OMG mom, stay out of my business

May 21, 2011

In the past couple weeks it's occurred to me how... invasive my mom can be.

She's so freaking nosey and it's start to occur to me, that this is NOT normal,

that a lot of things are none of my mom's business. It's like a light bulb went

on and I realized, " Oh, hey, this is one of those boundaries things people talk

about. "

Because my whole life I thought this was normal. I thought this is just the way

things were. But it's not.

I spent most of my last therapy session talking about this this week. See, my

mom's name is on my bank accounts, because she opened them for me a few years

ago. My mom worked in banking her whole life and basically took it upon herself

to manage my entire families banking and finances. It's only been in the last

year or so that I've started learning how to do my own banking and stuff.

As such, she can go online whenever she wants, and check out my statements and

the like.

I was on the phone recently and out of the blue my mom directly asks, " So what

did you buy at and Noble last week? "

And I was like. Uh. I babbled my way through a lie and said I didn't remember.

Funny enough, what I'd bought was Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I didn't want

to tell her that and have her react badly to it.

And it sort of hit me, she does this ALL THE TIME. Every time I spend money, or

put money in my account, within a few days, she calls and asks me what I bought

or what it was for. In the past I usually told her without really thinking about

it. But in the past week or so it's hit me: This is really not any of my mom's

business, I don't have to answer her.

And it's not just that. She knows I'm seeing a therapist. EVERY WEEK she calls

me and at some point in the conversation asks how my therapy has been going and

keeps wanting to know what I talk about in there. I do my best to skirt around

the questions.

Today, again, she started in on asking me what I talk about in therapy. She was

asking if I talk about " my crazy mother, or my crazy brother or my crazy

father " . And I outright said I don't want to talk about this with her. And she

was all, " Why? " And I'm like, there's this thing called boundaries mom. And she

got all huffy about it. Then she asked if I talk to my best friend about what

goes on in therapy, and I told her that no, I don't. And then my mom goes and

asks if I'm setting boundaries with my best friend too. And I'm like, " No, mom,

I don't need to because she respects my privacy. " And my mom was all, " Fine, you

don't have to be so rude about it! " I'm like, I'm not being rude!

And I tried steering the conversation away from that. And we moved on to

something else.

But every few minutes in the middle of the conversation she'd be all, " Oh, do

you talk about that in therapy? " Like she's trying to catch me off guard or

something.

UGH. I was trying to hold my temper, but the more I notice these things the more

irritated I get. I outright TOLD HER I do NOT want to discuss what I talk about

in therapy with her, but she totally ignores that and just CONTINUES TO ASK.

Like, oh my god, mom. And if I were to point out that I had just told her I'm

not going to discuss this with her, I KNOW she would have just gotten pissy and

accused me of being rude to her.

As I write this, it's occurred to me... she's just not going to respect any

boundaries I try to set, is she?

-Kate

May 21, 2011

Kate,

No, she's never going to respect your boundaries. She's also

never going to respect your privacy. You need to get your nada's

name off your bank accounts NOW! You're an adult, not an

underage child who can't have her own bank account by herself.

Why are you allowing her access to your money? The way she

checks on where you're spending your money is bad enough, but it

would be even worse to find your money all gone one day because

she decided that she was justified in taking it from you. Don't

think that it can't happen. Nadas are very good at twisting

things around in their heads until they manage to justify

whatever it is they decide to do. She might decide to take your

money away because she thinks you're spending it unwisely, or to

" protect " you from wasting it, or she might decide that you

" owe " it to her.

As for her questions about therapy, I recommend saying something

like " That's private and I'm not going to discuss it with you.

Let's talk about .... (fill in some safe and

non-privacy-invading topic) " You don't have to discuss why you

won't discuss it with her either, or what you do and don't talk

about with your friends. None of that stuff is anything she has

a right to know. The more you answer her invasive and

inappropriate questions, the more power you give her over you.

You should take back that power. If she refuses to stop asking,

I recommend ending the conversation completely. Let her call you

rude if she wants. Her saying it doesn't make it true and you

don't have to listen to her say it either. Hang up the phone.

*You* are in control of whether or not you stay on the phone

with her. For that matter, you have control over whether you

even answer her calls. You don't have to do that either. That's

what caller ID and voice mail are for.

05:46 PM 05/21/2011 th3fac3insid3 wrote:

>In the past couple weeks it's occurred to me how... invasive my

>mom can be. She's so freaking nosey and it's start to occur to

>me, that this is NOT normal, that a lot of things are none of

>my mom's business. It's like a light bulb went on and I

>realized, " Oh, hey, this is one of those boundaries things

>people talk about. "

>

>Because my whole life I thought this was normal. I thought this

>is just the way things were. But it's not.

