Guest guest Posted May 25, 2011 Report Share Posted May 25, 2011 It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. Fleas. I hate the little buggers. Em Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2011 Report Share Posted May 25, 2011 That's great that you had a flea-epiphany: that its OK to say " No, thanks " and it doesn't make you a rotten human being! Yay! And yes, I think you're right and it has to do with not being allowed to express (or even have) our own opinions, feelings, or preferences. That is called being " objectified " : being treated like an inanimate object that has no feelings or preferences. Perhaps you were even punished or shamed for daring to express a feeling or preference that differed with nada's (I was.) So, yeah, there's a lot of toxic brainwashing to overcome, aka fleas. Good for you that your daughter could share with you what a good response would be; you're raising a healthy, self-confident child! Big thumb's up of encouragement from me! -Annie > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > Em > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 , God, you totally nailed my inner turmoil when someone " suggests " something to me: I immediately assume I HAVE to do it. It is nothing short of remarkable for us to realize we CAN say no!! We can say I can't. And, sheesh, that couple sounds like a nightmare. I would definitely avoid them like a bad cold! > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > Em > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 I love saying, " No. " It really is so cool! Who knew? We got new next-door neighbors last year. Let's just say they have much more fluid boundaries than I do. I say " no " to them a lot! But the wife is the kind of person who won't just let you say, " no. " She wants to know *why* you're saying, " no. " It's like talking to a 3-year-old. So, first, you can play around with all the awesome ways to say, " No, " like: " No, sorry, it's not a good time for us to do that, " or, " No, thanks, " or, " I just can't do that right now, " or, " We already have plans that week, " or, " That date sounds familiar, I think we have something going on then...I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you. " Next, you have to learn how to respond to the person who just needs to get all up in your business. I think that's trickier. You're not going to come off " nice " at that point, but that's okay, because it's not really " nice " for people to interrogate you about your excuse to begin with. (And sometimes if you're " mean " enough, they learn to leave you alone.) " Why do you need to know? " " I don't need to explain myself to you. " " Why won't you let me just say, 'no?' " " It's not really any of your business what my plans are. " " I'm not interested in discussing that with you. " " I don't like it when people ask me for details about my plans after I've said, 'no.' " and so on. Anyway, good for you for learning you don't have to accommodate people you're not interested in seeing! That must feel really liberating =) Sveta > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > Em > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 I have this same issue! That's why I can't stand unsolicited advice. " You should " " you just need to " " you have to " Some people are really comfortable starting a lot of their sentences this way. Its so hard for me to not become defensive because I feel guilty I'm not obeying these edicts. I was at a bbq and I had just gotten ripped off by someone I considered a friend the week before. Some dude kept helpfully suggesting that " you need to let your anger go " . I said that I'm still angry and I'm going to be for a bit. He countered that I had to let it go. It went back and forth. I guess this fellow was uncomfortable witnessing my anger therefore he was helpfully instructing me to " let it go " for my benefit but really his. Anyway unsolicited advice makes me so uneasy because I feel I'm doing something wrong and now I need to fix it for the other person! ---------- Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile device. Re: I'm Itchy - It's a Flea! , God, you totally nailed my inner turmoil when someone " suggests " something to me: I immediately assume I HAVE to do it. It is nothing short of remarkable for us to realize we CAN say no!! We can say I can't. And, sheesh, that couple sounds like a nightmare. I would definitely avoid them like a bad cold! > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > Em > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 All I can suppose is that anger, even justifiable, righteous anger, must make a lot of people uncomfortable. I got kicked out of another Internet support group similar to this one because I often expressed shock, outrage, and anger over reading how a member had been horrifically abused as a child. My declarations of " That's just reprehensible, criminal child abuse; your mother/father should have done jail time for that! " or " Anyone who would do that to their own child is over in the deep end of the crazy pool and their poor little children should have been rescued! " apparently made a lot of members uncomfortable. So, like you, I don't get why justifiable anger makes others uncomfortable either. -Annie > > > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 YOU got kicked out of a support group? Now that's crazy. You're one of the most helpful people I've encountered! > > > > > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > > > > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > > > > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > > > > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > > > > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > > > > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > > > > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > > > > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 It was the one where everybody had to forgive their BPD-afflicted abusers and be all hunky-dory like nothing ever happened, right? I remember looking at that one a couple years ago, but was too lazy and just signed up for this group instead. Am I ever glad I didn't join that one. Sounds like more brainwashing/whitewashing to me. On Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:36 AM, last050811 wrote: > > > YOU got kicked out of a support group? Now that's crazy. You're one of the > most helpful people I've encountered! > > > > > > > > > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and > bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I > missed one today. > > > > > > > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when > they are passing through on their way to another town. > > > > > > > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an > oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people > who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call > your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't > immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand > boundaries. > > > > > > > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going > to meet them. > > > > > > > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. > She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > > > > > > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was > exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and > even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is > what we want to do. > > > > > > > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please > and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - > i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we > are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > > > > > > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > > > > > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Lol, thanks! I guess it just wasn't a good fit, me and that group. I noticed that even after posts detailing the most horrific kinds of abuse, the other members would only make comments like, " I'm so sorry you experienced that " or " I hope you are healing now. " So, they were a very non-angry group and I must have unsettled them. -Annie > > > > > > > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > > > > > > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > > > > > > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > > > > > > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > > > > > > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > > > > > > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > > > > > > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > > > > > > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > > > > > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Although I have never been kicked out of a support group, I did leave one for a similar reason. It was a single parent support group who were father's rights advocates. I am all for fathers having rights to their children as long as they are taking care of their responsibilities, such as child support, medical bills, etc. I once suggested to someone that she protect herself and her from the boyfriend who got her pregnant and didn't want to have anything to do with their child. I was told " How dare you? What if that father changes his mind and wants to have contact with the child? "  Everyone got all up in arms.  I guess they were all assuming that this guy was a really nice person, and if he came back into the child's life, would be a wonderful father. My view was, what if that came back into the child's life to use him against the mother...to try and get custody by saying the mother was a bad person and take the child away from her, or to be a father without all the responsibility? Needless to say, I left the group. Janet  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2011 11:24 AM Subject: Re: I'm Itchy - It's a Flea!  All I can suppose is that anger, even justifiable, righteous anger, must make a lot of people uncomfortable. I got kicked out of another Internet support group similar to this one because I often expressed shock, outrage, and anger over reading how a member had been horrifically abused as a child. My declarations of " That's just reprehensible, criminal child abuse; your mother/father should have done jail time for that! " or " Anyone who would do that to their own child is over in the deep end of the crazy pool and their poor little children should have been rescued! " apparently made a lot of members uncomfortable. So, like you, I don't get why justifiable anger makes others uncomfortable either. -Annie > > > > It never ceases to amaze me when fleas rear up their little heads and bite me! Thanks to this group I am recognizing them more and more, but I missed one today. > > > > I got an email from a couple who want to meet with hubby and me when they are passing through on their way to another town. > > > > Problem is, we really aren't fond of them, and the email gave me an oh, no, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. They're the kind of people who don't take a hint - when you don't answer your house phone they call your cell, and then call it again. The kind who don't notice that you don't immediately reply to their emails. The kind who don't seem to understand boundaries. > > > > So hubby says it isn't happening, he doesn't want to, we aren't going to meet them. > > > > Anyway, I told my daughter that I had to come up with some excuse. She replied: " Just tell them you're too busy. " > > > > What a light bulb moment this was for me! I realized that this was exactly what I need to do, and it is not unreasonable. We ARE busy - and even if we weren't busy, well, we might be busy doing nothing if that is what we want to do. > > > > But because of my nada upbringing I am trained to oblige and please and not offend and therefore the idea that I could just have my own way - i.e. say NO, sorry, don't want to do that, by telling these people that we are unavailable, is reasonable, never even crossed my radar. > > > > Fleas. I hate the little buggers. > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Annie, sorry to hear that! But I can picture it--a group that deals with emotional trauma is only as healthy as the administrators allow it to be. To foster growth, we all have to have a 'willingness to be disturbed.' And as we know, some people just can't go there. You have a delightfully blunt way of speaking your mind--and you point out the truth without sugar coating it. I don't think that's a bad thing--I appreciate your refreshing honesty on some very painful topics. And I am grateful every day you are here to share it with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Thanks EB! I'm glad we're all able and willing to share our experiences and insights with each other. -Annie > > > Annie, sorry to hear that! > > But I can picture it--a group that deals with emotional trauma is only as healthy as the administrators allow it to be. To foster growth, we all have to have a 'willingness to be disturbed.' And as we know, some people just can't go there. > > You have a delightfully blunt way of speaking your mind--and you point out the truth without sugar coating it. I don't think that's a bad thing--I appreciate your refreshing honesty on some very painful topics. > And I am grateful every day you are here to share it with us. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Yeah, Annie, I got al lot of the silent treatment if I had differing opinions from Nada. And it was so uncomfortable that I stopped disagreeing - or just shoved my real opinions and feelings down inside. She was never a screamer or yelling rager, just a pinched lips silent treatment rager, and honestly I somethings think it would have been easier if she'd just yelled. DD is 27, and in her soft spoken, loving manner she doesn't take any you know what from anybody, so I guess we did something right! Em > That's great that you had a flea-epiphany: that its OK to say " No, thanks " and it doesn't make you a rotten human being! > Yay! > > And yes, I think you're right and it has to do with not being allowed to express (or even have) our own opinions, feelings, or preferences. That is called being " objectified " : being treated like an inanimate object that has no feelings or preferences. Perhaps you were even punished or shamed for daring to express a feeling or preference that differed with nada's (I was.) > > So, yeah, there's a lot of toxic brainwashing to overcome, aka fleas. Good for you that your daughter could share with you what a good response would be; you're raising a healthy, self-confident child! > > Big thumb's up of encouragement from me! > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Hey - that's an excuse! Bad cold! No, just joking. I am going to not make an excuse this time - I am just saying, No, we are not available. I'm summoning up my courage to send the email. It is an inner turmoil, isn't it? Em > , God, you totally nailed my inner turmoil when someone " suggests " something to me: I immediately assume I HAVE to do it. > > It is nothing short of remarkable for us to realize we CAN say no!! We can say I can't. > > And, sheesh, that couple sounds like a nightmare. I would definitely avoid them like a bad cold! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 We lived in a condo with the classic nosy neighbors. It was very safe - a full service building with security, and we never locked our sliding glass doors on the terrace until the day we came home to find that the woman had been IN OUR APARTMENT when we were gone - she felt it was okay to leave something for her husband there that she didn't want him to see, so used the terrace gate and just went in. From that day forward we locked up tighter than a drum. These people could not take a hint. They could not take a slap upside the head. When we moved, we stopped all contact with them, (we were only being decent because they lived directly next door) and they started driving by our new house. One day I happened to be looking out the front windows, and I saw her go past seven times, round and round the block, pausing to look each time. They were the same way - we would be on our way out and she would say: " where ya going, what you doing? " It drove us nuts, especially because we are very private people who shouldn't have been living in a condo in the first place. With these people I am just going to say: Sorry, but we are both on tight deadlines and we're not available for any socializing right now. Em > I love saying, " No. " It really is so cool! Who knew? > > We got new next-door neighbors last year. Let's just say they have much more fluid boundaries than I do. I say " no " to them a lot! > > But the wife is the kind of person who won't just let you say, " no. " She wants to know *why* you're saying, " no. " It's like talking to a 3-year-old. > > So, first, you can play around with all the awesome ways to say, " No, " like: " No, sorry, it's not a good time for us to do that, " or, " No, thanks, " or, " I just can't do that right now, " or, " We already have plans that week, " or, " That date sounds familiar, I think we have something going on then...I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you. " > > Next, you have to learn how to respond to the person who just needs to get all up in your business. I think that's trickier. You're not going to come off " nice " at that point, but that's okay, because it's not really " nice " for people to interrogate you about your excuse to begin with. (And sometimes if you're " mean " enough, they learn to leave you alone.) " Why do you need to know? " " I don't need to explain myself to you. " " Why won't you let me just say, 'no?' " " It's not really any of your business what my plans are. " " I'm not interested in discussing that with you. " " I don't like it when people ask me for details about my plans after I've said, 'no.' " and so on. > > Anyway, good for you for learning you don't have to accommodate people you're not interested in seeing! That must feel really liberating =) > > Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 I suspect it's a group more for venting than healing. One reason I love this forum is that it is all about the healing and overcoming the hand we were dealt. Sure, we vent, but we also work to overcome our fleas and our past. As evidenced by my being able to Just Say No! What you responded to them was only right - and shouldn't have made anyone looking honestly at their life uncomfortable. I stirred up some of this nonsense on another board myself yesterday. A friend wanted to respond to something but was afraid she'd get kicked off, because the mod has a history of getting rid of people other members complain about, so I posted a reply myself. It's a board I used to go to but no longer visit, mainly because I realized that it had become nothing more than a place to bitch about the issue (elder care) with no real solutions being worked out. Anyway, I posted calmly and reasonably, and all the former members I am friends with went and read what I wrote, and gave me a " well done " and guess what? I have been accused of being " angry, rude " and get this - an " imposter. " In other words, someone using my old posting name that isn't me. Um, Guess if one disagrees one becomes an angry, rude faker, lol. Needless to say i won't go back and dignify it with a response. Em PS And they said I obviously had a perfect mum, so wouldn't understand. What a hoot! > All I can suppose is that anger, even justifiable, righteous anger, must make a lot of people uncomfortable. I got kicked out of another Internet support group similar to this one because I often expressed shock, outrage, and anger over reading how a member had been horrifically abused as a child. > > My declarations of " That's just reprehensible, criminal child abuse; your mother/father should have done jail time for that! " or " Anyone who would do that to their own child is over in the deep end of the crazy pool and their poor little children should have been rescued! " apparently made a lot of members uncomfortable. > > So, like you, I don't get why justifiable anger makes others uncomfortable either. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Good for you saying no. And I like the idea of a " fleapiphany. " It is hard to say no, an unqualified, unapologetic no. I had asked for advice about scheduling an upcoming visit with my mom, how to make sure she only stayed for the number of days we were comfortable with - which, since she wanted to come for 8-10 days and we've never had a hitch-free visit of longer than 3 days, meant saying " no " in some form or fashion. I was going to go the " sorry, [insert excuse] route " but my parent just seems to see that as room for negotiation. So instead, I just said, " These are the dates that work. " No explanations, no apologies, nothing. And she hasn't said a word. (She did make sure I saw an email from her friend whose airline miles she's using sent that said, " Sorry you don't get to stay longer, " but I can live with that). When she arrives and starts making noises about babysitting our son so we can go on a date, I'm just going to say, " I appreciate the offer, but no, thanks. " And hold my breath, of course. Let us know what this annoying couple does next... > > > I love saying, " No. " It really is so cool! Who knew? > > > > We got new next-door neighbors last year. Let's just say they have much more fluid boundaries than I do. I say " no " to them a lot! > > > > But the wife is the kind of person who won't just let you say, " no. " She wants to know *why* you're saying, " no. " It's like talking to a 3-year-old. > > > > So, first, you can play around with all the awesome ways to say, " No, " like: " No, sorry, it's not a good time for us to do that, " or, " No, thanks, " or, " I just can't do that right now, " or, " We already have plans that week, " or, " That date sounds familiar, I think we have something going on then...I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you. " > > > > Next, you have to learn how to respond to the person who just needs to get all up in your business. I think that's trickier. You're not going to come off " nice " at that point, but that's okay, because it's not really " nice " for people to interrogate you about your excuse to begin with. (And sometimes if you're " mean " enough, they learn to leave you alone.) " Why do you need to know? " " I don't need to explain myself to you. " " Why won't you let me just say, 'no?' " " It's not really any of your business what my plans are. " " I'm not interested in discussing that with you. " " I don't like it when people ask me for details about my plans after I've said, 'no.' " and so on. > > > > Anyway, good for you for learning you don't have to accommodate people you're not interested in seeing! That must feel really liberating =) > > > > Sveta > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Yes, about this time last year my boyfriend's former boss's wife (who was part of a company that laid him off) got laid off herself. She contacted me via a mutual friend to see if I could help her find a job. Ha if I knew of any jobs I would take them myself. So anyway,we were going to have coffee but it never worked out timing wise. Then the lady said she wanted to take me and boyfirend on a PICNIC!!!!!! I was like ummmmm no thanks. That sounds a little too romantic for a job hunt networking get together with the dude who was part of laying boyfriend off. Seriously - a picnic? First theirs the romantic friendly atmosphere. Then theirs the amount of time and effort that goes into it - grocery store, food prep, choosing a location. Then the weekend 1/2 day commitment. THen the fact that I never even met her before. Add to that that if I'm going to hang out outside for that length of time (I'm very sensitive to the sun) I would be playing ball with my dogs or hiking - not sitting around with someone a full generation older than me who I have nothing in common with who wants help finding a job. i was willing to give 1/2 hour. And she pushed and pushed for a picnic!!! I played the sober card. She wanted to have wine and drinks at the picnic. I said (and it was true - somewhat) that I was newly sober and couldn't put myself in that position to be tempted to drink. And then I just stopped replying to her messages. Does anyone else think that is weird? To try to have a picnic with a stanger who you want job advice from? > > > Good for you saying no. And I like the idea of a " fleapiphany. " It is hard > to say no, an unqualified, unapologetic no. I had asked for advice about > scheduling an upcoming visit with my mom, how to make sure she only stayed > for the number of days we were comfortable with - which, since she wanted to > come for 8-10 days and we've never had a hitch-free visit of longer than 3 > days, meant saying " no " in some form or fashion. I was going to go the > " sorry, [insert excuse] route " but my parent just seems to see that as room > for negotiation. So instead, I just said, " These are the dates that work. " > No explanations, no apologies, nothing. And she hasn't said a word. (She did > make sure I saw an email from her friend whose airline miles she's using > sent that said, " Sorry you don't get to stay longer, " but I can live with > that). When she arrives and starts making noises about babysitting our son > so we can go on a date, I'm just going to say, " I appreciate the offer, but > no, thanks. " And hold my breath, of course. Let us know what this > annoying couple does next... > > > > > > > > I love saying, " No. " It really is so cool! Who knew? > > > > > > We got new next-door neighbors last year. Let's just say they have much > more fluid boundaries than I do. I say " no " to them a lot! > > > > > > But the wife is the kind of person who won't just let you say, " no. " > She wants to know *why* you're saying, " no. " It's like talking to a > 3-year-old. > > > > > > So, first, you can play around with all the awesome ways to say, " No, " > like: " No, sorry, it's not a good time for us to do that, " or, " No, thanks, " > or, " I just can't do that right now, " or, " We already have plans that week, " > or, " That date sounds familiar, I think we have something going on > then...I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you. " > > > > > > Next, you have to learn how to respond to the person who just needs to > get all up in your business. I think that's trickier. You're not going to > come off " nice " at that point, but that's okay, because it's not really > " nice " for people to interrogate you about your excuse to begin with. (And > sometimes if you're " mean " enough, they learn to leave you alone.) " Why do > you need to know? " " I don't need to explain myself to you. " " Why won't you > let me just say, 'no?' " " It's not really any of your business what my plans > are. " " I'm not interested in discussing that with you. " " I don't like it > when people ask me for details about my plans after I've said, 'no.' " and so > on. > > > > > > Anyway, good for you for learning you don't have to accommodate people > you're not interested in seeing! That must feel really liberating =) > > > > > > Sveta > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 a picnic?! yeah, that's suspiciously creepy. and even more that she's so insistent. makes the hairs on my neck stand up. > > Yes, about this time last year my boyfriend's former boss's wife (who was > part of a company that laid him off) got laid off herself. She contacted me > via a mutual friend to see if I could help her find a job. Ha if I knew of > any jobs I would take them myself. So anyway,we were going to have coffee > but it never worked out timing wise. Then the lady said she wanted to take > me and boyfirend on a PICNIC!!!!!! > > I was like ummmmm no thanks. That sounds a little too romantic for a job > hunt networking get together with the dude who was part of laying boyfriend > off. Seriously - a picnic? First theirs the romantic friendly atmosphere. > Then theirs the amount of time and effort that goes into it - grocery store, > food prep, choosing a location. Then the weekend 1/2 day commitment. THen > the fact that I never even met her before. Add to that that if I'm going to > hang out outside for that length of time (I'm very sensitive to the sun) I > would be playing ball with my dogs or hiking - not sitting around with > someone a full generation older than me who I have nothing in common with > who wants help finding a job. > > i was willing to give 1/2 hour. And she pushed and pushed for a picnic!!! > > I played the sober card. She wanted to have wine and drinks at the picnic. I > said (and it was true - somewhat) that I was newly sober and couldn't put > myself in that position to be tempted to drink. > > And then I just stopped replying to her messages. > > Does anyone else think that is weird? To try to have a picnic with a stanger > who you want job advice from? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Its the kind of overly-friendly, pushy behavior that now makes my " con artist radar " start beeping. Too friendly too fast and too pushy is scary to me, as well. -Annie > > > > Yes, about this time last year my boyfriend's former boss's wife (who was > > part of a company that laid him off) got laid off herself. She contacted me > > via a mutual friend to see if I could help her find a job. Ha if I knew of > > any jobs I would take them myself. So anyway,we were going to have coffee > > but it never worked out timing wise. Then the lady said she wanted to take > > me and boyfirend on a PICNIC!!!!!! > > > > I was like ummmmm no thanks. That sounds a little too romantic for a job > > hunt networking get together with the dude who was part of laying boyfriend > > off. Seriously - a picnic? First theirs the romantic friendly atmosphere. > > Then theirs the amount of time and effort that goes into it - grocery store, > > food prep, choosing a location. Then the weekend 1/2 day commitment. THen > > the fact that I never even met her before. Add to that that if I'm going to > > hang out outside for that length of time (I'm very sensitive to the sun) I > > would be playing ball with my dogs or hiking - not sitting around with > > someone a full generation older than me who I have nothing in common with > > who wants help finding a job. > > > > i was willing to give 1/2 hour. And she pushed and pushed for a picnic!!! > > > > I played the sober card. She wanted to have wine and drinks at the picnic. I > > said (and it was true - somewhat) that I was newly sober and couldn't put > > myself in that position to be tempted to drink. > > > > And then I just stopped replying to her messages. > > > > Does anyone else think that is weird? To try to have a picnic with a stanger > > who you want job advice from? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Depends. Was she goig to bring sandwiches or cheese and grapes? Cause, well, way a minute...yeah, that's really WEIRD!!! I have never gone on a picnic unless I was a family thing or a romantic thing. Maybe she's...gulp...into you and your husband?!? > > > > > > Yes, about this time last year my boyfriend's former boss's wife (who was > > > part of a company that laid him off) got laid off herself. She contacted me > > > via a mutual friend to see if I could help her find a job. Ha if I knew of > > > any jobs I would take them myself. So anyway,we were going to have coffee > > > but it never worked out timing wise. Then the lady said she wanted to take > > > me and boyfirend on a PICNIC!!!!!! > > > > > > I was like ummmmm no thanks. That sounds a little too romantic for a job > > > hunt networking get together with the dude who was part of laying boyfriend > > > off. Seriously - a picnic? First theirs the romantic friendly atmosphere. > > > Then theirs the amount of time and effort that goes into it - grocery store, > > > food prep, choosing a location. Then the weekend 1/2 day commitment. THen > > > the fact that I never even met her before. Add to that that if I'm going to > > > hang out outside for that length of time (I'm very sensitive to the sun) I > > > would be playing ball with my dogs or hiking - not sitting around with > > > someone a full generation older than me who I have nothing in common with > > > who wants help finding a job. > > > > > > i was willing to give 1/2 hour. And she pushed and pushed for a picnic!!! > > > > > > I played the sober card. She wanted to have wine and drinks at the picnic. I > > > said (and it was true - somewhat) that I was newly sober and couldn't put > > > myself in that position to be tempted to drink. > > > > > > And then I just stopped replying to her messages. > > > > > > Does anyone else think that is weird? To try to have a picnic with a stanger > > > who you want job advice from? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!! Eeeewww, eeeewwww, eeewwwww! What a horrid thought! Creepy woman. Pushy yes, creepy, yes, something weird about the whole thing that makes it best avoided. Which of course our savvy GS did. :-) > Depends. Was she goig to bring sandwiches or cheese and grapes? Cause, well, way a minute...yeah, that's really WEIRD!!! I have never gone on a picnic unless I was a family thing or a romantic thing. Maybe she's...gulp...into you and your husband?!? > > > > > > Its the kind of overly-friendly, pushy behavior that now makes my " con artist radar " start beeping. Too friendly too fast and too pushy is scary to me, as well. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Ha ha ha thanks you guys. It made my hairs stand on end too. I'm glad you guys can validate that. I at least need a first date and to be wined and dined a little before I can picnic with another couple. Thanks so much for validating me. I felt so slimed by that! > > > EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!! Eeeewww, eeeewwww, eeewwwww! What a horrid thought! > Creepy woman. Pushy yes, creepy, yes, something weird about the whole thing > that makes it best avoided. > Which of course our savvy GS did. :-) > > > > > > > > Depends. Was she goig to bring sandwiches or cheese and grapes? Cause, > well, way a minute...yeah, that's really WEIRD!!! I have never gone on a > picnic unless I was a family thing or a romantic thing. Maybe > she's...gulp...into you and your husband?!? > > > > > > > > > > Its the kind of overly-friendly, pushy behavior that now makes my " con > artist radar " start beeping. Too friendly too fast and too pushy is scary to > me, as well. > > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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