Another crisis with my BP Mom. But small progress though.

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

Thank you all for sharing your experience here, it is so helpful to me.

I had another huge fight with my BP Mom and my father a couple weeks ago. They

were supposed to visit us in the US, and this was a big first for my mother. She

had never been on a plane, and never did a big trip like this. I could tell whe

was both very excited about it and a nervous wreck about travelling. She became

more and more anxious, even predicting she would get sick.

She has big constipation problems that she has had for as long as I can

remember. She was very afraid of flying too. She has an eating disorder and is

used to be very much in control at my parents house.I think there were lots of

factors that made her very very nervous.

She became ill a week before and almost made a spectacle of it, as always,

wanting to show me how big her stomach was on the webcam etc. She was trying to

get emergency appointments left and right, it was crisis mode. She also

developped a spectacular but benign reaction on her eyes, where the white of the

eye was sort of peeling off apparently. The Dr figured it was an allergic

reaction to a plant. She was better a couple days later.

A problem occured when we talked about the non-smoking rule in our rental

appartment. It was the end of the world. My Mom seems to need a cigarette to go

to the bathroom, she has been doing this for years. She had my father -who never

calls me unless it is in service of my Mother- call me to make me change my

mind. She was all passive and saying " I don't want to create problems " in the

background. After debating this with my boyfriend, we agreed to let her smoke in

our place.

I called her the next day to tell her that she could smoke in our place, but

that if our landlord who lives dowstairs from us, was to find out, she'd have to

stop smoking or get a hotel room.

As soon as she picked up the phone, I could tell her mood had dramatically

changed. She had gone from being passive to screaming like a mad person at the

top of lungs, about how poluting the US are, and complaining about Mon Santo

(the huge company that sells GM seeds)etc. Totally insane. I couldn't talk to

her so I repeated our decision to my father, while my Mom was screaming in the

back.

A couple days before their planned arrival, my parents cancelled their trip

complaining about a lot of things, and putting the blame on me essentially. I

wasn't welcoming enough, I didn't treat them nicely, and my father kept

repeating that I had told my Mom they couldn't even open their suitcases in our

appartment, yelling at me it was rude to tell my parents that, how dare I speak

to them like that etc.

I never told anything like that to my Mom, I once appologized in advance for the

lack of closet space in our appartment, and she laughed and told me not to

worry.

Typical distortion of my words on my Mom's part. I tried telling my Dad I had

never said such a thing but he wouldn't listen. He was angry.

I hung up on my Dad, and flew in a rage. kicked doors and threw things against

the wall.

I am so sick and tired of it. I feel like I always lose with my Mom. And my Dad

is such a codependent, it seems like he would do anything to cover up for my

Mom. There is nothing wrong with my Mom, there has never been anything wrong

with her. " She just needs love " is the motto. F*** A.

For the first time in my life though, I took the time to write them a note,

where I told them how I felt. I said that I felt hurt and angry at them, a very

big thing for me. I think only my BP Mom was allowed to talk about how she felt

in this family.

I told them the way they treated felt mean and unfair.

I had to send a Mother's day card and Mother's day gifts (it's this week end in

France), so I wrote it down in the mother' day card.

I went through a really tough time afterwards (this happend 2 or 3 weeks ago)

where I was just so depressed. I had no motivation for anything. I cried a lot.

I want a break from all of this. This is so draining. I keep thinking it's gonna

get better, but I need to stop kidding myself. Only I can change how I deal with

them.

Coralie

[Guest guest]

I'm glad for you that you are accepting a more realistic view and developing

more realistic expections RE your mother's condition.

Her personality disorder apparently makes her irrational, paranoid and fearful

and yes: its impossible to have a rational conversation or a rational

relationship with an irrational person. (My nada becomes so stressed out and

fearful during vacation trips that she loses touch with reality. Every vacation

I've taken her on with me she's had some kind of breakdown, which presented as

hysterical crying due to paranoid delusions. After the third time this happened,

I said " no more. " Sister has told me that our nada does this with her also; for

whatever reason vacation trips trigger worse behavior with our nada.)

Bpd is a serious mental illness. It doesn't get better on its own. Its

considered untreatable by the psychiatric community, but the very, VERY few

diagnosed individuals who DO improve only do so after *years* of intensive

psychotherapy. We're talking three sessions a week of intense therapy, or even

residential care and daily psychotherapy. For years. And perhaps drug therapy

as well to treat any co-morbid conditions like depression or anxiety.

Those of us raised by personality-disordered parents have a very, very difficult

time understanding and accepting that our own mother and/or father is not just

" difficult " , not just " nervous " or " sensitive " , but is actually seriously

mentally ill, and that the ways they've always treated us were/are not good

parenting but were and are emotional abuse (and/or physical abuse and/or sexual

abuse, neglect, or exploitation.)