>

>I spent most of my last therapy session talking about this this

>week. See, my mom's name is on my bank accounts, because she

>opened them for me a few years ago. My mom worked in banking

>her whole life and basically took it upon herself to manage my

>entire families banking and finances. It's only been in the

>last year or so that I've started learning how to do my own

>banking and stuff.

>

>As such, she can go online whenever she wants, and check out my

>statements and the like.

>

>I was on the phone recently and out of the blue my mom directly

>asks, " So what did you buy at and Noble last week? "

>

>And I was like. Uh. I babbled my way through a lie and said I

>didn't remember. Funny enough, what I'd bought was Stop Walking

>on Eggshells, but I didn't want to tell her that and have her

>react badly to it.

>

>And it sort of hit me, she does this ALL THE TIME. Every time I

>spend money, or put money in my account, within a few days, she

>calls and asks me what I bought or what it was for. In the past

>I usually told her without really thinking about it. But in the

>past week or so it's hit me: This is really not any of my mom's

>business, I don't have to answer her.

>

>And it's not just that. She knows I'm seeing a therapist. EVERY

>WEEK she calls me and at some point in the conversation asks

>how my therapy has been going and keeps wanting to know what I

>talk about in there. I do my best to skirt around the questions.

>

>Today, again, she started in on asking me what I talk about in

>therapy. She was asking if I talk about " my crazy mother, or my

>crazy brother or my crazy father " . And I outright said I don't

>want to talk about this with her. And she was all, " Why? " And

>I'm like, there's this thing called boundaries mom. And she got

>all huffy about it. Then she asked if I talk to my best friend

>about what goes on in therapy, and I told her that no, I don't.

>And then my mom goes and asks if I'm setting boundaries with my

>best friend too. And I'm like, " No, mom, I don't need to

>because she respects my privacy. " And my mom was all, " Fine,

>you don't have to be so rude about it! " I'm like, I'm not being

>rude!

>

>And I tried steering the conversation away from that. And we

>moved on to something else.

>

>But every few minutes in the middle of the conversation she'd

>be all, " Oh, do you talk about that in therapy? " Like she's

>trying to catch me off guard or something.

>

>UGH. I was trying to hold my temper, but the more I notice

>these things the more irritated I get. I outright TOLD HER I do

>NOT want to discuss what I talk about in therapy with her, but

>she totally ignores that and just CONTINUES TO ASK. Like, oh my

>god, mom. And if I were to point out that I had just told her

>I'm not going to discuss this with her, I KNOW she would have

>just gotten pissy and accused me of being rude to her.

>

>As I write this, it's occurred to me... she's just not going to

>respect any boundaries I try to set, is she?

>

>-Kate

--

Katrina

May 21, 2011

Hi Kate,

I agree with Katrina, and with you: your mother IS being invasive and intrusive.

She does not have the right to have access to your money, to grill you about how

you spend it, or to badger you about what you discuss in therapy.

If you are an independent, self-supporting adult you have earned the right to

adult privacy. Any guilt you feel over expecting to be treated with respect is

inappropriate and misplaced.

You are right; your mother does not respect your privacy now, and if she has bpd

your mother is not likely to respect any reasonable, normal boundaries you

establish for yourself.

If your mother has bpd, she very likely views you as an extension of herself;

she can't comprehend you separating from her and feels threatened by it. You as

an independent adult = abandonment and loss of control to her.

Realize ahead of time that when you establish boundaries with your mother, she

probably will feel attacked, and she probably will call you " rude " and other

mean and inappropriate things (like " selfish " , " ungrateful " , etc.) and she may

escalate her attempts to domineer and control you.

You can withstand this; you can handle it. Its the bpd-mom version of a

two-year-old's tantrum.

I agree RE appropriate next steps: create new accounts for yourself with only

your name and transfer your money there. I suggest at a different bank, also.

And yes: if your mother will not respect your statement that you will not

discuss your therapy with her, the very next time she mentions it you just

pause, gather your adult assertiveness to you, your adult power, be silent for

a moment or two, then say something in a very calm way, like, " Mom, I said I

would not discuss that with you. If that is what you want to talk with me

about, then, I have other things I need to be doing. I'm going to hang up now.

Talk to you later. " And do not pick up the phone when she begins crazy-calling

you. Allow only one call a day, or one call a week, or whatever feels

reasonable to you.

And you have to be very, very consistent, just like with a two year old. Like a

broken record, practice saying your boundary calmly. Don't let her repeat her

therapy-related question; the first time she mentions it (each time she calls)

you repeat your boundary (however you wish to word it) saying in essence " I've

made it clear that I am not going to discuss that with you. So, I'm going to

hang up now. " (That way you are not being rude in the slightest.)

The broken-record technique is pretty effective. It gives the person with bpd

no new information, nothing to argue with.

