BPD radar - or BPDar

[Guest guest]

Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for identifying BPD

in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like the mother, but

I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through her...and FEEL her

pain at the same time.

Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes me think

that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it in

others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for oh

so many years.

I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but it hasn't

been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on Saturday, and

my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been mailing things

to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't exist. But I don't

think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here, hoping/worrying (as

I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just sitting...all coiled...getting

stronger...

What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never hit. I

don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get. What the

hell am I afraid of?

Okay, sorry...had to vent.

[Guest guest]

There are many forms of emotional abuse and they are just as devastating and

destructive to a child as being hit or beaten. Being treated like an object

that has no feelings and no rights, is very abusive.

For example, I basically had to like everything my nada liked, and hate

everything and everyone she hated, or I would be called " weird " or " disgusting "

because I was an individual and not an exact clone of her. Or I would be shamed

and humiliated by her because I was perpetually disappointing her by not being

perfect.

Lots of members here were not beaten or hit; instead they were parentalized

(expected to nurture and rescue their parent) or infantilized (not allowed to

grow up and individuate) or turned into their mother's surrogate spouse... or

they were designated as the family scapegoat: the " all bad " child who carried

all of nada's negative feelings about herself, her own most-hated traits.

So, how has your bpd mother treated you, or, what are her behaviors that make

you suspect that she has borderline pd?

-Annie

>

> Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

>

> It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for identifying

BPD in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like the mother,

but I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through her...and FEEL

her pain at the same time.

>

> Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes me think

that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it in

others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for oh

so many years.

>

> I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but it

hasn't been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on

Saturday, and my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been

mailing things to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't

exist. But I don't think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here,

hoping/worrying (as I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just

sitting...all coiled...getting stronger...

>

> What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never hit.

I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get. What

the hell am I afraid of?

>

> Okay, sorry...had to vent.

>

[Guest guest]

" If it smells like chicken, tastes like chicken, it must be chicken. "

Seriously, once we experience and understand a pattern of dysfunction emanating

from someone, we can usually figure it out pretty quick.

Once I figured the pattern of alcoholism, I could see it in people I was only

mildly acquainted with. And their Enablers. Now I can spot NPD's and BPD's a

mile away. I even look back at relationships (a coworker, and old boss) and see

I was attracted to them because they offered familiar dysfunction patterns to my

childhood.

With the mom in the Black Swan, you just had to notice the mania in her eyes.

Our intuition is finely honed from childhood, we just have to learn to trust it.

>

> Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

>

> It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for identifying

BPD in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like the mother,

but I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through her...and FEEL

her pain at the same time.

>

> Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes me think

that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it in

others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for oh

so many years.

>

> I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but it

hasn't been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on

Saturday, and my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been

mailing things to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't

exist. But I don't think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here,

hoping/worrying (as I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just

sitting...all coiled...getting stronger...

>

> What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never hit.

I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get. What

the hell am I afraid of?

>

> Okay, sorry...had to vent.

>

[Guest guest]

" If it smells like chicken, tastes like chicken, it must be chicken. "

Seriously, once we experience and understand a pattern of dysfunction emanating

from someone, we can usually figure it out pretty quick.

Once I figured the pattern of alcoholism, I could see it in people I was only

mildly acquainted with. And their Enablers. Now I can spot NPD's and BPD's a

mile away. I even look back at relationships (a coworker, and old boss) and see

I was attracted to them because they offered familiar dysfunction patterns to my

childhood.

With the mom in the Black Swan, you just had to notice the mania in her eyes.

Our intuition is finely honed from childhood, we just have to learn to trust it.

>

> Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

>

> It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for identifying

BPD in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like the mother,

but I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through her...and FEEL

her pain at the same time.

>

> Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes me think

that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it in

others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for oh

so many years.

>

> I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but it

hasn't been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on

Saturday, and my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been

mailing things to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't

exist. But I don't think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here,

hoping/worrying (as I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just

sitting...all coiled...getting stronger...

>

> What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never hit.

I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get. What

the hell am I afraid of?

>

> Okay, sorry...had to vent.

>

[Guest guest]

Why do I think my nada is borderline? Where do I begin?