My own opinion is that we can only begin healing our own selves when we accept

the reality that this is true: My Mother/Father is severely mentally ill. I

didn't cause her to be this way, and nothing I can say or do will make her

better. I do not accept any guilt or responsibility for her disordered thinking

or feelings. My mother's mental disorder means that I can't expect her to

behave in a normal, reasonable, rational way; expecting her to behave like a

normal person will just hurt me over and over again. My Mother is the only

person with the power and ability to seek help for herself, I can be supportive

of her seeking help, but I am not trained or emotionally dispassionate enough to

participate in her healing.

I believe that when we can reach this point, which I like to think of as

" compassionate detachment " , we can start to heal ourselves and accept that our

parent will or will not heal, depending on her own volition and decisions.

-Annie

>

> Hello all,

>

> Thank you all for sharing your experience here, it is so helpful to me.

> I had another huge fight with my BP Mom and my father a couple weeks ago. They

were supposed to visit us in the US, and this was a big first for my mother. She

had never been on a plane, and never did a big trip like this. I could tell whe

was both very excited about it and a nervous wreck about travelling. She became

more and more anxious, even predicting she would get sick.

> She has big constipation problems that she has had for as long as I can

remember. She was very afraid of flying too. She has an eating disorder and is

used to be very much in control at my parents house.I think there were lots of

factors that made her very very nervous.

>

> She became ill a week before and almost made a spectacle of it, as always,

wanting to show me how big her stomach was on the webcam etc. She was trying to

get emergency appointments left and right, it was crisis mode. She also

developped a spectacular but benign reaction on her eyes, where the white of the

eye was sort of peeling off apparently. The Dr figured it was an allergic

reaction to a plant. She was better a couple days later.

>

> A problem occured when we talked about the non-smoking rule in our rental

appartment. It was the end of the world. My Mom seems to need a cigarette to go

to the bathroom, she has been doing this for years. She had my father -who never

calls me unless it is in service of my Mother- call me to make me change my

mind. She was all passive and saying " I don't want to create problems " in the

background. After debating this with my boyfriend, we agreed to let her smoke in

our place.

> I called her the next day to tell her that she could smoke in our place, but

that if our landlord who lives dowstairs from us, was to find out, she'd have to

stop smoking or get a hotel room.

> As soon as she picked up the phone, I could tell her mood had dramatically

changed. She had gone from being passive to screaming like a mad person at the

top of lungs, about how poluting the US are, and complaining about Mon Santo

(the huge company that sells GM seeds)etc. Totally insane. I couldn't talk to

her so I repeated our decision to my father, while my Mom was screaming in the

back.

>

> A couple days before their planned arrival, my parents cancelled their trip

complaining about a lot of things, and putting the blame on me essentially. I

wasn't welcoming enough, I didn't treat them nicely, and my father kept

repeating that I had told my Mom they couldn't even open their suitcases in our

appartment, yelling at me it was rude to tell my parents that, how dare I speak

to them like that etc.

> I never told anything like that to my Mom, I once appologized in advance for

the lack of closet space in our appartment, and she laughed and told me not to

worry.

> Typical distortion of my words on my Mom's part. I tried telling my Dad I had

never said such a thing but he wouldn't listen. He was angry.

>

> I hung up on my Dad, and flew in a rage. kicked doors and threw things against

the wall.

>

> I am so sick and tired of it. I feel like I always lose with my Mom. And my

Dad is such a codependent, it seems like he would do anything to cover up for my

Mom. There is nothing wrong with my Mom, there has never been anything wrong

with her. " She just needs love " is the motto. F*** A.

>

> For the first time in my life though, I took the time to write them a note,

where I told them how I felt. I said that I felt hurt and angry at them, a very

big thing for me. I think only my BP Mom was allowed to talk about how she felt

in this family.

> I told them the way they treated felt mean and unfair.

> I had to send a Mother's day card and Mother's day gifts (it's this week end

in France), so I wrote it down in the mother' day card.

>

> I went through a really tough time afterwards (this happend 2 or 3 weeks ago)

where I was just so depressed. I had no motivation for anything. I cried a lot.

> I want a break from all of this. This is so draining. I keep thinking it's

gonna get better, but I need to stop kidding myself. Only I can change how I

deal with them.

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

For as much bruhaha that this canceled trip has caused, it may have been a

godsend.

My sis and I took my BPD mother to Canada last summer to see her 1st

g-grandbaby. Nada acted weird the whole trip, complaining constantly, trying to

control every situation. She forgot some medication, then had my dad mail it

from the States, lying about the contents. Then she felt guilty and we had to

stop her from calling the US Consulate to tell on herself.

Every day she created drama, every day she warred with me or Sis and blamed it

on us. She expected to take care of the baby as if it was her own, then she

wouldn't go near her. The one time I left her alone with the baby (I was

vacuuming upstairs), I overheard her yelling " G-damnit Natasha! " (among other

things) at the baby for tossing toys out of her crib.