If she calls you " rude " , say, " I understand that you think I am being rude. "

You're not agreeing with her that you are rude, you're just saying " I hear you. "

It may take a while, but eventually your mother will learn that if she does not

respect your boundary she is only going to have very, very short and

unsatisfying conversations with you.

And you get to decide how frequently you will talk with her.

If your mom wants to blow her one phone call a week getting told that you won't

discuss therapy with her and you're hanging up, then, that's her choice. She is

an adult intellectually if not emotionally, and responsible for her choices.

So, yes: you have to be the adult now, and let your two-year-old mama have a

tantrum over being told " no " if that's what she chooses to do.

You will survive it.

-Annie

> >In the past couple weeks it's occurred to me how... invasive my

> >mom can be. She's so freaking nosey and it's start to occur to

> >me, that this is NOT normal, that a lot of things are none of

> >my mom's business. It's like a light bulb went on and I

> >realized, " Oh, hey, this is one of those boundaries things

> >people talk about. "

> >

> >Because my whole life I thought this was normal. I thought this

> >is just the way things were. But it's not.

> >

> >I spent most of my last therapy session talking about this this

> >week. See, my mom's name is on my bank accounts, because she

> >opened them for me a few years ago. My mom worked in banking

> >her whole life and basically took it upon herself to manage my

> >entire families banking and finances. It's only been in the

> >last year or so that I've started learning how to do my own

> >banking and stuff.

> >

> >As such, she can go online whenever she wants, and check out my

> >statements and the like.

> >

> >I was on the phone recently and out of the blue my mom directly

> >asks, " So what did you buy at and Noble last week? "

> >

> >And I was like. Uh. I babbled my way through a lie and said I

> >didn't remember. Funny enough, what I'd bought was Stop Walking

> >on Eggshells, but I didn't want to tell her that and have her

> >react badly to it.

> >

> >And it sort of hit me, she does this ALL THE TIME. Every time I

> >spend money, or put money in my account, within a few days, she

> >calls and asks me what I bought or what it was for. In the past

> >I usually told her without really thinking about it. But in the

> >past week or so it's hit me: This is really not any of my mom's

> >business, I don't have to answer her.

> >

> >And it's not just that. She knows I'm seeing a therapist. EVERY

> >WEEK she calls me and at some point in the conversation asks

> >how my therapy has been going and keeps wanting to know what I

> >talk about in there. I do my best to skirt around the questions.

> >

> >Today, again, she started in on asking me what I talk about in

> >therapy. She was asking if I talk about " my crazy mother, or my

> >crazy brother or my crazy father " . And I outright said I don't

> >want to talk about this with her. And she was all, " Why? " And

> >I'm like, there's this thing called boundaries mom. And she got

> >all huffy about it. Then she asked if I talk to my best friend

> >about what goes on in therapy, and I told her that no, I don't.

> >And then my mom goes and asks if I'm setting boundaries with my

> >best friend too. And I'm like, " No, mom, I don't need to

> >because she respects my privacy. " And my mom was all, " Fine,

> >you don't have to be so rude about it! " I'm like, I'm not being

> >rude!

> >

> >And I tried steering the conversation away from that. And we

> >moved on to something else.

> >

> >But every few minutes in the middle of the conversation she'd

> >be all, " Oh, do you talk about that in therapy? " Like she's

> >trying to catch me off guard or something.

> >

> >UGH. I was trying to hold my temper, but the more I notice

> >these things the more irritated I get. I outright TOLD HER I do

> >NOT want to discuss what I talk about in therapy with her, but

> >she totally ignores that and just CONTINUES TO ASK. Like, oh my

> >god, mom. And if I were to point out that I had just told her

> >I'm not going to discuss this with her, I KNOW she would have

> >just gotten pissy and accused me of being rude to her.

> >

> >As I write this, it's occurred to me... she's just not going to

> >respect any boundaries I try to set, is she?

> >

> >-Kate

>

> --

> Katrina

>

May 21, 2011

I agree with the others--get your own banking account as soon as you can. My

dad was the same way--his name was on my checks and bank accounts, and he

would check on it now and then and sometimes ask what I bought. WTF. That's

why I used cash quite often to buy stuff. And he would sometimes transfer

money to my account, or from, for bills and such. He would take out money to

pay for my half of a car we both were paying on.

Before I moved out at 21, I moved some of the money over to a new account at

a different bank--in a round about way. First I started a savings account at

this other bank, and used it to move my money there. Then I moved it from

savings to checking, and when I got a second job in college (yeah, full time

school, two part time jobs--not recommended) I had it direct deposited to

that new account. The other thing I also did was to take out $20/40/60 at

ATMs and then deposit that, too. I was a bit paranoid, I guess.

