NEW TO THE GROUP - Mom with traits of BP hurting my children - Help!

May 23, 2011

Hello Group,

I can't begin to tell you how relieving it is to have found this group, though

you probably already know that. I am a married 32 year old man with four

children under 10. I have been dealing with a mother with traits of BPD for as

long as I can remember. She has never participated fully in treatment, so no

diagnosis was ever formally made, but reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' was a

true validation. She is a high functioning bp - and can act normal in some

situations - but there is no doubt she has more than 5 characteristics for

diagnosis, and also suffers from NPD.

With my own time in therapy, I have learned to tune her out for the most part -

setting boundaries and preparing for the eventual time that the behavior would

adversely affect my children once they became old enough to notice. With that

said however, the children have now grown to where they are being affected by

her abnormal and minimally abusive behavior. My wife and I shield them as best

we can -- but the guilt eats at us so we do occasionally get together with her.

And we struggle to maintain watch 100% of the time she is with the children, so

she always seems to find a moment of weakness and do something insane, something

" BP " , with the children - to the point that they are adversely affected. My

eldest is in therapy for this reason as well. Therefore, we now believe it is

best to cut ties completely with her, unless she willingly participates in an

in-house program, DBT and/or some other type of treatment. Mostly to safeguard

the children, but also because we are fed up with her behavior and her, of

course, lack of desire to do anything about her BP traits, her NPD or her

percieved daily pain. Just discussing her causes strife in my otherwise nearly

stress-free marriage.

So group, please tell me: Have you cut off your parent with BP? Have you

withheld grandchildren? Have you placed ultimatums about getting treatment? I

want to say that I love my Mom, and want her to behave normally so we can be a

normal family --but the truth is that I have been burned for so many years so I

can't even say that anymore. I just want it to be over. Please share...please

tell me your experiences. I need your help...

May 23, 2011

Your kids come first, period. Do what you have to do - even if it is to live

with the " guilt. " And if your child is in therapy because of her, it seems to me

that her behaviors are likely more than " minimally " abusive - whatever she did,

your kid was really upset by it and that's really scary.

I am LC with my mother - which is easier for me than others perhaps because she

lives far away (as does my NPD father) so we only have to deal with visits every

couple of years. Even so, when she is here our child will not stay with her

alone (this will likely cause the next blowup) and, should the worst happen and

she fly into a rage, we have an escape/evacuation plan to get the baby OUT of

earshot and AWAY from crazy and then get her OUT of our space. I drive

everywhere and I have no qualms about ditching her ass on the side of the road

if she starts up in the car and if she won't get out, then I will get out with

my kid (that's what cell phones are for, right?). And, my husband and I have

agreed that should she EVER lose her temper or do any of the other crazy things

she has done in the past, that she will no longer be welcome in our home (and

visits to her home with the children would also be off the table).

I hate her rages, they terrify me, and I dread them. But, my kid is counting on

me - I have to be brave, put my big girl panties on, and deal with it. She

really presses the babysitting boundary and I know that at some point, she's

going to go all Krakatoa on me - but I want to be the one to deal with it, not

my child.

I do, on some level, feel a tiny, tiny, miniscule little bit sorry for her

because I know that the pain she feels, even though mostly self-inflicted, is

still pain. However, when I think about my baby and that beautiful, joyful,

trusting spirit, I know I will find the strength to do what is necessary to

protect and nurture my child - and I forget all about her pain.

If you just want it to be over, think what you would do if this was a stranger.

If it was a stranger, you wouldn't give an explanation, or write a letter, or

even give it a moment's thought. If a stranger did something that was so

upsetting to your child that you took them to therapy, you would just cut them

off (and probably call the police) and never look back. I know, this is easier

said than done, but maybe thinking about it that way will give you some peace of

mind about whatever you do decide to do?

As for treatment/ultimatums/etc. IMHO, it won't work. That's the nature of the

beast. My mother has said she'd go to therapy many times - and she never goes,

or she goes for one or two sessions with some group health counsellor and it

never changes. She's just like that, will always be like that, and now it's just

a question of damage control. My mother doesn't think she's the one with the

problem - it's all the rest of us for pissing her off.

(And sorry for the awkward wording - I avoid using gender pronouns regarding my

baby JIC she decides I'm the one with BPD and joins the group...)

>

> Hello Group,

>

> I can't begin to tell you how relieving it is to have found this group, though