Surviving the Interrogations

[Guest guest]

Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the room

because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner table. We

were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the night (and

probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us because of that

one moment.

This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing is, nada

gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely EVERYTHING someone is

talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and forth from person to

person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to the person she is

" talking " to. And God forbid you do not know the answer to one of her questions

or take a few seconds to think of an answer. There needs to be constant chatting

on the poor other person's end as nada continues her happy interrogation.

It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with these

" conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation, as there

is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard when I'm

talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say to entertain

nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when there is not the

answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage them? Escape

them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

[Guest guest]

I'm new to this group, just to forwarn you. I am not new to the " silent

treatment " however. My mother has been using this technique for years! I guess

she would be my nada (right?). I don't have much experience with interrogations,

but plenty with being ignored. My therapist instructed me to talk to my nada

when things were calm and basically set limits. Such as: When we have a

misunderstanding and you need to leave and cool off that's okay, just know I

will bring up the subject later to talk about it. Or just not play into the

" game " . Make it known that you will not tolerate the interrogations/punishment

of silent treatment anymore. Then stick to your guns.

>

> Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the room

because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner table. We

were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the night (and

probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us because of that

one moment.

>

> This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing is,

nada gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely EVERYTHING

someone is talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and forth from

person to person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to the

person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know the answer to one of

her questions or take a few seconds to think of an answer. There needs to be

constant chatting on the poor other person's end as nada continues her happy

interrogation.

>

> It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with these

" conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation, as there

is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard when I'm

talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say to entertain

nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when there is not the

answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

>

> Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage them?

Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

I used to haaaaate that when I lived with my parents. My father hardly listened

to what we were saying, but my mother had to know EVERYthing.

Also, if she saw me writing in my journal, she'd say, " I'm dying to know what

you're writing. God only knows. "

It's really sick. It's awful, because (I don't know how old you are) when you

start working or dealing with people in authority, you get the sweats when your

boss asks you a simple question (this is how I was). I was always afraid

something bad would happen if a boss even looked at me.

Yes, my mother was like that. It's sad that they don't WANT a life of their own

enough and have to leech off of others.

My advice? Educate yourself, read up on bpd, if that's what your mother has, and

if you are like I was -- kind of afraid of her and others in authority, consider

taking boxing class or assertiveness training.

Oh, and move out! It sucks living with an interrogator.

Therapy, too, BIG time good stuff, worth every penny.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Maybe I'm getting confused here, but I thought you said

previously that it was your father who had BPD and your mother

who was a sweet dishrag? That doesn't sound like what you're

describing here.

My way of dealing with behavior like this is to let the person

doing it storm off if that's what they want to do. Such behavior

is generally designed to cause drama. Ignoring it and not

adding to the drama takes the fun out of it for them. Questions

of that sort I deal with by not answering them. " Let's not talk

about that now " , or " that's not a good subject for the dinner

table " are good responses to start with. She won't like them and

you might have to give increasingly strong non-answers to her

questions, but you have a right not to have to answer

interogations of that sort. If she chooses to act like her world

is ending, let it be her problem, not yours.

Reemember, the only way to " win " the game with a nada or fada is

not to play it at all. If you let yourself be drawn into their

games, you will lose.

At 01:02 AM 05/25/2011 newlife9871 wrote:

>Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out

>of the room because there was a thirty second silence (no

>kidding) at the dinner table. We were being " too quiet " and

>that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the night (and probably

>for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us because

>of that one moment.

>

>This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated

>incident. Thing is, nada gets upset when she doesn't know the

>details of absolutely EVERYTHING someone is talking to her

>about. Conversations do not go back and forth from person to

>person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to

>the person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know

>the answer to one of her questions or take a few seconds to

>think of an answer. There needs to be constant chatting on the

>poor other person's end as nada continues her happy

>interrogation.

>

>It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal

>with these " conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull

>in a conversation, as there is with any normal human being, but

>now I just always feel on guard when I'm talking, like I can't

>stop for fear of running out of things to say to entertain

>nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when

>there is not the answer SHE wants, it's like her world has

>ended.

