Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Hi, I just signed up for this and I want to say-what a relief! I have been feeling so isolated and not able to talk about my family situation for years. Thank you for sharing your stories... My history-I was raised by my grandmother, who I was told by my therapist likely had BPD. I always knew the things she did to me were't right as a child, but they never fit into what people told me was wrong either so I couldn't ask for help. I never knew who my grandmother was going to be-nice and kind taking me out for a nature walk or vicious and nasty and telling me I was nothing and would never be anything because I was no good. No matter if I did something that got praise one day, I might be torn apart the next for doing the same thing. The worst was not having any privacy at all. My grandmother (I can't believe I am sharing this but I see now it wasn't my fault) would not allow me to go to the bathroom alone, or use the toilet (she forced me to use a potty until I was really old and only stopped when I flat out refused to use it anymore-I think I was about 10 years old AND critized what I did in the potty) I was not allowed to shower alone or to sleep alone-she slept in the same bed as me until I was 16. However-she didn't sleep laid awake or crept around the house at night-really creepy. I never slept well for years because of it. When I went away to school she phoned constantly and even reported me missing to the police once when I didn't answer the phone. Oddly, I fell apart when she passed away in 2003, but it motivated me to seek help and a wonderful psychologist helped me understand this wasn't normal and it wasn't my fault. She taught me about boundaries and how to cope with confict and stress. Skills I didn't even know existed before then. For years I was afraid I would become like my grandmother and decided not to have children. However, after therapy and marrying my husband (a trusted childhood friend-the one person I was able to tell a little of what was happening to me)Today I have a beautiful baby and I think I am good parent-I certainly respect his boundaries and individuality. Sadly, my husbands mother was a student and friend of my grandmother's and my therapist feels she and her daughters (my sisters in law) have traits of BPD. My husband and I have both had childhood affected by BPD and have both attended therapy. Now we are finding our attempts to set healthy boundaries on his family have resulted in an attack on me. I would love to walk away from these people completely as I think I've had enough for a lifetime, but I love my husband and respect that he wants to have a civil relationship with his family. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can balance having a civil relationship for the sake of my husband while still protecting my (and our) boundaries? My in-laws have taken to using emotional abuse and bullying behaviours since I set simple boundaries like locking the house so they can't enter whenever they please. Also, how do I protect my baby AND let him have a relationship with his grandmother and aunts? Thank you for any suggestions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 It's crazy to find such a treasuretrove of experiences, right! I was amazed when I found this place, too. I think you're just going to have to stick with your boundaries and make sure your husband is on the same page. If you're locking the door, then he's going behind you and unlocking it, for example (I don't know if he would do something like that), then it's going to cause problems. You need to be a united front! With the baby: simple. If these people don't respect you, then they don't get to see the baby. Why would you let people who don't respect you access to your child? It doesn't matter who they are! No respect = no access. It's your child and you don't have to make an excuse for commanding respect. You deserve it. You're a human being and your baby is not their baby. If these people are angry that you are LOCKING YOUR DOOR, then I suspect you are dealing with a WHOLE lot of BPD and not just shades of it. Sorry you had to go through that with your gradmother. It sounds terrifying and creepy. > > Hi, I just signed up for this and I want to say-what a relief! I have been feeling so isolated and not able to talk about my family situation for years. Thank you for sharing your stories... > > My history-I was raised by my grandmother, who I was told by my therapist likely had BPD. I always knew the things she did to me were't right as a child, but they never fit into what people told me was wrong either so I couldn't ask for help. I never knew who my grandmother was going to be-nice and kind taking me out for a nature walk or vicious and nasty and telling me I was nothing and would never be anything because I was no good. No matter if I did something that got praise one day, I might be torn apart the next for doing the same thing. The worst was not having any privacy at all. My grandmother (I can't believe I am sharing this but I see now it wasn't my fault) would not allow me to go to the bathroom alone, or use the toilet (she forced me to use a potty until I was really old and only stopped when I flat out refused to use it anymore-I think I was about 10 years old AND critized what I did in the potty) I was not allowed to shower alone or to sleep alone-she slept in the same bed as me until I was 