Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Sigh... yes it is. When you are raised by a bpd, and your survival, be that avoiding physical hurt or emotionally depends on pleasing the bpd parent, then these behaviors are needed to get thru a day! I have a very wise friend who told me " these skills are needed in the jungle, you have to have it to survive. But when you leave the jungle, you have to learn new ways. " Like Mogli  Its normal and takes work, but you CAN move on from these things.  SK Subject: my fears To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, May 19, 2011, 4:39 AM  I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Therapy helps you set boundaries between your feelings and others. I picture that I'm in a bubble, My feelings are inside of my bubble and other peoples feelings are coming at my bubble trying to pierce it. I chose to make my bubble impenitrable and keep my feelings inside of it. Another thing I do is an affirmation. When I stand up for myself and it bugs someone I think over and over " i can stand it I can stand it. " And that helps me live with their feelings and leave them with them. Therapy helps. On Thu, May 19, 2011 at 5:55 AM, Kolwell wrote: > > > Sigh... yes it is. When you are raised by a bpd, and your survival, be that > avoiding physical hurt or emotionally depends on pleasing the bpd parent, > then these behaviors are needed to get thru a day! I have a very wise friend > who told me " these skills are needed in the jungle, you have to have it to > survive. But when you leave the jungle, you have to learn new ways. " Like > Mogli > > Its normal and takes work, but you CAN move on from these things. > > SK > > > > > Subject: my fears > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Thursday, May 19, 2011, 4:39 AM > > > > > I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking > me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I > panic when I think I've pissed someone off. > > When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am > over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like > nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. > > I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 ~~YES~~ I am so afraid of rejection, I know it has held me back. Just waiting for someone to say " you don't belong here. " Or to be judged worthless. I literally cannot speak in a group. We learn to bury our emotions, because nada was the only one allowed to have emotions--we were simply there to support her. My nada always told me to " stop crying, you have no reason to cry " or " I'll give you a reason to cry. " She always shut me down. If I was too happy she'd bring up something down to change the subject. Or she'd start a fight. Every time I have to discipline my kids or confront my husband I go through this second guessing act about whether I have a right to my feelings or whether I am just acting like nada. Every time I yell I worry I am being unreasonable. Someone here said if you are questioning yourself like this, you are definitely not the BPD! > > I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. > > When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. > > I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 " Is this a by product of my up-bringing? " Hell yes. I too was taught to be a doormat for other's needs and emotions, a literal human-garbage receptacle for whatever other's needed to dump. It's a terrible and encredibly damaging way to grow up, we are taught to have NO boundaries whatsoever. Having a boundary as a child of a borderline can get you annhilated. So, we avoid confrontation. The easiest way is to be a people pleaser, a 'yes man' I learned to overcome this through boundary-setting exercises E.g.) To start, I would find a mundane, inconsequential life situation such as religious groups knocking on my door and wanting my time. In the past I would stand there, nodding and allowing these strangers to take up endless amounts of my time which offered no benefit or valuable outcome for me whatsoever. I started using these instances to exercise my new boundaries, I would simply say " No thank you " and politely close the door while smiling. It was soooo hard at first and I had massive guilt but eventually it washed away and I felt nothing. Oh and I had more time to myself. I also noticed through boundary setting, as I got better with life situations in general, that some people HATE boundaries. I now understand this to be a HUGE RED FLAG. If somebody reacts negatively, and or tries to emotionally guilt or blackmail me because I set a boundary, I erase them from my world stat. These are the ones who pray on people who have weak boundaries, self-esteem issues, and the need to have everybody like them. I have learned that it's a good thing that *some* people don't like me. It's hard but a good lesson. Afterall, we're not in kindergarden anymore and we're allowed to choose who we let into our 'bubble.' Nobody gets into mine unless they deserve me Strong boundaries is imperative and a necessary pre-requisite to good and true friendships/relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 I do this with relationships. I am so afraid of being rejected that before someone even has the chance to get to know me, I push them away. I figure they are going to dump me in a couple of months anyway, so I push them away before they can hurt me. It's not so bad with females, but I know it's why I don't have a boyfriend or husband or whatever right now. And, I have a tendency to attract the type of men who just want someone to warm their bed. I want more than that, and I guess I wouldn't know what to do if I found it. Janet  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2011 2:27 PM Subject: Re: my fears  ~~YES~~ I am so afraid of rejection, I know it has held me back. Just waiting for someone to say " you don't belong here. " Or to be judged worthless. I literally cannot speak in a group. We learn to bury our emotions, because nada was the only one allowed to have emotions--we were simply there to support her. My nada always told me to " stop crying, you have no reason to cry " or " I'll give you a reason to cry. " She always shut me down. If I was too happy she'd bring up something down to change the subject. Or she'd start a fight. Every time I have to discipline my kids or confront my husband I go through this second guessing act about whether I have a right to my feelings or whether I am just acting like nada. Every time I yell I worry I am being unreasonable. Someone here said if you are questioning yourself like this, you are definitely not the BPD! > > I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. > > When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. > > I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2011 Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 [> I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing?] Shit, yes! Caroline (I looove that name!), we're in the same boat, for sure. I call myself a recovering people pleaser. My father was a total dictator. You had to like everything he did, down to the toilet paper, or else. I came into adulthood doing whatever people wanted me to, trying to avoid ANYone's displeasure. I was very easy to get along with for that reason. I was like tofu, taking on the flavor/mood of the person I was with. My marriage was becoming/had become like that. I was driving my husband crazy by just saying " well, whatever " when he would ask my opinion on stuff, big or small, life=-changing or not. I'd just