she moved out... now what?

[Guest guest]

I don't know who remembers because i have only posted a couple of times, but my

BPD waif nada has been living with my husband and I for the last 9 months.

(very long story and she did live here 2 other times in the past for a similar

length of time and same scenarios... she is a victim!)

We have been trying to get her to make some good decisions in her life for a

change, and at every chance she disappoints me and makes another bad one. Last

night she and my husband (and then I) got in a huge fight and she moved out. In

the cluster bombs taking place there was many shocking and painful things said

to me, about my marriage, my house, my motives, etc. In the aftermath I was

nearly catatonic. I just wasn't even sure what emotion I was feeling, stunned,

sad, mad. Today there is some relief, she is actually out of here... is that

right? She's actually out . of . here. But there is also crushing FOG. I am

seeing the therapist on Wed and am hoping that she will be able to give me some

coping techniques, some clarity. Because I just feel like... like I am

emotionally crippled??? I have no idea what to do or say or how to act. Plus

our garage is filled with her stuff, and I don't know how or when she will show

up to get it, and where it will go. Mainly I am worried about the

confrontation, guilt and drama when/if she does show up.

To add to it my husband and I are going through fertility treatments (hmm... I

feel like there is a sisterhood of that on this list! ) and I am trying so

hard to be positive and healthy. I have the same fears of being a mother as the

others have mentioned here. I do feel like I've BEEN a mother to my own for so

long already... but it is like all of the crap and none of the positive aspects

of parenting. Basically being a powerless parent, one who feels inappropriately

tied to the outcome of every decision their victimized 'child' makes. Who feels

the pain, loneliness, and " never enough for ME " that their " child " feels, and

never the joy and gratitude for all of the blessings in their life. My husband

was so mad last night that he said if we did have a child he would not allow

nada to visit us. I can't believe we've come to this, and yet I can't believe

how bad and wrong things have been and for how long it has dragged on. So I

know it is GOOD that she is moved out, but I just don't really know how to pick

up my fragmented emotions and move forward now??

*Star

[Guest guest]

After a traumatic episode like you just had thanks to your nada, your psyche

needs time to process it. After a trauma, first you are in kind of numb state

of shock. Then the shock wears off, and you start feeling emotional pain. It

hurts and its confusing and it takes a while to sort it all out.

Plus, if this is in effect the end of your relationship with your nada, its like

experiencing a death. You will probably go through the stages of grief/mourning

for her.

But the good news is that as an adult, you can understand the unhealthy,

repetitive pattern of abuse you've experienced your whole life with your pd

mother, you can comprehend that her mental illness is not your fault, and that

your mother (who is also an adult) is responsible for her own self, responsible

for her own happiness, and responsible for getting treatment for herself.

You do not have the power to save her from her own self, from her own feelings.

Your mother is the only one who has this power to seek help for herself.

The only power you have is over your own self; you can use your rational,

intelligent, adult mind to protect yourself/your inner child from further abuse.

Nobody was put on this earth to be their parent's emotional or physical punching

bag or her parent's parent. Its wrong to do that to your own child; its

narcissistic, selfish, and abusive, and its the same as treating your child like

a thing, an object with no feelings that can be hurt. Its wrong.

Any guilt or responsibility you feel for your mother's emotional well-being is

inappropriate and misplaced. Give the guilt back to her; its hers to carry.

Give the responsibility back to her: that's her's too, to deal with like the

adult she is.

I hope your therapist can help you absolve yourself from any lingering,

inappropriate misplaced guilt you may still be feeling so that you can

concentrate instead on having your own joyful, independent adult life, you and

your husband.

Your mother has her own life, she does not have the right to absorb, exploit,

dominate and control your life too, or your husband's or your future childrens'

lives.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I don't know who remembers because i have only posted a couple of times, but

my BPD waif nada has been living with my husband and I for the last 9 months.

(very long story and she did live here 2 other times in the past for a similar

length of time and same scenarios... she is a victim!)

