Guest guest Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Your instinct to protect your baby from your mother's inappropriate, negative, careless, unempathetic, bizarre, and definitely harmful behaviors is right on-target. Please do not give in to any pressuring on your mother's part to allow her to continue " caring " for your child. Not only has she shown you that she is not capable of providing care for your child in a normal, healthy way, if you allow her be your child's primary daycare provider, your mother can use that to legally demand unsupervised visitation with your child in the future if you should decide to go No Contact with your mother. You won't have a leg to stand on legally, if you let your bpd mother be your child's nanny. Its time to pull on your big-girl panties, and just state simply and calmly that you've made other arrangements for your baby's daycare, but thank you anyway, mom. Do not get suckered in to explaining why, justifying your decision to her, or arguing with her about it. Just say simply, " Thank you, mom, but I've made other arrangements. That was nice of you to offer though. " and " No, mom: sorry, but I'm not going to discuss this with you. Is there something else you wanted to talk with me about? No? Then, I need to go now. Bye. " And no unsupervised visitation for bpd grandma, either. She gets to visit with her grandchild only when mommy is right there. This will probably be very difficult for you because you have been trained from babyhood to just cave in and cater to your mother (because she is domineering, aggressive, intimidating and she threatens you with her rage and drama), but now its urgent that you take a proactive, assertive adult stand with your mentally ill, personality-disordered mother regarding the safety and emotional well-being of your baby. You can do it, mother bear! -Annie > > I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Hello, If she has BPD, you're not going to be able to explain to her why you won't leave your child with her. Nothing you say is going to make her understand or believe that she did anything wrong. Her version of reality just isn't going to allow that. I recommend simply telling her that it isn't happening and that your decision isn't up for discussion. If she insists on bringing the subject up, I'd recommend ending the conversation and not having contact with her for the rest of the day. You can't change her behavior, but you can take steps to protect yourself from being involved in it. If she continues to do things like fake medical problems, let the hospital deal with her. They'll catch on soon enough if she doesn't have any real symptoms. At 05:20 PM 05/14/2011 sloaner0030 wrote: >I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm >going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when >my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other >things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely >emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just >had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our >daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my >mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently >retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an >alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We >haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic >episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been >putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let >her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her >carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself >my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed >her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was > " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely >starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal >faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and >played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel >like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned >her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone >with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the >hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it >caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! >so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her >that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Never ever ever leave a BPD alone with a child. Ever. Say whatever you have to. Then walk away. Let her have her tantrum, her fake heart attack, her fake suicide attempt. If you have to, go LC or NC Just do whatever you have to to protect your baby. the baby is your responsability. Your mother is an adult and can take care of herself. > > > Hello, > If she has BPD, you're not going to be able to explain to her > why you won't leave your child with her. Nothing you say is > going to make her understand or believe that she did anything > wrong. Her version of reality just isn't going to allow that. I > recommend simply telling her that it isn't happening and that > your decision isn't up for discussion. If she insists on > bringing the subject up, I'd recommend ending the conversation > and not having contact with her for the rest of the day. You > can't change her behavior, but you can take steps to protect > yourself from being involved in it. If she continues to do > things like fake medical problems, let the hospital deal with > her. They'll catch on soon enough if she doesn't have any real > symptoms. > > > At 05:20 PM 05/14/2011 sloaner0030 wrote: > >I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm > >going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when > >my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other > >things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely > >emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just > >had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our > >daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my > >mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently > >retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an > >alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We > >haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic > >episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been > >putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let > >her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her > >carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself > >my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed > >her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was > > " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely > >starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal > >faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and > >played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel > >like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned > >her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone > >with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the > >hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it > >caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! > >so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her > >that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Welcome! I'll just say it as simply as I can... YOU TELL HER NO! You are an adult. You do not have to ask permission from a crazy person if it's " Alright with her " if you say NO. You simply say, " NO!' When