I kept it quiet from my dad for a while, but then one night, he asked me,

How's your new job going? Well, I haven't seen the money deposited into the

account--are you sure everything's alright? and I had to owe up then that I

had opened a new account...and boy, did my dad act sulky and hurt, like it

was an affront to him. Then, I just started transferring money to my new

account a lot.

It helped, when he disowned me. I freaked out, because I didn't want him to

take out all my money, so I took out all my money in cash, closed the

account, and then deposited my cash into the new bank account ASAP after the

disowning letter. Then he sent a letter, asking what happened to the money

since he needed to pay for the car. Well, earlier that day I had parked the

car in the church parking lot near their house, with the phone in it, and

mailed the keys. Going off track.

But yes, it's crucial for you to have your own account, and the easiest way

to do so is to open a new bank account at a different bank if you can, and

start transferring money and using that account. That way, if your mom ever

goes crazy, (well, crazier than she already is), your money will be safe.

Holly

On Sat, May 21, 2011 at 4:46 PM, th3fac3insid3 wrote:

>

> In the past couple weeks it's occurred to me how... invasive my mom can be.

> She's so freaking nosey and it's start to occur to me, that this is NOT

> normal, that a lot of things are none of my mom's business. It's like a

> light bulb went on and I realized, " Oh, hey, this is one of those boundaries

> things people talk about. "

>

> Because my whole life I thought this was normal. I thought this is just the

> way things were. But it's not.

>

> I spent most of my last therapy session talking about this this week. See,

> my mom's name is on my bank accounts, because she opened them for me a few

> years ago. My mom worked in banking her whole life and basically took it

> upon herself to manage my entire families banking and finances. It's only

> been in the last year or so that I've started learning how to do my own

> banking and stuff.

>

> As such, she can go online whenever she wants, and check out my statements

> and the like.

>

> I was on the phone recently and out of the blue my mom directly asks, " So

> what did you buy at and Noble last week? "

>

> And I was like. Uh. I babbled my way through a lie and said I didn't

> remember. Funny enough, what I'd bought was Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I

> didn't want to tell her that and have her react badly to it.

>

> And it sort of hit me, she does this ALL THE TIME. Every time I spend

> money, or put money in my account, within a few days, she calls and asks me

> what I bought or what it was for. In the past I usually told her without

> really thinking about it. But in the past week or so it's hit me: This is

> really not any of my mom's business, I don't have to answer her.

>

> And it's not just that. She knows I'm seeing a therapist. EVERY WEEK she

> calls me and at some point in the conversation asks how my therapy has been

> going and keeps wanting to know what I talk about in there. I do my best to

> skirt around the questions.

>

> Today, again, she started in on asking me what I talk about in therapy. She

> was asking if I talk about " my crazy mother, or my crazy brother or my crazy

> father " . And I outright said I don't want to talk about this with her. And

> she was all, " Why? " And I'm like, there's this thing called boundaries mom.

> And she got all huffy about it. Then she asked if I talk to my best friend

> about what goes on in therapy, and I told her that no, I don't. And then my

> mom goes and asks if I'm setting boundaries with my best friend too. And I'm

> like, " No, mom, I don't need to because she respects my privacy. " And my mom

> was all, " Fine, you don't have to be so rude about it! " I'm like, I'm not

> being rude!

>

> And I tried steering the conversation away from that. And we moved on to

> something else.

>

> But every few minutes in the middle of the conversation she'd be all, " Oh,

> do you talk about that in therapy? " Like she's trying to catch me off guard

> or something.

>

> UGH. I was trying to hold my temper, but the more I notice these things the

> more irritated I get. I outright TOLD HER I do NOT want to discuss what I

> talk about in therapy with her, but she totally ignores that and just

> CONTINUES TO ASK. Like, oh my god, mom. And if I were to point out that I

> had just told her I'm not going to discuss this with her, I KNOW she would

> have just gotten pissy and accused me of being rude to her.

>

> As I write this, it's occurred to me... she's just not going to respect any

> boundaries I try to set, is she?

>

> -Kate

>

May 21, 2011

I'm looking into where to get a new bank account, trying to find out what I can

online. =/ It's so confusing though and I feel pathetic cause I know very little

about how all this works. I've relied on my parents, mostly my mom, for so long

and I'm just learning how to be independent. And stuff like this kicks my

anxiety up. I'm planning to work on this in therapy to decide what to do, and

how to make myself go do it without needing someone to hold my hand through it.

My mom being in charge of my banking has just... it's always been that way, and

it always seemed normal to me. Besides, I never really had much reason to need

to do anything with my bank accounts because I never had a job while in

highschool or college. My mom only opened my accounts and creditcard and stuff

while I was a young teen to start me on a road to earning good credit as early

as possible.

In the last 6 months or so I've started getting more involved my own banking and

financial affairs, but I let my mom stay on cause it seemed normal... plus I

felt like I needed someone to hold my hand as I learned how to do things for the

first time.