After days of uproar, she shit the bed. Then we had to listen to how she might

be developing cancer and how the 'altitude' made her sick. She acted waify with

my nephew, and pretended to enjoy the baby around him. When he was gone she

ignored the baby and tried to start arguments to pit us against each other.

It was great having Sis though: at night we climbed into bed in the very private

basement and shared with each other all the crazy shit nada did. We laughed to

tears every night with the things nada pulled!

[Guest guest]

Coralie,

I have so much sympathy for you! This sounds so much like what I recently went

through with my mother. You've been putting up with this BS for years and you

are ready to move on! Good for you! When I first started to realize what was

going on with my mother (the nature of her disorder) I started thinking " I can't

change her, I have to change myself, " which is where it sounds like you're at. I

convinced myself that by working on controlling my reactions to her, forgiving

her for her disorder, and doing loving meditations about her (picturing myself

bringing her roses, picturing myself sending kind, loving energy from my

heartspace to hers) that I could get through it. But you know what? I realized

that I don't actually get anything out of the relationship with her! All I get

is the satisfaction of knowing that I am a good person, that I am trying my

hardest, that I'm fulfilling my role as daughter. And those don't really mean

that much in the face of

constant criticism, rages, and her total self-absorption. Doing all this

emotional work on myself in order to have more peaceful interactions with my

mother, just didn't feel like it fit me. " Abandoning " my mother didn't fit

either, but being involved with this group has really helped me see that that

particular thought is a product of unhealthy guilt, not an actual truth!

Anyway, my point being, don't try to change yourself unless it's really worth

it. You know in your gut when things are right and wrong, and when things are

really worth the effort.

And if you do find good ways to change yourself without changing your inner

self.... please share!!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, May 25, 2011 12:19 PM

Subject: Another crisis with my BP Mom. But small progress

though.

 

Hello all,

Thank you all for sharing your experience here, it is so helpful to me.

I had another huge fight with my BP Mom and my father a couple weeks ago. They

were supposed to visit us in the US, and this was a big first for my mother. She

had never been on a plane, and never did a big trip like this. I could tell whe

was both very excited about it and a nervous wreck about travelling. She became

more and more anxious, even predicting she would get sick.

She has big constipation problems that she has had for as long as I can

remember. She was very afraid of flying too. She has an eating disorder and is

used to be very much in control at my parents house.I think there were lots of

factors that made her very very nervous.

She became ill a week before and almost made a spectacle of it, as always,

wanting to show me how big her stomach was on the webcam etc. She was trying to

get emergency appointments left and right, it was crisis mode. She also

developped a spectacular but benign reaction on her eyes, where the white of the

eye was sort of peeling off apparently. The Dr figured it was an allergic

reaction to a plant. She was better a couple days later.

A problem occured when we talked about the non-smoking rule in our rental

appartment. It was the end of the world. My Mom seems to need a cigarette to go

to the bathroom, she has been doing this for years. She had my father -who never

calls me unless it is in service of my Mother- call me to make me change my

mind. She was all passive and saying " I don't want to create problems " in the

background. After debating this with my boyfriend, we agreed to let her smoke in

our place.

I called her the next day to tell her that she could smoke in our place, but

that if our landlord who lives dowstairs from us, was to find out, she'd have to

stop smoking or get a hotel room.

As soon as she picked up the phone, I could tell her mood had dramatically

changed. She had gone from being passive to screaming like a mad person at the

top of lungs, about how poluting the US are, and complaining about Mon Santo

(the huge company that sells GM seeds)etc. Totally insane. I couldn't talk to

her so I repeated our decision to my father, while my Mom was screaming in the

back.

A couple days before their planned arrival, my parents cancelled their trip

complaining about a lot of things, and putting the blame on me essentially. I

wasn't welcoming enough, I didn't treat them nicely, and my father kept

repeating that I had told my Mom they couldn't even open their suitcases in our

appartment, yelling at me it was rude to tell my parents that, how dare I speak

to them like that etc.

I never told anything like that to my Mom, I once appologized in advance for the

lack of closet space in our appartment, and she laughed and told me not to

worry.

Typical distortion of my words on my Mom's part. I tried telling my Dad I had

never said such a thing but he wouldn't listen. He was angry.

I hung up on my Dad, and flew in a rage. kicked doors and threw things against

the wall.

I am so sick and tired of it. I feel like I always lose with my Mom. And my Dad

is such a codependent, it seems like he would do anything to cover up for my

Mom. There is nothing wrong with my Mom, there has never been anything wrong

with her. " She just needs love " is the motto. F*** A.

For the first time in my life though, I took the time to write them a note,

where I told them how I felt. I said that I felt hurt and angry at them, a very

big thing for me. I think only my BP Mom was allowed to talk about how she felt

in this family.

