To go or not to go?

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next Friday out

of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and I was looking

forward to seeing her and her new family. Although (honestly) not really looking

forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of course, they

are not really speaking anymore because she set up boundaries with nada a few

years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is planning on going.

After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be NC with

nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really difficult. I don't

want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky dory. I don't want

nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same table as them and smile

like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to pretend and put on that show

because of my kids. They're too young to understand why mommy isn't talking to

nana.

If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug like it

always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I mean, I

really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't go, I feel like I

am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus, nada has balked from

numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons; so, if I don't go, I

feel like I am being just like her.

Any words of wisdom?

Judy

[Guest guest]

Here's some options to consider. And I highly recommend just you, yourself

going; a 16-hour RT car ride will very likely be torture for the little ones.

Plus, small children and weddings can be a problem unless there is a nursery

/babysitter available in another part of the building. Let the tots stay home

with daddy.

One: Fly out a day or two ahead of the wedding, give your friend her gift, visit

with her as you help her with wedding preparations, maybe even stay long enough

to help her dress the day of the wedding, but leave early. Don't attend the

actual wedding ceremony or reception and avoid nada altogether.

Two: Attend the wedding and the reception, but use the " Medium Chill " technique

if you encounter nada.

Three: Wait until your friend is back from her honeymoon and then go visit her.

I don't think your friend will think ill of you if you simply cannot attend her

wedding, for whatever reason. If you wish her well, give her a nice wedding

gift, and make a point of seeing her at some point either before or after, well,

that's the best you can do. Life goes on.

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

> Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next Friday

out of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and I was looking

forward to seeing her and her new family. Although (honestly) not really looking

forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

>

> Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of course,

they are not really speaking anymore because she set up boundaries with nada a

few years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is planning on going.

>

> After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be NC with

nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really difficult. I don't

want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky dory. I don't want

nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same table as them and smile

like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to pretend and put on that show

because of my kids. They're too young to understand why mommy isn't talking to

nana.

>

> If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug like it

always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I mean, I

really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't go, I feel like I

am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus, nada has balked from

numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons; so, if I don't go, I

feel like I am being just like her.

>

> Any words of wisdom?

> Judy

>

[Guest guest]

I think the kids give you the perfect out. Maybe one of them could suddenly

become " sick " and then you go visit after.

On Mon, May 16, 2011 at 10:25 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Here's some options to consider. And I highly recommend just you, yourself

> going; a 16-hour RT car ride will very likely be torture for the little

> ones. Plus, small children and weddings can be a problem unless there is a

> nursery /babysitter available in another part of the building. Let the tots

> stay home with daddy.

>

> One: Fly out a day or two ahead of the wedding, give your friend her gift,

> visit with her as you help her with wedding preparations, maybe even stay

> long enough to help her dress the day of the wedding, but leave early. Don't

> attend the actual wedding ceremony or reception and avoid nada altogether.

>

> Two: Attend the wedding and the reception, but use the " Medium Chill "

> technique if you encounter nada.

>

> Three: Wait until your friend is back from her honeymoon and then go visit

> her.

>

> I don't think your friend will think ill of you if you simply cannot attend

> her wedding, for whatever reason. If you wish her well, give her a nice

> wedding gift, and make a point of seeing her at some point either before or

> after, well, that's the best you can do. Life goes on.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi all,

> > Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next

> Friday out of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and I

> was looking forward to seeing her and her new family. Although (honestly)

> not really looking forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

> >

> > Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of

> course, they are not really speaking anymore because she set up boundaries

> with nada a few years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is planning on

> going.

> >

> > After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be NC

> with nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really difficult.

> I don't want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky dory. I

> don't want nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same table as

> them and smile like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to pretend

> and put on that show because of my kids. They're too young to understand why

> mommy isn't talking to nana.

> >

> > If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug like

> it always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I

> mean, I really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't go, I

> feel like I am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus, nada

> has balked from numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons; so,

> if I don't go, I feel like I am being just like her.

> >

> > Any words of wisdom?

> > Judy

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So is it okay to not want to go because nada is going? I mean, is that healthy?

I can't even trust my own feelings.

> > >

> > > Hi all,

> > > Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next

> > Friday out of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and I

> > was looking forward to seeing her and her new family. Although (honestly)

> > not really looking forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

> > >

> > > Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of

> > course, they are not really speaking anymore because she set up boundaries

> > with nada a few years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is planning on

> > going.

> > >

> > > After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be NC

> > with nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really difficult.

> > I don't want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky dory. I

> > don't want nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same table as

> > them and smile like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to pretend

> > and put on that show because of my kids. They're too young to understand why

> > mommy isn't talking to nana.

> > >

> > > If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug like

> > it always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I

> > mean, I really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't go, I

> > feel like I am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus, nada

> > has balked from numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons; so,

> > if I don't go, I feel like I am being just like her.

> > >

> > > Any words of wisdom?

> > > Judy

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'd say, yes, it's healthy to not want to go because you're protecting

yourself. You have been abused, and you want to avoid any possible further

abuse by avoiding situations where your nada is going to be around. That is

totally normal to not want to see your abuser!

On Mon, May 16, 2011 at 1:14 PM, last050811 wrote:

>

>

> So is it okay to not want to go because nada is going? I mean, is that

> healthy? I can't even trust my own feelings.