I keep thinking my mom wouldn't screw me over through my money, like by just

taking all my money. My best friend brought this up recently- she was worried

that my mom would take all my money from my account just before I move (I'm

planning to move across the country in the next year) and part of me worries

about it, but part of me really doubts my mom would do that.

I do plan on doing something about this though. I'm just trying to figure out

what.

Thank you for you advice. I'm definitely working on this. This is all so new to

me still...

-Kate

May 21, 2011

Kate,

If you have no experience with financial stuff, it would

probably be helpful if you could take a class on personal money

management. I know some evening schools offer that type of thing

as do some non-profit organizations that help people get back on

their feet after money problems.

When looking for a new bank, be sure to find out their fee

schedules and how big their ATM network is. There can be huge

differences from one bank to the next. Local banks and credit

unions often give you better deals on fees than big banks but

they may offer only a few locations which may or may not be

convenient for you. Opening a bank account is usually not at all

hard. You go to the bank with appropriate ID and something to

deposit and tell them you want to open an account. Then you fill

out some paperwork.

At 08:36 PM 05/21/2011 th3fac3insid3 wrote:

>I'm looking into where to get a new bank account, trying to

>find out what I can online. =/ It's so confusing though and I

>feel pathetic cause I know very little about how all this

>works. I've relied on my parents, mostly my mom, for so long

>and I'm just learning how to be independent. And stuff like

>this kicks my anxiety up. I'm planning to work on this in

>therapy to decide what to do, and how to make myself go do it

>without needing someone to hold my hand through it.

>

>My mom being in charge of my banking has just... it's always

>been that way, and it always seemed normal to me. Besides, I

>never really had much reason to need to do anything with my

>bank accounts because I never had a job while in highschool or

>college. My mom only opened my accounts and creditcard and

>stuff while I was a young teen to start me on a road to earning

>good credit as early as possible.

>

>In the last 6 months or so I've started getting more involved

>my own banking and financial affairs, but I let my mom stay on

>cause it seemed normal... plus I felt like I needed someone to

>hold my hand as I learned how to do things for the first time.

>

>I keep thinking my mom wouldn't screw me over through my money,

>like by just taking all my money. My best friend brought this

>up recently- she was worried that my mom would take all my

>money from my account just before I move (I'm planning to move

>across the country in the next year) and part of me worries

>about it, but part of me really doubts my mom would do that.

>

>I do plan on doing something about this though. I'm just trying

>to figure out what.

>

>Thank you for you advice. I'm definitely working on this. This

>is all so new to me still...

>

>-Kate

--

Katrina

May 21, 2011

Thank you so much for your words and advice. It feels so good to know people

understand. I'm definitely still learning to understand and accept that it's not

my fault/responsibility/etc. I'm trying not to let her episodes get to me.

Realizing how not-normal things are and that I need to set boundaries feels like

a big step. I'm definitely weary/anxious/nervous about how my mom will react to

this... but I'm working on it. I'm trying to be strong like you say.

I'm going to do what you said when my mom starts asking about my therapy

sessions. Try to anyway. I don't always feel like a very confident or assertive

person. =/ I'm trying though.

I'm definitely gonna put my foot down with the therapy questions. I'm sick of

them. Hopefully it'll get through to her... even though she's gonna give me hell

over it at first and

>

> If she calls you " rude " , say, " I understand that you think I am being rude. "

You're not agreeing with her that you are rude, you're just saying " I hear you. "

>

My therapist told me exactly this about a different matter- my relationship with

my best friend, my mom doesn't understand it and often accuses me of being in

love with her/being a lesbian and stuff. In the past I used to get frustrated

and try defending myself and arguing with my mom, but my therapist advice to

just being like, " I know you don't understand. " and stuff. It was pretty

effective. I'm definitely going to try and remember to do this instead of

fighting with her.

Thank you so much.

-Kate

May 21, 2011

What you did is totally what I've been considering. Open a new account and

slowly move my money over until my mom notices- hopefully by then I'll be ready

to have that conversation with her. Right now I don't feel emotionally ready for

it... or like I won't be able to assert myself, you know? I know this will cause

a huge fight and I don't know if I'm ready to handle that just yet.

-Kate

>

> I agree with the others--get your own banking account as soon as you can. My

> dad was the same way--his name was on my checks and bank accounts, and he

> would check on it now and then and sometimes ask what I bought. WTF. That's

> why I used cash quite often to buy stuff. And he would sometimes transfer

> money to my account, or from, for bills and such. He would take out money to

> pay for my half of a car we both were paying on.