For starters, whenever I expressed some sort of feeling or opinion when I was a

kid (and adult for that matter), I was told that I was being ridiculous. Even

when I told her I wanted to join the Peace Corps or the Navy after college, I

was told that I was being ridiculous. I can remember how angry she would get at

us kids - drool and spit would be coming from her mouth as she would scream. She

would hit my younger siblings with a kitchen spoon...and I never really thought

they deserved it, even when I was young. I can't even count the number of people

that have wronged her, that our family is no longer friends with. I can't trust

a thing that comes out of her mouth because she manipulates events (changes them

around, leaves important pieces out, etc...) to prove some sort of point. Her

recollection of our childhood is that my Dad was never involved, never helped -

even though he paid the bills, did the laundry, cleaned up after dinner, took us

kids to the pool on the weekends and/or coached our teams, took care of the

cars, swept the floor, took out the garbage, etc...oh, and worked full time.

Geez, if I could just get my husband to do some of that list!

When I graduated with my PhD, she told a complete stranger that she was happy

that I was no longer on the payroll. I was married with kids already. Had owned

2 homes. My parents never paid a cent towards that degree. I worked really hard

to pay for it. And then the whole day was about her and how she wants to walk

down the aisle with a cap and gown and she bets she can do it too.

Nothing is ever good enough. When we lived out of state, we came and stayed with

nada for a week for a visit...every year, at least once. But of course, she

never remembers these visits. She tells everyone (and us!) that we never

visited. But she does remember that we visited my in-laws every year. If I said

we were coming for Christmas, she'd ask why we weren't coming for Thanksgiving.

She threatens suicide when she's not getting enough attention. She even made up

a story about being molested as a kid.

I could go on.

I guess my confusion is this - if I'm NC with her, and the abuse was emotional,

then I feel like I should be more at peace. In addition, I feel like her BPD

came out more when I was an adult (my younger sibs are much younger than

me...the symptoms really got rough when they went off to college) even though in

hindsight my childhood does make more sense now.

Sorry to babble. Thanks for the support

> >

> > Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

> >

> > It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for identifying

BPD in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like the mother,

but I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through her...and FEEL

her pain at the same time.

> >

> > Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes me

think that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it in

others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for oh

so many years.

> >

> > I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but it

hasn't been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on

Saturday, and my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been

mailing things to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't

exist. But I don't think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here,

hoping/worrying (as I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just

sitting...all coiled...getting stronger...

> >

> > What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never

hit. I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get.

What the hell am I afraid of?

> >

> > Okay, sorry...had to vent.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yup. Pretty much anyone who has no sense of my boundaries is easy to spot. I

feel like I can identify a Cluster 2 after very few interactions.

>

> Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

[Guest guest]

In my unprofessional opinion, the behaviors you describe sound very sadly

familiar to me and could very well be bpd. Or possibly bpd plus narcissistic

pd.

My nada has been formally diagnosed with bpd and she does a lot of the behaviors

you describe. I think my nada has other Cluster B traits as well, and a possible

co-morbidity with npd and obsessive-compulsive pd (which is different than

obsessive compulsive disorder, confusingly.)

The lying, the re-writing history, the blaming/projecting, the breaks with

reality under stress (paranoia, delusional thinking, dissociation) the

black-and-white thinking, and the fixed, pervasive belief that there is nothing

wrong with her at all (its everyone else who is lying, hateful, and trying to

hurt her) are all very borderline pd and general pd symptoms.

Mine would do that taking-credit thing for any achievements I earned, but if I

didn't win or screwed up it was all my own fault. My nada did that " that's

ridiculous " , denigration thing more to my younger Sister. No matter what Sister

did or wanted to try, it was pronounced wrong, stupid, or got shamed by our

nada.

Like yours, mine would have such extreme red-faced, eye-bugging, rages that the

spit would fly out of her mouth and spatter me as she was clamping my arms,

holding me close to her face so she could screech verbal abuse at me. Unlike

your nada, my nada was likely to escalate into physical abuse. I call that a

rage-tantrum. Not unexpected behavior in a 2-year-old, but completely abnormal,

highly inappropriate and freaking dangerous in an adult who lets herself devolve

into out-of-control, infantile, physical rage at a real two-year-old.

So, anyway... I and probably many of us here can relate to your descriptions of

the kinds of abnormal, abusive parenting you endured.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

> > >

> > > It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for

identifying BPD in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like

the mother, but I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through

her...and FEEL her pain at the same time.

> > >

> > > Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes me

think that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it in

others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for oh

so many years.

> > >

> > > I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but it

hasn't been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on

Saturday, and my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been

mailing things to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't

exist. But I don't think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here,

hoping/worrying (as I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just

sitting...all coiled...getting stronger...