I told them the way they treated felt mean and unfair.

I had to send a Mother's day card and Mother's day gifts (it's this week end in

France), so I wrote it down in the mother' day card.

I went through a really tough time afterwards (this happend 2 or 3 weeks ago)

where I was just so depressed. I had no motivation for anything. I cried a lot.

I want a break from all of this. This is so draining. I keep thinking it's gonna

get better, but I need to stop kidding myself. Only I can change how I deal with

them.

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Thank you very much Annie. Your kind words mean a lot to me.

I realised my Mom had a problem a few years ago, but at the same time I think I

have always known that. It is interesting how the " awareness " of my Mom having

BP is a gradual thing.

I have had many " aha " moments, but the acceptance that yes, my Mom is mentally

is something that is constantly growing in some ways. I feel more and more

comfortable with it.

Sometimes I think I get " weak " , in the way that I unconsciously think things

might be better and easier at some point. I don't tell myself that consciously,

but when another crisis unfold and it sucks the life out of me, I " remember " .

The periods of calm are treacherous.

I realised that my Mom has had a pattern or losing it when we move, when she's

thrown into an unknown environement. I think the lack of familiarity and control

is a huge trigger for her.

Very much like your Mom, Annie.

It's been 3 weeks since I last talked to her, and I feel as though I am coming

back to normal. I feel myself again. It is such a waste of time and energy, it

feels like, to deal with her when she goes nuts. She moves on, and sometimes

forgets, and I am left with the residus of the drama.

But like I said in the title of my post, there is progress. I told her how I

felt, and that I was angry at her.

And my awareness of her decease is growing. There is an acceptance of the

condition.

Thanks again, Annie!

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Echobabe,

I totally hear you and I am sorry you had such a shitty trip with your Mom.

I have dreamt so many times of having someone to confide in, about my Mom,

someone who would see her as she is in my eyes. Crazy.

My Dad lets her treat him so horribly, calling him names all the times. He says

she " needs love " and so he takes on the abuse. That's his logic. He has almost

never protected me and my brother, but rather got mad at me several times for

" upsetting my Mom " , like I am the source of my Mom's anger and rage.

And my brother is very protective of my Mom. I think she was always much tougher

with me than with my brother anyway. I would get hit more, get yelled out more.

Or so it seemed.

SO between my brother and my Dad, there is absolutely no recognition that there

is a problem. The silence is like a way of saying " this is OUR shame. Our

shameful secret. We have to hide her and the way she behaves with us " .

So I often felt like I was losing my mind, when my Mom was going through a

crisis, and everyone acted as if everything was " normal " .

I so wished I had a sibling by my side, who would have laughed about my Mom's

crazyness during childhood and my teenage years...

But now though, I can share my Mom's craziness with someone who " sees " her as

she is, my boyfriend. We sometimes laugh about the the twisted lies and

accusations she brings up.

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Coralie, thanks so much for sharing this story. My mother also seems to be

triggered by travel - I think bc she is out of her realm of control. Every visit

of any length has been TERRIBLE - including when I have traveled to see her. I

think she is also triggered by having an " invader " in her home. I'm really sorry

you had this experience, I know how the terrible feelings can linger, but I'm

glad you are finding some peace now, even without resolution.

>

> Coralie,

> I have so much sympathy for you! This sounds so much like what I recently went

through with my mother. You've been putting up with this BS for years and you

are ready to move on! Good for you! When I first started to realize what was

going on with my mother (the nature of her disorder) I started thinking " I can't

change her, I have to change myself, " which is where it sounds like you're at. I

convinced myself that by working on controlling my reactions to her, forgiving

her for her disorder, and doing loving meditations about her (picturing myself

bringing her roses, picturing myself sending kind, loving energy from my

heartspace to hers) that I could get through it. But you know what? I realized

that I don't actually get anything out of the relationship with her! All I get

is the satisfaction of knowing that I am a good person, that I am trying my

hardest, that I'm fulfilling my role as daughter. And those don't really mean

that much in the face of

> constant criticism, rages, and her total self-absorption. Doing all this

emotional work on myself in order to have more peaceful interactions with my

mother, just didn't feel like it fit me. " Abandoning " my mother didn't fit

either, but being involved with this group has really helped me see that that

particular thought is a product of unhealthy guilt, not an actual truth!

>

>

> Anyway, my point being, don't try to change yourself unless it's really worth

it. You know in your gut when things are right and wrong, and when things are

really worth the effort.

>

>

> And if you do find good ways to change yourself without changing your inner

self.... please share!!

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Wednesday, May 25, 2011 12:19 PM

> Subject: Another crisis with my BP Mom. But small progress

though.

>

>

>  

> Hello all,

>

> Thank you all for sharing your experience here, it is so helpful to me.