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi all,

> > > > Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next

> > > Friday out of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and

> I

> > > was looking forward to seeing her and her new family. Although

> (honestly)

> > > not really looking forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

> > > >

> > > > Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of

> > > course, they are not really speaking anymore because she set up

> boundaries

> > > with nada a few years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is

> planning on

> > > going.

> > > >

> > > > After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be

> NC

> > > with nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really

> difficult.

> > > I don't want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky

> dory. I

> > > don't want nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same

> table as

> > > them and smile like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to

> pretend

> > > and put on that show because of my kids. They're too young to

> understand why

> > > mommy isn't talking to nana.

> > > >

> > > > If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug

> like

> > > it always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I

> > > mean, I really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't

> go, I

> > > feel like I am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus,

> nada

> > > has balked from numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons;

> so,

> > > if I don't go, I feel like I am being just like her.

> > > >

> > > > Any words of wisdom?

> > > > Judy

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Is it healthy to want to avoid seeing someone who has been abusive to you and

has hurt you repeatedly? My answer is " yes " , that is a healthy, normal emotion.

Even amoebas will move themselves away from a sharp/toxic object in their

environment, and they don't even have any brains.

My opinion is that with us KOs, our thinking/feelings get distorted because the

toxic, hurtful individual is our own mother or father.

There is a great deal of both instinctual, subconscious programming and cultural

pressure to remain loyal to one's parents, but, it makes no sense to repeatedly

make ourselves available to be abused, as adults, no matter who is inflicting

the abuse.

So, cut yourself a break, dear. If you're feeling emotionally vulnerable after

your rather recent upsetting encounter with nada, I think its perfectly

understandable that you do not want to see her now.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hi all,

> > > > Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next

> > > Friday out of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and I

> > > was looking forward to seeing her and her new family. Although (honestly)

> > > not really looking forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

> > > >

> > > > Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of

> > > course, they are not really speaking anymore because she set up boundaries

> > > with nada a few years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is planning

on

> > > going.

> > > >

> > > > After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be NC

> > > with nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really

difficult.

> > > I don't want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky dory. I

> > > don't want nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same table

as

> > > them and smile like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to pretend

> > > and put on that show because of my kids. They're too young to understand

why

> > > mommy isn't talking to nana.

> > > >

> > > > If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug

like

> > > it always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I

> > > mean, I really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't go,

I

> > > feel like I am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus,

nada

> > > has balked from numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons;

so,

> > > if I don't go, I feel like I am being just like her.

> > > >

> > > > Any words of wisdom?

> > > > Judy

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Well, when you put it that way...duh!

Thank you

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi all,

> > > > > Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next

> > > > Friday out of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and

I

> > > > was looking forward to seeing her and her new family. Although

(honestly)

> > > > not really looking forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

> > > > >

> > > > > Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of

> > > > course, they are not really speaking anymore because she set up

boundaries

> > > > with nada a few years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is

planning on

> > > > going.

> > > > >

> > > > > After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be

NC

> > > > with nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really

difficult.

> > > > I don't want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky dory.

I

> > > > don't want nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same table

as

> > > > them and smile like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to

pretend

> > > > and put on that show because of my kids. They're too young to understand

why

> > > > mommy isn't talking to nana.

> > > > >

> > > > > If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug

like

> > > > it always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I

> > > > mean, I really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't

go, I

> > > > feel like I am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus,

nada

> > > > has balked from numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons;

so,

> > > > if I don't go, I feel like I am being just like her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any words of wisdom?

> > > > > Judy

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi Judy,

I'm sorry I'm responding so late to this post; the wedding has already probably

past!

I totally understand when you were saying, " Plus, nada has balked from numerous

weddings in the past, all for various reasons; so, if I don't go, I feel like I

am being just like her. "

Sometimes I feel like I do or don't do stuff just to reassure myself that I'm

not like her. It just makes me feel better.

I agree with the others, though, that in your case it's not the same. Your

mother may have avoided going to events, if she's like my mother, to avoid

having to run into so and so who gave her a dirty look 2 years ago; or who

didn't respond to a Christmas card she sent; etc.

It's an awkward situation to be in, having to act nice/nice for the wedding and

with your family. And your mother might get the message that all is past and all

systems are back to normal.

good luck! let us know how it goes.

Fiona

>

> Hi all,

> Need some help here. One of my oldest friends is getting married next Friday

out of state. I was planning to go with my husband and kids, and I was looking

forward to seeing her and her new family. Although (honestly) not really looking

forward to the 8 hour drive with my little ones.

>

> Problem is - the bride's mom is one of my nada's oldest friends. Of course,

they are not really speaking anymore because she set up boundaries with nada a

few years ago. However, nada was invited and nada is planning on going.

>

> After the Mother's Day fiasco, I realized that it would be best to be NC with

nada....which of course makes attending this wedding really difficult. I don't

want to go and have to pretend like everything's all honky dory. I don't want

nada to assume everything is okay if we sit at the same table as them and smile

like nothing happened. And I feel like I'd have to pretend and put on that show

because of my kids. They're too young to understand why mommy isn't talking to

nana.

>

> If we go, I think this last episode will just be swept under the rug like it

always is. On top of the fact that I really don't want to see her. I mean, I

really don't want to see her. I can't see her. But if we don't go, I feel like I

am letting nada run my life and affect my decisions. Plus, nada has balked from

numerous weddings in the past, all for various reasons; so, if I don't go, I

feel like I am being just like her.

>

> Any words of wisdom?

> Judy

>