> > >

> > > What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never

hit. I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get.

What the hell am I afraid of?

> > >

> > > Okay, sorry...had to vent.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Annie. I am not sure if nada has been formally diagnosed, but she has

been in mental health treatment for years. Although if she has been diagnosed

with BPD, they certainly aren't helping with the treatment!

I was thinking, and maybe this rings true for some of the others, that perhaps

being " no contact " doesn't work for some KO's is because being NC means not

hearing her crazy stories or experiencing her nastiness or feeling that awful

dread when she calls or emails. For me anyways...I think I get anxious because I

almost " forget " how she is and what she does and how it all makes me feel and

interferes with my life. When you asked me what some of the BPD traits nada had

were, it felt so good to write it down and read it....not because I've never

gotten it out - I been in therapy(!), but because I needed to remind myself that

she is indeed harmful to my wellbeing...and that being NC is really the best

route, at least for right now.

That might not make sense, but thank you for asking the right question at the

right time!

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

> > > >

> > > > It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for

identifying BPD in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like

the mother, but I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through

her...and FEEL her pain at the same time.

> > > >

> > > > Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes me

think that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it in

others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for oh

so many years.

> > > >

> > > > I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but

it hasn't been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on

Saturday, and my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been

mailing things to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't

exist. But I don't think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here,

hoping/worrying (as I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just

sitting...all coiled...getting stronger...

> > > >

> > > > What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was

never hit. I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't

get. What the hell am I afraid of?

> > > >

> > > > Okay, sorry...had to vent.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder why am I so messed up when it could

have been so much worse? I guess it was bad enough though. Maybe some part of

us will always remember when making our borderline mothers angry meant being

shamed, guilted, frozen-out. Now as an adult that fear is still there

somewhere. And even when they weren't angry they couldn't give normal love and

security. That's enough to eff anybody up!

>

>

> What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never hit.

I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get. What

the hell am I afraid of?

>

> Okay, sorry...had to vent.

>

[Guest guest]

You're welcome. And you're right that each of us has to find our own path.

There is no " the right way " or " the best way " to handle having a bpd parent, its

all about finding what works for YOU, as an individual.

From what I've read, some borderlines do go in for psychological treatment but

its for co-existing conditions like depression or anxiety. If the underlying

personality disorder never gets properly diagnosed, then it can't be addressed

in treatment.

So, with or without a formal diagnosis for our parent(s), we can at least

educate ourselves about their negative behaviors and learn how to manage or

handle someone who is being abusive to us.

We can learn to set reasonable boundaries RE what we will and will not tolerate,

and enforce our boundaries and give consequences for boundary violation.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > Does anyone else feel like they have BPD radar?

> > > > >

> > > > > It's strange, but sometimes I think I actually have a talent for

identifying BPD in other people. Like the post about Black Swan...I didn't like

the mother, but I really didn't know why. It's like I could just SEE through

her...and FEEL her pain at the same time.

> > > > >

> > > > > Just curious if anyone else has this experience. Of course, it makes

me think that I am the one with the BPD...you now, how else could I identify it

in others? But, then again, it's more than likely because I lived with one for

oh so many years.

> > > > >

> > > > > I had my first panic attack yesterday. I'm NC with nada right now, but

it hasn't been that long (since the week before Mother's Day). She called on

Saturday, and my efforts at call blocking failed. No message. She's also been

mailing things to the kids. I'd like to be NC to the point where she doesn't

exist. But I don't think that will ever happen. So now I am just sitting here,

hoping/worrying (as I think Lynette put it) that the snake isn't just

sitting...all coiled...getting stronger...

> > > > >

> > > > > What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was

never hit. I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't

get. What the hell am I afraid of?

> > > > >

> > > > > Okay, sorry...had to vent.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A normal, relatively mentally healthy person can get post traumatic stress

disorder after *one* traumatic incident, such as being in a bad car accident, or

getting beaten up by a gang, or robbed at gunpoint.

So, it really should not surprise us that *years and years* of chronic emotional

abuse (by one's parents or spouse) can cause emotional injury too. The

psychiatric community is considering adding " complex post-traumatic stress

disorder " as a sub-category of ptsd to accommodate prolonged stressful

environments.

-Annie

> >

>

> >

> > What the hell was I panicked about though?! I was never beat. I was never

hit. I don't even live in the same town anymore. That's the part I don't get.

What the hell am I afraid of?

> >

> > Okay, sorry...had to vent.

> >

>