Confused

[Guest guest]

Around noon today I figured out I was experiencing the stages of grief. Most of

the weekend were hiding my head in the sand,avoidance. Now today I am numb, and

I can feel the slightest bit of anger starting to surface. I'll need to beat the

bed later to get this to surface so I can cry.

No, nada didn't have a heart attack. She had another out of control wake up call

(anxiety). Part of me is more upset that I have to endure more time with her.

In the meantime, fada (1st time I have referred to him that way) heard the tears

in my voice last week when I was discussing how much I love and miss HIM. He

turned that around and TOLD NADA I WAS CRYING BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF LOSING

HER. He saw an opportunity to smooth her over by using ME.

My T would say that he is just trying to get his needs met--to calm nada down at

all costs. He did not intend to throw me under the bus--he just wanted results.

He exploited me, again. She's off my ass now, I'm no longer the anti-Christ. I

suppose I should be grateful.

She is all lovely-dovey right now with me --her panic attack and his

'revelation' of my tears tripped her into nurture mode. She left a heartfelt

apology on my voicemail for scaring me (haha--she wouldn't feel that way if she

knew how I was really thinking.)

Not only was I thinking how glorious it would be to not have to deal with her in

my life, but I also do care about her and was feeling relived that SHE was also

close to being out of misery. She is a horrible bitch at times, others she

reveals a heart of gold. Then she gets activated again and the cycle starts all

over again.

I am just disgusted with the 2 of them--the dysfunction, the manipulations. And

I am sad. Sad my dad is an ass, sad she didn't die, sad I am still hoping for a

miracle that is never going to happen. Sad I got a message on my phone

apologizing for all the wrong things, and sad that it still hurt me so much to

hear it.

I think I'm going to have to make another T appt for this one.

[Guest guest]

I'm afraid that these cycles of abuse from your nada (and fada) will continue as

long as you have contact with them. Its sad, but at most of the sites I belong

to, the writers/psychologists reinforce the concept that it is not possible for

the victim of emotional abuse to heal unless she gets away from her abusers.

Re-exposure, repeated exposure to the emotional abuse is re-traumatizing.

When the full impact of the truth hits us: that our abusive parents really do

not have the capacity to change, they really don't care about our feelings very

much (or, their own feelings are always given priority) and that yes, the abuse

and the enabling of the abuse WILL continue indefinitely... that realization is

like a death. Its the death of our fantasy, our illusions, and our hope... and

we grieve.

But that's just my opinion. I've read of very rare cases in which an adult who

has been diagnosed with bpd actually accepts the diagnosis and seeks out

therapy, sticks with it, and improves his or her behaviors, but I think these

individuals are the exception rather than the rule. And, frankly, I think they

were misdiagnosed. True personality disorder is an " ego syntonic " condition,

meaning that the pd individual is not distressed by his or her thoughts and

behaviors. Those with pds believe they are perfectly normal, and its everyone

else who is crazy and is the cause of all their problems.

So, anyway, I buy it that you are in a process of grieving, and that's really

wonderful that you have a good therapist to help you through it. And the Group,

we're here for you too.

-Annie

>

> Around noon today I figured out I was experiencing the stages of grief. Most

of the weekend were hiding my head in the sand,avoidance. Now today I am numb,

and I can feel the slightest bit of anger starting to surface. I'll need to beat

the bed later to get this to surface so I can cry.

>

> No, nada didn't have a heart attack. She had another out of control wake up

call (anxiety). Part of me is more upset that I have to endure more time with

her.

>

> In the meantime, fada (1st time I have referred to him that way) heard the

tears in my voice last week when I was discussing how much I love and miss HIM.

He turned that around and TOLD NADA I WAS CRYING BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF LOSING

HER. He saw an opportunity to smooth her over by using ME.

>

> My T would say that he is just trying to get his needs met--to calm nada down

at all costs. He did not intend to throw me under the bus--he just wanted

results. He exploited me, again. She's off my ass now, I'm no longer the

anti-Christ. I suppose I should be grateful.

>

> She is all lovely-dovey right now with me --her panic attack and his

'revelation' of my tears tripped her into nurture mode. She left a heartfelt

apology on my voicemail for scaring me (haha--she wouldn't feel that way if she

knew how I was really thinking.)

