Writing this wear fear in my heart.

[Guest guest]

Ok guys, I've been in therapy since my oldest was 2 years old. I have done

everything I can do STOP the cycle, even before I knew it was BPD. My husband

has been through therapy, and AA. We have both tried to be involved, together

parents after coming both from dysfunctional homes. My mom is the BPD, my

husband's dad was a rager & sex addict; their spouses the dishrag enablers.

Now I see the video posted about the 5 faces of BPD and it was like a slap in

the face. My 19 year old son has been having a very difficult time. At no time

before age 17 did he exhibit behaviors considered out of the ordinary. Now I see

this video and I am considering what I have been calling " teenage angst " is

actually BPD.

1. Black & white thinking

2. Intense relationships/emotions

3. Depression, not eating

4. Driving people away (won't talk about his feelings)

5. Risk taking behavior

6. Drinking

Does anyone else here have any resources for understanding the difference?

Anyone else go through this? Am I just overreacting? He was a wonderful,

sensitive boy as a child. Now he's either being an ass or a humble, embarrassed

child when he's gotten burned by his bad choices.

I think I'll want to kill myself if I somehow passed this on to my son. Any

thoughts here?

[Guest guest]

I think a lot of young men are still emotionally immature at 19; they take

longer to " grow up " than girls, in general. So please don't despair, sink into

depression, become paralyzed by fear or self-flagellating with inappropriate

guilt.

Instead, proactively deal with the behaviors. If your son is becoming

self-destructive (drinking) and making poor choices (socially, educationally,

financially) I suggest you consider the possibility of getting him into

dialectical behavioral therapy. He's still young and impressionable; his brain

and character are not yet set in concrete. A good therapist who understands and

uses dbt therapy could have a very beneficial impact on him. And, if I

understand correctly, there are courses and books that teach dbt techniques for

nons to use when communicating with others who are having behavioral problems.

There is hope for change with the young.

-Annie

>

> Ok guys, I've been in therapy since my oldest was 2 years old. I have done

everything I can do STOP the cycle, even before I knew it was BPD. My husband

has been through therapy, and AA. We have both tried to be involved, together

parents after coming both from dysfunctional homes. My mom is the BPD, my

husband's dad was a rager & sex addict; their spouses the dishrag enablers.

>

> Now I see the video posted about the 5 faces of BPD and it was like a slap in

the face. My 19 year old son has been having a very difficult time. At no time

before age 17 did he exhibit behaviors considered out of the ordinary. Now I see

this video and I am considering what I have been calling " teenage angst " is

actually BPD.

>

> 1. Black & white thinking

> 2. Intense relationships/emotions

> 3. Depression, not eating

> 4. Driving people away (won't talk about his feelings)

> 5. Risk taking behavior

> 6. Drinking

>

> Does anyone else here have any resources for understanding the difference?

Anyone else go through this? Am I just overreacting? He was a wonderful,

sensitive boy as a child. Now he's either being an ass or a humble, embarrassed

child when he's gotten burned by his bad choices.

>

> I think I'll want to kill myself if I somehow passed this on to my son. Any

thoughts here?

>

[Guest guest]

BPD appears to be at least partially genetic. If it did get

passed on to your son, it isn't your fault. You had no control

over which genes your kids got. Please don't feel suicidal if it

does turn out that he had BPD. It doesn't require abuse or being

traumatized although that seems to be a contributing factor for

some people. (I've never seen or heard any evidence that my nada

was actually abused although she hated her own mother.)

All of what you list could be typical behavior for a young man

his age. Brains aren't quite finished maturing at that age,

particularly in boys. There's some good information about how

BPD is diagnosed here

<http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml> and here

<http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms>\

..

If your son is having problems, trying to get him into therapy

sooner rather than later would probably be wise. Depression is a

serious issue whether or not he has BPD or any other mental

health problem. Much of the rest of what is going on with him

could be a consequence of the depression.

At 06:14 PM 05/21/2011 echobabe1 wrote:

>Ok guys, I've been in therapy since my oldest was 2 years old.

>I have done everything I can do STOP the cycle, even before I

>knew it was BPD. My husband has been through therapy, and AA.

>We have both tried to be involved, together parents after

>coming both from dysfunctional homes. My mom is the BPD, my

>husband's dad was a rager & sex addict; their spouses the

>dishrag enablers.