>

> Before I moved out at 21, I moved some of the money over to a new account at

> a different bank--in a round about way. First I started a savings account at

> this other bank, and used it to move my money there. Then I moved it from

> savings to checking, and when I got a second job in college (yeah, full time

> school, two part time jobs--not recommended) I had it direct deposited to

> that new account. The other thing I also did was to take out $20/40/60 at

> ATMs and then deposit that, too. I was a bit paranoid, I guess.

>

> I kept it quiet from my dad for a while, but then one night, he asked me,

> How's your new job going? Well, I haven't seen the money deposited into the

> account--are you sure everything's alright? and I had to owe up then that I

> had opened a new account...and boy, did my dad act sulky and hurt, like it

> was an affront to him. Then, I just started transferring money to my new

> account a lot.

>

> It helped, when he disowned me. I freaked out, because I didn't want him to

> take out all my money, so I took out all my money in cash, closed the

> account, and then deposited my cash into the new bank account ASAP after the

> disowning letter. Then he sent a letter, asking what happened to the money

> since he needed to pay for the car. Well, earlier that day I had parked the

> car in the church parking lot near their house, with the phone in it, and

> mailed the keys. Going off track.

>

> But yes, it's crucial for you to have your own account, and the easiest way

> to do so is to open a new bank account at a different bank if you can, and

> start transferring money and using that account. That way, if your mom ever

> goes crazy, (well, crazier than she already is), your money will be safe.

>

> Holly

>

May 21, 2011

I agree that your therapist will be a good resource for you and can validate you

in your growing independence.

I suggest that its more important to just pick a bank (or credit union or

whatever) in your town that is a different bank that the one your current

account is in.

The goal is just to safely transfer your money into your own account, with only

your name on it, that only you have access to.

You can always do some research later and find which bank will give you the most

bang for your buck, and switch. But don't let all that daunt you up front,

dear. That can come later. I think taking a money management class is a great

idea, too, but first things first.

Any bank you choose will be happy to walk you through setting up a new account.

You can phone the bank first and ask how much cash you should bring with you to

set up a new checking or savings account.

Yes, this is a lot of new information to absorb, but as an independent,

self-supporting adult it truly is in your own best interest to have total, sole

control of your own money.

-Annie

> >I'm looking into where to get a new bank account, trying to

> >find out what I can online. =/ It's so confusing though and I

> >feel pathetic cause I know very little about how all this

> >works. I've relied on my parents, mostly my mom, for so long

> >and I'm just learning how to be independent. And stuff like

> >this kicks my anxiety up. I'm planning to work on this in

> >therapy to decide what to do, and how to make myself go do it

> >without needing someone to hold my hand through it.

> >

> >My mom being in charge of my banking has just... it's always

> >been that way, and it always seemed normal to me. Besides, I

> >never really had much reason to need to do anything with my

> >bank accounts because I never had a job while in highschool or

> >college. My mom only opened my accounts and creditcard and

> >stuff while I was a young teen to start me on a road to earning

> >good credit as early as possible.

> >

> >In the last 6 months or so I've started getting more involved

> >my own banking and financial affairs, but I let my mom stay on

> >cause it seemed normal... plus I felt like I needed someone to

> >hold my hand as I learned how to do things for the first time.

> >

> >I keep thinking my mom wouldn't screw me over through my money,

> >like by just taking all my money. My best friend brought this

> >up recently- she was worried that my mom would take all my

> >money from my account just before I move (I'm planning to move

> >across the country in the next year) and part of me worries

> >about it, but part of me really doubts my mom would do that.

> >

> >I do plan on doing something about this though. I'm just trying

> >to figure out what.

> >

> >Thank you for you advice. I'm definitely working on this. This

> >is all so new to me still...

> >

> >-Kate

>

> --

> Katrina

>

May 22, 2011

Kate - The local credit union we're using to get our teenager started with his

own account (same thing your mom did, but we will NOT be on it now that he's 18)

- has a special kind of account for college-age kids. You might be able to find

something like that at a credit union. It comes with periodic emails about " how

to bank " and they have staff that are willing to spend time with younger

customers. Just go in there and tell them that you're just getting started at

this. The bankers are likely to be pretty sympathetic. We found the credit

union to have better rates, be less punitive (with savings account management

fees, for instance) and very patient with our son.

Lots of women found themselves in your shoes when, in middle age, their husbands

dumped them and left them with no experience in handling bills and money. This

is not a unique situation, financially, so there ARE resources out there for

you.

But yeah, get your money out from under Nada's control. She WILL use it against

you when you start to disconnect. No question about it. It's what they do.

May 22, 2011

Kate

No, your BPD mom is not going to respect your boundaries. In fact, she

will never see that they exist. That is a foriegn concept to her: that

you exist beyond the relationship that feeds her needs. You cannot

change her.

You can, however, change the dynamic of the relationship. The work

will be all you, and she will not help. This means that you can have

boundaries, but YOU, and always, and eternally you, must enforce them.