>

> Not only was I thinking how glorious it would be to not have to deal with her

in my life, but I also do care about her and was feeling relived that SHE was

also close to being out of misery. She is a horrible bitch at times, others she

reveals a heart of gold. Then she gets activated again and the cycle starts all

over again.

>

> I am just disgusted with the 2 of them--the dysfunction, the manipulations.

And I am sad. Sad my dad is an ass, sad she didn't die, sad I am still hoping

for a miracle that is never going to happen. Sad I got a message on my phone

apologizing for all the wrong things, and sad that it still hurt me so much to

hear it.

>

> I think I'm going to have to make another T appt for this one.

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe,

I think I'm in the same place you are right now. I have found comfort in knowing

that someone else feels this way! Hopefully you will too.

I can't help but feel anger towards my dad. He has been asking me for help in

finding nada some real therapy, by a trained therapies in DBT. I did the

research and sent him a name. He emailed me back and said it was too far away

from his work. Then he told my sister that they're going to do marriage

counseling with nada's idiot of a therapist instead. He thinks that'll " fix "

everything before my friend's wedding and then we can all go like one big happy

family.

He's a smart man, so WTF?

I think back to the birth of my 3rd baby. About a month before my due date, nada

called me, upset that my sister didn't ask my other sister to be her child's

godparent. Instead, my sister picked me. Apparently nada didn't think I was the

right choice, and of course she felt it was her place to let me know. I stuck up

for myself, and she started slewing the insults. So, I very kindly said, " Ma, I

gotta go take care of my kids, so I'm going to hang up now. " I even said " I love

you " .

Of course, that started a war. The emails and texts that followed were typical,

crazy insults. I decided at that point that I didn't need the added stress that

late in my pregnancy. I kept both she and my dad at arm's length. My dad said he

understood why.

Then I went into labor 2 weeks early, in the middle of the night. I called them

after the baby was born. I told them they were welcome to come visit over the

weekend, that we didn't need any help right now. It was Thursday. The weekend

was one day away and at the time they both worked. I didn't think it would be an

issue.

I got into my hospital room at 5:00 in the morning. I had been up all night, in

labor. Then, there was a knock on my door at 6:30. Who could it be? My parents.

I was shocked. But the more shocking part was that my dad was dropping my mom

off...he literally drove 2.5 hours, dropped her off in my hospital room, and

left so he could drive the 2.5 hours back to where he lives to go to work. And

he said he'd pick her up on Sunday.

I confronted him about it later, and he justified his actions by saying that if

he didn't drive her, then she would've driven herself. And we all know she is a

moron when it comes to driving.

Talk about enabling.

Sorry, echobabe, I meant to reply to support you but it seems that I had some

venting of my own to do! I, too, am just sad. And looking forward to the day

that we'll have some peace in this family. If it's even possible.

Judy

>

> Around noon today I figured out I was experiencing the stages of grief. Most

of the weekend were hiding my head in the sand,avoidance. Now today I am numb,

and I can feel the slightest bit of anger starting to surface. I'll need to beat

the bed later to get this to surface so I can cry.

>

> No, nada didn't have a heart attack. She had another out of control wake up

call (anxiety). Part of me is more upset that I have to endure more time with

her.

>

> In the meantime, fada (1st time I have referred to him that way) heard the

tears in my voice last week when I was discussing how much I love and miss HIM.

He turned that around and TOLD NADA I WAS CRYING BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF LOSING

HER. He saw an opportunity to smooth her over by using ME.

>

> My T would say that he is just trying to get his needs met--to calm nada down

at all costs. He did not intend to throw me under the bus--he just wanted

results. He exploited me, again. She's off my ass now, I'm no longer the

anti-Christ. I suppose I should be grateful.

>

> She is all lovely-dovey right now with me --her panic attack and his

'revelation' of my tears tripped her into nurture mode. She left a heartfelt

apology on my voicemail for scaring me (haha--she wouldn't feel that way if she

knew how I was really thinking.)

>

> Not only was I thinking how glorious it would be to not have to deal with her

in my life, but I also do care about her and was feeling relived that SHE was

also close to being out of misery. She is a horrible bitch at times, others she

reveals a heart of gold. Then she gets activated again and the cycle starts all

over again.