>

> We have been trying to get her to make some good decisions in her life for a

change, and at every chance she disappoints me and makes another bad one. Last

night she and my husband (and then I) got in a huge fight and she moved out. In

the cluster bombs taking place there was many shocking and painful things said

to me, about my marriage, my house, my motives, etc. In the aftermath I was

nearly catatonic. I just wasn't even sure what emotion I was feeling, stunned,

sad, mad. Today there is some relief, she is actually out of here... is that

right? She's actually out . of . here. But there is also crushing FOG. I am

seeing the therapist on Wed and am hoping that she will be able to give me some

coping techniques, some clarity. Because I just feel like... like I am

emotionally crippled??? I have no idea what to do or say or how to act. Plus

our garage is filled with her stuff, and I don't know how or when she will show

up to get it, and where it will go. Mainly I am worried about the

confrontation, guilt and drama when/if she does show up.

>

> To add to it my husband and I are going through fertility treatments (hmm... I

feel like there is a sisterhood of that on this list! ) and I am trying so

hard to be positive and healthy. I have the same fears of being a mother as the

others have mentioned here. I do feel like I've BEEN a mother to my own for so

long already... but it is like all of the crap and none of the positive aspects

of parenting. Basically being a powerless parent, one who feels inappropriately

tied to the outcome of every decision their victimized 'child' makes. Who feels

the pain, loneliness, and " never enough for ME " that their " child " feels, and

never the joy and gratitude for all of the blessings in their life. My husband

was so mad last night that he said if we did have a child he would not allow

nada to visit us. I can't believe we've come to this, and yet I can't believe

how bad and wrong things have been and for how long it has dragged on. So I

know it is GOOD that she is moved out, but I just don't really know how to pick

up my fragmented emotions and move forward now??

>

> *Star

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Star, you are much, MUCH nicer than me. I could never let my mother live

with me (pls don't misunderstand; not saying you made a mistake; you were being

compassionate to someone who will drain you of everything you have and then

wants more).

Esp while you are going through fertility treatments. That alone is a hugely

stressful, difficult time...which I'm sure your mother didn't give a rat's ass

about b/c it took the attention away from her...I'm guessing here. That's how my

mother is.

Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe you could just try to go a few times to talk

to someone completely removed from this situation. this is a bad situation, it's

affecting your marriage, your emotional health, and your children, and they

aren't even born yet. YOU are the priority right now. You're trying to get

pregnant. Don't let her make it about her.

Also, you should be nowhere in or near the picture when/if she comes for her

crap. Part of me wonders if you should just dump it in a storage facility and

have a third party tell her to go get it.

I really feel for you. You sound like a FANTASTIC person; you're just trying to

do right by your mother/nada and she can't let you have your life. Again, YOU

are the priority. You, you, you. I agree with your husband. After that

outburst, she will have to jump through a burning hoop to impress me at this

point.

Please make it a goal to make it all about you. This is your moment. I keep

reminding myself that my mother had her day, she had her marriage and her kids,

however she chose to live it is her problem. This is my turn/choice/time now.

And it's yours, too.

We're here for you, Star. So sorry for all the pain you're going through.

Best wishes,

Fiona

>

> I don't know who remembers because i have only posted a couple of times, but

my BPD waif nada has been living with my husband and I for the last 9 months.

(very long story and she did live here 2 other times in the past for a similar

length of time and same scenarios... she is a victim!)

>

> We have been trying to get her to make some good decisions in her life for a

change, and at every chance she disappoints me and makes another bad one. Last

night she and my husband (and then I) got in a huge fight and she moved out. In

the cluster bombs taking place there was many shocking and painful things said

to me, about my marriage, my house, my motives, etc. In the aftermath I was

nearly catatonic. I just wasn't even sure what emotion I was feeling, stunned,

sad, mad. Today there is some relief, she is actually out of here... is that

right? She's actually out . of . here. But there is also crushing FOG. I am

seeing the therapist on Wed and am hoping that she will be able to give me some

coping techniques, some clarity. Because I just feel like... like I am

emotionally crippled??? I have no idea what to do or say or how to act. Plus

our garage is filled with her stuff, and I don't know how or when she will show

up to get it, and where it will go. Mainly I am worried about the

confrontation, guilt and drama when/if she does show up.