>

>Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you

>manage them? Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I hate " conversations " with my fada. It was the same thing--he would

interrogate me, but he thought it was a conversation. And if I didn't have

any good answers, he would " talk to me " (which, in the normal world would be

like a lecture in which I should listen and nod like a damn yes-man). And

then when he was satisfied (usually when I start crying at the end of these

lectures because they were criticisms in disguise, or when I finally

" agreed " that he was right and I was wrong.) the conversation was over.

I'm now NC with my family, so I don't have to worry about it anymore, but

then again, I also pushed it out of my mind so effectively I basically have

brainwashed myself.

But at the time, what I would do is say what fada wanted to hear, and then

go on and do my own thing anyway. During the lectures, I would put up an

imaginary wall, or if you're familiar with the Harry Potter books, I

imagined my own Patronus in between fada and me, and I would disassociate

for a little while, engaged with the world just enough to be a yes-man.

He could lecture me for an half an hour or an hour without stopping. And it

got to the point where it almost seemed like he lectured until I cried, and

then it was over. Every single effing time--until I cried. And oh, lecture

is an easy word for it...it really is like a berating session. And then

afterwards, he would say, he was only trying to have a conversation with me,

I don't need to cry all the time.

Okay, I need to go and practice my safe place now. (I'm working on EMDR in

counseling, and she said to practice going to my safe place.)

>

>

> Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the room

> because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner table.

> We were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the

> night (and probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us

> because of that one moment.

>

> This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing is,

> nada gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely EVERYTHING

> someone is talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and forth from

> person to person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to the

> person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know the answer to one

> of her questions or take a few seconds to think of an answer. There needs to

> be constant chatting on the poor other person's end as nada continues her

> happy interrogation.

>

> It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with these

> " conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation, as

> there is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard

> when I'm talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say

> to entertain nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when

> there is not the answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

>

> Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage them?

> Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I grew up with this kind of " interaction " with my nada. Her form of

communicating with me for the most part took two forms: the monologue, and the

interrogation.

Her interrogations traumatized me severely because my nada's interrogations were

so often done to me when she thought I'd done something wrong. Her

interrogations were hostile, and usually ratcheted up in intensity and anger and

culminated in a rage and physical abuse for me. (I was often accused of saying

or doing something bad that I hadn't said or done.)

When I was still in contact with nada, my attempts at conversations with her

tended to fall into either of these two grooves. Even if I'd phone her, she'd

launch into a monologue and sometimes never even would ask why I'd called, and

then other times we'd speak on the phone I'd be interrogated.

One reason I had to go No Contact with my nada was that over the last few years,

just hearing her voice on the phone began to result in a nasty " Meniere's

Disease " like attack afterward, (sudden severe headache, vertigo (room seemed to

be spinning), nausea/vomiting, then crashing asleep for 12 hours.) Her voice

literally made me sick.

So, anyway, yes, I can empathize with the " interrogations " you undergo.

I don't know any way to deal with them other than going No Contact, myself.

-Annie

>

> Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the room

because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner table. We

were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the night (and

probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us because of that

one moment.

>

> This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing is,

nada gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely EVERYTHING

someone is talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and forth from

person to person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to the

person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know the answer to one of

her questions or take a few seconds to think of an answer. There needs to be

constant chatting on the poor other person's end as nada continues her happy

interrogation.

>

> It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with these

" conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation, as there

is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard when I'm

talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say to entertain

nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when there is not the

answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

>

> Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage them?

Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

That sounds on the surface like good advice, but the reality is that there is no

way to " make " someone speak to you if they don't want to. (Short of holding a

gun to their head, I suppose, or threats of water-boarding them. Or drugging

them.)

How do you " stick to your guns " when the other person is completely ignoring you

and blocking all communication with you? You can speak to them, but you can't

force them to respond.

I'd be interested to know what your therapist says about that.

You can of course take action/set boundaries when someone is yelling at you or

calling you ugly names, physically intimidating you, etc; you can choose to walk

away from them or call the police or give other consequences for active

mistreatment, but, there is no consequence you can give to someone who is

choosing to go No Contact with you. " No Contact " means " end of game. " There is

no way of " dealing with it. "

If there is, I'd like to know about it in case I need to use it!

-Annie

> >

> > Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the room

because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner table. We

were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the night (and

probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us because of that

one moment.