> I had another huge fight with my BP Mom and my father a couple weeks ago. They

were supposed to visit us in the US, and this was a big first for my mother. She

had never been on a plane, and never did a big trip like this. I could tell whe

was both very excited about it and a nervous wreck about travelling. She became

more and more anxious, even predicting she would get sick.

> She has big constipation problems that she has had for as long as I can

remember. She was very afraid of flying too. She has an eating disorder and is

used to be very much in control at my parents house.I think there were lots of

factors that made her very very nervous.

>

> She became ill a week before and almost made a spectacle of it, as always,

wanting to show me how big her stomach was on the webcam etc. She was trying to

get emergency appointments left and right, it was crisis mode. She also

developped a spectacular but benign reaction on her eyes, where the white of the

eye was sort of peeling off apparently. The Dr figured it was an allergic

reaction to a plant. She was better a couple days later.

>

> A problem occured when we talked about the non-smoking rule in our rental

appartment. It was the end of the world. My Mom seems to need a cigarette to go

to the bathroom, she has been doing this for years. She had my father -who never

calls me unless it is in service of my Mother- call me to make me change my

mind. She was all passive and saying " I don't want to create problems " in the

background. After debating this with my boyfriend, we agreed to let her smoke in

our place.

> I called her the next day to tell her that she could smoke in our place, but

that if our landlord who lives dowstairs from us, was to find out, she'd have to

stop smoking or get a hotel room.

> As soon as she picked up the phone, I could tell her mood had dramatically

changed. She had gone from being passive to screaming like a mad person at the

top of lungs, about how poluting the US are, and complaining about Mon Santo

(the huge company that sells GM seeds)etc. Totally insane. I couldn't talk to

her so I repeated our decision to my father, while my Mom was screaming in the

back.

>

> A couple days before their planned arrival, my parents cancelled their trip

complaining about a lot of things, and putting the blame on me essentially. I

wasn't welcoming enough, I didn't treat them nicely, and my father kept

repeating that I had told my Mom they couldn't even open their suitcases in our

appartment, yelling at me it was rude to tell my parents that, how dare I speak

to them like that etc.

> I never told anything like that to my Mom, I once appologized in advance for

the lack of closet space in our appartment, and she laughed and told me not to

worry.

> Typical distortion of my words on my Mom's part. I tried telling my Dad I had

never said such a thing but he wouldn't listen. He was angry.

>

> I hung up on my Dad, and flew in a rage. kicked doors and threw things against

the wall.

>

> I am so sick and tired of it. I feel like I always lose with my Mom. And my

Dad is such a codependent, it seems like he would do anything to cover up for my

Mom. There is nothing wrong with my Mom, there has never been anything wrong

with her. " She just needs love " is the motto. F*** A.

>

> For the first time in my life though, I took the time to write them a note,

where I told them how I felt. I said that I felt hurt and angry at them, a very

big thing for me. I think only my BP Mom was allowed to talk about how she felt

in this family.

> I told them the way they treated felt mean and unfair.

> I had to send a Mother's day card and Mother's day gifts (it's this week end

in France), so I wrote it down in the mother' day card.

>

> I went through a really tough time afterwards (this happend 2 or 3 weeks ago)

where I was just so depressed. I had no motivation for anything. I cried a lot.

> I want a break from all of this. This is so draining. I keep thinking it's

gonna get better, but I need to stop kidding myself. Only I can change how I

deal with them.

>

> Coralie

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Over the years I noticed that my nada could hold it together and at least seem

to be enjoying herself whether I was visiting her in her home or she was

visiting me, for about 3 days, more or less. Then it would start. The

irritability, the nit-picking and criticizing, the demanding, controlling, bossy

behaviors, being jabbed verbally as though she was trying to pick a fight with

me, alternating with feelings so easily hurt that she'd go into a

quivering-lipped pout if I didn't agree with her that it was chilly outside.

And sometimes the cherry on top: the screaming, red-faced, spittle-flying,

pupil-dilated rage-tantrum.

When dad was still alive some of that would be directed at him, but after he

died it was all coming at me if I was visiting her. Plus, nada reverted to

painting Sister as all-bad, so nada would start in on criticizing Sister sooner

during a visit; sometimes Sister would arrive for a visit and nada would already

be angry at Sister.

And for DECADES I thought this was just normal behavior, and that I was somehow

rubbing my mother the wrong way and making her so irritable and angry at me or

hurt and upset with me. I thought there was something badly, fundamentally wrong

with me, that I caused her such distress and anger.

I had no CLUE, no inkling, that these behaviors altogether and as intense and

frequent as they were, as upsetting and soul-killing and physically damaging and

emotionally damaging as they were to me, I had NO IDEA that this set of

behaviors meant that my mother was actually seriously mentally ill.

