Why are healthy boundaries called disrespectful?

[Guest guest]

So this is just and observation:

Most of my family is gathering in my hometown for my grandpa's funeral. They are

all understanding that I can't be there; in fact, no one (but my stupid flying

monkey brother and nada) even considered that I could make it. They all just

assumed/knew that it wasn't possible, which was a relief (except for unnerving

email from flying monkey bro that upset me for a whole day because I already

felt bad).

So I'll try and skip the back story on bro and his PD wife, but he came out

ahead of his wife and kids (none of us are sure why they are all flying in for

the funeral--the kids are very young and were not close to grandpa--also,

grandma does not seem to want the kids there right now, but bro doesn't seem to

care about her wishes), anyways, my dad and stepmom live in 4 hours away, so

they drove up this morning and are staying at the hotel they normally stay at

while they visit grandma. Bro got some deal at a hotel on the river.

Grandma asks dad what his rate at the hotel is, then criticizes him for not

getting the deal brother got. When stepmom tells me about this, I say: the rate

you got is really none of her business. You always stay at that hotel. You like

it. If you are comfortable with the cost, etc., then it doesn't matter.

She said, but that's disrespectful.

I responded: no, it's not. Dad is nearly 60 years old. His finances are his own

business. You do not have to disclose how much you paid for the hotel or

anything, for that matter. It really is none of her business. Yes, she is

grieving, and, no, you don't have to be mean about it. Just say something to the

effect of you got a good rate and you don't want to discuss it. (Grandma is a

little bit of a meddler--histrionic uncle gets it from her, but she is just

bored and gossipy, not PD to my knowledge, so I think if they just politely and

gently set the boundary, she wouldn't even blink and go with it.)

But I just was amazed that even though she didn't want to talk about it, and

neither did my dad, that they both felt that saying " no " to grandma was

disrespectful. It's not like they were saying " no, we won't take care of you in

your old age " , it was just " no, we don't want to discuss our financial decisions

with you. "

It dawned on me that the inability to set healthy boundaries is an epidemic in

my family, and it also has illuminated my understanding of why my dad put up

with nada for so long. Grandma is not like nada, but I can see in how my dad

relates to grandma why he couldn't stand up to nada.

On another subject, I was really upset when I found out, and I wanted other

people's take on this: both of my brothers contacted me shortly after but,

frankly, I didn't want to talk. I just need to be sad and have some time to

think about my grandpa. I know they were reaching out, but I wish I had told

both of them to wait until tomorrow to call me. Ug.