> >

> > This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing is,

nada gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely EVERYTHING

someone is talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and forth from

person to person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to the

person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know the answer to one of

her questions or take a few seconds to think of an answer. There needs to be

constant chatting on the poor other person's end as nada continues her happy

interrogation.

> >

> > It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with these

" conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation, as there

is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard when I'm

talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say to entertain

nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when there is not the

answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

> >

> > Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage them?

Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much for all the replies.

The hardest part is that there was NEVER a single apology said in my home. No

matter what it was, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or minor accidents,

everything just went back to normal the next day or after a silent treatment.

It's going to be so hard to get out into the " real world " when I leave this

place and figure out what is normal and what is not. Sometimes I feel like I

apologize too much to other people just to compensate for the lack of apologies

at home.

And that is the scariest part - - coming to terms with what is truly a product

of my family and what is " normal " human behavior...that I now need to

reconstruct my own sense of reality after growing up in another world. I guess

this interrogation thing is just one in a series of behaviors I will be coming

to terms with. A lifetime's work, I suppose.

> >

> > Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the room

because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner table. We

were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the night (and

probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us because of that

one moment.

> >

> > This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing is,

nada gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely EVERYTHING

someone is talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and forth from

person to person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to the

person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know the answer to one of

her questions or take a few seconds to think of an answer. There needs to be

constant chatting on the poor other person's end as nada continues her happy

interrogation.

> >

> > It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with these

" conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation, as there

is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard when I'm

talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say to entertain

nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when there is not the

answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

> >

> > Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage them?

Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

again, it sounds so familiar! My fada never apologized. We apologized to him

and to my mom, but he never apologized.

I'm glad you're realizing what's normal behavior and what isn't I'm

working on that, still. And you will do great. ((hugs))

>

>

> Thanks so much for all the replies.

>

> The hardest part is that there was NEVER a single apology said in my home.

> No matter what it was, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or minor accidents,

> everything just went back to normal the next day or after a silent

> treatment. It's going to be so hard to get out into the " real world " when I

> leave this place and figure out what is normal and what is not. Sometimes I

> feel like I apologize too much to other people just to compensate for the

> lack of apologies at home.

>

> And that is the scariest part - - coming to terms with what is truly a

> product of my family and what is " normal " human behavior...that I now need

> to reconstruct my own sense of reality after growing up in another world. I

> guess this interrogation thing is just one in a series of behaviors I will

> be coming to terms with. A lifetime's work, I suppose.

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the

> room because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner

> table. We were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of

> the night (and probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at

> us because of that one moment.

> > >

> > > This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing

> is, nada gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely

> EVERYTHING someone is talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and

> forth from person to person, instead they are her asking a series of

> questions to the person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know

> the answer to one of her questions or take a few seconds to think of an

> answer. There needs to be constant chatting on the poor other person's end

> as nada continues her happy interrogation.

> > >

> > > It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with

> these " conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation,

> as there is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard

> when I'm talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say

> to entertain nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when

> there is not the answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

> > >

> > > Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage

> them? Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The utter lack of apologies is one thing that used to make me

really angry with my nada. She never apologizes for anything

because she's never wrong about anything. Since she's not wrong,

she has nothing to apologize for. At some point I realized that

she was simply incapable of the feelings that would lead to an

apologies and stopped expecting them. That makes it a lot easier

to avoid getting really upset about it. I don't expect good

behavior from her, so I don't have to feel lots of

disappointment when I don't get it.

You might be right about apologizing too much as compensation

for the lack at home. When you know how much it hurts not to get

an apology, it is easy to over-react by apologizing excessively.

I recommend thinking about whether you actually caused harm or

hurt feelings by something you did. If so, then apologizing is

appropriate if you regret doing so. If people seem uncomfortable

with your apologies, you probably need to do less apologizing.

Sometimes the problem with apologies is that they're excessive

and make the other person feel embarrassed by the amount of

attention being devoted to the subject. Often, all you need is a

simple " I'm sorry " before continuing on to talk about or do

other things.

At 11:45 AM 05/25/2011 newlife9871 wrote:

>Thanks so much for all the replies.

>

>The hardest part is that there was NEVER a single apology said

>in my home. No matter what it was, emotional abuse, physical

>abuse, or minor accidents, everything just went back to normal

>the next day or after a silent treatment. It's going to be so

>hard to get out into the " real world " when I leave this place

>and figure out what is normal and what is not. Sometimes I feel

>like I apologize too much to other people just to compensate

>for the lack of apologies at home.