>

> To add to it my husband and I are going through fertility treatments (hmm... I

feel like there is a sisterhood of that on this list! ) and I am trying so

hard to be positive and healthy. I have the same fears of being a mother as the

others have mentioned here. I do feel like I've BEEN a mother to my own for so

long already... but it is like all of the crap and none of the positive aspects

of parenting. Basically being a powerless parent, one who feels inappropriately

tied to the outcome of every decision their victimized 'child' makes. Who feels

the pain, loneliness, and " never enough for ME " that their " child " feels, and

never the joy and gratitude for all of the blessings in their life. My husband

was so mad last night that he said if we did have a child he would not allow

nada to visit us. I can't believe we've come to this, and yet I can't believe

how bad and wrong things have been and for how long it has dragged on. So I

know it is GOOD that she is moved out, but I just don't really know how to pick

up my fragmented emotions and move forward now??

>

> *Star

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona and Annie, thank you soooo much for your kind and thoughtful (and

wise!!) replies. It means so much to me to read them and know someone

understands and cares the way you guys do here!!

I am going to a therapist tomorrow to talk about this, and what is great is

that she has met my mom a couple of times (alone, and once with me

there..) so she knows her and even knows 'us' and how we interacted in the

session

together. Nada quit going ... you know, because I forced her into it

anyway and she had zero ability to recognize her role in a single thing she was

complaining about to the T anyway.

I got 3 texts today from nada. I should add that I don't know where she

went. She has no bed? She may be staying with the poor guy that she called

to rescue her and who helped her move her stuff. He is in love with her

but she will never go for him. She said at one point recently she might

move in with an ex boyfriend, as a roommate. She thinks that boyfriend is

bipolar (it's her diagnosis du jour...) and has nothing but awful things to

say about him -- and when she moved out of his place the last time he had

given her an *eviction notice*! She was not paying rent to him but yet was

not 'with' him any more and had moved into another room, But yeah, moving

back in with him is a decision she was considering. Great idea, that sounds

fabulous! ARGHH! He is actually a nice guy though - a little self

destructive (he probably drinks too much) but not the painted black person she

makes him out to be. Oh and she has a loser boyfriend who lives in another

state that she talks to every night. Before he moved out of state he was a

horrible person, I mean just horrible! Their break up sent her into a

terrible downward spiral (of course, it was a change in her life - plus she had

to move after that as well... doubly hard for her). But now he's this

loving misunderstood guy?! What he really is in my opinion is basically a male

waif victim. I can't stand their 'relationship'.

Anyway so the texts today ... first one stated she loved me very much, then

said she had 'managed to do a hernia bulge' - she had a hernia operation

when she was young, and it has been this point of drama whenever necessary

ever since. " Oh, waif is me, I can't lift that... I have a hernia! " Then

finished up stating she wasn't sure but she might come over and pick up some

stuff around 5:30. The 2nd text was to notify me that a huge tornado

was descending upon the town where her out of state boyfriend lives. Lots of

caps and exclamation points. The 3rd text said " I didn't come as I am

running a fever. xox " .

I feel like she is trying to test the waters and be manipulative ... get my

sympathy by saying she loves me, then guilt me ... " I am injured and sick

because of what has been forced upon me " . I realized getting the texts

that I am totally ill equipped to handle her at this point and need to not

talk to her if possible, at least until I get some face time with the T. I

just go BLANK when I think about it all. My husband tried a little role

playing like what would I do if she said X and I just literally went BLANK. He

thinks it is because I am so conditioned not to upset her that I no longer

even have the words show up in my head. My filter is SO STRONG that they

just are not accessible. That is messed up.