She will whine, and bitch, and squirm about it, and think you cruel and

unfair. If she changes a behavior for a while, be assured just like any

other 3 year old, she will test it again to see if you are still

serious.

If you tell her that in the future you will hang up anytime she asks

about your therapy sessions, you will likely have to do it a number of

times. She will never respect that choice. She may alter her

behavrior at times, on the basis that " my daughter is so mean, so won t

even let me ask about how she is feeling when I know she is sick, ( yes,

that is the way she will couch it! ). But you can refuse to play her

games. You can set the dynamic for the relationship.

And why not? She is going to manipulate you with FOG regardless of what

you do. You might as well get some degree of sanity out of it.

Don t get angry or upset about it. Just decide what is acceptable, and

enforce it, just as firmly as you might take a 3 year olds hands out of

the dog s mouth a hundred times.

Doug

>

> In the past couple weeks it's occurred to me how... invasive my mom

can be. She's so freaking nosey and it's start to occur to me, that this

is NOT normal, that a lot of things are none of my mom's business. It's

like a light bulb went on and I realized, " Oh, hey, this is one of those

boundaries things people talk about. "

>

> Because my whole life I thought this was normal. I thought this is

just the way things were. But it's not.

>

> I spent most of my last therapy session talking about this this week.

See, my mom's name is on my bank accounts, because she opened them for

me a few years ago. My mom worked in banking her whole life and

basically took it upon herself to manage my entire families banking and

finances. It's only been in the last year or so that I've started

learning how to do my own banking and stuff.

>

> As such, she can go online whenever she wants, and check out my

statements and the like.

>

> I was on the phone recently and out of the blue my mom directly asks,

" So what did you buy at and Noble last week? "

>

> And I was like. Uh. I babbled my way through a lie and said I didn't

remember. Funny enough, what I'd bought was Stop Walking on Eggshells,

but I didn't want to tell her that and have her react badly to it.

>

> And it sort of hit me, she does this ALL THE TIME. Every time I spend

money, or put money in my account, within a few days, she calls and asks

me what I bought or what it was for. In the past I usually told her

without really thinking about it. But in the past week or so it's hit

me: This is really not any of my mom's business, I don't have to answer

her.

>

> And it's not just that. She knows I'm seeing a therapist. EVERY WEEK

she calls me and at some point in the conversation asks how my therapy

has been going and keeps wanting to know what I talk about in there. I

do my best to skirt around the questions.

>

> Today, again, she started in on asking me what I talk about in

therapy. She was asking if I talk about " my crazy mother, or my crazy

brother or my crazy father " . And I outright said I don't want to talk

about this with her. And she was all, " Why? " And I'm like, there's this

thing called boundaries mom. And she got all huffy about it. Then she

asked if I talk to my best friend about what goes on in therapy, and I

told her that no, I don't. And then my mom goes and asks if I'm setting

boundaries with my best friend too. And I'm like, " No, mom, I don't need

to because she respects my privacy. " And my mom was all, " Fine, you

don't have to be so rude about it! " I'm like, I'm not being rude!

>

> And I tried steering the conversation away from that. And we moved on

to something else.

>

> But every few minutes in the middle of the conversation she'd be all,

" Oh, do you talk about that in therapy? " Like she's trying to catch me

off guard or something.

>

> UGH. I was trying to hold my temper, but the more I notice these

things the more irritated I get. I outright TOLD HER I do NOT want to

discuss what I talk about in therapy with her, but she totally ignores

that and just CONTINUES TO ASK. Like, oh my god, mom. And if I were to

point out that I had just told her I'm not going to discuss this with

her, I KNOW she would have just gotten pissy and accused me of being

rude to her.

>

> As I write this, it's occurred to me... she's just not going to

respect any boundaries I try to set, is she?

>

> -Kate

>

May 22, 2011

Nope. She's not.

After 2.5 years of therapy, I learned this about boundaries:

They're not for THEM... they're for ME (you, us, etc.) They are the point in

your emotional/mental yard where you put up the electric fence and a point where

you release the dogs. The BPD will continue to come at you... will continue to

try to get over the fence... but it is up to YOU where that fence is and when

you throw the switch on the electricity, release the gaurd dogs and go back in

the house without engaging her.

Period.

She'll spend her life trying to get over that fence. You don't have to spend

yours right on the other side of it... throw the switch and walk off.

Lynnette

>

> In the past couple weeks it's occurred to me how... invasive my mom can be.

She's so freaking nosey and it's start to occur to me, that this is NOT normal,

that a lot of things are none of my mom's business. It's like a light bulb went

on and I realized, " Oh, hey, this is one of those boundaries things people talk

about. "

>

> Because my whole life I thought this was normal. I thought this is just the

way things were. But it's not.