>

>And that is the scariest part - - coming to terms with what is

>truly a product of my family and what is " normal " human

>behavior...that I now need to reconstruct my own sense of

>reality after growing up in another world. I guess this

>interrogation thing is just one in a series of behaviors I will

>be coming to terms with. A lifetime's work, I suppose.

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

RE apologies:

My Sister and I had to deal with two scoops of crazy, traumatizing behavior from

our nada.

One was that having bpd could make our nada trigger instantly into an explosive

rage, and the other was that our nada also did " the cycle of domestic abuse "

behavior with us. The cycle of domestic violence or abuse is almost exclusively

discussed in relation to a married couple, with the husband as the perp, but I

and my Sister can attest that mothers do it to their kids as well.

The cycle goes like this: the perp spouse will gradually build up suspicion,

resentment, and irritability toward their non-pd spouse, then have an explosive,

volcanic rage and may beat the crap out of their loved one, then the perp will

be contrite and remorseful, will promise to not do that again, and then a

" honeymoon " period will ensue. But then, the gradual buildup of irritability,

suspicion, resentment will begin again. This cycle repeats over, and over, and

over again.

Sometimes after a rage-tantrum, my nada would blubber and cry and beg for

forgiveness, and Sister and/or I were supposed to go to her and comfort *her*

and reassure *her*. Never mind that her small children were scared to death of

her, still hurting, still in shock, bewildered and holding back our own tears

and anger... it was all about nada and *her* feelings.

Other times after a rage-tantrum, nada would act like nothing at all had just

happened and she might even be all perky and cheerful, leaving me or Sister on

the floor, shaking, traumatized, in pain, feeling like we'd just been hit by a

truck and knocked into the Twilight Zone, because her behavior was so terrifying

and then so unreal.

So Sister and I learned that our nada's apologies and promises meant nothing.

Nothing at all.

And we learned that if we didn't properly forgive and comfort nada, if we were

too scared and crying, we could trigger her into yet another rage right then and

there. Nada would forget all her earlier promises whenever she'd be triggered

into another rage at us.

Clearly my nada was too severely mentally ill to have been allowed to care for

children. I wish my Sister and I could have been rescued. I wish that all such

children in the care of severely mentally ill parents could be rescued.

-Annie

> >Thanks so much for all the replies.

> >

> >The hardest part is that there was NEVER a single apology said

> >in my home. No matter what it was, emotional abuse, physical

> >abuse, or minor accidents, everything just went back to normal

> >the next day or after a silent treatment. It's going to be so

> >hard to get out into the " real world " when I leave this place

> >and figure out what is normal and what is not. Sometimes I feel

> >like I apologize too much to other people just to compensate

> >for the lack of apologies at home.

> >

> >And that is the scariest part - - coming to terms with what is

> >truly a product of my family and what is " normal " human

> >behavior...that I now need to reconstruct my own sense of

> >reality after growing up in another world. I guess this

> >interrogation thing is just one in a series of behaviors I will

> >be coming to terms with. A lifetime's work, I suppose.

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Yep, me too. Just had a 'conversation' this weekend that ended in a huge fight.

Yesterday I was told that I had no right to be angry at anyone involved.

My brother-in-law told her a bunch of exaggerated crap that she ate as Gospel

truth and then waited like a coiled snake for me to come home so she could

confront me about it.

Flying monkey attack? You bet. And afterwards I laid there like the scarecrow

with no straw left. I'm just now coming out of my catatonia.

Yesterday, my T said, " Rough weekend? " How'd she guess.

Why didn't it ever cross her mind to stick up for me? Plus, my brother-in-law

knows how hard I try to keep the peace, and he gave her a loaded gun,

metaphorically, and painted a target on my forehead.

I am going LC with nada for the time being, and am currently NC with my in-laws

at the peril of my relationship with my sister. However, I can't live like this.

> >

> > Tonight at dinner my nada threw her plate down and stormed out of the room

because there was a thirty second silence (no kidding) at the dinner table. We

were being " too quiet " and that just wasn't okay. For the rest of the night (and

probably for most of tomorrow it'll continue) nada was mad at us because of that

one moment.