There was no education for me as a young person, no validation even from dad,

who only would refer to mom as " high strung " and he'd say in his long-suffering

voice that we needed to be gentle with her and not upset her. Nada's own family

of origin tolerated her bossy, acting out behaviors; I think she had them under

her thumb and they were afraid of her. And nada invariably appeared just fine:

happy, friendly, charming and engaging, in public.

That's one of the reasons I wish so badly that there was a mandatory class given

starting from preschool on up, presented in age-appropriate ways, making it

clear what mentally healthy behaviors look like and sound like, in contrast to

what mentally ill, abnormal behaviors look like and sound like.

That way a child would begin to comprehend at a much earlier age that being

screamed at, being hit, being falsely accused of doing and saying things she

didn't do or say, being subjected to over-reaction to minor issues or subjected

to constant irritability and criticism, being called names, being shamed and

humiliated (such as being laughed at when you're in pain) particularly in front

of your peers are abusive behaviors and are not normal parenting.

Being told you're no good, stupid, unwanted and a burden; being told you'll

never amount to anything are abusive behaviors.

Being left alone for days at a time to fend for yourself when you're under 12 or

so, or left alone for days at a time to care for smaller siblings is criminal

child neglect. Being unprotected from or exposed to sexual abuse from random

adults or older children in your home I believe falls under the criminal neglect

category also.

Being punished in harsh or unusual ways, never or rarely being taken to the

doctor or dentist, never being shown affection, never being shown how to clean

yourself properly, or brush your teeth or comb your hair, not being allowed to

bathe or shampoo regularly, not allowed to socialize properly with your peers,

being isolated from other human beings, being kept from school to be the

de-facto parent or housekeeper, or just to keep your parent company are all

abusive behaviors.

Being forced to live in vermin-encrusted filth, not being fed nutritious food

regularly, being sexually exploited, being made to feel like an outsider in your

own family because your parent favors and spoils a sibling, being punished by

having your pets killed or your possessions given away, etc., etc., that all of

these behaviors AND MORE are ABNORMAL, ABUSIVE, MENTALLY ILL behaviors and ARE

NOT THE CHILD'S FAULT.

Knowledge is power; education of the young about recognizing abnormal, mentally

ill behavior is power too, sez I, and is badly needed and long overdue.

-Annie

> >

> > Coralie,

> > I have so much sympathy for you! This sounds so much like what I recently

went through with my mother. You've been putting up with this BS for years and

you are ready to move on! Good for you! When I first started to realize what was

going on with my mother (the nature of her disorder) I started thinking " I can't

change her, I have to change myself, " which is where it sounds like you're at. I

convinced myself that by working on controlling my reactions to her, forgiving

her for her disorder, and doing loving meditations about her (picturing myself

bringing her roses, picturing myself sending kind, loving energy from my

heartspace to hers) that I could get through it. But you know what? I realized

that I don't actually get anything out of the relationship with her! All I get

is the satisfaction of knowing that I am a good person, that I am trying my

hardest, that I'm fulfilling my role as daughter. And those don't really mean

that much in the face of

> > constant criticism, rages, and her total self-absorption. Doing all this

emotional work on myself in order to have more peaceful interactions with my

mother, just didn't feel like it fit me. " Abandoning " my mother didn't fit

either, but being involved with this group has really helped me see that that

particular thought is a product of unhealthy guilt, not an actual truth!

> >

> >

> > Anyway, my point being, don't try to change yourself unless it's really

worth it. You know in your gut when things are right and wrong, and when things

are really worth the effort.

> >

> >

> > And if you do find good ways to change yourself without changing your inner

self.... please share!!

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: " coraliebilly@ " <coraliebilly@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Wednesday, May 25, 2011 12:19 PM

> > Subject: Another crisis with my BP Mom. But small

progress though.

> >

> >

> >  

> > Hello all,

> >

> > Thank you all for sharing your experience here, it is so helpful to me.

> > I had another huge fight with my BP Mom and my father a couple weeks ago.

They were supposed to visit us in the US, and this was a big first for my

mother. She had never been on a plane, and never did a big trip like this. I

could tell whe was both very excited about it and a nervous wreck about

travelling. She became more and more anxious, even predicting she would get

sick.

> > She has big constipation problems that she has had for as long as I can

remember. She was very afraid of flying too. She has an eating disorder and is

used to be very much in control at my parents house.I think there were lots of

factors that made her very very nervous.

> >

> > She became ill a week before and almost made a spectacle of it, as always,

wanting to show me how big her stomach was on the webcam etc. She was trying to

get emergency appointments left and right, it was crisis mode. She also

developped a spectacular but benign reaction on her eyes, where the white of the

eye was sort of peeling off apparently. The Dr figured it was an allergic

reaction to a plant. She was better a couple days later.

> >

> > A problem occured when we talked about the non-smoking rule in our rental

appartment. It was the end of the world. My Mom seems to need a cigarette to go

to the bathroom, she has been doing this for years. She had my father -who never

calls me unless it is in service of my Mother- call me to make me change my

mind. She was all passive and saying " I don't want to create problems " in the

background. After debating this with my boyfriend, we agreed to let her smoke in

our place.

> > I called her the next day to tell her that she could smoke in our place, but

that if our landlord who lives dowstairs from us, was to find out, she'd have to

stop smoking or get a hotel room.

> > As soon as she picked up the phone, I could tell her mood had dramatically

changed. She had gone from being passive to screaming like a mad person at the

top of lungs, about how poluting the US are, and complaining about Mon Santo

(the huge company that sells GM seeds)etc. Totally insane. I couldn't talk to

her so I repeated our decision to my father, while my Mom was screaming in the

back.

> >

> > A couple days before their planned arrival, my parents cancelled their trip

complaining about a lot of things, and putting the blame on me essentially. I

wasn't welcoming enough, I didn't treat them nicely, and my father kept

repeating that I had told my Mom they couldn't even open their suitcases in our

appartment, yelling at me it was rude to tell my parents that, how dare I speak

to them like that etc.

> > I never told anything like that to my Mom, I once appologized in advance for

the lack of closet space in our appartment, and she laughed and told me not to

worry.

> > Typical distortion of my words on my Mom's part. I tried telling my Dad I

had never said such a thing but he wouldn't listen. He was angry.

> >

> > I hung up on my Dad, and flew in a rage. kicked doors and threw things

against the wall.

> >

> > I am so sick and tired of it. I feel like I always lose with my Mom. And my

Dad is such a codependent, it seems like he would do anything to cover up for my

Mom. There is nothing wrong with my Mom, there has never been anything wrong

with her. " She just needs love " is the motto. F*** A.

> >

> > For the first time in my life though, I took the time to write them a note,

where I told them how I felt. I said that I felt hurt and angry at them, a very

big thing for me. I think only my BP Mom was allowed to talk about how she felt

in this family.

> > I told them the way they treated felt mean and unfair.

> > I had to send a Mother's day card and Mother's day gifts (it's this week end

in France), so I wrote it down in the mother' day card.

> >

> > I went through a really tough time afterwards (this happend 2 or 3 weeks

ago) where I was just so depressed. I had no motivation for anything. I cried a

lot.

> > I want a break from all of this. This is so draining. I keep thinking it's

gonna get better, but I need to stop kidding myself. Only I can change how I

deal with them.

> >

> > Coralie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

This could be my life word for word, Coralie. Sometimes the pain was so

horrendous, like my heart was splitting. The disconnect between what I knew in

my heart was really going on and what nada and Dad were asserting was the

truth--that I had hurt nada, that she was the one entitled to feel broken

instead of me. And that it was all my fault anyway.

I didn't really have my sister as a kid--she is 11 yrs older and we were raised

with nada between us. Nada played us against each other and controlled the

information. It was only about 12-15 years ago during LC/NC times with nada that

my sister and I really TALKED for the first time and it was incredibly

validating & eye-opening. That was when we learned to trust our own memories and

each other.

I am so sorry this type of relationship is not open to you and your brother. I

never expected this in my life and I am so very grateful for my sister, more

every day. She's the only one from my FOO that I have, so I'm holding on for

dear life!

>My Dad lets her treat him so horribly, calling him names all the times. He says

she " needs love " and so he takes on the abuse. That's his logic. He has almost

never protected me and my brother, but rather got mad at me several times for

" upsetting my Mom " , like I am the source of my Mom's anger and rage.

.....

> SO between my brother and my Dad, there is absolutely no recognition that

there is a problem.

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

I think we are making progress--so many coming here at an earlier age, figuring

out how they have been raised is not normal.

But no matter, children will always default to thinking they are the reason for

a BPD parent yelling at them, the NPD parent ignoring them, or seeing their

parents getting divorced. I think we humans are wired this way. The best we can

do is keep getting the diagnostic information out there, so that they might have

that " ah-ha " moment as early as possible.

I'd also like to see society challenging the parents with PD--so that they can

get help BEFORE they damage their children. Our society at large refuses to get

involved when they see children being abused and more often gives the parent the

benefit of doubt. This all has to change.

I was 35 years old before I realized my mom was truly mentally ill (that here

behavior wasn't because I was bad/rebellious/stupid). It took me another 12

years before my " ah-ha -- BPD! " moment. So much wasted time.

> That way a child would begin to comprehend at a much earlier age that being

screamed at, being hit, being falsely accused of doing and saying things she

didn't do or say, being subjected to over-reaction to minor issues or subjected

to constant irritability and criticism, being called names, being shamed and

humiliated (such as being laughed at when you're in pain) particularly in front

of your peers are abusive behaviors and are not normal parenting.

>

[Guest guest]

On the topic of traveling - i don't know why for sure but my nada was

HORRIBLE traveler. I don't know if its because it was hard to get away from

her on the road, or if it just triggered her. But she would melt down, stay

in bed, leave her car keys in another state, scream at other peoples

children and on and on.She was 100% guaranteed to develop a weird allergy,

swell up or go into what she called " anaphalaxix " (which it wasn't). Half

the tiem we would have to leave behind the activity we traveled there for to

begin with. She would also often sleep so long and so late that we would end

up just leaving her behind, to lay in bed all day, which I think was her

preference. Weirdness.

>

>

> I think we are making progress--so many coming here at an earlier age,

> figuring out how they have been raised is not normal.

>

> But no matter, children will always default to thinking they are the reason

> for a BPD parent yelling at them, the NPD parent ignoring them, or seeing

> their parents getting divorced. I think we humans are wired this way. The

> best we can do is keep getting the diagnostic information out there, so that

> they might have that " ah-ha " moment as early as possible.

>

> I'd also like to see society challenging the parents with PD--so that they

> can get help BEFORE they damage their children. Our society at large refuses

> to get involved when they see children being abused and more often gives the

> parOn the topicent the benefit of doubt. This all has to change.

>

> I was 35 years old before I realized my mom was truly mentally ill (that

> here behavior wasn't because I was bad/rebellious/stupid). It took me

> another 12 years before my " ah-ha -- BPD! " moment. So much wasted time.

>

> > That way a child would begin to comprehend at a much earlier age that

> being screamed at, being hit, being falsely accused of doing and saying

> things she didn't do or say, being subjected to over-reaction to minor

> issues or subjected to constant irritability and criticism, being called

> names, being shamed and humiliated (such as being laughed at when you're in

> pain) particularly in front of your peers are abusive behaviors and are not

> normal parenting.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

>

> Thank you very much Annie. Your kind words mean a lot to me.

> I realised my Mom had a problem a few years ago, but at the same time I think

I have always known that. It is interesting how the " awareness " of my Mom having

BP is a gradual thing.

> I have had many " aha " moments, but the acceptance that yes, my Mom is mentally

is something that is constantly growing in some ways. I feel more and more

comfortable with it.

>

> Sometimes I think I get " weak " , in the way that I unconsciously think things

might be better and easier at some point. I don't tell myself that consciously,

but when another crisis unfold and it sucks the life out of me, I " remember " .

The periods of calm are treacherous.

>

> I realised that my Mom has had a pattern or losing it when we move, when she's

thrown into an unknown environement. I think the lack of familiarity and control

is a huge trigger for her.

> Very much like your Mom, Annie.

>

> It's been 3 weeks since I last talked to her, and I feel as though I am coming

back to normal. I feel myself again. It is such a waste of time and energy, it

feels like, to deal with her when she goes nuts. She moves on, and sometimes

forgets, and I am left with the residus of the drama.

>

> But like I said in the title of my post, there is progress. I told her how I

felt, and that I was angry at her.

> And my awareness of her decease is growing. There is an acceptance of the

condition.

>

> Thanks again, Annie!

> Coralie

>

Hi Coralie,

I just wanted to say that your mother sounds so much like mine it's scary. Like

yours strange environments and ordinary stressors (appointments, trips etc.)

often cause her to go into witch mode. It's so bad that even when I take care of

everything for her she starts looking for ways to sabotage my efforts. The

manner in which she twists my words, continually makes excuses for her

unjustifiable actions and provokes me so that I look like I am the one at fault

is just so EVIL that it hurts :/. God forbid I do something to bother her

because according to her I do it on purpose. I have been diagnosed with ADD and

can be forgetful at times, interacting with others and even some routine tasks

are not easy for me but she could care less. Not once has she ever apologized

(or paid me back) for ANYTHING. Even after she broke both panes of my bedroom

window with her fist after she accidentally got locked out of her own room. The

lock was halfway out and the wind shut the door but she claimed I did it...and I

still have to deal with someone like that on a daily basis O_o.

I am always the bad one, disobedient, disrespectful etc. Despite the fact that

she's the one who starts cursing at me, calling me a bitch and (when I was 7

years old) a whore. The worst thing I've told her is that she is mean-spirited,

dictatorial, manipulative and an emotional blackmailer. That's not an insult!

It's the TRUTH! Every time I bring up a grievance she gets on the defensive,

starts yelling at me and making threats. " I am never going to talk to you again,

I am not your mother, you are going to pay for being such a _____... " It's over

little things and it's utterly ridiculous because instead of rationally talking

things out like a sane adult she throws tantrums. I find myself having to raise

my voice just to get a word in. Sometimes I just yell at her to stop and lock

myself in my room or leave the house for hours to cool down. I think that part

of her anger stems from the fact that I have become an expert at mercilessly

picking apart every single one her illogical arguments. College forensics and

abnormal psychology certainly comes in handy, LOL.

-Aeltri