>

>Now I see the video posted about the 5 faces of BPD and it was

>like a slap in the face. My 19 year old son has been having a

>very difficult time. At no time before age 17 did he exhibit

>behaviors considered out of the ordinary. Now I see this video

>and I am considering what I have been calling " teenage angst "

>is actually BPD.

>

>1. Black & white thinking

>2. Intense relationships/emotions

>3. Depression, not eating

>4. Driving people away (won't talk about his feelings)

>5. Risk taking behavior

>6. Drinking

>

>Does anyone else here have any resources for understanding the

>difference? Anyone else go through this? Am I just

>overreacting? He was a wonderful, sensitive boy as a child. Now

>he's either being an ass or a humble, embarrassed child when

>he's gotten burned by his bad choices.

>

>I think I'll want to kill myself if I somehow passed this on to

>my son. Any thoughts here?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Echo, I thought the video was interesting but to me it didn't demonstrate " the

crazy " in the extremes that I understand it. I think a little bit of evasion,

refusing to own up to feelings and the rest shown in the video is *normal*.

And a 19 year old boy - wow, you know they've still got some maturing to do too!

Most of the boys I knew at that age did. I thought the video was more

demonstrating how to keep a BPD person calm when they show those different

faces...but not saying people who did that were bpd.

To me the essence of BPD is what my nada does if she feels criticized or doesn't

get what she believes she is entitled to from me. She goes for the jugular

immediately using any weakness she thinks I have - she'll try to psychologically

destroy me if triggered enough. That is not normal and I think a pretty common

experience for people on this board. So if you frustrate your son, does he

attack you? (emotionally or physically) If not, please hold off on diagnosing

him with BPD it sounds like you've done a lot of great work to keep from passing

it on.

>

> Ok guys, I've been in therapy since my oldest was 2 years old. I have done

everything I can do STOP the cycle, even before I knew it was BPD. My husband

has been through therapy, and AA. We have both tried to be involved, together

parents after coming both from dysfunctional homes. My mom is the BPD, my

husband's dad was a rager & sex addict; their spouses the dishrag enablers.

>

> Now I see the video posted about the 5 faces of BPD and it was like a slap in

the face. My 19 year old son has been having a very difficult time. At no time

before age 17 did he exhibit behaviors considered out of the ordinary. Now I see

this video and I am considering what I have been calling " teenage angst " is

actually BPD.

>

> 1. Black & white thinking

> 2. Intense relationships/emotions

> 3. Depression, not eating

> 4. Driving people away (won't talk about his feelings)

> 5. Risk taking behavior

> 6. Drinking

>

> Does anyone else here have any resources for understanding the difference?

Anyone else go through this? Am I just overreacting? He was a wonderful,

sensitive boy as a child. Now he's either being an ass or a humble, embarrassed

child when he's gotten burned by his bad choices.

>

> I think I'll want to kill myself if I somehow passed this on to my son. Any

thoughts here?

>

[Guest guest]

I know, so easy to overreact. I showed the video to my husband who also perked

up and started wondering if this is applicable to our son.

I do not know any males with BPD, only my nada who at this stage is acting the

queen bitch to the hilt--then she plays the victim. But I see echoes on the

video that totally matched my son--the anger to protect himself from revealing

his feelings and then the " I'm just a loser " attitude when the protection drops.

Usually I would think his dropping the protection is good, as that's when people

usually learn from their mistakes and grow. But my son seems to just cover it

all up again and it becomes just another segment of his life he won't talk

about.

<<So if you frustrate your son, does he attack you? (emotionally or

physically)>> YES, he becomes extremely combative verbally, making several

topics off limits. He tries to turn the situation into an argument that puts me

on the spot, not him -- he's always had excellent deflecting skills.

Additionally, he does great 1 on 1 with us. But when we are all together and he

has to share the limelight he hates it--usually acts out in a way that brings

negative attention to himself (negative better than none, I guess). He's very

competitive with his sister, who he idolizes but wants to control or be seen 'in

charge' of her.

This may just be typical late teen behavior, but considering the family I come

from I am a bit freaked out. The fact he has been struggling so much the past 18

months also has me freaked--he's had some obsessive behaviors. I know they want

to show they are adults by choosing to control certain parts of their

lives--just some of the ways he has chosen have concerned me quite a bit.