> >

> > This wouldn't bother me as much if it were an isolated incident. Thing is,

nada gets upset when she doesn't know the details of absolutely EVERYTHING

someone is talking to her about. Conversations do not go back and forth from

person to person, instead they are her asking a series of questions to the

person she is " talking " to. And God forbid you do not know the answer to one of

her questions or take a few seconds to think of an answer. There needs to be

constant chatting on the poor other person's end as nada continues her happy

interrogation.

> >

> > It's just getting to be too much and I don't know how to deal with these

" conversations " anymore. Sometimes there is a lull in a conversation, as there

is with any normal human being, but now I just always feel on guard when I'm

talking, like I can't stop for fear of running out of things to say to entertain

nada. She asks questions that are way too invasive and when there is not the

answer SHE wants, it's like her world has ended.

> >

> > Has anyone else dealt with these interrogations? How do you manage them?

Escape them? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> She never apologizes for anything

> because she's never wrong about anything.

>

Even worse, when I would apologize to my nada, she would not forgive me. She

never forgave and she never forgot, and one never could anticipate what the next

" offense " one might commit would be.

[Guest guest]

My nada called me over last Fall under the guise of having 'tea and a chat'

about how to deliver the college savings fund she had set aside for my kids'

education costs.

Once I got there she acted like Orson Wells from Citizen Kane, throwing her cane

around and demanding I 'prove' to her the mutual funds I have in the kids' names

are appropriate funds for her to put $ into.

I was so pissed off I had a red sheen over my eyesight. I am 47 years old,

almost no debt, & I have never lived beyond my means. I have money tucked away

for a rainy day. I haven't accepted money from her (even a loan) since I was 20

years old. The disrespectful way she treated me that day was outrageous, like I

was an irresponsible child. Just another thing I can't forgive her for.

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Those attacks may well have been migraines. I was diagnosed with them late last

year after suffering weird symptoms - those! I didn't twig them as migraines

because they were pretty much non-stop so I ended up going on preventative

medicine. Anyway, I'll bet that's what you were getting, migraines triggered by

stress.

> I grew up with this kind of " interaction " with my nada. Her form of

communicating with me for the most part took two forms: the monologue, and the

interrogation.

>

> Her interrogations traumatized me severely because my nada's interrogations

were so often done to me when she thought I'd done something wrong. Her

interrogations were hostile, and usually ratcheted up in intensity and anger and

culminated in a rage and physical abuse for me. (I was often accused of saying

or doing something bad that I hadn't said or done.)

>

> When I was still in contact with nada, my attempts at conversations with her

tended to fall into either of these two grooves. Even if I'd phone her, she'd

launch into a monologue and sometimes never even would ask why I'd called, and

then other times we'd speak on the phone I'd be interrogated.

>

> One reason I had to go No Contact with my nada was that over the last few

years, just hearing her voice on the phone began to result in a nasty " Meniere's

Disease " like attack afterward, (sudden severe headache, vertigo (room seemed to

be spinning), nausea/vomiting, then crashing asleep for 12 hours.) Her voice

literally made me sick.

>

> So, anyway, yes, I can empathize with the " interrogations " you undergo.

>

> I don't know any way to deal with them other than going No Contact, myself.

[Guest guest]

Its possible. I've never gone in to get it diagnosed. Its encouraging to think

its some form of migraine because there are various drugs that can effectively

treat migraine, while there is nothing really that can cure Meniere's disease.

But meanwhile, I'm going to continue to stay away from my nada, since its pretty

clear that getting " ambushed " by her triggers these things.

-Annie

>

> > I grew up with this kind of " interaction " with my nada. Her form of

communicating with me for the most part took two forms: the monologue, and the

interrogation.

> >

> > Her interrogations traumatized me severely because my nada's interrogations

were so often done to me when she thought I'd done something wrong. Her

interrogations were hostile, and usually ratcheted up in intensity and anger and

culminated in a rage and physical abuse for me. (I was often accused of saying

or doing something bad that I hadn't said or done.)

> >

> > When I was still in contact with nada, my attempts at conversations with her

tended to fall into either of these two grooves. Even if I'd phone her, she'd

launch into a monologue and sometimes never even would ask why I'd called, and

then other times we'd speak on the phone I'd be interrogated.