>

> I am just disgusted with the 2 of them--the dysfunction, the manipulations.

And I am sad. Sad my dad is an ass, sad she didn't die, sad I am still hoping

for a miracle that is never going to happen. Sad I got a message on my phone

apologizing for all the wrong things, and sad that it still hurt me so much to

hear it.

>

> I think I'm going to have to make another T appt for this one.

>

[Guest guest]

Holy CRAP THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

Did she stay with you?! In the hospital/at home? I'm very scared of what my

mom is going to do when I finally get pregnant (in the future)...

> >

> > Around noon today I figured out I was experiencing the stages of grief. Most

of the weekend were hiding my head in the sand,avoidance. Now today I am numb,

and I can feel the slightest bit of anger starting to surface. I'll need to beat

the bed later to get this to surface so I can cry.

> >

> > No, nada didn't have a heart attack. She had another out of control wake up

call (anxiety). Part of me is more upset that I have to endure more time with

her.

> >

> > In the meantime, fada (1st time I have referred to him that way) heard the

tears in my voice last week when I was discussing how much I love and miss HIM.

He turned that around and TOLD NADA I WAS CRYING BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF LOSING

HER. He saw an opportunity to smooth her over by using ME.

> >

> > My T would say that he is just trying to get his needs met--to calm nada

down at all costs. He did not intend to throw me under the bus--he just wanted

results. He exploited me, again. She's off my ass now, I'm no longer the

anti-Christ. I suppose I should be grateful.

> >

> > She is all lovely-dovey right now with me --her panic attack and his

'revelation' of my tears tripped her into nurture mode. She left a heartfelt

apology on my voicemail for scaring me (haha--she wouldn't feel that way if she

knew how I was really thinking.)

> >

> > Not only was I thinking how glorious it would be to not have to deal with

her in my life, but I also do care about her and was feeling relived that SHE

was also close to being out of misery. She is a horrible bitch at times, others

she reveals a heart of gold. Then she gets activated again and the cycle starts

all over again.

> >

> > I am just disgusted with the 2 of them--the dysfunction, the manipulations.

And I am sad. Sad my dad is an ass, sad she didn't die, sad I am still hoping

for a miracle that is never going to happen. Sad I got a message on my phone

apologizing for all the wrong things, and sad that it still hurt me so much to

hear it.

> >

> > I think I'm going to have to make another T appt for this one.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh, of course she stayed with me. She was friggin' stuck in the hospital room

with me all damn day too...and talk about no privacy. The doctors and nurses

didn't hold anything back. My husband had to go back into work that day, so I

had to wait for him to get off of work to come and get her and bring her ass

back to our house...where our in-laws were...with whom, of course, she doesn't

get along...making my husband uncomfortable leaving them all together without

him, so we never got any of the alone parent-bonding time with our baby.

It was awful. I thought I was setting boundaries by not calling when I was in

labor. I waited until after the baby was born. Learned my lesson after the first

two kids. Apparently I didn't learn it well enough though!

Bink, maybe you can learn from me One thing I would recommend is that if/when

you do decide to have children, tell her the due date is at least 1 month later

than it actually is to avoid the hourly phone calls in the last week or so of

pregnancy!

> > >

> > > Around noon today I figured out I was experiencing the stages of grief.

Most of the weekend were hiding my head in the sand,avoidance. Now today I am

numb, and I can feel the slightest bit of anger starting to surface. I'll need

to beat the bed later to get this to surface so I can cry.

> > >

> > > No, nada didn't have a heart attack. She had another out of control wake

up call (anxiety). Part of me is more upset that I have to endure more time with

her.

> > >

> > > In the meantime, fada (1st time I have referred to him that way) heard the

tears in my voice last week when I was discussing how much I love and miss HIM.

He turned that around and TOLD NADA I WAS CRYING BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF LOSING

HER. He saw an opportunity to smooth her over by using ME.

> > >

> > > My T would say that he is just trying to get his needs met--to calm nada

down at all costs. He did not intend to throw me under the bus--he just wanted

results. He exploited me, again. She's off my ass now, I'm no longer the

anti-Christ. I suppose I should be grateful.

