Hello, I'm new. This is my story. I'd like your input and support!

May 18, 2011

Shortly before Mother's Day, I went NC with my mom (blocked phone numbers, got a

new email address). We had been fighting non-stop since she broke up with her

boyfriend in February. Before that, we had at least one intense argument each

month for the year and a half prior. I had to start getting therapy, and my

therapist gave me a book about borderline that really opened up my world. I then

found the Kreger book, and I then had the courage to cut off contact with my

mom. Since then, I've done a lot of reflecting, and I've realized how unhealthy

the relationship has been. I see that many KOs had terrible childhoods, but mine

was ok. I was never physically harmed, and my mom didn't criticize or rage at

me. But... I am an only child, and I was a calm and agreeable kid, which means

she always had my attention when she wanted it. And she did plenty of fighting

with my dad. Honestly, I have no idea how I stayed so calm and agreeable,

considering the yelling

and emotional violence (they never hit each other) that was going on.

Anyway... when my parents got divorced I was 22 (I am 29 now), and my mom

started to focus more energy on me. (Calling every day, emailing multiple times

a day). It seemed ok. I felt like... you know... she's lonely. She wasn't

hostile, just highly annoying. She did seem to mostly talk about herself,

interrupt me if I was talking, constantly tell me I should visit more often, and

never really remember much about me (ranging from what I do at work, all the way

to the fact that I don't drink soda). Then, 4 years later (3 years ago), I moved

in with my now husband, and he started telling me to set some healthy boundaries

with her. It didn't go smoothly at

all. There were many many fights between me and my mom and me and my husband,

and one that I am still not recovered from between all three of us. But I just

couldn't do it... I couldn't set boundaries. I felt resentful toward my husband

for " messing things up " (I realize now that he was 100% right in his request for

boundaries).

Then when my mom got this boyfriend (the first romance she has had since she

left dad), it was like it empowered her. She REALLY started pushing boundaries -

calling over and over until I would answer the phone, and showing up at my house

without calling first, or calling first, and when I tell her it's not a good

time, showing up at my house anyway. (The boyfriend always with her). And doing

weird things like never answering the phone when I call and then saying I never

call her. Or telling me she has plans already for Easter and then telling me it

was wrong of me not to see her on Easter. And getting really mean and defensive

when I tell her she went over on our

cell phone minutes, when I am just stating a fact, and not at all being mean

about it!

So, when she broke up with the boyfriend, I was ready for her to go back to

being just annoying, and stop being so hostile, accusatory, and defensive all

the time. But it didn't happen!! Feb, March and April, were like the worst I

have ever had with her, EVER. Calling over and over saying its an emergency,

when it isn't, calling multiple times a day to tell me the same stories about

the boyfriend, NEVER asking me a SINGLE question about how I am doing, and when

I express my exhaustion, totally raging at me on the phone, and following it up

with the most hurtful emails I can ever imagine!! But then, the next day, she

apologizes, and wants to talk (NEEDS to talk... right NOW... just for minute,

don't you have just a minute??)

It all totally fits with BPD.

So my question to you all is this: is it possible that she had BPD laying

dormant in her system,

and that it slowly emerged triggered my a romantic relationship, and then

double-triggered by the end of the romantic relationship?? I have this hope that

maybe it will go away and she'll go back to being tolerable, but I am wondering

if maybe she won't? Maybe she was able to direct her disorder at my dad all

those years, without directing it at me? And maybe this behavior was inevitable

given that I'm grown up and married, and she could sense that boundaries might

be coming, so she sabotaged herself by acting so forcefully AGAINST those

impending boundaries, that I had to go ahead and set them, even though I didn't

really want to??

Thank you for reading and sharing - I look forward to your input.

May 19, 2011

Hello, and welcome to the support group. I'm pretty new here too. I read your

post...I am in a similar situation as far as childhoods go....my mom had her

" break " (the first one that I noticed as not normal anyways) when I got engaged.

And then it happened again when my sister got engaged, and when I moved to a

different state for my husband's job, and then when my brother and sister went

off to college.

For my mom, as well as with many borderlines, it seems that the threat of

abandonment is the trigger. It might be the same with yours. It also gets worse

when someone is enabling her, which might be the case with your mom's boyfriend.

In any case, glad you found us. It's been super helpful for me so far.

>

> Shortly before Mother's Day, I went NC with my mom (blocked phone numbers, got

a new email address). We had been fighting non-stop since she broke up with her