> >

> > One reason I had to go No Contact with my nada was that over the last few

years, just hearing her voice on the phone began to result in a nasty " Meniere's

Disease " like attack afterward, (sudden severe headache, vertigo (room seemed to

be spinning), nausea/vomiting, then crashing asleep for 12 hours.) Her voice

literally made me sick.

> >

> > So, anyway, yes, I can empathize with the " interrogations " you undergo.

> >

> > I don't know any way to deal with them other than going No Contact, myself.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

For what it's worth, I have atypical basilar migraines that developed in my

teen years and was absolutely horrible. I didn't have too much in the way of

headaches, but I would get very dizzy and unsteady, that I would have to lie

down and sleep it off. It took a while to diagnose it as a migraine because

it wasn't the typical blinding headache thing--but I had sensitivity to

light, an aura, and of course, whenever Dad raised his voice, it would

worsen it.

When I moved out, I rarely have migraines anymore.

Also, I'm taking a preventative, Elavil (it is remarkably effective at

preventing my migraines, thank God, though it's actually an anti-depressant)

and an abortive, Axert. Axert knocks me out and makes me dream crazy dreams,

but when I wake up, I feel so much better.

So...I do second it, it sounds like a migraine. Maybe talk with a doctor

about some preventative medications? I'd still steer clear of your nada, but

at least it might lessen the attacks after any rare phone calls...

When you get dizzy, does the room spin, or does it just seem very unsteady

and wobbly with just a little bit of a spin? One doctor told me that

straight up spinning is more likely Meniere's disease, but what I had was

more of a blinding drunkard's wobbly world. I would seriously act like I was

intoxicated....

On Thu, May 26, 2011 at 12:47 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Its possible. I've never gone in to get it diagnosed. Its encouraging to

> think its some form of migraine because there are various drugs that can

> effectively treat migraine, while there is nothing really that can cure

> Meniere's disease.

>

> But meanwhile, I'm going to continue to stay away from my nada, since its

> pretty clear that getting " ambushed " by her triggers these things.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > > I grew up with this kind of " interaction " with my nada. Her form of

> communicating with me for the most part took two forms: the monologue, and

> the interrogation.

> > >

> > > Her interrogations traumatized me severely because my nada's

> interrogations were so often done to me when she thought I'd done something

> wrong. Her interrogations were hostile, and usually ratcheted up in

> intensity and anger and culminated in a rage and physical abuse for me. (I

> was often accused of saying or doing something bad that I hadn't said or

> done.)

> > >

> > > When I was still in contact with nada, my attempts at conversations

> with her tended to fall into either of these two grooves. Even if I'd phone

> her, she'd launch into a monologue and sometimes never even would ask why

> I'd called, and then other times we'd speak on the phone I'd be

> interrogated.

> > >

> > > One reason I had to go No Contact with my nada was that over the last

> few years, just hearing her voice on the phone began to result in a nasty

> " Meniere's Disease " like attack afterward, (sudden severe headache, vertigo

> (room seemed to be spinning), nausea/vomiting, then crashing asleep for 12

> hours.) Her voice literally made me sick.

> > >

> > > So, anyway, yes, I can empathize with the " interrogations " you undergo.

> > >

> > > I don't know any way to deal with them other than going No Contact,

> myself.

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

With me, its " straight up spinning " : I'm sitting perfectly still in a chair and

the room is spinning around me. And I have mild tinnitus anyway. The other

symptom that I forgot to mention is a feeling like my ears are filling up with

water along with the very loud tinnitus ( " ringing " in the ears noise).

But, I only get these things if I'm *extremely* stressed, and I've arranged my

lifestyle and my working situation so that I am rarely stressed, any longer.

Its a great thing that I was able to do this, so if I can just avoid contact

with nada I think I'll be home free.

If I find that the attacks begin to happen for no particular reason, then, I'll

have to go see about it and at least get them diagnosed, I suppose.

I think that once I lost my ability to just " zone out " or partly dissociate when

having contact with my nada, and I was actually feeling my feelings in real

time, that's when this started.

-Annie

> > >

> > > > I grew up with this kind of " interaction " with my nada. Her form of

> > communicating with me for the most part took two forms: the monologue, and

> > the interrogation.