> > >

> > > She is all lovely-dovey right now with me --her panic attack and his

'revelation' of my tears tripped her into nurture mode. She left a heartfelt

apology on my voicemail for scaring me (haha--she wouldn't feel that way if she

knew how I was really thinking.)

> > >

> > > Not only was I thinking how glorious it would be to not have to deal with

her in my life, but I also do care about her and was feeling relived that SHE

was also close to being out of misery. She is a horrible bitch at times, others

she reveals a heart of gold. Then she gets activated again and the cycle starts

all over again.

> > >

> > > I am just disgusted with the 2 of them--the dysfunction, the

manipulations. And I am sad. Sad my dad is an ass, sad she didn't die, sad I am

still hoping for a miracle that is never going to happen. Sad I got a message on

my phone apologizing for all the wrong things, and sad that it still hurt me so

much to hear it.

> > >

> > > I think I'm going to have to make another T appt for this one.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ugh--what a nightmare! And to think I was hurt when nada & fada wouldn't come to

the hospital when my son was born.

Plus my nada would never leave the comfort of her home, her fridge, to stay in

someone else's home. Not only that, she has to berate and harangue fada every

hour or so, else her anxiety levels go out of control and her behavior gets

weirder (people will see!).

You just can't win, no matter how much you try to cover all the bases!

>

> oh, of course she stayed with me. She was friggin' stuck in the hospital room

with me all damn day too...and talk about no privacy. The doctors and nurses

didn't hold anything back. My husband had to go back into work that day, so I

had to wait for him to get off of work to come and get her and bring her ass

back to our house...where our in-laws were...with whom, of course, she doesn't

get along...making my husband uncomfortable leaving them all together without

him, so we never got any of the alone parent-bonding time with our baby.

[Guest guest]

That is completely unacceptable. So sorry you had to go through that!

> > > >

> > > > Around noon today I figured out I was experiencing the stages of grief.

Most of the weekend were hiding my head in the sand,avoidance. Now today I am

numb, and I can feel the slightest bit of anger starting to surface. I'll need

to beat the bed later to get this to surface so I can cry.

> > > >

> > > > No, nada didn't have a heart attack. She had another out of control wake

up call (anxiety). Part of me is more upset that I have to endure more time with

her.

> > > >

> > > > In the meantime, fada (1st time I have referred to him that way) heard

the tears in my voice last week when I was discussing how much I love and miss

HIM. He turned that around and TOLD NADA I WAS CRYING BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF

LOSING HER. He saw an opportunity to smooth her over by using ME.

> > > >

> > > > My T would say that he is just trying to get his needs met--to calm nada

down at all costs. He did not intend to throw me under the bus--he just wanted

results. He exploited me, again. She's off my ass now, I'm no longer the

anti-Christ. I suppose I should be grateful.

> > > >

> > > > She is all lovely-dovey right now with me --her panic attack and his

'revelation' of my tears tripped her into nurture mode. She left a heartfelt

apology on my voicemail for scaring me (haha--she wouldn't feel that way if she

knew how I was really thinking.)

> > > >

> > > > Not only was I thinking how glorious it would be to not have to deal

with her in my life, but I also do care about her and was feeling relived that

SHE was also close to being out of misery. She is a horrible bitch at times,

others she reveals a heart of gold. Then she gets activated again and the cycle

starts all over again.

> > > >

> > > > I am just disgusted with the 2 of them--the dysfunction, the

manipulations. And I am sad. Sad my dad is an ass, sad she didn't die, sad I am

still hoping for a miracle that is never going to happen. Sad I got a message on

my phone apologizing for all the wrong things, and sad that it still hurt me so

much to hear it.

> > > >

> > > > I think I'm going to have to make another T appt for this one.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, it is a comfort. In some ways those of us whose fadas stayed in the

relationship made our childhoods easier than they could have been. However now

that we are full adults the same dysfunction between mom & dad continues, and

fada makes sure we are constantly drawn into nada's schemes. It's heartbreaking

and not fair <<stomps feet>>, so I'm glad to have company.

>

> Echobabe,

> I think I'm in the same place you are right now. I have found comfort in

knowing that someone else feels this way! Hopefully you will too.

>