my child was younger he'd spend a lot of time with Nada. I paid the price because she had convinced me it was always ME. At 39 I entered therapy and so did my child. We know better now. He's a teen now and has better people instincts than I ever will... all because he got help... but had I not finally said NO to her (she didn't like it... too bad!) he wouldn't be ok. So... you have to decide what's important to you. From reading your post, it's your child. Make that baby count. Be strong for her... then you'll learn to be strong for yourself. Regarding the " faking heart attack " (and I'm sure a long line of 'stuff' that will surface over the coming years)... that's pretty BPD - normal. We've all BTDT... yippee-skippy... it's a club no one really wants to have to belong to (the KO group) but thank God it's here! You know what you have to do. Be prepared for backlash but just hold firm. Boundaries are for YOU to decide how much you're willing to put up with before you shut the gates... she'll never respect them and will always try to cross them... but be firm within yourself, say NO when needed and YOU will feel better, more whole, and safe. LYnnette Peace. > > I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 Please don't leave your baby with your mom. She sounds like she is using food to be in absolute control of your baby. Not cool. SO NOT COOL. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION. This is going to sound weird, but you really do not have to explain anything to her. You have a family. If you must, you can say something like, " I have conferred with my husband and we have decided it is not in our child's best interest for you to provide daycare for the baby. " If she asks why, just repeat the same thing. If she gets angry, just repeat the same thing. If she gets irrational, let her know you are willing to call the police if she does anything to harm herself or others. If she fakes another heart attack, don't go to the hospital with her. Do you have any siblings or is she solely focused on your family? Trust me, if you let her around your kid, YOU ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO DIE FROM A HEART ATTACK FROM ALL THE STRESS YOU'LL BE UNDER WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SHE IS DOING TO YOUR BABY! She sounds like she has already begun torturing the poor kid through depravation of food for NO REASON and you never know what lies she will try to convince the child are true once s/he is able to talk. I don't have any children, and my mom is a huge reason for why I have waited so long. I can't imagine the stress of protecting a little one all over again (I have 2 little sisters, one almost 10 yrs younger, and she became my little pet human). But I'm already steeling myself for the inevitable confict that will arrise when 3 out of 4 grandparents are going to have full access and she's going to be watched LIKE A HAWK. I don't understand sometimes why my mom let me stay with my grandmother when I was little. I remember calling my parents to pick me up in the middle of the night one time because, " Grandma won't stop talking about Jesus. " (Even then, at the age of 4, I was pretty much an atheist...) You just don't know what you're going to be exposing your kids to, you know? Is it going to be a rageful, vindictive queen or witch? Is it going to be a helpless hermit or waif? How is this adult going to manipulate this child's emotions to make him/her feel responsible for the emotional wellbeing of the GRANDPARENT?!!? It boggles the mind. I hope your husband is on board and isn't still in the, " But she's your mom " phase. You're going to need to be a team on this, and there's nothing worse than being undermined by a spouse in a situation like this. Good luck! > > I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 For what it's worth, I was in a very similar situation, except that my nada had offered to be my " nanny " for my three kids. My first internal (and correct) instinct was an " Aw, hell no! " [ala Will in I, Robot], but what I actually said was, " It was awfully nice of you to offer, but I think it might put too much of a strain on our relationship. " She loved it! She took it to mean that my relationship with her was so important that I'd rather shell out gobs of money for daycare than risk ruining it. Ironically, we're NC now because of the way she treated my kids when they were with her for only brief periods of time, so I guess what I said was true! > > I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 Hi, Sloaner, God, that sounds terrifying. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You'll find people on this board who understand. I don't have children, so I can't speak specifically to your situation, but I've found in the past that talking to my mother about boundaries doesn't help; it just results in the kind of ridiculous reactions you described. I have to just " live the boundary. " For example, I don't tell her to stop calling so often. Instead, I only pick up the phone when I want to talk. For the sake of your child, it sounds like you need to start living some serious boundaries right now. If you don't want to leave your child alone with your mother, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. And you don't even have to say, " I'm never leaving little Sally alone with you again. " Please don't feel that you have to " reward " her efforts at good behavior by allowing her to endanger your child. If she's behaving well, it's because she's supposed to, and you don't owe her anything except respectful behavior in return. Welcome to the board! I hope you find some help from the people here. > > I'm on desperate need of advice from people who know what I'm going through. My mom has BPD which became uncontrollable when my dad left her 7 years ago. She's now, on top of many other things a pathological liar, irrational, impulsive, extremely emotional, and completely out of reality. The problem is I just had a baby, and my husbands, who was able to stay home with our daughter for the first 7 months just went back to work and my mom expects to be the one who watches her since she's recently retired. Or should I say forced into retirement as an alternative to termination due to her behavior at work. We haven't left her alone with my daughter since her last manic episode, but out of desperation and the fact that she had been putting such an effort into doing everything we asked, we let her watch her one day last week. It was a disaster. She put her carsest in the car without seatbelting it in, convinced herself my daughter was super sick and lethargic so she didn't feed her all day, or set her down and let her play because she was " so tired " . when I got there to pick her up she was absolutely starving, she drank her bottle and ate her while bowl of cereal faster than I've ever seen, then went straight to the floor and played happy as a clam. The scary part is, my mom doesn't feel like she did anything wrong and was offended when I questioned her. Last time I explained to her why she couldn't be alone with my daughter, she faked a heart attack and ended up in the hospital telling everyone I stressed her out so much that it caused a heart attack. She was told she was healthy as an ox! so how do I explain to her again after I tried to trust her that I absolutely just cannot trust her with my baby > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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