> > > >

> > > > Her interrogations traumatized me severely because my nada's

> > interrogations were so often done to me when she thought I'd done something

> > wrong. Her interrogations were hostile, and usually ratcheted up in

> > intensity and anger and culminated in a rage and physical abuse for me. (I

> > was often accused of saying or doing something bad that I hadn't said or

> > done.)

> > > >

> > > > When I was still in contact with nada, my attempts at conversations

> > with her tended to fall into either of these two grooves. Even if I'd phone

> > her, she'd launch into a monologue and sometimes never even would ask why

> > I'd called, and then other times we'd speak on the phone I'd be

> > interrogated.

> > > >

> > > > One reason I had to go No Contact with my nada was that over the last

> > few years, just hearing her voice on the phone began to result in a nasty

> > " Meniere's Disease " like attack afterward, (sudden severe headache, vertigo

> > (room seemed to be spinning), nausea/vomiting, then crashing asleep for 12

> > hours.) Her voice literally made me sick.

> > > >

> > > > So, anyway, yes, I can empathize with the " interrogations " you undergo.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know any way to deal with them other than going No Contact,

> > myself.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

The ears could be a migraine symptom, too. I feel my sinus is filling on one

side - apparently many people who believe they have sinus headaches are actually

having migraines.

We haven't really been able to figure out the triggers, other than blue cheese

(bummer) and sometimes stress, but I was still getting daily headaches, hence

the preventative, which in my case is a low dose of an anti-seizure drug.

Like you, my nada interactions aren't much these days, not because I don't see

her, but because she's in a nursing home and senile, and when I do visit she

exhibits no borderline behavior anymore. Her behavior is very childlike.

At this point, the stress of visiting her stems from the seeing her in this

state, because no human being should have to lose their mind this way. It's

horrible and the visits tend to leave me drained for a few days. I don't go but

once every two weeks or so - it's not as if she's alone and uncared for, and I

see no point in making myself miserable.

I do wonder sometimes, though, if I also suffer the visit after-affects because

my subconscious mind is busy dredging up the past when I am there. Something to

think about.

Em

> With me, its " straight up spinning " : I'm sitting perfectly still in a chair

and the room is spinning around me. And I have mild tinnitus anyway. The other

symptom that I forgot to mention is a feeling like my ears are filling up with

water along with the very loud tinnitus ( " ringing " in the ears noise).

>

> But, I only get these things if I'm *extremely* stressed, and I've arranged my

lifestyle and my working situation so that I am rarely stressed, any longer. Its

a great thing that I was able to do this, so if I can just avoid contact with

nada I think I'll be home free.

>

> If I find that the attacks begin to happen for no particular reason, then,

I'll have to go see about it and at least get them diagnosed, I suppose.

>

> I think that once I lost my ability to just " zone out " or partly dissociate

when having contact with my nada, and I was actually feeling my feelings in real

time, that's when this started.

>

> -Annie

[Guest guest]

Annie, do you think it could be your blood pressure spiking severely due to

stress when you deal with your nada? I've had the same problem that the more I

feel, the less I repress the harder it is becoming to interact with my nada. I

occasionally get mild dissociative effects - feel like I'm starting to

disconnect from my body. I have to mentally drag myself back down into my feet.

Eliza

>

> > With me, its " straight up spinning " : I'm sitting perfectly still in a chair

and the room is spinning around me. And I have mild tinnitus anyway. The other

symptom that I forgot to mention is a feeling like my ears are filling up with

water along with the very loud tinnitus ( " ringing " in the ears noise).

> >

> > But, I only get these things if I'm *extremely* stressed, and I've arranged

my lifestyle and my working situation so that I am rarely stressed, any longer.

Its a great thing that I was able to do this, so if I can just avoid contact

with nada I think I'll be home free.

> >

> > If I find that the attacks begin to happen for no particular reason, then,

I'll have to go see about it and at least get them diagnosed, I suppose.

> >

> > I think that once I lost my ability to just " zone out " or partly dissociate

when having contact with my nada, and I was actually feeling my feelings in real

time, that's when this started.

> >

> > -Annie

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, every time I've had a bad physical reaction its been due to sudden, extreme

stress, which I believe involves a spike in blood pressure.

As a kid if I'd get very stressed at school due to a test, or due to something

else like bullying, I'd become nauseous and vomit

I was trying to make a delivery once in my car, trying to find an unfamiliar

place under time pressure, and my vision literally started tunneling in to a

pinpoint from stress (weird!)