>

> I spent most of my last therapy session talking about this this week. See, my

mom's name is on my bank accounts, because she opened them for me a few years

ago. My mom worked in banking her whole life and basically took it upon herself

to manage my entire families banking and finances. It's only been in the last

year or so that I've started learning how to do my own banking and stuff.

>

> As such, she can go online whenever she wants, and check out my statements and

the like.

>

> I was on the phone recently and out of the blue my mom directly asks, " So what

did you buy at and Noble last week? "

>

> And I was like. Uh. I babbled my way through a lie and said I didn't remember.

Funny enough, what I'd bought was Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I didn't want

to tell her that and have her react badly to it.

>

> And it sort of hit me, she does this ALL THE TIME. Every time I spend money,

or put money in my account, within a few days, she calls and asks me what I

bought or what it was for. In the past I usually told her without really

thinking about it. But in the past week or so it's hit me: This is really not

any of my mom's business, I don't have to answer her.

>

> And it's not just that. She knows I'm seeing a therapist. EVERY WEEK she calls

me and at some point in the conversation asks how my therapy has been going and

keeps wanting to know what I talk about in there. I do my best to skirt around

the questions.

>

> Today, again, she started in on asking me what I talk about in therapy. She

was asking if I talk about " my crazy mother, or my crazy brother or my crazy

father " . And I outright said I don't want to talk about this with her. And she

was all, " Why? " And I'm like, there's this thing called boundaries mom. And she

got all huffy about it. Then she asked if I talk to my best friend about what

goes on in therapy, and I told her that no, I don't. And then my mom goes and

asks if I'm setting boundaries with my best friend too. And I'm like, " No, mom,

I don't need to because she respects my privacy. " And my mom was all, " Fine, you

don't have to be so rude about it! " I'm like, I'm not being rude!

>

> And I tried steering the conversation away from that. And we moved on to

something else.

>

> But every few minutes in the middle of the conversation she'd be all, " Oh, do

you talk about that in therapy? " Like she's trying to catch me off guard or

something.

>

> UGH. I was trying to hold my temper, but the more I notice these things the

more irritated I get. I outright TOLD HER I do NOT want to discuss what I talk

about in therapy with her, but she totally ignores that and just CONTINUES TO

ASK. Like, oh my god, mom. And if I were to point out that I had just told her

I'm not going to discuss this with her, I KNOW she would have just gotten pissy

and accused me of being rude to her.

>

> As I write this, it's occurred to me... she's just not going to respect any

boundaries I try to set, is she?

>

> -Kate

>

May 22, 2011

A lot of banks let you open a checking account with just $25 and a photo ID.

Then you can just write a check from your old account and deposit in your new

one and voila! It's done.

Does your mother live near you? Proximity does make some things different in

dealing with these nuts we call our parents.

Lynette's metaphor about the fence and the dogs is a good one. I would add that

the barking, snarling, clawing, etc. can be absolutely terrifying - and even

more so when you're not sure of your fence (your own strength to enforce your

boundary). Your therapist will help you find boundaries you can enforce and you

will get stronger over time. Every success makes you stronger, no matter how

small. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. You can do it. You

will find your own path and your own timeline.

> >

> > In the past couple weeks it's occurred to me how... invasive my mom can be.

She's so freaking nosey and it's start to occur to me, that this is NOT normal,

that a lot of things are none of my mom's business. It's like a light bulb went

on and I realized, " Oh, hey, this is one of those boundaries things people talk

about. "

> >

> > Because my whole life I thought this was normal. I thought this is just the

way things were. But it's not.

> >

> > I spent most of my last therapy session talking about this this week. See,

my mom's name is on my bank accounts, because she opened them for me a few years

ago. My mom worked in banking her whole life and basically took it upon herself

to manage my entire families banking and finances. It's only been in the last

year or so that I've started learning how to do my own banking and stuff.

> >

> > As such, she can go online whenever she wants, and check out my statements

and the like.

> >

> > I was on the phone recently and out of the blue my mom directly asks, " So

what did you buy at and Noble last week? "

> >

> > And I was like. Uh. I babbled my way through a lie and said I didn't

remember. Funny enough, what I'd bought was Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I

didn't want to tell her that and have her react badly to it.

> >

> > And it sort of hit me, she does this ALL THE TIME. Every time I spend money,

or put money in my account, within a few days, she calls and asks me what I

bought or what it was for. In the past I usually told her without really

thinking about it. But in the past week or so it's hit me: This is really not

any of my mom's business, I don't have to answer her.

> >

> > And it's not just that. She knows I'm seeing a therapist. EVERY WEEK she

calls me and at some point in the conversation asks how my therapy has been

going and keeps wanting to know what I talk about in there. I do my best to

skirt around the questions.

> >

> > Today, again, she started in on asking me what I talk about in therapy. She