say, " well, whatever you like. " So, slowly, he stopped asking and just did stuff without asking me. I became more and more resentful for something that, really, I had given my full consent to. Finally, I went into therapy, and after 16 years of marriage, articulated to him what I had never been able to say. I said, " I'm afraid if I disagree with you, you won't like me anymore. " What I'd learned from my father. " Disagree with me and I will no longer like or love you. " Period. It was a good moment for us. He didn't realize what was at the center of all my indecisiveness and neither did I. Now, I practice saying NO to as many people as possible, including my husband! " No, I don't want to go there. I hate that place. " " No, I don't like that color. " Etc. I challenge myself to say 5 NOs a week. A friend of mine invited my daughter and me to a movie. It's rated PG-13. My daughter is 6. (not an overtly sexual/violent movie) I almost reverted to my old way and almost agreed, b/c I didn't want her to not be my friend. I had to stop myself and tell her " NO. I can't let my daughter see that. " And she was cool with it. I was so proud of myself. A friend of mine with the same issue keeps a notebook and, as she thinks of them, writes down things she likes and things/behaviors/colors/sounds/events she doesn't like. It's helped her differentiate herself and grow. Good luck!! Fiona > > I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. > > When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. > > I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2011 Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 I know what you're talking about. It is hard to set boundaries when you're constantly afraid of rejection. I was at a party this weekend that my mom was also at and I walked in and was almost immediately engaged in a conversation with a peer. I talked to her for like 3 minutes, then I hear, across the room...mom shouts, " BINK! COME HERE! " Oh. My. God. Nearly 30 and still being called to like a dog. All I could do was look at her silently and hold up a finger in a " just one moment " gesture and turned back to the girl I was conversing with. I was like, screw this. I am NOT going to just leave a conversation right in the middle of it because somebody is being RUDE and SHOUTING ACROSS A ROOM at me, no matter who it is. Eventually, when there was a natural break in the conversation, I did go see what my mom wanted, but I wasn't about to be rude to someone who was being NICE to me and conversing with me to jump up and see what she wanted. Grrrr... I'm sure I'll have to do this exact same thing 400 times in the future, because it will never sink in, but it was nice to be able to say, um...no. > > I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. > > When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. > > I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2011 Report Share Posted May 24, 2011 I just HAD to respond to this, because my mom does the same thing and it makes me CRAZY. She does it in department stores, grocery stores, she'll even do it in public restrooms, while I'm still in the stall!!! (Of course I've asked her nicely to stop). But she drew the last straw about a week before I cut off contact. Are you ready for it??? She came to my WORK to bring me candy (gee, THANKS) and spotted me walking back to my office, and from about 75 feet down the hall yells out my name as if I am a dog running into the street!! I can't even begin to describe the humiliation!! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, May 23, 2011 10:59 AM Subject: Re: my fears  I know what you're talking about. It is hard to set boundaries when you're constantly afraid of rejection. I was at a party this weekend that my mom was also at and I walked in and was almost immediately engaged in a conversation with a peer. I talked to her for like 3 minutes, then I hear, across the room...mom shouts, " BINK! COME HERE! " Oh. My. God. Nearly 30 and still being called to like a dog. All I could do was look at her silently and hold up a finger in a " just one moment " gesture and turned back to the girl I was conversing with. I was like, screw this. I am NOT going to just leave a conversation right in the middle of it because somebody is being RUDE and SHOUTING ACROSS A ROOM at me, no matter who it is. Eventually, when there was a natural break in the conversation, I did go see what my mom wanted, but I wasn't about to be rude to someone who was being NICE to me and conversing with me to jump up and see what she wanted. Grrrr... I'm sure I'll have to do this exact same thing 400 times in the future, because it will never sink in, but it was nice to be able to say, um...no. > > I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. > > When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. > > I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2011 Report Share Posted May 25, 2011 These posts are making me re-think how I address my 1 year old...sometime I mix his name up with the dog's name So...a story about my fear of overreacting....my 3 year old daughter just started swim lessons. These are group lessons, and in this particular lesson there were about 25 kids (none of whom can swim) and maybe 6 instructors. Not a bad ratio normally; however, it was pretty unorganized because it was the first lesson....anyways, the group was playing ring around the rosy in the shallow area. Unfortunately, the shallow area gets deeper the farther out you move. My daughter can only stand in the shallowest part. So, as you can imagine, as the circle of ring around the rosy got deeper and deeper, my daughter could stand less and less until she eventually went under and couldn't get back up. None of the instructors noticed...so I jumped in with all my clothes on and pulled her up, calmly put her on the side of the pool and addressed one of the instructors, in a firm tone, to please be more careful and observant. After the incident, I worried that I probably didn't have to get in, that the instructor would have gotten to her, or that my child would have worked her way to the surface. I got so insecure that I asked another mom who had been standing next to me if I had overreacted. She looked at me like I had 100 heads. She said " Your daughter was drowning. If you weren't going to jump in, I was. " Another mom who witnessed the incident emailed me afterwards and said she was going to complain about it to the manager - she specifically wanted to know if I wanted her to write a letter. And to think, I was seriously thinking that I might have overreacted when I jumped in. It's so frustrating to not trust your own instincts because you don't want to be like your mom. And it's terrifying really. My daughter afterwards told me she was scared. I'm glad that in that instant I actually did follow my instincts. Now I gotta work on not doubting myself afterwards! Judy > > > > I have this overwhelming, completely ridiculous fear of people not liking me. Of not being accepted. I try ridiculously hard to please people, and I panic when I think I've pissed someone off. > > > > When I have an strong emotion, I ignore it. I always think I am over-reacting. If my husband and I argue, I always feel like I am being like nada. Even if he apologizes for something he did. I can't trust my feelings. > > > > I have no idea who I am. My life is run by what other people think of me. > > > > Is this a by-product of my up-bringing? > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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