Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Can totally relate! Whenever my nada would visit (of course I would be expected to plan the whole trip from beginning to end, including paying for it and everything in between) she would not want to go outside, at all. If I planned something for her to do on her own, so that I could have breathing room during her visit, she would complain. If I went with her, she would complain. She didn't like being out in public, for example in restaurants or in other friend's homes. I felt totally trapped. It was only much later I realized I could say no to her visits and no to staying there inside with her. No, no, no!!!! Whew, am I relieved that is over. P.S. Even when we had a small family get-together at her place many years ago, she insisted everyone squeeze into her itsy bitsy hot and suffocating apartment in the middle of a sweltering summer heat...give me a break! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thu, May 26, 2011 5:14:15 AM Subject: BP Hermit Mom One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 I think I can relate. I don't know how extreme of a hermit my mom is, but it's definitely gotten worse in the last few years. In the psych evaluation she did a few months ago, where she was diagnosed with personality disorder, it also said she had generalized anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. My mom does leave the house but only when she absolutely has to- IE for groceries and to pick up my brother from school, and now when she does have to go out she's extremely stressed and anxious and nearly has panic attacks. My mom literally has no friends. Not even one. The only interaction she has is with her own parents (including her controlling manipulative narcissistic mother) and her son. She's gotten a little bit close to one of her younger brothers in the past few years. Outside of that, she has no one. She's never had friends, her whole life, because they moved around a lot when she was a kid, and of course her mother was so abusive and critical and ruined any chances she had of making friends. My mom considers me her " best friend " and I'm all she has. This all contributed to how extremely isolated I was growing up, which kept me out of touch with the " real world " for 22 years and I've only just recently begin to see how outrageous my mom's behavior was. -Kate > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 You may want to check out the book " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , which is expensive but sometimes available for purchase used at a lesser price, and sometimes you can order books through your local library for borrowing. But it is a pretty amazing book that nails some of the different ways that borderline pd manifests itself. The " Hermit " borderline is someone who has both bpd and Avoidant pd. Knowledge is Power. The more you educate yourself about these disorders, it helps us to manage and cope with their behaviors better. If you believe that your mother is reaching a point of being unable to care for herself properly, is evidencing self-harming behaviors or is starting to make suicide threats, then, you may want to consult with a psychologist or psychiatrist in your area and ask what the procedures are for arranging for your mother to have an (involuntary) psychiatric evaluation. BPD can include high impulsivity as one of the behavioral traits, and that is a factor in the relatively high suicide rate, around 10%, in this disorder. Its very sad; tragic, really. Borderline personality disorder is truly a serious mental illness and it doesn't " go away " or " get better " on its own, and the low-functioning bpd people really can become a danger to themselves and to their loved ones. -Annie > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 http://www.worldcat.org/title/understanding-the-borderline-mother-helping-her-ch\ ildren-transcend-the-intense-unpredictable-and-volatile-relationship/oclc/439132\ 55 & referer=brief_results Worldcat is great for seeing which libraries have a particular book, in case your usual library doesn't seem to have it. Just plug in your zipcode and it will search other libraries' holdings for you. Holly the (soon-to-be) librarian On Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:37 AM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > You may want to check out the book " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , > which is expensive but sometimes available for purchase used at a lesser > price, and sometimes you can order books through your local library for > borrowing. But it is a pretty amazing book that nails some of the different > ways that borderline pd manifests itself. > The " Hermit " borderline is someone who has both bpd and Avoidant pd. > > Knowledge is Power. The more you educate yourself about these disorders, it > helps us to manage and cope with their behaviors better. > > If you believe that your mother is reaching a point of being unable to care > for herself properly, is evidencing self-harming behaviors or is starting to > make suicide threats, then, you may want to consult with a psychologist or > psychiatrist in your area and ask what the procedures are for arranging for > your mother to have an (involuntary) psychiatric evaluation. BPD can include > high impulsivity as one of the behavioral traits, and that is a factor in > the relatively high suicide rate, around 10%, in this disorder. > > Its very sad; tragic, really. Borderline personality disorder is truly a > serious mental illness and it doesn't " go away " or " get better " on its own, > and the low-functioning bpd people really can become a danger to themselves > and to their loved ones. > > -Annie > > > > > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP > diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as > so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe > that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not > responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you > (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did > not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not > address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person > that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few > months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 > minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more > extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human > interaction. Can anyone relate? > > > > Chris > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Wow, it's refreshing to read this. My mom started this behavior after her " break " when her boyfriend moved out. She stopped going to work and started saying she didn't want to leave the house. But she really talked about it so much that I started to feel like she was just pulling for my attention. I guess with BPD it is hard to tell the truth from exaggeration - or maybe all of it is an exaggerated truth? I stopped feeling sorry for her after she showed up at my work about two months later... sure did seem like she left the house alright to me... but then after I " scolded " her for majorly disrespecting my boudaries, she went right back to not leaving the house. My mom also says I am the only person in the world she has, and that guilt sure did make it hard to see through the smoke. But what if I died, you know? If she chooses to isolate herself, it's really not my fault. (Or yours with your mom). ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2011 12:35 PM Subject: Re: BP Hermit Mom  I think I can relate. I don't know how extreme of a hermit my mom is, but it's definitely gotten worse in the last few years. In the psych evaluation she did a few months ago, where she was diagnosed with personality disorder, it also said she had generalized anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. My mom does leave the house but only when she absolutely has to- IE for groceries and to pick up my brother from school, and now when she does have to go out she's extremely stressed and anxious and nearly has panic attacks. My mom literally has no friends. Not even one. The only interaction she has is with her own parents (including her controlling manipulative narcissistic mother) and her son. She's gotten a little bit close to one of her younger brothers in the past few years. Outside of that, she has no one. She's never had friends, her whole life, because they moved around a lot when she was a kid, and of course her mother was so abusive and critical and ruined any chances she had of making friends. My mom considers me her " best friend " and I'm all she has. This all contributed to how extremely isolated I was growing up, which kept me out of touch with the " real world " for 22 years and I've only just recently begin to see how outrageous my mom's behavior was. -Kate > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 My mom is 78 this year. And I can tell you that throughout her life she has played all the faces of BPD. I, myself, saw very little of the waif and the hermit was leaving when I was becoming aware there was something different from my mom compared to my friends' moms (I had just enough exposure to the hermit to screw up my social interactions). Mom was a waif as a young woman, through her divorce and remarriage to my dad. The Hermit came out somewhere in there and stayed with her until she had a heart attack at age 43. She started gradually leaving the hermit behind at that point. Then came the Witch, which she's been locked in ever since--the witch is angry at the world for all the problems she has in life. Now the Queen has emerged in later life--the queen 'deserves' only prime treatment, resents anything other than being treated like royalty. I suspect my nada has followed a fairly well-trod path, in that many BPDs follow the same eventual metamorphoses. So I guess I am saying your mom may stay locked forever in Hermit, or she may progress into another pattern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Count me in, my nada is a huge Hermit! She grew up in family with the mantra that only family matters, family is all you need, family should meet all your needs - strangers are outsiders, not to be trusted and should be shown the face in the jar by the door (you know that Eleanor Rigby song). Eliza > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 yes, I can relate. my mother is very much a hermit and a waif. the only people she and my father told us we could depend on was each other. NO ONE ELSE. Outside friendships were severely frowned upon and if we dared bring friends home, my parents made sure to point out each one's So when he died, the only ones she would depend on, turn to, call, unload on, yell at, relate to in any way, were my brother and me. Like yourself, my brother blissfully (for him) lives a distance away from her, but my buffer are my husband and young kids. It took a lot of work and consistent boundary-setting on my part, but I got her incessant calls and constant, constant need for reassurance and comfort down a great deal. You can set boundaries with hermits. I don't mind helping her; I just don't want her smothering me, as is her m.o. They, like little children, like to know things in advance, like " I'll call you once a week at this time. " They don't like it and try to make things go their own way, but eventually they'll get used to it. My mother only has consistent contact with me, my brother, and a courageous woman she speaks with several times a day. I'm wondering when this woman will decide she's had enough. My mother will tell me that she gets upset with this woman b/c she doesn't pick up right away when my mother calls, etc., silly things like that. I doubt she'll continue taking my mother's crap indefinitely. I really feel for you; being the only person in your mother's life is an enormous burden. You were not born to be her eternal companion. She is asking a great deal of you. Hermits, due to their fear of everything, are also very, very selfish. They don't care how you're feeling, how your day is going. They just want you to be there and listen and do. Take baby steps in getting out of her grip. Read " Boundaries " if you haven't and Walking on Eggshells. Stay with us; we're here for you. Fiona > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 <. Even when we had a small family get-together > at her place many years ago, she insisted everyone squeeze into her itsy bitsy > hot and suffocating apartment in the middle of a sweltering summer heat...give > me a break!> wow that is scarily like our weekly one and a half hour visits at her apt. she refuses to open any windows in her apt for fear someone will get in later on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 <My mom considers me her " best friend " and I'm all she has.> sigh, yes. my mother likes to tell others how close we are. No matter what, she will NOT go out with anyone other than me or my brother. And if she does come over to my house, she is not there more than 30 minutes when she starts asking when are we cutting the cake? when are we doing this? and that? And she starts cleaning up after everyone and then just leaves, even if the evening isn't over. This is very much a flea with me that I'm actively working and planning on recovering from. It's awful. Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 > Worldcat is great for seeing which libraries have a particular book, in case > your usual library doesn't seem to have it.