16. However-she didn't sleep laid awake or crept around the house at night-really creepy. I never slept well for years because of it. When I went away to school she phoned constantly and even reported me missing to the police once when I didn't answer the phone. Oddly, I fell apart when she passed away in 2003, but it motivated me to seek help and a wonderful psychologist helped me understand this wasn't normal and it wasn't my fault. She taught me about boundaries and how to cope with confict and stress. Skills I didn't even know existed before then. For years I was afraid I would become like my grandmother and decided not to have children. However, after therapy and marrying my husband (a trusted childhood friend-the one person I was able to tell a little of what was happening to me)Today I have a beautiful baby and I think I am good parent-I certainly respect his boundaries and individuality. > > Sadly, my husbands mother was a student and friend of my grandmother's and my therapist feels she and her daughters (my sisters in law) have traits of BPD. My husband and I have both had childhood affected by BPD and have both attended therapy. Now we are finding our attempts to set healthy boundaries on his family have resulted in an attack on me. I would love to walk away from these people completely as I think I've had enough for a lifetime, but I love my husband and respect that he wants to have a civil relationship with his family. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can balance having a civil relationship for the sake of my husband while still protecting my (and our) boundaries? My in-laws have taken to using emotional abuse and bullying behaviours since I set simple boundaries like locking the house so they can't enter whenever they please. Also, how do I protect my baby AND let him have a relationship with his grandmother and aunts? Thank you for any suggestions! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Whew! Welcome! From your post it sounds like you both have really been through it. You are probably correct about his family members being BPD too. Or there might be 1 or 2 BPDs and the rest are just exhibiting fleas thinking that is just the way interaction is done. Boundaries are your best friend, and you will have more luck with them if you and your husband can agree on & stay true to them. I'll be honest though, most of us have tried LC, NC or open contact. No matter how we tried, the BPD is determined to cause problems. For me the break came when my mother refused to honor any of my rules about my child--like no 'rearranging' the baby car seat straps. Again, welcome. We are here for you. > > Hi, I just signed up for this and I want to say-what a relief! I have been feeling so isolated and not able to talk about my family situation for years. Thank you for sharing your stories... > > My history-I was raised by my grandmother, who I was told by my therapist likely had BPD. I always knew the things she did to me were't right as a child, but they never fit into what people told me was wrong either so I couldn't ask for help. I never knew who my grandmother was going to be-nice and kind taking me out for a nature walk or vicious and nasty and telling me I was nothing and would never be anything because I was no good. No matter if I did something that got praise one day, I might be torn apart the next for doing the same thing. The worst was not having any privacy at all. My grandmother (I can't believe I am sharing this but I see now it wasn't my fault) would not allow me to go to the bathroom alone, or use the toilet (she forced me to use a potty until I was really old and only stopped when I flat out refused to use it anymore-I think I was about 10 years old AND critized what I did in the potty) I was not allowed to shower alone or to sleep alone-she slept in the same bed as me until I was 16. However-she didn't sleep laid awake or crept around the house at night-really creepy. I never slept well for years because of it. When I went away to school she phoned constantly and even reported me missing to the police once when I didn't answer the phone. Oddly, I fell apart when she passed away in 2003, but it motivated me to seek help and a wonderful psychologist helped me understand this wasn't normal and it wasn't my fault. She taught me about boundaries and how to cope with confict and stress. Skills I didn't even know existed before then. For years I was afraid I would become like my grandmother and decided not to have children. However, after therapy and marrying my husband (a trusted childhood friend-the one person I was able to tell a little of what was happening to me)Today I have a beautiful baby and I think I am good parent-I certainly respect his boundaries and individuality. > > Sadly, my husbands mother was a student and friend of my grandmother's and my therapist feels she and her daughters (my sisters in law) have traits of BPD. My husband and I have both had childhood affected by BPD and have both attended therapy. Now we are finding our attempts to set healthy boundaries on his family have resulted in an attack on me. I would love to walk away from these people completely as I think I've had enough for a lifetime, but I love my husband and respect that he wants to have a civil relationship with his family. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can balance having a civil relationship for the sake of my husband while still protecting my (and our) boundaries? My in-laws have taken to using emotional abuse and bullying behaviours since I set simple boundaries like locking the house so they can't enter whenever they please. Also, how do I protect my baby AND let him have a relationship with his grandmother and aunts? Thank you for any suggestions! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Thank you! I have felt that way about access to our baby-but was worrying I would be using him as a weapon in my conflicts. When you put it that way it makes total sense they shouldn't have access to him if they don't show respect (which they don't.) Guess that's part of being raised by a BP-you question what seems the right thing to do because you don't want to hurt or upset anyone. As for my husband he is on the same page as me and has actually set tougher boundaries on his mother than I have. This is so empowering! Thank you. Despite the therapy, I still sometimes feel like I'm the crazy. > > It's crazy to find such a treasuretrove of experiences, right! I was amazed when I found this place, too. > > I think you're just going to have to stick with your boundaries and make sure your husband is on the same page. If you're locking the door, then he's going behind you and unlocking it, for example (I don't know if he would do something like that), then it's going to cause problems. You need to be a united front! > > With the baby: simple. If these people don't respect you, then they don't get to see the baby. Why would you let people who don't respect you access to your child? It doesn't matter who they are! No respect = no access. It's your child and you don't have to make an excuse for commanding respect. You deserve it. You're a human being and your baby is not their baby. > > If these people are angry that you are LOCKING YOUR DOOR, then I suspect you are dealing with a WHOLE lot of BPD and not just shades of it. > > Sorry you had to go through that with your gradmother. It sounds terrifying and creepy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Thanks! I am amazed at the strength everyone here shows in dealing with what is beginning to seem to me to be an almost hopeless situation. I have noticed my mother in law doing similar things with my nephew-she ignors any rules and does what she thinks is best-and although it hasn't reached car seat straps yet, it's scary. We don't allow her to have access to our baby unless it is a supervised visit, and even then she is always pushing the boundaries. Thanks again for the welcome... > > Whew! Welcome! From your post it sounds like you both have really been through it. > > You are probably correct about his family members being BPD too. Or there might be 1 or 2 BPDs and the rest are just exhibiting fleas thinking that is just the way interaction is done. > > Boundaries are your best friend, and you will have more luck with them if you and your husband can agree on & stay true to them. > > I'll be honest though, most of us have tried LC, NC or open contact. No matter how we tried, the BPD is determined to cause problems. For me the break came when my mother refused to honor any of my rules about my child--like no 'rearranging' the baby car seat straps. > > Again, welcome. We are here for you. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 You are diffusing the conflict and setting things straight before bigger problems of power with your child arise. As kids raised with BP, we don't trust our gut instincts like we should. That's something that takes a long time to figure out how to do. I'm still working on it and I've been posting/lurking for 4 years here! I'm glad your husband is on the same page and has taken a firm stance with his mom. What I usually see on the board is a husband who won't set boundaries, and then the wife sets boundaries, and then the wife is the bad guy, but since you two are doing it together, you're like a team. They can't play one against the other, which is great! Don't let them try to convince you that you're putting your baby in the middle of conflict. You are protecting your child from people who do not know how to respect other humans. Remember, you are in control here. They may try to take it away, but the only way they can really get it is if you let them have it. Stay strong! > > > > It's crazy to find such a treasuretrove of experiences, right! I was amazed when I found this place, too. > > > > I think you're just going to have to stick with your boundaries and make sure your husband is on the same page. If you're locking the door, then he's going behind you and unlocking it, for example (I don't know if he would do something like that), then it's going to cause problems. You need to be a united front! > > > > With the baby: simple. If these people don't respect you, then they don't get to see the baby. Why would you let people who don't respect you access to your child? It doesn't matter who they are! No respect = no access. It's your child and you don't have to make an excuse for commanding respect. You deserve it. You're a human being and your baby is not their baby. > > > > If these people are angry that you are LOCKING YOUR DOOR, then I suspect you are dealing with a WHOLE lot of BPD and not just shades of it. > > > > Sorry you had to go through that with your gradmother. It sounds terrifying and creepy. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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