May 31 his apt lease is up & his roommate has left town. If he doesn't find

another roommate or another apt, he will have no choice but to move back home.

We took the car away from him 2 months ago because he was drinking. I'd rather

he stayed where he is--in a large city with a job and public transportation,

near his job and college. If he moves here he has no job and we live rurally

(good luck getting a job withing biking distance).

I'm watching him implode and instead of it getting better it is getting worse.

Where is he this weekend with all this hanging in the balance? He's off camping

at a festival this weekend instead of trying to arrange his new housing.

Maybe this is normal. I wouldn't know--I toed the line and didn't give my

parents any real worries. My husband also behaved so that his parents would not

find anything to complain about. My older daughter gave me a few concerns, but

we just kept on her until she found her footing and I am thrilled to say once

she got herself up to college as a sophomore she set out her goals has done

well.

I only know that next time I hit a wall with his verbal wall of anger I am going

to approach the situation differently.

> >

> > Ok guys, I've been in therapy since my oldest was 2 years old. I have done

everything I can do STOP the cycle, even before I knew it was BPD. My husband

has been through therapy, and AA. We have both tried to be involved, together

parents after coming both from dysfunctional homes. My mom is the BPD, my

husband's dad was a rager & sex addict; their spouses the dishrag enablers.

> >

> > Now I see the video posted about the 5 faces of BPD and it was like a slap

in the face. My 19 year old son has been having a very difficult time. At no

time before age 17 did he exhibit behaviors considered out of the ordinary. Now

I see this video and I am considering what I have been calling " teenage angst "

is actually BPD.

> >

> > 1. Black & white thinking

> > 2. Intense relationships/emotions

> > 3. Depression, not eating

> > 4. Driving people away (won't talk about his feelings)

> > 5. Risk taking behavior

> > 6. Drinking

> >

> > Does anyone else here have any resources for understanding the difference?

Anyone else go through this? Am I just overreacting? He was a wonderful,

sensitive boy as a child. Now he's either being an ass or a humble, embarrassed

child when he's gotten burned by his bad choices.

> >

> > I think I'll want to kill myself if I somehow passed this on to my son. Any

thoughts here?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I haven't seen the video nor did I read all the replies to your post, but I

work with teenagers, all day every day, and if those are definitive signs of

BPD, then they all have it. I think that list includes some behaviors that

are typical of their developmental stage. Many teens see the world in black and

white, Have intense relationships and emotions, engage in risky behaviors and

experiment with drinking. Boys especially often have a hard time expressing

their feelings, and often, girls, too Those supposed " signs " are not unusual,

as part of the process of individuation and hormonal havoc. I don't want to

trivialize whatever the video is, but as a professional educator, I am actually

kind of laughing.

>

> Ok guys, I've been in therapy since my oldest was 2 years old. I have done

everything I can do STOP the cycle, even before I knew it was BPD. My husband

has been through therapy, and AA. We have both tried to be involved, together

parents after coming both from dysfunctional homes. My mom is the BPD, my

husband's dad was a rager & sex addict; their spouses the dishrag enablers.

>

> Now I see the video posted about the 5 faces of BPD and it was like a slap in

the face. My 19 year old son has been having a very difficult time. At no time

before age 17 did he exhibit behaviors considered out of the ordinary. Now I see

this video and I am considering what I have been calling " teenage angst " is

actually BPD.

>

> 1. Black & white thinking

> 2. Intense relationships/emotions

> 3. Depression, not eating

> 4. Driving people away (won't talk about his feelings)

> 5. Risk taking behavior

> 6. Drinking

>

> Does anyone else here have any resources for understanding the difference?

Anyone else go through this? Am I just overreacting? He was a wonderful,

sensitive boy as a child. Now he's either being an ass or a humble, embarrassed

child when he's gotten burned by his bad choices.

>

> I think I'll want to kill myself if I somehow passed this on to my son. Any

thoughts here?

>

[Guest guest]

OK! I'll stop hyperventilating over this stupid video and just work on being

more present in conversations with him.

I sure as sh*t don't need any more mentally ill family members to deal with. I

am grateful every day for finding this list and having you all to ask about the

stuff~~

>

> I haven't seen the video nor did I read all the replies to your post, but I

work with teenagers, all day every day, and if those are definitive signs of

BPD, then they all have it.