> Wow, thanks Holly! good to know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Thank you, all of you, for your wisdom. This message board has been so empowering and comforting. I even had the courage last night to set a boundary with my mom (probably one of the first I am embarrassed to admit.) I told her that we are going to talk once a week, on Sundays. We had been talking on the phone every other day, and I had come to call these pleasant conversations, " drive-by shootings. " I was compelled to keep picking up the phone, wanting to get the pain over with. This new idea, of course, made her livid. But I held my ground. And then, last night I had this really wonderful dream (I never have wonderful dreams, only nightmares.) about carrying around this sweet puppy and taking care of it. I woke up feeling happy and relaxed ... a rare thing! So, thanks for letting me share and for all of your help. Chris > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 My mother isolated herself a good bit and had this 'blood is thicker than water' mentality. She went through friends like she went through underwear. She threw them away and cut off contact when she got mad. Generally, she did it to herself. She would meet someone and then begin talking about them. It would get back, she'd deny it and play the victim and the cycle was never ending. In the end of her life, she had very few friends or family. Sad, but true. She didn't go anywhere. In fact, I do not believe she ever went on a vacation. Not even when I was a kid. She used to say that people who liked to travel would 'run the roads' and that it was trashy..... She felt that going 5 miles to a grocery store was sufficient for anyone and that everyone needed to 'stick close to home.' So, yes, she was an extreme hermit/waif. It was a miserable existence for her and for us, her children. She was demanding, moody, paranoid, obsessive....and in the end, it was almost a relief both because she was no longer suffering from this horrible mental illness and because I could be free from it all. Like you, I went through guilt but now that it has a name, I am a little wiser and a little freer from it all. I moved away and it helped, but in some ways made her behavior worse because I was the all-bad daughter who treated her like crap and moved away for no good reason whatsoever. All I can tell you is that this mental illness cannot be reasoned with...you have to live your life and try not to let her behaviors manipulate you. I know it's hard and I didn't succeed all that much either, but take it from someone who has been there, you'll be glad you did when it's all said and done. BP Hermit Mom One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 isn't it eerie how our stories are so alike ?? ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thu, May 26, 2011 3:58:45 PM Subject: Re: BP Hermit Mom <. Even when we had a small family get-together > at her place many years ago, she insisted everyone squeeze into her itsy bitsy > hot and suffocating apartment in the middle of a sweltering summer heat...give > me a break!> wow that is scarily like our weekly one and a half hour visits at her apt. she refuses to open any windows in her apt for fear someone will get in later on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 I agree with Annie about the seriousness of the disorder and how reassuring reading about it can be. Many of the books mentioned in this forum were available at my local, public library. After reading about six or seven of them now, I notice Narcissism is a common theme, at least for my own situation. At first, I thought narcissism was a feature (component) of BPD, but I am reading Lowen's Narcissism:Denial of the True Self. He offers a " spectrum " of narcissism, with BPD in the middle, and psychopathic and paranoid personality on the fringe. In this book, all this behavior relates to the inability to see things as they are. For me, it's hard to just detach from someone you know is floating out there on the fantasy fringe.... but it's getting easier. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thu, May 26, 2011 9:37:49 Subject: Re: BP Hermit Mom You may want to check out the book " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , which is expensive but sometimes available for purchase used at a lesser price, and sometimes you can order books through your local library for borrowing. But it is a pretty amazing book that nails some of the different ways that borderline pd manifests itself. The " Hermit " borderline is someone who has both bpd and Avoidant pd. Knowledge is Power. The more you educate yourself about these disorders, it helps us to manage and cope with their behaviors better. If you believe that your mother is reaching a point of being unable to care for herself properly, is evidencing self-harming behaviors or is starting to make suicide threats, then, you may want to consult with a psychologist or psychiatrist in your area and ask what the procedures are for arranging for your mother to have an (involuntary) psychiatric evaluation. BPD can include high impulsivity as one of the behavioral traits, and that is a factor in the relatively high suicide rate, around 10%, in this disorder. Its very sad; tragic, really. Borderline personality disorder is truly a serious mental illness and it doesn't " go away " or " get better " on its own, and the low-functioning bpd people really can become a danger to themselves and to their loved ones. -Annie > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis >for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you >can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not >to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of >her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) >is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in >the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is >an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My >brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state >in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been >wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something >to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 that's really fantastic! I am so proud of you. it's not easy to tolerate the fury from nada; good for you for holding your ground! woo hoo!!! Fiona > > > > One year ago, a counselor gave me the most unbelievable gift ... a BP diagnosis for my mom. The freedom that gave me have been so liberating, as so many of you can attest to. For once in my life, I can begin to believe that maybe I am not to blame for all of her many problems and that I am not responsible for all of her misery. Freedom indeed! What I wanted to ask you (this is my first post) is about those of you with a hermit parent. I did not realize this is common in the BP world. The book I have on bp does not address this problem. My nada is an extreme hermit and I am the only person that she has interaction with. (My brother only talks with her every few months, lucky dog.) I moved out of state in recent months (I used to live 10 minutes away from her) and that has been wonderful. But I am seeing more extreme behavior lately that may have something to do with lack of any human interaction. Can anyone relate? > > > > Chris > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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