So anyway - probably facing a lot of therapy here. ha! thanks for

listening and the really kind and wise words. You guys are great!!

*star

[Guest guest]

" I feel like she is trying to test the waters and be manipulative ... get my

sympathy by saying she loves me, then guilt me. "

I agree with you, Star. I think she's like a child who deliberately broke

something s/he knows was special to you and is peeking back in to see if you're

still mad.

Honestly, your mom just sounds like she needs much more help than you can offer.

If you do offer her more help, it will be at the sacrifice of your marriage and

your sanity. Neither is worth trying to help someone who needs to help herself.

There are a number of excellent books on borderline mothers on Amazon; Walking

on Eggshells, Understanding Your Borderline Mother, etc. Treat this like you're

doing research for living with a disabled person, because that's what she is.

btw, I love that your husband role played with you! that's excellent!! Good

luck with the therapist.

Hugs,

Fiona

>

> Fiona and Annie, thank you soooo much for your kind and thoughtful (and

> wise!!) replies. It means so much to me to read them and know someone

> understands and cares the way you guys do here!!

>

> I am going to a therapist tomorrow to talk about this, and what is great is

> that she has met my mom a couple of times (alone, and once with me

> there..) so she knows her and even knows 'us' and how we interacted in the

session

> together. Nada quit going ... you know, because I forced her into it

> anyway and she had zero ability to recognize her role in a single thing she

was

> complaining about to the T anyway.

>

> I got 3 texts today from nada. I should add that I don't know where she

> went. She has no bed? She may be staying with the poor guy that she called

> to rescue her and who helped her move her stuff. He is in love with her

> but she will never go for him. She said at one point recently she might

> move in with an ex boyfriend, as a roommate. She thinks that boyfriend is

> bipolar (it's her diagnosis du jour...) and has nothing but awful things to

> say about him -- and when she moved out of his place the last time he had

> given her an *eviction notice*! She was not paying rent to him but yet was

> not 'with' him any more and had moved into another room, But yeah, moving

> back in with him is a decision she was considering. Great idea, that sounds

> fabulous! ARGHH! He is actually a nice guy though - a little self

> destructive (he probably drinks too much) but not the painted black person

she

> makes him out to be. Oh and she has a loser boyfriend who lives in another

> state that she talks to every night. Before he moved out of state he was a

> horrible person, I mean just horrible! Their break up sent her into a

> terrible downward spiral (of course, it was a change in her life - plus she

had

> to move after that as well... doubly hard for her). But now he's this

> loving misunderstood guy?! What he really is in my opinion is basically a

male

> waif victim. I can't stand their 'relationship'.

>

> Anyway so the texts today ... first one stated she loved me very much, then

> said she had 'managed to do a hernia bulge' - she had a hernia operation

> when she was young, and it has been this point of drama whenever necessary

> ever since. " Oh, waif is me, I can't lift that... I have a hernia! " Then

> finished up stating she wasn't sure but she might come over and pick up some

> stuff around 5:30. The 2nd text was to notify me that a huge tornado

> was descending upon the town where her out of state boyfriend lives. Lots of

> caps and exclamation points. The 3rd text said " I didn't come as I am

> running a fever. xox " .

>

> I feel like she is trying to test the waters and be manipulative ... get my

> sympathy by saying she loves me, then guilt me ... " I am injured and sick

> because of what has been forced upon me " . I realized getting the texts

> that I am totally ill equipped to handle her at this point and need to not

> talk to her if possible, at least until I get some face time with the T. I

> just go BLANK when I think about it all. My husband tried a little role

> playing like what would I do if she said X and I just literally went BLANK.

He

> thinks it is because I am so conditioned not to upset her that I no longer

> even have the words show up in my head. My filter is SO STRONG that they

> just are not accessible. That is messed up.

>

> So anyway - probably facing a lot of therapy here. ha! thanks for

> listening and the really kind and wise words. You guys are great!!

>

> *star

>

>

>