ((HUGS))

>

> Because sick people can't do whatever they want, whenever they want if someone

has healthy boundaries.

>

> It's like saying " NO " to a toddler reaching for a hot stove. They might not

like it but the boundary is for everyone's well-being. But sick people cannot

understand this anymore than a toddler could.

>

> BPD's are the 'sick' people i'm specifically thinking of here........ *winks*

>

> BINK. YOU ARE HEALTHY BECAUSE YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES!!! Congratulations from HF.

Now let the FOG pass, and let yourself off the hook if you're feeling bad still.

I'm sorry for your loss (((xoxo)))

>

> Hugs from HF

>