Twice now, when I've been involved in some way with a public event (one a

convention lecture/demo, one a public reading) and something went wrong during

set-up, I got a bad nosebleed (but was able to get cleaned up and do the

presentation anyway.)

At a job I used to have I wound up with a new boss who seemed to have it in for

me, and I think my anxiety gave me what must have been my first real migraine.

I literally wanted to die, it hurt so bad.

And now, if I get " ambushed " by my nada, then the sudden loud ringing in

ears/ " ears full of water " sensation/headache/room spinning/vomiting/crashing

into sleep thing happens shortly after (Menieres?) That has happened twice now,

after having to speak with nada on the phone when I didn't want to, so... Yes:

I'm willing to bet that a spike in blood pressure due to stress, frustration,

fear or anger is involved with my physical symptoms.

-Annie

> >

> > > With me, its " straight up spinning " : I'm sitting perfectly still in a

chair and the room is spinning around me. And I have mild tinnitus anyway. The

other symptom that I forgot to mention is a feeling like my ears are filling up

with water along with the very loud tinnitus ( " ringing " in the ears noise).

> > >

> > > But, I only get these things if I'm *extremely* stressed, and I've

arranged my lifestyle and my working situation so that I am rarely stressed, any

longer. Its a great thing that I was able to do this, so if I can just avoid

contact with nada I think I'll be home free.

> > >

> > > If I find that the attacks begin to happen for no particular reason, then,

I'll have to go see about it and at least get them diagnosed, I suppose.

> > >

> > > I think that once I lost my ability to just " zone out " or partly

dissociate when having contact with my nada, and I was actually feeling my

feelings in real time, that's when this started.

> > >

> > > -Annie

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I find it lowering and frustrating to have such terrible physical

reactions--nothing like taking a stand with nada and then having to run to the

bathroom. Or like on my trip to Hell last year--fight with nada at 4 am, cross

country flight at 9 am, and by 5 pm I am down with a major migraine (small

wonder).

I've had migraines since I was a teen, and there are a few naural things that I

have found that help abate the symptoms naturally. Maybe these will help with

the Meniere's symptoms, too, since you think it may be another stress based

reaction:

- aromatherapy (blue tansy esp, like found in 'Peace and Calming' by Young

Living), Jasmine tea (sniff deeply) - this doesn't usually do more than slow

down a well established migraine, but sometimes these work if caught early in

the migraine.

- there are some pressure points on the hands that can stop a headache. Mine is

characteristically on the pad of the thumb, base of thumb area. If you find a

sore point, press on it hard for a couple minutes, hit the same point on the

opposite hand and then lie down. This can often help end a headache within an

hour.

-Additionally, I have found a huge correlation with my headaches based on stress

reactions in my back--it's like once my middle back tightens up, the rest of my

back up through my neck becomes rigid. I think this puts too much pressure on

nerves feeding the brain and causes headaches. I have a killer massager that I

use full out on either side of my spine all the way up to the 2 round boney

areas at the base of the skull. Get those areas to loosen up and you have a

prayer of the headache going away.

-then there are the menstrual cycle migraines, and those sometimes respond to

Pamprin, but usually not and have to be slept off with my trusty hot water

bottle.

Good luck!

PS: Of all the symptoms you describe, I think everything fits migraine except

the nose bleed--you should probably ask your dr about that one.

> > >

> > > > With me, its " straight up spinning " : I'm sitting perfectly still in a

chair and the room is spinning around me. And I have mild tinnitus anyway. The

other symptom that I forgot to mention is a feeling like my ears are filling up

with water along with the very loud tinnitus ( " ringing " in the ears noise).

> > > >

> > > > But, I only get these things if I'm *extremely* stressed, and I've

arranged my lifestyle and my working situation so that I am rarely stressed, any

longer. Its a great thing that I was able to do this, so if I can just avoid

contact with nada I think I'll be home free.

> > > >

> > > > If I find that the attacks begin to happen for no particular reason,

then, I'll have to go see about it and at least get them diagnosed, I suppose.

> > > >

> > > > I think that once I lost my ability to just " zone out " or partly

dissociate when having contact with my nada, and I was actually feeling my

feelings in real time, that's when this started.

> > > >

> > > > -Annie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >