Re: holy sh*t, my husband is an all-good child

[Guest guest]

WOW--that's a huge realization. Do keep us posted how all this shakes out for

you.

>

> So I've always known that my husband's parents had their issues - before I

even knew my parents had issues (or before I had accepted that my parents had

issues). My husband and his siblings (well, and me after all the research I've

done regarding my own parents) that my father-in-law is a narcissist and

mother-in-law is a hermit BPD. (Seriously, how do we find each other?)

>

> But my husband has always handled it quite well.

>

> I just realized something tonight....he's their all-good child. He kisses

their butts. He's on the phone with them both, because god forbid they each talk

separately, and he's having a decent conversation with them. And meanwhile, they

are being complete assholes to his sister and brother. I can't believe I just

realized this...

>

> Not that I hold it against him. I have just spent the last few years wondering

HOW he handled his parents. And now I have finally realized it. He's simply

their all-good child. That's it.

>

> Having been the all-bad child for a few years (my nada likes to swap our roles

every now and then), I have to say I hate him a little for being in this role...

mainly because I feel for his siblings.

>

> But, then again, we all have to survive; and I can't say I wouldn't do what

he's doing. Anything to not experience the wrath.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent. Again.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, Echo-Babe,

I was reading your post, because, having been an all-good child myself, I'm

always interested when posts pop up with those words in the title. It is truly

so weird how we kids from screwed-up families tend to find each other! And how

similar our stories can be... it's downright eerie sometimes.

I realize your post was a rant and born out of the extreme frustration and anger

we all feel sometimes, but I thought it might help to be reminded of what you

most likely already know: that all-good children are not exempt from the abuse,

it's just that the abuse takes a different form. There were some posts a few

months back about this that were pretty good. If you'd like to read them, I can

send you a link. This tends to be a pretty sensitive issue for me, as my brother

was split black most of the time and thinks I got away scot-free. It has caused

disagreements between us, and I've grown to think of the way Nada treated us as

just one more way of alienating us from any allies we might have had.

You probably know all this, actually, but it didn't come across that way in your

post, so I'm just putting this out there. I'm not offended and I hope you won't

be, either-- the realization of your husband's role must have been a big one--I

consider us all partners in recovery!

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the insight! That wasn't echobabe's post, it was mine. And I do

understand that all-good children also experience abuse. Like I said, my nada

went back and forth with us kids - it's just lately that I am all bad! Anyways,

I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way - by saying that I would do exactly

what he does to not experience the " wrath " of his parents, I meant that I

understand his actions, how he's experiencing the abuse, and why he handles his

parents differently than me. It's just not something that I had realized before

last night...I always thought he was immune to them. But he's not...just having

a different experience.

Judy

>

> Hey, Echo-Babe,

>

> I was reading your post, because, having been an all-good child myself, I'm

always interested when posts pop up with those words in the title. It is truly

so weird how we kids from screwed-up families tend to find each other! And how

similar our stories can be... it's downright eerie sometimes.

>

> I realize your post was a rant and born out of the extreme frustration and

anger we all feel sometimes, but I thought it might help to be reminded of what

you most likely already know: that all-good children are not exempt from the

abuse, it's just that the abuse takes a different form. There were some posts a

few months back about this that were pretty good. If you'd like to read them, I

can send you a link. This tends to be a pretty sensitive issue for me, as my

brother was split black most of the time and thinks I got away scot-free. It has

caused disagreements between us, and I've grown to think of the way Nada treated

us as just one more way of alienating us from any allies we might have had.

>

> You probably know all this, actually, but it didn't come across that way in

your post, so I'm just putting this out there. I'm not offended and I hope you

won't be, either-- the realization of your husband's role must have been a big

one--I consider us all partners in recovery!

>

[Guest guest]

Whoops! Sorry for the name mix-up. I often have trouble navigating the thread

set-up here.

Yeah, I guess I saw when you wrote that you hated him a little for being

all-good (and if I misunderstood that part, apologies), it set off what's become

a bit of a hot-button issue for me, not just because of the conflict with my

brother, but because Nada would often justify her actions by comparing them to

how much worse she had it when she was a child. I always feel like they're

trying to tell me I wasn't abused at all because my abuse wasn't the same as

theirs. That's not what you were saying at all; I just wanted to bring up the

point that it's all abuse, you know?

I did see that you wrote you understood his actions, so it was clear that you

saw it was just his way of coping. I just wanted to clarify the point that

nobody grows up with a crazy parent and walks away unscathed. Sorry if I came

off a bit too strong.

> >

> > Hey, Echo-Babe,

> >

> > I was reading your post, because, having been an all-good child myself, I'm

always interested when posts pop up with those words in the title. It is truly

so weird how we kids from screwed-up families tend to find each other! And how

similar our stories can be... it's downright eerie sometimes.

> >

> > I realize your post was a rant and born out of the extreme frustration and

anger we all feel sometimes, but I thought it might help to be reminded of what

you most likely already know: that all-good children are not exempt from the

abuse, it's just that the abuse takes a different form. There were some posts a

few months back about this that were pretty good. If you'd like to read them, I

can send you a link. This tends to be a pretty sensitive issue for me, as my

brother was split black most of the time and thinks I got away scot-free. It has

caused disagreements between us, and I've grown to think of the way Nada treated

us as just one more way of alienating us from any allies we might have had.

> >

> > You probably know all this, actually, but it didn't come across that way in

your post, so I'm just putting this out there. I'm not offended and I hope you

won't be, either-- the realization of your husband's role must have been a big

one--I consider us all partners in recovery!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That's ok, Jgar!

Actually I WAS the mostly all-good child too, just not the post initiator!

Sometimes I think this is harder for us 'all-goods' to come to a recognize

healthy relationships since our enmeshment played so much a part of who who are

as people.

I'll let you know if I ever get to that place ;-)

> > >

> > > Hey, Echo-Babe,

> > >

> > > I was reading your post, because, having been an all-good child myself,

I'm always interested when posts pop up with those words in the title. It is

truly so weird how we kids from screwed-up families tend to find each other! And

how similar our stories can be... it's downright eerie sometimes.

> > >

> > > I realize your post was a rant and born out of the extreme frustration and

anger we all feel sometimes, but I thought it might help to be reminded of what

you most likely already know: that all-good children are not exempt from the

abuse, it's just that the abuse takes a different form. There were some posts a

few months back about this that were pretty good. If you'd like to read them, I

can send you a link. This tends to be a pretty sensitive issue for me, as my

brother was split black most of the time and thinks I got away scot-free. It has

caused disagreements between us, and I've grown to think of the way Nada treated

us as just one more way of alienating us from any allies we might have had.

> > >

> > > You probably know all this, actually, but it didn't come across that way

in your post, so I'm just putting this out there. I'm not offended and I hope

you won't be, either-- the realization of your husband's role must have been a

big one--I consider us all partners in recovery!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm in the 'all bad' camp myself these days--it's harder for me because I don't

know how to work that system to get what I need from nada. But I am trying to

learn, detach, grow.

My DH describes himself as the 7th kid on a 6-nippled bitch--he's the youngest,

usually youngest are nurtured more. But his parent's had run out of nurture by

the time he came along, 3 or 4 kids earlier in fact. They were mostly neglected,

with a lot of RC shame. He isn't from a BPD or NPD home, but his parents were

pretty dysfunctional. He was never an all-good, or even a sometimes-good.

So that is why I am interested in the dynamic you described about your hubby

being an all-good too, as were you. Does it help or hurt when you plan to handle

your in-laws? Is he on the same page with you or do you have to worry about his

priorities?

Anyway, only answer if you wish. I know this is highly personal interaction,

maybe even painful interaction that I am curious about. My DH went through lots

of detachment therapy in order to have any type of relationship with his mom

(dad is dead), and it is better between us now that he is no longer worried

about pleasing them.

>

> Thanks for the insight! That wasn't echobabe's post, it was mine. And I do

understand that all-good children also experience abuse. Like I said, my nada

went back and forth with us kids - it's just lately that I am all bad!

[Guest guest]

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond! Part of the reason is because I wanted

to think about it before I replied; the other is that the lovely in-laws came

for a visit.

First, what is DH? Darling Husband? Dad-husband? haha, have no idea.

My husband and I are completely on the same page as far as handling our in-laws.

The difference is this: he doesn't understand why I get so stressed and anxious

about my parents. He claims he doesn't. I think he does, he just doesn't know it

(he just eats and drinks more than usual whereas I cry and pick my nails more

than usual).

But his brain doesn't ponder, and ponder some more, and think, think, think,

feel guilt, try to fix etc...which is where we differ. Could be the difference

between man and woman; could be that he's older; could be hundreds of different

reasons.

I will also say that there is some resentment. One of the things that I always

wanted was a " normal " family. When we met, I honestly thought my family was the

normal one. He is older than me, and I think he may have been ahead of his

parents at the time - I most certainly was not.

Since I have decided that my nada is simply no good for me, us or our family, I

haven't had contact with her (it's been a very peaceful month). It's hard

especially because I still miss my Dad and wish we could have a closer

relationship; but they're still married, and she's his priority.

But, then again, here comes the resentment. His parents came for a visit this

weekend, and it was awful. A good metaphor is this: my husband's parents are

equivalent to the dementors on Harry Potter. They're suffocating. They literally

suck the life out of me. And it's just annoying that I have to deal with his

parents simply because he's not AS bothered by their insane behavior as I

am...when I have cut off contact with my own mother because of this behavior,

but it's not my choice for his parents. Does that make sense?

Anyways, he did say that he now understands why I dread their visits. Normally

he's at work when they visit so it's just me and them home with the kids. But

this time he was on a " vacation " so he got the one-on-one treatment that I

normally get. I think that's at least step in the right direction...it's nice

to have someone understand your feelings, even when it might be insulting to

their own family!

Hope that helps! I may just be babbling

Judy

> >

> > Thanks for the insight! That wasn't echobabe's post, it was mine. And I do

understand that all-good children also experience abuse. Like I said, my nada

went back and forth with us kids - it's just lately that I am all bad!

>

[Guest guest]

Judy - when I was married my husbands mother was evil satanic bitch. She was

a huge woman, about 6 foot 1 and quite heavy. she was honestly so scary that

I was afraid to turn my back on her, I thought she might get violent with me

and sneak up on me. I could have outrun her but not overpowered her.

So anyway, my husband just denied there was a problem, sulked, gave me the

silent treatment etc. So i went NC with his parents. It lasted about 2 years

and it helped me. I ended up moving (I got my own place for a while because

we were renting from his mother and I had enough), then we moved to another

city, and I just stopped stopped stopped interacting with her.

Of course she freaked out - called my dad at work screaming and crying

(because she didnt' know where her little boy was for a week or two) and on

and on. This was my husbands fault. He didn't like dealing with her

histrionics - so his way of dealing was to just withdraw. This caused her to

explode. And she would explode all over me and everyone I knew, while he

hid. It was a great situation (sarcasm).

She didn't care to see me though and it was no big deal, as long as she kept

her death grip on her baby boy. At one point she even had her friend come

over when I was at her house with my husband (like more pd people, her

friendships did not last long before they turned on each other) and grilled

me and attacked me for my lifestyle. bottom line, she was jealous and

threatened. My husband of course had disappeared at that time and left me to

deal with her on my own. This was his typical MO.

A few years later she actually ended up admitting herself to a mental

hospital - but I doubt it did any good because she didn't want to change her

behavior and thoughts.

Anyway, i don't know exactly how you work it out when you have kids, but I

wonder if you could try nc or at least not have them around when your

husband is not there. And when he is there, just let him entertain them, go

in another room and paint the ceiling or install a dishwasher. Make busy

I guess my point is I don't see why you have to entertain and host them, you

can start with a boundary there and then expand it.

My inlaws now (I'm not married but I've lived with my honey for oh geez

almost 6 years) are not exactly the most stimulating people in the world.

They are a hard core mormon couple with 8 children. The wife has never

worked, and dad is a died in the wool entrepeneurial capitolist ( hello, im

a total hippie). They are interested in church, food storage, armegeddon and

relief society. I have nothing in common with them. . . we don't see them a

lot and I've never spent time with them without my honey present. I make

excuses for holidays and try to go out of town or at least say I am.

Seriously, 2 grandparents, 8 adult children (all from a totally different

leave it to beaver culture) and all of their little kids make for a really

noisy saturday afternoon when I could be accomplishing something, cooking,

creating or playing with my pets (my babies). It hasn't been a major point

of contention. Fortunatly with their huge family and inability to plan or

organize anything more than 5 min in the future, its really hard to get our

schedules to jive. Boyfriend carries on his own relationship with them. i am

pretty close to one sister who does a lot of the same stuff I do. And I love

the nieces and nephews. But I had to set boundaries because extended family

totally gives me hives and makes me feel like I have no control over my time

and my life. Well that was a rant. Ha ha xoxox

>

>

> Sorry it has taken me so long to respond! Part of the reason is because I

> wanted to think about it before I replied; the other is that the lovely

> in-laws came for a visit.

>

> First, what is DH? Darling Husband? Dad-husband? haha, have no idea.

>

> My husband and I are completely on the same page as far as handling our

> in-laws. The difference is this: he doesn't understand why I get so stressed

> and anxious about my parents. He claims he doesn't. I think he does, he just

> doesn't know it (he just eats and drinks more than usual whereas I cry and

> pick my nails more than usual).

>

> But his brain doesn't ponder, and ponder some more, and think, think,

> think, feel guilt, try to fix etc...which is where we differ. Could be the

> difference between man and woman; could be that he's older; could be

> hundreds of different reasons.

>

> I will also say that there is some resentment. One of the things that I

> always wanted was a " normal " family. When we met, I honestly thought my

> family was the normal one. He is older than me, and I think he may have been

> ahead of his parents at the time - I most certainly was not.

>

> Since I have decided that my nada is simply no good for me, us or our

> family, I haven't had contact with her (it's been a very peaceful month).

> It's hard especially because I still miss my Dad and wish we could have a

> closer relationship; but they're still married, and she's his priority.

>

> But, then again, here comes the resentment. His parents came for a visit

> this weekend, and it was awful. A good metaphor is this: my husband's

> parents are equivalent to the dementors on Harry Potter. They're

> suffocating. They literally suck the life out of me. And it's just annoying

> that I have to deal with his parents simply because he's not AS bothered by

> their insane behavior as I am...when I have cut off contact with my own

> mother because of this behavior, but it's not my choice for his parents.

> Does that make sense?

>

> Anyways, he did say that he now understands why I dread their visits.

> Normally he's at work when they visit so it's just me and them home with the

> kids. But this time he was on a " vacation " so he got the one-on-one

> treatment that I normally get. I think that's at least step in the right

> direction...it's nice to have someone understand your feelings, even when it

> might be insulting to their own family!

>

> Hope that helps! I may just be babbling

> Judy

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Thanks for the insight! That wasn't echobabe's post, it was mine. And I

> do understand that all-good children also experience abuse. Like I said, my

> nada went back and forth with us kids - it's just lately that I am all bad!

> >

>

>

>